SHOOTING A PRIZE TURKEY

 

Shooting a prize Turkey, with bullets

Of sage and onion, was his crime

He claimed that he was attempting

To kill it and stuff it at the same time

UNDER THE CHRISTMAS SKY

 

Under the Christmas sky

Their breath plumed

In the frost filled air

And the night sky

Sparkled with stars

Like diamonds sewn

To the curtain of night

And they both sighed

Beneath its majesty

And felt so blessed

To be in love beneath

Such a Christmas sky

CHRISTMAS FARE

 

There has never been a good time to be poor

Certainly not Christmas

As Dickens wrote

“This time when want is keenly felt by the poor”

And there has never been a good place to be poor

Certainly not Victorian London

Now a wealthy Victorian family

Would dine upon a Christmas dinner

Of Vegetable soup

Oyster patties,

Roast turkey or goose,

Boiled leg of mutton with caper sauce

Followed by Port wine jelly,

Mince pies and plum pudding

Queen Victoria is known to have eaten roast swan

While in the country

A piece of Smoked bacon

Or rabbit pie was had

The poor in town or country

Dined upon whatever could be found

Snippets of Downshire Life – St Stephen’s Day

 

On the west side of Downshire is Eastchapel, a quiet medieval village living in the shadow of its noisy neighbour, the Industrial powerhouse of Northchapel, and on Boxing Day it was even more quiet than usual, and it was snowing.

In fact, as it was eerily quiet as Sharon Colligan and Duane Gingell conspicuously stood in the corner of the bus shelter.

And it was conspicuous for the simple reason that no buses ran to the village on Boxing Day, but then they weren’t there for the bus they were there for the kissing.

“I have a confession to make” Sharon said.
“Oh?” What?” Duane asked her “Are you Gay?”

“No, I am not Gay” she said indignantly “Why, do I kiss like a Lesbian?”

“No, no you just said you had a confession to make” he said defensively

“And you automatically thought, Lesbian” she snapped “Why would a Lesbian be kissing a man in bus shelter in this weather?”

“Fair enough, sorry” Duane said, “Are you married then?”

“What? No, not that I remember” she replied “I would hope if I were, I wouldn’t be standing in a bus shelter kissing another man”

“Good point” he said but she could have been married for all he knew, he hadn’t known her long and they’d only had their fifth date on Christmas Eve and so there was still a lot he didn’t know about her.

Sharon was new to the village, her family had moved in to the house next door to his parents, a few weeks before Christmas from somewhere in the Vale.

He liked the look of her from the first minute and asked her out, but it took a couple of attempts before he wore her down.

It was kind of an instant attraction thing, for him, and since the first attraction it had gradually deepened and by Christmas he was head over heels in love with her.

 

 

 

 

They were on the way to the village pub, The Grapes of Wrath, when they stopped for an intimate interlude in the bus shelter, they were headed to the pub because they showed live football in the bar and there was a huge match on.

It was an FA cup 2^nd round replay between Northchapel Athletic and Finchbottom Forest which was a first because neither team had been on TV before, and the prize would be another first for either team, a tie in the 3^rd round, against, and if that wasn’t enough of an incentive, their opponents would be Man Utd, so it was hugely important because Duane was Northchapel fan.

Everything was going great when they were kissing in the bus shelter until she said she had a confession to make.

“What then?” he asked
“I’ve been dreading saying this” she said “But here goes”

Duane was really worried, especially after she said she was “dreading it” and began to wonder if he really wanted to know, and when Sharon took a deep breath Duane braced himself

“I’m a Forest supporter” she said and closed her eyes and grimaced, it took a moment for the full implications of her statement to sink in.

“I think I would have preferred it if you were married, or a Lesbian, or a married Lesbian” he said, and she moved close in to him and asked

“Do you mean you would prefer a married woman to be in love with you rather than a Finchbottom Forest supporter?”

“She loved me” he said to himself and he wasn’t sure if that shocked him more than the fact she supported Forest.

