EATON COLLEGE ADVENT CALENDAR

 

You can now buy an Eaton College

Advent calendar

I’ve never seen one before

There are no overt messages

But there is someone there

To open every door

IF THE NEVERLAND GOVERNMENT

 

If the Neverland government

Hadn’t cut his disability   

Captain Hook would never

Have turned to piracy?

PETER PAN’S FAVOURITE PLACE TO DINE

 

Peter Pans favourite place to dine

Is not somewhere hip and trendy

His favourite place to eat out

Has always been Wendy’s

A GIFT YOU CAN’T REFUSE

 

Christmas lists are short

As nobody wants a fuss

Or make demands on

The Godfather Christmas

SNOW GLOBE NIGHTMARE

 

Last night I dreamed I was trapped

In a snow globe, until I could waken

And when I awoke from that dream

I have to say I was badly shaken

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

 

“Which carols do you want to do?”

The music teacher asked me

I misunderstood the question and replied

“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

 

I decided to spice up Christmas

And along with some scanties

I bought her some special toys

That cost me a fortune in batteries

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

 

For our Christmas dinner

We had German sprouts

And they in no way allayed

Any low emission doubts

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

 

Instead of the traditional Turkey

We had Venison this year

While up at the North Pole

Santa was missing a Reindeer

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

 

We had to cut the legs off

The turkey to get it in the oven

But I think we should have

Killed it first on reflection

SHINY RED BAUBLES

 

Shiny red baubles

Can be a sign of the Season

But for my brother

An STD was the reason

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

 

At Christmas when I was a child

I always used to resent

Getting items of clothing

As they weren’t a proper present

 

But that all changed later

And I would always make a fuss

When I was in my teens

If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

 

As kids every Christmas time

We would really go berserk

But now I’m grown up I think

It’s just a lot of extra work

CHRISTMAS PARADOX

 

One of the paradoxes of family life

Is that kids will never admit to parents

That they don’t believe in Santa Claus

While every Christmas they get presents

IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY

 

In the run up to Christmas be especially

Kind and caring to those around you

Because in the office Secret Santa

You don’t know who will be buying for you

REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT

 

Remember, Christmas isn't about

How big the tree is, or what's under it

Or the Christmas lights and decorations

It's about the people who are around it

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

 

Christmas has been cancelled!

Let me make it perfectly clear

Santa died laughing when I told him

I’d been a good boy this year!

I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES

 

I always enjoy the office Christmas parties

It’s my favourite part of the holiday

What I don’t like about the Christmas parties

Is looking for a new job the next day

FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE

 

Families are an absolute nightmare

I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare

Santa Claus has the right idea

Visiting people only once a year

I REMEMBER THE TIME

 

I remember the time

I stopped believing in Santa Claus

And getting pants and socks

In my stocking was the cause

WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

 

Where is your Christmas Spirit?

Tell me are you feeling it yet?

Why are you looking over there?

It’s not in your liquor cabinet

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

 

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas

This year is a brother”

Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just

Send me your mother”

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

 

The Great British Bake-Off nativity

Is to be a real festive feast

And baker Paul Hollywood says its

Because the Star is in the Yeast

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born

And they told every visiting stranger

And Mary and Joseph knew it was true

Because they had a weigh in the manger.

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

 

With two days till Christmas

Sales will definitely pick up a bit

As men start Christmas shopping

And start to buy ‘any old shit’