Uncanny Tales – (004) – Chapter 02 – The Snow Angels – Finding Angels Farm

The next day was one of reflection and I was left with a feeling of what might have been had I not dropped the ball.
How ironic it was that after all the young women Dave and Emma had put in my path over the years in the hope of finding me a wife, which I always managed to side step, I finally met a woman whom I didn’t want to swerve to avoid and the fates conspired against me.
I finally met a girl who was attractive, funny, intelligent, well spoken, had a sense of humour and good table manners (which was a definite plus) and who left me tongue tied like a lovesick schoolboy, someone who ticked all the boxes and quite simply bowled me over, and I blew it in the most humiliating manner.
It seemed like we had a number of things in common, we were both Christians, we both liked film and cinema, walking in the country to name but three and I was looking forward to finding out more about her and if there were any other boxes I could tick.
I couldn’t believe what a gibbering idiot I had been, I had been complimented in the past, more than once for my eloquence at such occasions and I had never been tongue tied before, well not since I was fifteen, and why oh why did I call her Angel and why did Dave have to blurt out my Christian name.
I didn’t even bother asking her out or getting her number there didn’t seem much point.
I did feel though that we had made a connection and that my overtures, for want of a better term, would not have been rejected out of hand.
I could still have gotten her number from Emma but how would I ever have been able to ask her out after she knew that my name was Gabriel?
So I resigned myself to the fact that due to some circumstances beyond my control and my total inability to string even the simplest of semi coherent sentences together she would be forever viewed as the one that got away.
So I turned my full attentions to work and started getting things ready for my return to harness the next day.
As I was ironing myself a shirt the phone rang, I ignored it, it was probably one of my mates, who having heard the revelation about my name were just phoning to take the piss.
It rang again, I ignored it again, I knew it wouldn’t take long for Colin to spread the word.
It rang a third time.
“I suppose I’d better get it over with” I said and headed towards the phone.
It rang again before I got to it and the answer phone kicked in, my first reaction was good now leave your poisonous message and then I can delete it without even hearing it, but curiosity got the better of me so I decided to listen to the message and braced myself.
“Hi, Oh dear I hope you don’t mind me ringing” Said a faltering voice “Erm, I got your number from Emma”
There was a pause then a nervous laugh.
“It’s Angel”
I quickly grabbed the phone and almost shouted “Hello”

If I had gone with my first instinct and deleted the message unheard she would never have called again I would still have thought of her as the one that got away and the remarkable year would simply not have happened.
Well thankfully I did and what a remarkably good decision it was.
The conversation began in a rather stumbling and embarrassed fashion, with lots of nervous laughter and hesitation but ended in a date.
It was decided that a meal would be best where we could relax and find out more about each other.
But where proved more difficult, we ruled out restaurants that used unusual eating utensils which excluded most oriental places and any French establishments serving escargot, the food had to be cooked which eliminated sushi, any food which the eater might end up wearing i.e. spaghetti, ribs etc. so we reached the conclusion that beer and pizza was probably the safest option.
The phone call lasted more than an hour and I was reluctant to end it but my bladder had the last word.
As it turned out this one carefully selected date proved to be the last difficult decision we had to make together.
The first date led to another and then another and another, we dined at all the establishments we excluded for our first date and ate all the foods previously mentioned.
Between New Years and Easter we were rarely apart and we did everything together, bowling, swimming, walking, you name it we did it and we could neither remember the time before we met nor craved time to ourselves.
We were obviously regular guests at the Parkers where Emma would gloat shamelessly at her matchmaking success.

In April I had to go to the States on business unexpectedly for two weeks and Angela wasn’t able to get any time off at such short notice so I went alone and although we spoke on the phone and emailed every day I missed her terribly.
When I returned to home on the last day of April she was waiting for me as I came through the gate and she ran to meet me and I took her in my arms,
“I missed you so much” Angela said
“I never want us to be apart again, Angel” I replied, then I knelt in front of her and proposed to her right there at the arrivals gate.

We were married in June at St Lucy’s Church in the village of Brookley, the rambling village was 15 miles inland from Sharpington-By-Sea, equidistant between the seaside resort and Pepperstock Green, and was where she used to spend the holidays when she was little, at the home of her maiden Great Aunt, Angela had often dreamed of marrying at St Lucy’s,
We were lucky to be able to book at such short notice, clearly the angels were looking out for us.
We particularly wanted to be married in church as we were both Christians, though we weren’t regular attendees at a particular Church, though we did become so at St Lucy’s.
Because he Great Aunt had passed away and there was no other connection to the village we had to get a special license.

Dave was my best man and Emma was matron of honour and their boys, Jake and Kenny were page boys.
It was a small affair just close friends and what family we had, my brother Greg and Angela’s parents, mine were both gone years before.
But it was a wonderful day, one that we would never forget, then to follow that perfect day came an ambition fulfilled and a dream come true, for both of us when we honeymooned in Italy travelling to Venice on the Orient Express.
After the honeymoon we moved into my flat, a short term arrangement while we found a house, Angela never did find a place of her own, and had been living at her parents up until the wedding, where most of her stuff remained.