“I'm sorry” she said “Not much of a Christmas present for my new boyfriend I’m afraid”
“You couldn't be more wrong” he said “It was the perfect Christmas
present, when you said you loved me”

Then he kissed her and when they paused she said

“We’re going to miss the match”

“It’s only a game” he replied and returned to the kissing

Snippets of Downshire Life – Boxing Day

 

In the small but thriving English county of Downshire people go about the tasks of their everyday existence in ways that range from the mundane to the extraordinary as their forebears had done for centuries before, in the varied and diverse landscape, from the Ancient forests of Dancingdean and Pepperstock, the craggy ridges and manmade lakes of the Pepperstock Hills National Park, the rolling hills of the Downshire Downs, to the beautiful Finchbottom Vale and the short but beautiful coastline to the east.

But our story is set in and around Turnoak-Under-Hawthorne, a large rambling village, originally settled in the 12th century on the sparsely wooded slopes on the Northern fringe of the Finchbottom Vale about 5 miles from Purplemere, and it was everything you would expect from a Downshire Village.

It was the village where the Higgins and Hewer families lived next door to each other and the families should have been tied by the marriage of Helen and Neil, but instead of a joining of the two families they were split apart when Helen ran away, and two years passed before the couple met again, on Boxing Day.

Neither knew that the other would be in the village on that day and they were both taken aback when they bumped into each other at the Hen and Chickens, he was on the way up the steps and she on the way out, and they stood there as the snow fell and minutes past before either spoke, but it was Neil who broke the silence.

“I’ve really missed you”

She seemed both surprised and pleased by the revelation and he wondered if she had heard him correctly or if it was just whatever she’d been drinking having an effect on her processing ability,

“I’m sorry” she replied

“Why did you go?” he asked “I never understood why you left”

“I had to” she replied earnestly

“But why??” he asked

“Because I was scared” Helen confessed

“Scared?” he asked aghast

“Yes” 

“Of what?” Neil asked angrily

“Marriage” She admitted

“So, all you had to say was no” he said and then there was an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes as the snow began to fall faster but then she said

“I thought it was for the best”

“It wasn’t the best for me, or you” he said and turned and began to walk away and Helen followed him

“Let me explain” Helen said as she trotted behind him, but he ignored her and pressed on across the car park towards the road, but she caught up with him as he stopped to allow a car to complete its maneuver.

“I made a mistake” she said from behind him and he span round on her

“I realised almost immediately” she continued

“So why didn’t you come back?”

“I didn’t know how” she said and fell in to his arms

“So, you just made us both unhappy” he said gently

“Yes” she replied, and Helen began to cry

“Don’t cry honey” he said

When he imagined them meeting again he hadn’t expected to see that side of her, vulnerable, that was a different girl to the one who had run away, she wasn’t vulnerable or unsure of herself on that day.  

So, when she looked up at him through tear filled eyes he kissed her, a kiss they had both longed for, and dreamt of for two years.

Snippets of Downshire Life – Feast of St Stephen

 

In the north of Downshire is the old market Town of Nettlebridge which was quainter and more peaceful than its neighbour Nettlefield, which was a Military Town whereas Nettlebridge prospered from the sheep and wool trade, which is evidenced by the road names,  Sheepfold Street, Woolsack Lane and Shepherds Bridge, and this trade had historically generated a great deal of wealth, and it was also the village where the family home of the Porthnall’s was which was where the family were expected to return to for Christmas.

There were four daughters in the family Julie, May, April and June, the older two were married and had been in Nettlebridge since the schools broke up for the Christmas Holidays but the younger pair couldn’t get there until Boxing Day because they were both Nurses at the Winston Churchill Hospital in Abbottsford and were both on duty on Christmas Day.

         

April and June lived together and were as different as chalk and cheese, June was tall, slim and blonde while April was shorter and brunette, in fact the only things they had in common were blue eyes, a surname, a profession, and a taste in men, in every other way they differed, and the best way to sum them up would be to say that April had a heart and a brain whereas June possessed neither.

