When Christmas Wears It’s Tinseled Gown: January 2023

Tuesday 3 January 2023

THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE

There is a special place

In hell for people that play

Any Christmas music

Before Thanksgiving Day

FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY

Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,

Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail

Are the met office seven dwarfs

And let’s not forget Princess Gale

ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY DUST?

Are you wearing fairy dust?

If you’re a fairy, it really is a must

But the one thing I cannot tell

Are you the one called Tinkerbelle?

ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?

Are you wearing white tinsel?

Tied amidst your lustrous curls

It makes you look so beautiful

And more like an angel than a girl

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?

Are you wearing blue tinsel?

Tied amidst your lustrous curls

Not a festive hue and yet

You have it amidst the curls

So is it a statement or was it

The only colour you could get

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing green tinsel?

Tied around your lustrous curls

Like a goddess of the woods

Are you one of the “nature” girls?

ARE YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing any clothes?

My little Christmas elf

You’re supposed to dress the tree!

Not undress yourself

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL?

Are you wearing tinsel?

Draped about your figure

Like a festive feather boa

Just covering your treasure

How seductive you appear

A little package of pleasure

You dance and prance

So full of vim and vigour

Now let me pull the tinsel

Then you can pull my trigger

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

A press release from Santa Claus stated

That the Poles reputation had been blighted

So Mobile phones were banned, the number

Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS DRAWERS?

Are you wearing Christmas drawers?

I would like a look at yours

I bet a pound to a penny

You’re not wearing any

There we have it at last

You are as I thought bare arsed

Of course, it makes you look loose

Even if you have an excuse

Well that really is shocking

You’re supposed to hang a stocking

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Xmas stockings?

With a holly wreath motif

Along those long festive garlands

How I wish to trace each leaf

Along each luscious limber leg

An ascent exquisitely brief

To reach the Christmas gift

Beyond the holly wreath motif

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS TIGHTS?

Are you wearing Christmas tights?

Adorned with a festive motif

Well, if those long festive limbs

Decorated with Christmas motif

Were to entwine about me

Then my resistant would be brief

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS TIGHTS?

Are you wearing Xmas tights?

Oh, how they are exciting me

Adorned with a festive motif

What a Christmas this will be

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Christmas hosiery?

Phwor are you going to let me see

Oh, how they cling to the shape of you

I would like to cling to them too

Oh yes, I like them very much

Perhaps I might have a touch

Oh, you are a proper tease

Would you let me if I said please?

ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE?

Are you wearing cologne?

You’re wearing “Black Knight”

What is going on?

Something’s not right

Your wearing you’re cologne

And it’s a school night

It’s not your birthday

So, you’re not due a delight

It’s definitely not Christmas

I know I have that right

It’s a snow day tomorrow?

Ok turn out the light

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Christmas Knickers?

Is that appropriate for vicars?

Just kneel upon this hassock

While I rummage in your cassock

The bishop wouldn’t think it funny

My naughty little Christmas honey

ARE YOU WEARING REINDEER ANTLERS?

Are you wearing Reindeer antlers?

Well not the most original twist

You’ve been making rather merry

More Christmas spirit than you could resist

What exactly am I suggesting?

A little too much wine would be the gist

What makes me think that?

Well, I’ll tell you if you insist

Apart from the slurred speech

You are walking with a starboard list

And your antlers sit in disarray

So that’s how I know you’re pissed

ARE YOU WEARING A SPRIG OF MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing a sprig of mistletoe?

Are you hoping to meet a beau?

And kiss him passionately in the snow

An embrace to leave you all aglow

Is that why you wear the mistletoe?

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA HAT?

Are you wearing a Santa hat?

A festive little “tit for tat”

Well, it really does suit

In fact, you look very cute

Are you wearing it for fun?

Or do you have it set at anyone?

I think it looks very twee

I wish you were wearing it for me

ARE YOU WEARING PLAITS?

Are you wearing plaits?

Seriously though are you

You’re going to wear plaits

To the annual Christmas do

And dressed as a milk maid

Perhaps Scandinavian born

You look like you’re dressed

For 1970s porn

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA SUIT?

Are you wearing a Santa Suit?

I have to say you do look cute

I wonder if there might just be

A little room in there for me

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON? # 1

Are you wearing it for a reason?

That outfit for the Christmas season

Yes, it does come around very soon

But you do realise that it’s only June

ARE YOU WEARING ELFISH EARS?

Are you wearing elfish ears?

It’s a very interesting feature

Though more appropriate

On a woodland creature

And not really suitable

For one in your position

You are let me remind you

The leader of the opposition

ARE YOU WEARING A BUNCH OF MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing a bunch of mistletoe?

Well, you certainly mean business

Isn’t that overkill? “Less is more” after all

But you know what you’re doing I guess

Are you aiming at a particular beau?

Do you have a target in mind?

Or are you more indiscriminate

Scattergun like or something of the kind

Oh, so there is an object of your affections

Is it perhaps someone that I know?

It’s someone I know very well indeed?

I still don’t know the identity of your beau

It’s me? I’m the one you desire?

You want to kiss me beneath the mistletoe?

ARE YOU WEARING AN ELF OUTFIT?

Are you wearing an elf outfit?

Does it come with all the kit?

Pixie boots and a floppy hat

The green tights and all that

If you come to the grotto with me

You can call me Santa and sit on my knee

ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a green Christmas outfit?

You look very beautiful in it

In fact, you look very cute

In your Santa’s little helper suit

A Christmas hat sits atop your curls

In a way only suited to girls

A beautiful green velvet dress

And white fur trim to impress

Striped woollen legs of green and white

Are they stocking or tights?

Stockings would be in reason

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Santa outfit?

Does it come with all the kit?

The boots and beard and hat

And padding to make you look fat

I didn’t believe in Santa anymore

Now I see you and I think phwor

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a red Christmas outfit?

You look very beautiful in it

In fact you look very cute

In your Santa’s little helper suit

A Christmas hat sits atop your curls

In a way only suited to girls

A beautiful red velvet dress

And white fur trim to impress

Striped woollen legs of red and white

Are they stocking or tights?

Stockings would be in reason

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL IN YOUR HAIR?

Are you wearing tinsel in your hair?

Sitting atop your golden curls

You look so very angelic to me

A jewel more precious than pearls

But looks can be deceiving

Angel with the golden curls

And later on, I might well discover

You’re one of the naughty girls

ARE YOU WEARING IT THE RIGHT WAY?

Are you wearing it the right way?

I heard the pretty girl say

Should it be tied like so?

For kissing under the mistletoe

Am I showing my naïveté?

In the most embarrassing way

It’s just that I kind of felt

It shouldn’t be tied on your belt