There was an old run down farm with a derelict farm house that we often walked past on one of our many country walks and we had often wondered what it would be like to live there.
It was beautifully situated in a nice plot of land far enough into the country to be peaceful and close enough to the village to be part of a community, then one day I noticed it was up for sale, it was lucky really because I only drove past it because a bus had broken down on my usual route to work so I went cross country.
I called the agent, it had been empty for about ten years, when the owner, an elderly widow, moved into a home and with no next of kin to keep an eye on the property it fell into disuse.
Now upon the death of the old lady the farm was to be sold to settle her estate.
I arranged an appointment but I kept it secret from Angela and I just told her we had a viewing.
“So where are we going first?” Angel asked as we were about to leave.
“It’s over Brookley way” I said vaguely
She was sat in the car flicking through a pile of A4 sheets containing estate agents blurb.
“Where are the details then?” She quizzed “I can’t find it”
“I must have left it at work, but don’t worry the agent will have a copy”
We had quite a few places to look at some Angela had chosen and some of mine but the old farmhouse was first on the list.
As we drove down the lane towards the farm Angela asked.
“Where are we going?”
“It’s not far now it’s just down here I think”
And then we turned the corner and the entrance was on the left.
On the right hand side of the entrance there was a half rotten five bar gate leaning askew against a crumbling brick wall held in place by a solitary well rusted hinge and tied to the gate.
While on the left hand side was a once sturdy sign post leaning at a precarious angle adorned by a board bearing the name of the farm but it could not be read from that angle.
As I drove through the entrance into the yard Angela said
“It’s our farmhouse”
There was already a car in the yard which was unnecessarily flash and could only belong to an estate agent.
The door opened and a preening peacock of a man climbed out pausing briefly to brush away an invisible speck of dust off his sleeve.
I opened my door first to get out but by the time I climbed out Angela was already out fidgeting and transferring her weight from one foot to the other eager to get on.
The agent glanced briefly at the paper he was holding and enquired.
“Mr. Brophy?”
“Yes” I said and proffered my hand, which he inspected briefly then shook it limply in his clammy manicured hand.
“And this is my wife”
I waved my hand in the direction of where she had been standing but she had already bounded off like Tigger.

It took about an hour to view everything, the farmhouse, out buildings and the couple of acres of land.
The agent didn’t fancy leaving the confines of the yard presumably he didn’t want to get mud on his expensive Italian shoes.
So we explored the land by ourselves, we had both fallen instantly in love with the old ramshackle farm and by the time Angela and I had wandered back to the yard we had decided to make an offer on the place.
We both had good jobs, well paid jobs, and for a number of years earned more than we could spend and as a result both had substantial savings.
Plus Angela had sold her house the previous year and I only had a tiny mortgage on my flat so we worked out that we could easily afford to buy the farm, renovate the farmhouse for ourselves and convert the out buildings into another property which we could earn a little income on, either as a summer let or as a normal rental, provided of course we could get it for under the asking price.
It would be a gamble and after years of playing safe and being sensible it wasn’t an easy one to make but because neither of us had seriously invested ourselves in a long term relationship before we went for it with gay abandon, so we made our offer to the agent.
“That may not be good enough there are other people interested” He said looking down his nose.
“In fact I have another viewing this afternoon”
“Well actually that appointment is with me” Angela said sheepishly.

As we drove out of the yard I stopped just inside the gate when something caught my eye.
“Look at that” I said pointing out the window, from that angle I could clearly see the signboard that bore the name of the farm.
It read “Angels Farm”
“Well now we know it’s definitely meant to be”

So our offer was accepted, it had taken one day to find the house of our dreams but it was to be several months before we could move in properly.
The first thing we did after we sold the flat was to buy a second hand caravan that we parked in the farmyard which would be our home until the house was finished, as we had decided we didn’t want to move in until absolutely everything was done although that would very much depend on the severity of the winter.
All of our furniture and worldly goods were put in the barn which we were using for storage.
Now as an accountant and a software engineer, Angela and I were of very little use in regard to the major work that was required, but as project managers we were second to none.
We were very lucky securing the professional help we needed, so many of them were between jobs or had another job that had fallen through and were unexpectedly available.
We employed a constant stream of them, builders, roofers, plumbers, plasterers, electricians, telecoms engineers and tree surgeons, and apart from our talents for project management we were also excellent tea and coffee makers.
On the practical side we were gainfully employed with clearing rubbish and shrubbery from the site and filling skips with anything and everything.
To all intents and purposes we dropped out of sight for the duration of the project and spent every available minute we had working on the farm.
Although we did make great use of baby brother Greg on several occasions, we were quite selfish and single minded really, but we were even handed about it and we ignored friends and family alike, and we did feel guilty about it but if we could get everything done by Christmas we would be able to see whoever we liked whenever we liked.
Angela did touch base briefly with her parents by phone and we spoke occasionally to Dave and Emma, but we didn’t see them after August.
Throughout October, we made great progress whipping a large section of the acreage into something resembling a garden and in November our hard work was rewarded when the turf was laid.
By the end of November we were able to get into the farmhouse and start decorating while the professionals made progress on the outbuilding conversion.
As we completed each room the carpets were laid and then we moved the furniture in room by room, and we worked our way through the house and we were counting the days to when we could abandon the caravan forever.
We had both accrued quite a lot of holidays and lieu time over the last few years so we decided to use them up for the final push which meant we only worked about five days in December.
Then on the twentieth of December with great ceremony (A recording of a fanfare and a bottle of Cava) we took up residence in our dream home.
The next morning when we awoke for the first time in our own bedroom it was with a certain smug satisfaction, after all we had achieved our target with four days to spare and a few pounds left in the budget, it was going to be the best Christmas ever.
“CHRISTMAS!” Angela shouted and sat bolt upright.
“What?” I said as she leapt out of bed
“CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS” she was shouting, and running around like a headless chicken trying to dress and run at the same time and she fell over twice.
I just looked on in amusement as she flitted from bedroom to bathroom in various stages of undress.
Then she stood in the bathroom door and said.
“We don’t have anything for Christmas, no decorations, no tree, no cards, no food, no presents, no crackers, no drink we have nothing for Christmas.”
Then the penny dropped and wiped the smile off my face, we had been so focused on getting in the house by Christmas we had forgotten about Christmas itself.
“OH GOD!” I shouted and then joined in the headless chicken dance.