 

They set off from Abbottsford at the crack of dawn after June’s boyfriend Dave Hicks pick them up from the hospital, he was medium height, black hair, gypsy eyes, a kind heart and April loved him.

As the sisters had been on duty all night they slept all the way to Nettlebridge and when they arrived, refreshed by a few hours’ sleep, they found there was a house full at the Porthnall’s and a great day followed, a huge family dinner and plenty of wine and as they were staying the night they all got a bit merry, apart from June who got hammered after gorging herself.

It was a big house but even so a reshuffle on the accommodation front was required, due to their mother’s insistence that June and Dave sleep in separate rooms, because their mother was a good Christian woman and didn’t believe in that kind of thing.

The result of the reshuffle meant that Dave shared the spare room with Cousin James while April was forced to endure her sisters’ constant drunken snoring and farting as they each slept on a sofa in the lounge.

April found it difficult to drop off, partly because of June and her horrendous snoring, but also because her head was full of images of her sister’s boyfriend.

After tossing and turning for about an hour her attempts to drop off were further frustrated by an acute need to pee so she got up and tiptoed her way upstairs to the loo.

April was yawning as she left the bathroom and stepped back onto the landing not really paying attention to what she was doing and subsequently bumped into David coming the other way, who wrapped his arms around her and carried her back into the bathroom where he planted a passionate, sensual kiss on her lips.

“We shouldn’t be doing this” she said coming up for air

“Why? You were enjoying it” Dave said and kissed her anew

“That’s not the point” she protested

“So, you admit you were enjoying it” he said “so let’s do it again”

“We mustn’t” April insisted and opened some distance between them

“But it’s really nice” He said wistfully

“I know but we can’t be doing it anymore” she said indignantly

“I know you like me” he continued as he leant against the door

“I’ve seen you looking at me when you think no one’s looking”

“Ah” she exclaimed and sat down on the loo.

David had been going out with June for about three months and April fell in love with him the instant she brought him home.

But the thought never crossed her mind to do anything about it, she had a strong moral compass and you didn’t do things like that, it wasn’t cricket, even if her sister didn’t deserve him.

So, she just worshipped him from afar.

“I’m sorry” she said

“Why are you sorry?” David asked

“For being too weak” she replied “I had no right to fall for you”

“I don’t think you’re weak” David said “Far from it, a weak person wouldn’t have stopped me kissing them”

“Maybe” she conceded

“Your sister wouldn’t have stopped” he added

“I’m not my sister” she pointed out

“I realize that only too well” he said and stepped forward

“I’d better go, but this is for Christmas” he said and kissed her gently

“Merry Christmas”

 

April went back downstairs and tried to sleep but she found it even more difficult after her encounter with David, than she did before.

“This is a real Christmas surprise” she thought as he lay wide awake with only her sisters snoring for company.

When June rolled over onto her side she let out a ripping fart, which was as a result of her skinny body trying to deal with all the food and drink she shoved into it during the course of the day.

A minute or so later a cloud of noxious gas drifted over April and was so foul she decided to leave the room and take sanctuary in the kitchen.

 

She walked out into the hall and turned towards the kitchen and just as he reached the kitchen door a voice from behind said 

“Hello again”

She turned around to see David sitting on the stairs.

“Hi David” she said, “Are you stalking me?”

“Would you mind?” he asked

“No comment, do you want a drink?” she said and went into the kitchen and David followed on behind.

 

She made the drinks and sat down at the table opposite him.

“So, you can’t sleep either then” she said

“I’m afraid not”

“Something on your mind” April asked

“Something” he agreed but didn’t elaborate so she didn’t pursue it any further.

But after five minutes he asked

“Would you go out with me if I wasn’t spoken for?”

“If you weren’t going out with June I’d go out with you in a heartbeat”

She replied

“Why?” David added

“Why would I go out with you?” she said

“Where do I start? Your hair, your eyes, your smile, your laugh but most of all your heart”

David gave her a dazzling smile when she had finished her catalogue and said

“I’ve broken up with her”

“What?” April asked

“We broke up” he replied

“When?”