So for the next three days we did battle at the mall amidst the throngs of Christmas shoppers and took part in the supermarket trolley dash filling the trolleys with enough food to feed a small army, then we wrote endless cards, wrapped the numerous presents, decked the halls and trimmed the tree.
So by the time darkness fell on the third day everything was done and presents stood in neat piles ready to be delivered the next day.
I opened a bottle of wine and we sat on the sofa beside the glowing fireplace and I put my arm around her and asked.
“Can we be smug now?”
“Oh yes I think we most certainly can” she replied smiling then she turned her head and kissed me.

Uncanny Tales – (004) – Chapter 01 – The Snow Angels – When Angels Meet

It had been an amazing year, a life changing year, a year never to be forgotten, a year that began with love at first sight and ended with a miracle, and it all began of course, as all years do on New Year’s Day.
Now you might think that very little occurs, let alone starts, on New Year’s Day, as everyone is either nursing a hangover or is just too tired to even contemplate participation in anything new, or very much at all, and that may well be true for some, but not for everyone.
For me New Years Day is no different to any other day of the year, after all isn’t every day the first day of another twelve months?
You might deduce from this that if I have such disdain for the first day of the year, that my feeling for the last day of the old year might be like wise, and you would be right.
I am and always have been a Christmas person and I love every aspect of the season but New Year’s Eve has always left me cold.
In fact I dislike everything about it, I hate the crowded pubs, the noisy house parties, “Old Lang Syne”, first footing and of course the bloody fireworks.
So I always spent the evening with likeminded people, namely my younger brother Greg, eating Chinese takeaway and watching DVDS.
We would prefer to go out to eat but to go anywhere decent you have to book at Easter.
On the other hand my friends Dave and his wife Emma loved New Year’s Eve but they didn’t celebrate it for quite different reasons.
Dave worked shifts as a porter at The Royal Downshire Hospital, he’d been there since he left school, which was nearly fifteen years, it didn’t pay well but he really loved it.
As a family man he always managed to trade shifts so he had Christmas off but subsequently he always had to work New Year’s Eve.
Emma was a housewife or homemaker or domestic goddess or whatever the PC speak is, she had worked at the hospital as well until she fell pregnant with their first child now they had three children all under 5 years old, so she never had time off.

So with all those in mind who do not participate in the Old Year’s Night rituals, either by design, as in my case, or by circumstance as with Dave and Emma we set the scene for the tale and so with all that said we get back to the beginning of the story, the start of that amazing year.
It was New Year’s Day and I was invited to spend the evening with my good friends the Parkers for one of Emma’s wonderful dinners, a culinary experience for which I would have gladly paid a king’s ransom but for which the only charge to me was my attendance.
Well as the saying goes “there’s no such thing as a free lunch” and that goes for dinner as well.
I was a bachelor and happy to be so, I was comfortable in my own company, I liked my life, I could do what I wanted when I wanted and I had a good job which paid well and allowed me to indulge myself if I wanted to.
This for Dave and Emma was an alien concept, they were a couple and were happy, ergo I was single and therefore must be unhappy.
So every time they had a dinner party, a picnic or BBQ there was always some poor unfortunate unattached female guest who was propelled towards me.
Even at their wedding they tried to pair me up with the matron of honors younger sister.
They were relentless and never gave up but it was always to no avail.
It wasn’t because they were horrible or unattractive young women, in fact they were normally very nice, it was just that they were just not for me, and we didn’t connect.
So the price for a very excellent dinner was to be aimed at yet another single/unattached/divorced woman.
Still it was a price worth paying for a very exceptional meal with good company.

I arrived late afternoon so I could spend some time with the kids before they went off to bed it was sufficiently dark for the Christmas lights to be on and Dave did like a good Christmas light.
His house was in no way as gaudy as many were but he did like his lights.
I was greeted at the door by a very bleary eyed Dave who had clearly just risen from his pit.
“Oh dear” I said as I looked at his sleep filled eyes and the unmistakable bed head
“Night shift?”
“Yeh” he replied then yawned.
I had known Dave from infant school and we had been best friends for most of the years since, I had been best man at his wedding and am Godfather to his first born.
He turned away sleepily and I followed him into the kitchen where I was greeted by Emma, who standing on her tip toes drew herself up to all of five feet four, hugged me and kissed my cheek and I breathed in her scent, a mixture of heady musk and baby sick.
Noticing the bemused look on my face she pointed to the milky stain on her top and laughed.
I hadn’t known Emma as long as Dave, just over 10 years but we became friends instantly, she was one of that rare breed of humans who are just impossible to dislike and you feel instantly at ease with.
“Happy New Year” she said still chuckling
“Ditto” I replied
“You won’t even say the words” She said incredulously.
“I can’t believe you dislike New Year that much”
She left the room laughing, and while all this was going on Dave had boiled the kettle and made drinks.
He put a steaming mug of instant coffee on the kitchen table and I sat down on the chair nearest to it.
“What are you doing here so early anyway?” Dave asked.
“I thought I could help out by entertaining the ankle biters while you two got yourselves ready”
“That’s very sweet of you Bernie” Emma said as she came back into the kitchen and sat down next to me.
“But Jake and Kenny are at Karen’s until tomorrow and Molly is asleep”
Jake was my Godson and was almost five, Kenny was three and Molly was barely six months.
“Your sister Karen?”
Emma nodded.
“I thought you didn’t get on with her”.
“I don’t” she replied
“But I made a New Year’s resolution to get closer to her” she said without enthusiasm.
”She’s the only family I have so I thought I should make an effort”
I was going to ask Dave if he had made a similar resolution but I thought better of it, I knew there was too much bad blood there.
“Well as my entertainment skills are not required I will ….”
I was about to suggest that I would finish my coffee and come back later when Emma interrupted me.
“I can use you in other ways”
“Oh” I said and raised my eyebrows slightly as I considered the eroticism of the image in my mind of my best friends wife naked and smelling of baby sick “using me” when she placed a potato peeler in front of me.
“Ah”

The next three hours passed by in the same way that so many of the hours we had spent together had, good old fashioned fun I could imagine nothing better than spending time in their glorious company.
As I said I liked my life.

By seven thirty everything was done that could be done, Dave and Emma had made themselves presentable, though in truth Emma scrubbed up better than Dave.
So I took my self-off upstairs to change into a clean shirt which I swiped from Dave’s wardrobe, and just as I was coming down stairs the doorbell rang.
Dave headed for the door and I ducked into the lounge as I didn’t want to be hovering in the hall when the desperate single woman arrived, in case I gave her the impression I was keen to meet her, although I confess I was curious to see what the latest offering in a long line of potential life partners looked like, but not curious enough to hover in the hallway.

As it turned out the doorbell was rung by Colin, who worked with Dave at the hospital and his wife Clair, who was a nurse, I knew them very well and they were good company.
There were to be six for dinner Dave and Emma, Colin and Clair and myself and the mystery woman.
The new arrivals soon joined me in the lounge and the volume rose as the banter began with barbed jibes mainly aimed at me.
Colin went through a whole tirade of remarks questioning my manhood and my sexuality.
“What’s the matter Bernie couldn’t they scrape up a date for you this time?” Colin inquired.
“Perhaps you should try something in the inflatable line, the conversations not up to much and they always have the same expression on their face, but they never judge”
Thankfully the doorbell went again.
“Saved by the bell” Emma said as she went towards the door, this didn’t knock Colin off his stride for a second as he continued to elaborate on the advantages of having an inflatable girlfriend which he continued to do until Emma led a very attractive brunette into the room.
Colin stopped mid-sentence with his mouth open which he only closed after Clair had inserted her elbow into his rib cage.
“Everybody this is Angela” Emma said.
“Dave you know already, the one with his mouth open is Colin and his long suffering wife Clair”
Then she turned to me “and this is Bernie”
I would be hard pressed to put a figure on the number of attractive young women Emma had steered in my direction over the years, and in many ways Angela was just another in a very long line but there was something else to her which I couldn’t put my finger on.
Maybe it was the way she held herself and how she was un-phased by the realization that she was making up the numbers.
Sometimes when Emma has introduced me you see the shoulders slump in disappointment or you see excitement on the faces of the keen ones that give them the look of kittens on speed.
Angela was poised and confident and…
“Hi” I said and offered my hand which she took.
We obviously held hands for longer than we should have and as soon as we realized we let go and she laughed nervously and I felt myself blush.
“Where do you know Emma from?” I asked trying to regain my composure while being painfully aware that no one else in the room was speaking.
“We were at school together” She said
“And then after University I moved away and we lost touch”
“And now?” I asked suddenly aware the question made no sense, I was normally much more coherent than that.
“And now what?”
“I think he means where are you living now” Said Emma coming to my rescue.
“Oh I see yes, well I moved back to Downshire in November, I’m living with my parents at the moment until I find somewhere I like”
I became aware of a low murmur in the background so I relaxed in the knowledge I was no longer being watched.
“And how did you two get back in touch?”
Emma laughed and Angela said.
“It was here in Purplemere in Stephenson’s and I inadvertently walked off with Emma’s trolley when …”
“I was about to draw it to her attention by throwing a tin of baked beans at her” Interrupted Emma
“But I turned round just in time”
They were both laughing now and soon Angela’s soft infectious giggle had circled the room until we were all laughing.
That kind of set the tone for the rest of the evening as we enjoyed Emma’s wondrous culinary offerings
Each course was punctuated with a mixture of rehashed old anecdotes and previously unheard tales regaled to us by Emma and Angela, and all through the evening my eyes were drawn to Angela almost to the point of staring and once or twice Emma noticed my interest and I quickly glanced away and the she and Dave exchanged a knowing look.
It was when we reached the liqueur stage of the evening when we were all slightly the worse for drink and all guilty of over imbibing that I finally let myself down.
As a veteran guest of the Parkers it always fell to me to raise a toast which I gladly did.
“Please raise your glasses to the hostess with the mostest, Emma and yet another outstanding feast, Emma”
This was greeted with a chorus of “Hear, Hear” and much table tapping.
“And to the man whose mastery of the bottle opener is second to none, Dave”
More cheers and more table tapping.
“And last but by no means least old friends”
And that is where I should have left it but no.
“And new friends” and raising my glass and looking straight at her I said “Angel”
There was a moment of utter silence and then everybody just cracked up, and Dave laughed so much he fell off his chair which only managed to fuel the flames, I just turned crimson and slumped into my chair.
Angela smiled at me though the tears rolling down her cheeks, so I thought maybe I hadn’t ruined my chances.
Colin stood up and did a very credible impression of me saying
“We have an angel in our midst” which isn’t easy to say even when your sober.
Then Dave clambered back into his chair and exclaimed
“It’s better than that I’ve just realized we have two angels present”
“What are you on about” Said Emma and I had a bad feeling about what was coming next so I interceded
“Just ignore him he’s pissed”
But Dave was not to be deterred.
“We have the beautiful young angel Angela, and we have the angel Gabriel”
“What are you talking about?” quizzed Emma
He resorted to pointing to get his meaning over, firstly he pointed at Angela and said slowly.
“Angel”
Then he pointed at me
“Gabriel”
“What?” Emma asked again with a very puzzled expression so he pointed at me again and said
“GABRIEL Bernard Brophy”
Finally the penny dropped and everybody fell about.
Except me I just leant forward and started banging my head on the table.
I sat up and looked at Dave.
“Over Twenty five years you’ve kept that secret and you chose tonight to give it up”
“It’s alright you’re among friends” Emma said and then broke down again.
“It won’t stay among friends though, not now loose lips knows” I said gesturing in Colin’s direction. “It will be all round the hospital tomorrow”
“Oh now that’s not fair” said Emma
“No it is” Said Colin
“No it won’t be all over the hospital tomorrow” Added Dave reassuringly.
“He’s off until Thursday”