“Last week”

“But why?”

“Well partly because she’s been seeing my best friend Kenny” he replied “or my ex best friend Kenny I should say”

“Was she?” April asked in disbelief

“You didn’t know then?”

“No, I didn’t, honestly” she said “she wouldn’t tell me something like that because she knows I’d disapprove”

“No, that’s because you are a better human being” David said proudly

“I don’t know about that” April said, “What was the rest of the reason?”

“What?”

“You said June and Kenny was only part of the reason”

“Oh yes I see” he said “well mostly I broke up with her because she’s not you”

April couldn’t believe her ears, did those words really come out of his mouth, it wasn’t possible that he was really attracted to her.

“So, if you broke up with her last week why did you still come today?” she asked

“Because you’re here” he replied and walked around the table, bent down and kissed her.

It was a long and lingering kiss and when it was over she enjoyed it so much she was feeling guilty.

“Does June know?”

“Yes” he said eager to resume

“So why didn’t she say something?” he asked “she’s rubbish at keeping secrets”

“Because I told her I’d send the nude selfie she’d sent me to all my friends if she didn’t, especially if it spoiled my chances with you” he replied and kissed her again before she could speak anymore.

The prolonged kiss showed no sign of abating until a voice said

“What’s going on in here then?”

It was Cousin James who David was sharing the spare room with.

“He’s just wishing me a Happy Christmas?” April said

“Result” James remarked as he poured himself a glass of water and then added

“I’ll leave you two alone”

“Good because I want to wish her a Happy New Year now” David replied

“I think that’s a given” April said

 

They left Nettlebridge shortly after lunch the next day and had a clear run back to Abbottsford.

David was driving and April rode shotgun while a rather fragile June sat in the back and judging by the aromas emanating from back there it was obvious her digestinal tract was still processing the garbage she consumed the previous day.

It was a very quiet and uneventful journey home with all of them lost in their own thoughts.

Aprils were quite philosophical as she pondered the difference a day makes, on the journey up she was envious of her sister and felt guilty for the way she looked at David, while on the way back she couldn’t stop smiling and looked like the cat that got the cream, which of course she had.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (004) Boxing Day Confession

 

“I have a confession to make,” she said.
“Oh? What?” I asked her “Are you married?”

“Not that I remember” she replied “and I would hope if I were, I wouldn’t be standing in a bus shelter kissing another man”

 

It was Boxing Day and we were on our way to the “Grapes”, and the reason we were on our way there was because they showed live football in the bar and United were playing Liverpool.

I was a Man Utd fan, from a long line of United fans and it was an important match, well to be honest it was always an important match when we played Liverpool, but this one was more important than normal.

 

I thought about it for a moment and she could have been married for all I knew, I hadn’t known her long and we’d only had our first proper date on Christmas Eve, so there was a lot I didn’t know about her.

Her name was Billi Ridgway and she was new to the village, her family had moved into the house next door to my parents, two weeks before Christmas from somewhere in Cheshire.

I liked the look of her from the first minute and asked her out, but it took me almost 2 weeks before I wore her down and she said yes.

It was kind of an instant attraction thing, certainly for me, and since the first attraction had gradually deepened, I was now head over heels in love with her.

But on Boxing Day we were on our way to the pub to watch the match when we stopped for an intimate interlude in the bus shelter.

 

“What then?” I asked
“I’ve been dreading saying this” she said, and I was really worried and wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but Billi took a deep breath and I braced myself

“I’m a Liverpool supporter” she said and closed her eyes and grimaced, but it took a moment for the full implications of her statement to sink in.

“I think I would have preferred it if you were married” I said, so she moved close into me and asked

“Do you mean you would prefer a married woman to be in love with you rather than a Liverpool supporter?”

“She loved me” I said to myself and I wasn’t sure if that shocked me more than the fact, she supported Liverpool.

“I'm sorry,” she said “Not much of a Christmas present for my new boyfriend I’m afraid”
But she couldn't have been more wrong, it was the perfect Christmas
present, Billi Ridgeway loved me.