Christmas Collection 2018

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 13TH OF DECEMBER

Remember, Remember the 13th of December
And put your lighted candles out
Because that is the very special day
And light is what St Lucy is all about

UNDER THE CHRISTMAS MOON

Moonlight glinted
On the frozen land
Of the silent vale
Dressed crisply
In winters cloak.
A shooting star
Flashed across the sky
And I made a wish
Nothing profound
Just a simple thing
But immensely special
Because I wished
For a Christmas kiss
With the girl I loved

WHILE THE FAMILY SLUMBER

Myriad snowflakes fall
Flakes, infinite in number
Crystals of purest white
Settle while we slumber

Early the next morning
In the gloomy light
A pure white blanket
Was greeted with delight

The kids were excited but
The presents took their focus
For their parents it was magical
To have a White Christmas

MY PRETTY LITTLE MISS

The first time I met
My pretty little Miss
We needed mistletoe
To share a Christmas Kiss

Now when I meet
With my pretty Miss
We need no artificial aid
For us to share a kiss

And when we meet
And we share a kiss
Every day is Christmas
For me and my little Miss

SHOOTING A PRIZE TURKEY

Shooting a prize Turkey, with bullets
Of sage and onion, was his crime
He claimed that he was attempting
To kill it and stuff it at the same time

THE GRINCH AND THE ELF

When love was taken from him
He was left bereft, and his heart stopped
And his world was transformed
To a place of ice and snow
Where his cold heart,
Once over flowing with love,
Froze solid in his chest.
So he came to like the winter
With its long cold nights
And short dismal days
He found comfort in the season
And its bitter unfriendly ways
Only Christmas spoiled it for him,
Disrupting his misery,
With its joyous music,
Gaily decorated shops,
And of course its joviality
But then one day out of the blue
As he tried to avoid the jollity
It happened, his heart began to thaw
All because of an Elf
Or to be more precise
A girl in the green tights, pointy shoes,
Brightly coloured tunic and a cute hat
All it took was one smile
For the connection to be made
And she had him body and soul
Although he was unaware
It was a mutual attraction
Because she didn’t show her hand
And played hard to get
She wanted him, but she made him work
To win her, to pursue her
To prove that he was worthy
So it wasn’t until Christmas Eve
That the Elf yielded to the Grinch
And they kissed by the light of the moon
Before attending midnight mass

TO MAINTAIN A HIGH FIBRE DIET

To maintain a high fibre diet
During the Christmas festivities
We are urged not to eat deserts
And instead eat the Christmas trees

HE STOOD IN THE COLD CRISP NIGHT

He stood in the cold crisp night
Beneath the moon and the stars
And looked at the majestic vista
Imagining such a perfect night sky
Two thousand years before

THE ROOM WAS FULL OF CHRISTMAS

The room was full of Christmas,
Steeped in the essence of the season,
Fragranced with Apple and Cinnamon,
And decorated in festive livery
Fresh cut garlands of evergreens,
Tinsel, candles and coloured lights
And on the peaceful Holy night
With the velvet drapes pulled shut
Against the bitter cold of winter
A perfect couple held each other
In the soft warm glow of firelight
And the cozy room was full of love

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 21ST OF DECEMBER

Remember, Remember the 21st of December
St Thomas the apostle is about
Because that is the special day
When St Thomas is without a doubt

UNDER THE CHRISTMAS SKY

Under the Christmas sky
Their breath plumed
In the frost filled air
And the night sky
Sparkled with stars
Like diamonds sewn
To the curtain of night
And they both sighed
Beneath its majesty
And felt so blessed
To be in love beneath
Such a Christmas sky

MUSIC IN SPACE

Round the world they go
In nineteen sixty five
Orbiting the earth
So high up in the sky

Dashing round the world
Above the earth they race
Jingle Bells the song, was
The first one played in space

O Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way.
Oh! What fun it is to ride
In a space ship far away hey

Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells

THE THREE WISE MEN WERE LATE TO THE NATIVITY

The three wise men were late to the nativity
However not because they had travelled very far
But because one of them was an astronomer
And endlessly wittered on about the bloody star

RADIANT LIGHT OF THE WORLD

Radiant light of the world
Oh most divine child of love
Joyous redeemer

HOLLY DEAREST

Icicles hang from the gutters
All on the landscape is still
Ice crystals pattern the glass
Snow stands deep on the sill
Curtains drawn against the dark
As a fire roars in the hearth
While my darling lays in my arms
And love burns hot in my heart

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 26TH OF DECEMBER

Remember, Remember the 26th of December
The feast of Stephen is the day
Celebrated in a very special way
In the UK it’s known as Boxing Day

MY WIFE WAS IN THE KITCHEN

My wife was in the kitchen
And I went in to take a look
While she cooked the goose
Just before I goosed the cook

IN AUCKLAND NEW ZEALAND

In Auckland New Zealand
They don’t say Happy Christmas
As it’s built on a strip of land
So instead they say Merry Isthmus

BLACK CHRISTMAS

Now that the one I love is gone
The season has left me bitter
My heart has lost its soulmate
And Christmas has lost its glitter

New Years 2017

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS ARE SOMETHING

New Year's resolutions are something
That go over the head of my brother
He just doesn’t seem to grasp their import
So they go in one year and out the other

MY ONLY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

My only New Year's resolution
Is to be more optimistic next year
By keeping my cup half-full
With either vodka, whiskey or beer

NEW YEAR’S EVE IS ONE OF THE FEW

New Year’s Eve is one of the few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION THIS YEAR

My New Year's resolution this year
Is hopefully an antidote to future resolutions
And to rid myself of the annual angst
I have come up with a simple solution
Which is to stop hanging out with people
Who ask me for my New Year's resolutions

IF YOU WERE BORN IN LATE SEPTEMBER,

If you were born in late September,
The bells should definitely start to clang
As its pretty safe to assume that your folks
Started out the New Year with a Bang

RATHER THAN MAKE A POINTLESS RESOLUTIONS

Rather than make a pointless resolutions
I will make a wish for those I hold dear
May you always have all that you need
And want all you have, Happy New Year!

NEW YEAR’S EVE FANCY DRESS

My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For New Year’s Eve
I said “Drunk will do me”

NEW YEARS IS JUST AN EXCUSE

New Years is just an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
And that’s why New Years
Is the best holiday for me

Christmas 2017 # 2

DO YOU KNOW WHY THE CHRISTMAS ALPHABET

Do you know why the Christmas alphabet
Is one letter short? Then I will happily tell
There are only twenty five letters in it
Because the Christmas alphabet has Noel

CHRISTMAS IS WHEN I TRY TO BE UNUSUALLY KIND

Christmas is when I try to be unusually kind
And compassionate to those around me
Not that I’m a good person, it’s just because
I don’t know who my Secret Santa will be

I DON’T WANT A LOT OF FANCY PRESENTS

I don’t want a lot of fancy presents
Tied with bows and ribbon curls
I only want one thing for Christmas
And that’s Santa's list of naughty girls

FAIRY TRADITION

One Christmas, a long time ago
Santa Claus was trying to prepare
For the biggest night of the year
But events left him in despair

A flu epidemic hit the North Pole
And decimated the Elves
And a shortage of helpers
Meant there were empty shelves

The reindeer were rebellious
And Rudolph’s nose was Normal
His parcel sack had a hole in it
And Mrs Claus was menopausal

As a result of all his trials
He was not in the best frame of mind
So when a Fairy approached him
With good intent and being kind

Who was carrying an evergreen
And the Fairy asked cheerfully
“Where would you like me to put
This lovely Christmas Tree?”

Because of his really bad mood
He answered her unseasonably
And thus began the tradition
Of a Fairy atop the Christmas tree

BOXING DAY SPORT

Boxing Day is very popular
For Sport of all kinds in the UK
But in our corner of the land
Trial Pursuit is order of the day

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 18

Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the abode
Only one creature was stirring,
But she was on the commode

THERE IS AN OLD SAYING

There is an old saying
Which we now tend to disregard
Which goes “a green Christmas
Makes for a fat churchyard”

ICE THAT WILL BEAR THE WEIGHT OF SANTA

Ice that will, before Christmas,
Bear the weight of Santa
Will not, according to folklore,
Bear the weight of an Elf after

I AM THE UNBEATEN MASTER AT TRIVIAL PURSUIT

I am the unbeaten master at Trivial Pursuit
At the annual Christmas family sessions
But then I do have an advantage, because
We play with my original set of questions

IF FROM ALL THE BEST CHRISTMAS SHOWS

If from all the best Christmas shows
I had to pick only five
For me it would be any Christmas show
By Morecambe and Wise

ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 1

Are you wearing red?
And standing at the foot of my bed
I hope that means you’re Santa
And not Jeremy Corbyn instead

Christmas 2017 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SPATS?

Are you wearing Christmas spats?
Well I don’t like them much
But I have to admit that the motif
Of holly is a very nice touch

CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”
That’s Christmas day with Stephen
But I only have myself to blame
For marrying a sodding vegan

RISQUÉ OR RUDE

If you do something at Christmas
That’s either risqué or rude
Then don’t be at all surprised
If it ends up on Yule Tube

INSULTED SANTA

The local shopping Mall Santa
Turned out to be a very grumpy chap
When a little girl put a bin bag down
Just before she sat on his lap

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 3

My worst Christmas present ever
Without a doubt, I have concluded
Was when I received a box of batteries
Labelled “toys not included”

THREE MEN DIED ON CHRISTMAS EVE

Three men died on Christmas Eve
And were stood before St Peter
“You must all pass a simple test
Before you are allowed to enter”

“So produce a symbol of the season
Either on or about your person”

The first man retrieved a bauble
From his overcoat pocket
And St Peter turned to the gate
And proceeded to unlock it

St Peter said “You are blessed
Because you have passed the test”

The next man took a red bow
From his overcoat pocket
And St Peter turned to the gate
And proceeded to unlock it

St Peter said “You are blessed
Because you have passed the test”

The last man took a pair of panties
From his overcoat pocket
St Peter stood fast before the gate
And made no effort to unlock it

St Peter said “You are not blessed
Because you have failed the test”

“In what way do a pair of knickers
Symbolized the Christmas season
I fail to see how they are appropriate
So enlighten me as to the reason”

So the man proceeded to explain
“A young woman’s intimate apparels
Are without a doubt appropriate
When they happen to be carols”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV CHRISTMAS

It was another SUV Christmas
Thanks to my significant other
No not that kind of SUV, I got
Socks, Underwear and Viagra

THERE IS A SINGING ELF

There is a singing Elf
Up at the North Pole
With a powerful voice
For one so small and dapper

The singing Elf croons
All day in the workshop
So the other Elf’s call him
The Christmas Wrapper

SANTA IS SUCH A JOLLY CHAP

Have you ever wondered
Why Santa is such a jolly chap?
Well it’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are at

WHY DOESN'T SANTA HAVE ANY KIDS?

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
Well it’s impossible for him see
As he only comes once a year
And he’s normally up a chimney

Loving Christmas Linda – The Final Embrace

It was Christmas Eve and the Hartley household in the village of Clerembeax St Giles was decorated for the season.
A large fresh cut tree stood in the corner, perfuming the room and was festooned by a myriad of assorted baubles, ornaments, tinsel and lights.
Christmas cards of all shapes and sizes adorned every surface and more hung on bright red and green ribbons suspended from the picture rails and bright colored Christmas garlands hung gaily, crisscrossing the ceiling.
Outside, through a break in the dark clouds, a shaft of week winter sunlight shone through the window reflecting off the garlands and painted random patterns on the walls and ceiling.
76-year-old Paul Hartley sat watching TV in his favorite armchair in the front room of the house he shared with his wife and soul mate Linda, the woman he loved more than life itself.
Both of them had been married before, but Linda was the love of his life and they had spent 30 years apart before they found each other again, when their own Christmas miracle happened 25 years before.
And as a result of that Christmas miracle they had had 25 years of incredible happiness.
Paul and Linda had made good use of the years they had together to make up for the lost time when they were apart and as a couple they had had the fullest of lives.
Christmas had always held particular significance for them, it was their favorite time of year and had always been so, because their most meaningful moments together happened at Christmas time, finding love together, losing each other, finding each other again, and marrying each other, that’s why Paul called her Christmas Linda.
And because Christmas was so significant to them they did Christmas big and they relished every moment, they would pack away all the ornaments and pictures, and replace them with the festive decorations they had collected over the years, then there would be a houseful on Christmas day and Boxing Day where they shared the celebration with family and friends, and when the festivities were over they would fly off to the sun for a few weeks, just the two of them.
Neither of them could abide the New Year’s holiday so they took themselves away to enjoy each other’s company.
But alas on their 26th Christmas together the season held no joy for Paul, even James Stewart in “It’s a wonderful life” could not lift his spirits and the reason for his gloomy disposition lay in the next room, where the dining table used to stand.
Where they had so many wonderful Christmas dinners, the room full of the happy chatter of good company, the table heaving under the weight of Christmas fare.
But in its place now stood a stark and clinical hospital bed and laying upon it the most precious thing in his life, Linda, surrounded by all the paraphernalia of terminal illness.
Her once vibrant body riddled with inoperable tumors, their evil spread consuming her from within and as the cancer was so far advanced, when it was discovered she refused what little treatment there was on offer and she also stubbornly refused to die in hospital or a hospice.
Linda said she wished to die in the home where she had known such great happiness, so how could he refuse her such a simple wish?
He employed a private nurse who sat with her at night and Paul tended her himself by day and he watched her dying by inches every single day, it seemed to him to be the cruelest of punishments for being so happy.
Paul’s first wife was taken by cancer and that was hard enough to bare.
It was always so hard when someone you love suffers before your eyes, but as much as he loved his first wife and as hard as it was to watch her die, it was nothing compared to the intolerable despair that he felt losing Linda.
She was not only his wife she was his love, his life, his soul mate, she was the one, the love of his life, his Christmas Linda.
He would sit with her and read to her, sometimes Dickens, Stephen King or Tom Sharpe, depending on her frame of mind.
On her brighter days she would have him tell her jokes, she always said he was the only one who could make her laugh.
Her brown hair with its soft curls had long since turned silver and the sparkle was only rarely present in her eyes and the laughter that used to play around them replaced by pain and it was on the morning of that Christmas Eve when Linda told him what she wanted for Christmas.

She was always at her best in the morning but on that morning, she was having a good day so after she had eaten breakfast she asked Paul to pass her the Mahogany filigree jewelry box.
It was a very precious object to her, not valuable in monetary terms, but precious nonetheless, it was the very first Christmas gift he gave her, and she treasured it, and she often told Paul it was her most prized possession, after him.
As he handed it to her she smiled and just for a second there was a glimpse of her loveliness shining through the pain and she patted the bed and bad him sit next to her and as he sat on the bed next to her she took his hand and said quietly.
“I have to say this to you today because I’m having a good day and I don’t know how many good days I’ve got left”
“Don’t be silly” he protested, and she squeezed his hand and then gave him a look which said that he knew very well that she wasn’t.
Linda carefully opened her jewelry box and from a draw within it she took out a neatly folded embroidered handkerchief which she placed on her lap and carefully unfolded it to reveal that inside were a dozen capsules containing her medication.
Linda looked at him with her soulful eyes pleading with him and as the realization of what she was asking sank in Paul violently shook his head.
On her good days she had salted away some of her medication until she now had enough to hasten the end and she squeezed his hand again and said
“Please do this for me”
She explained that she didn’t want him to do it right there and then she just wanted him to agree to do it when the time came, but that that time would be very soon.
“It’s the only gift you can give me this Christmas” Linda asked looking in to his eyes and then he added
“I love you more than anything in the world and I know with all my heart that you love me”
Paul could say nothing as the tears welled up in his eyes.
“Please do this thing for me” she pleaded, and his heart was breaking at the choice he had to make, let her suffer an agonizing conclusion to her life or end her suffering and kill her.
“I just can’t do it” he said through the tears and got up and left the room, she didn’t call after him because she knew he would be back, so with tears streaming down his face he grabbed his coat and went out the front door and went for a walk.
The day was cold, grey and damp and clouds scudded across the December sky and any hint of the promised sunny intervals in the forecast were not in evidence, it was the kind of day that chilled you to the bone, but he didn’t feel the cold at all, he just felt numb.
You had to be alive to feel the cold and he was dying inside, and he walked for miles under the grey skies along the woodland paths they used to walk together, his mind in turmoil his eyes red with tears.
If he did what she wanted he would lose her forever, the loss of her would be devastating, but not to let her go would just be selfish.
Paul’s head was spinning, and he didn’t know which way to turn, images of their happy moments together swam in and out of focus, then as he walked into a clearing in the woods where they once made love on a sultry afternoon, there was a sudden break in the clouds and the woods were bathed in winter sunshine and all at once he knew what he must do and hurried homeward.
When he returned to the house Paul went straight to her bedside where she was sleeping, so he sat in the chair at her bedside and rested his head on the bed beside her then he felt her hand gently stroking his hair.
Paul sat up and her hand moved to his cheek, so he took it in his own paw and kissed it softly and then said
“I’ll do whatever you want me to do”

A week later Christmas had past and he was glad of it, it was without doubt the worst Christmas of his life, full of tears and sadness instead of happiness and laughter
There was no wondrous Christmas feast, no table laden with Christmas delights, no hearty laughter or light-hearted banter, just an endless stream of visitors, friends and family, as cheery as was possible, putting on a brave face as they all came with forced smiles to bring the season’s greetings, but all leaving with tears, knowing that Linda would not see the spring.
Paul tried not to be ungrateful, but every visit ate into the precious time Linda and he had left but he knew how important it was to Linda to see everyone and say goodbye.
Even the doctor called in to make sure she was comfortable and in between visits Paul would sit watching the needles dropping from the tree as if each dropping needle symbolized Linda’s plight.
And as he sat alone in his favorite armchair on New Year’s Eve staring at the pine needles scattered beneath the tree he tried to come to terms with the fact that Linda would die with the old year.
Since Christmas Eve when she made her request of him, Linda had been in good spirits, she had seen everyone in the world that mattered to her and said all the things she needed to say so Linda had decided that morning, that enough was enough.
Paul tried to remain cheerful for her, but she could see through it
“I know you’re hurting too” she said, the pain etched in her face and with that they made their plans for their last day together.

Firstly, Paul phoned the nurse and told her she should have the night off to enjoy the New Year’s Eve celebrations with her family and she was very grateful and accepted his explanation without question.
After that he filled the room with lighted candles and in the flickering light Linda and he spent the evening together looking at photographs and reliving the great times of their life together and played the music that formed the soundtrack of their shared life then an hour before midnight she handed him the folded handkerchief.
He opened it and inside were now close to twenty capsules, and one by one he broke them open and emptied the contents into a wine glass and when he was finished he filled the glass with Port and gave it a stir and put the glass on the bedside table before sitting on the bed.
Paul took her hand and kissed it and leant forward and kissed her mouth and started to say good bye, but she put her hand to his mouth, so he reached over and picked up the glass and held it up to her lips and she took a drink, then a little more and a little more until the glass was empty and he wiped her mouth with the hanky and she burped and then she laughed that wonderful laugh that he loved so much.
The candles sputtered, and the flames flickered and then squeezing his hand she said
“I love you so very much”
“I love you too” Paul said as he sat holding her hand in his and then they just sat in silence looking at each other in the candle light until her eyes closed.
The Village clock began chiming the hour and her hand went limp and her breathing became shallow and then all the pain in her face was suddenly gone as the clock chimed twelve, marking the passing of the old year and unknowingly marked Linda’s passing.
He couldn’t have said how long he sat there holding her dead hand with the tears streaming down his face, but as he sat there he knew what had to be done.
Paul poured himself a large whisky and sat in his favorite armchair where he wrote a long letter explaining what he had done, and what he was about to do.
With the letter written he put it into an envelope and placed it on the mantelpiece where it would be easily found, then he drank his whisky and reached into his pocket and removed the contents, placing them on his lap.
He filled the syringe with the insulin he had stolen from the doctor’s bag the day before and injected himself with the full syringe and as his eyes grew heavy he could feel Linda’s hand on his shoulder and felt her fingers in his hair and as he drifted into a coma she whispered
“I love you” in his ear as his eyes closed.
When they opened again he couldn’t believe what he saw, it was a place that was familiar to him, it was Millmoor as it was more than 50 years earlier and it was snowing, and the street was full of happy smiling people and there among them was Linda, larger than life, vivacious and self-assured covered with snowflakes and laughing.
It was his snow angel, his Christmas Linda with snow covering her like sugar on a doughnut, a delicious confection he would have gladly consumed, wrapped up against the cold in a red woolen hat and coat and a long-knitted scarf draped about her neck.
Still laughing, she shook her head and the light brown hair that hung beneath her hat danced about her shoulders and the snowflakes fell away from her soft curls only to be replaced by fresh ones.
There was a rosy redness on her cheeks almost matching the hue of her coat and she was young again, they were both young again and they had gone back 55 years to the scene of their first embrace.
Linda threw herself at him and she hugged him so tightly and he smelled her hair as he held onto her and was intoxicated by her scent which over whelmed him.
They were stood at the taxi rank and snow fell onto Linda’s soft curls as they took their place in the queue and they kissed.
All too soon a taxi arrived, as it had done 55 years earlier, but this time they both got in and through the winter wonderland they departed, this time never to be parted again.