Tuesday, 8 December 2020

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (006) The Silver Tinsel Tree

 

Being born in the late fifties I have few recollections of that austere decade, almost all of my earliest memories are from the brasher, brighter and less restrained sixties.

As a result my early memories of Christmas are of a bright and sparkly time when paper chains and the watery colours of paper stars, bells and balls were being replaced by foil and tinsel.

Hence the Silver Tinsel Christmas Tree, looking back it was a quite unspectacular specimen of a tree compared to what’s on offer nowadays, but we loved it.

It stood less than 5 feet tall with its fold down tinsel covered wire branches tipped with red beads to symbolise berries.

However by the time Dad had worked his not inconsiderable magic and covered it with every size, shape and shade of bauble, glass birds with feathered tails, lantern lights, strands of brightly coloured tinsel, chocolate treats and tiny crackers lain on the branches it was transformed and was absolutely stunning,

It was the only Christmas tree I ever knew until my teenage years came to an end when in the mid-seventies I suggested we have a real tree just for a change.

I would never have suggested it if I had realised that it would signal the death knell of the Silver Tinsel Tree as the following year it was replaced by a green plastic tree more akin to those of today.

After my Dad died a few years later the task of decorating the tree fell to me and I realised sadly that I hadn’t inherited his tree dressing skill and was never able to equal him.

I came close one year, in 1983 but I think in the end I merely flattered to deceive.

Thankfully the task has fallen to my wife for the past 29 years, she makes a far better fist of it than I ever could, whether she possesses the necessary skill to transform a Silver Tinsel Tree however we will never know.

I DON’T WANT A CHRISTMAS GIFT

 


I don’t want a Christmas gift

That’s very practical

Nor a homemade present

Or something musical

Not an article for wearing

Nothing thoughtful or twee

No items for the garden

Or anything scented fragrantly

And nothing so expensive that

The value is shocking

I just want something shapely

In a Christmas stocking

Snippets of Downshire Life – Feast of the Immaculate Conception

 

Downshire is a relatively small English county but that didn’t bother its inhabitants, the may not have been the biggest, but they were in no doubt that it was the best and that belief was no truer than in the southern town off Abbottsford, which was Downshire’s administrative capital and the seat of the Downshire government.

It was also a place that benefitted from the renowned Winston Churchill Hospital, it could also boast that it was a Cathedral City, was home to Abbottsford Town football club and was a seat of learning thanks to the Downshire University.

Sweet Jessica Delapina walked into the party with a delicate air and she entered his life like a breath of spring, enlivening him and her sweet refreshing presence altered everything in his world for ever.

Heads turned to watch the maiden, a vision of pulchritude, as she moved like liquid lust, but she had eyes for him and him alone.

She was lithe limbed, gracile, and coquettish in the extreme and had but one desire which was to win his heart and soul because Jessica was hopelessly in love with him.

But until that day she had been invisible to him, all through the first year they were at University she was just another college girl on campus, but for her he was her universe and every night he was in her head and in her dreams.

She was not invisible to other boys on campus, but she wasn’t interested in any of them, she had set her cap, and she would brook no substitute.

 

However, on that day she was not invisible, on that day he could see her, and he instantly ached for her, but he wasn’t going to get her, not that day.

She didn’t want to be just another conquest for a college boy, she wanted him, but she would deny herself the pleasure of him until he wanted her more.

Dressed as she was in a figure-hugging dress which left nothing to the imagination, she would win his love along with his lust.

She had his attention now and with him hooked she would lead him like a bull by the nose until she was certain she had his heart, his soul, and his love as certain sure as she could have had the rest of him right there and then.

Only when he professed his love to her, and she was sure of his sincerity would she surrender her virginity to him.

That surrender came on the night of their wedding on the 8th of December, in the Wedding Suite of the Abbottsford Regents Hotel and their union was perfectly blessed.

Monday, 7 December 2020

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (005) My First Working Christmas

 

I was living in a Stevenage with my parents in the early seventies, in a block of Warden run flats, which were sheltered accommodation for the elderly, and my mother was the Warden.

I attended the School nearby, but I was never what you might call academic, so I left school when I was fifteen, and I left at the end of May and I started my first job three days later, as a trainee groundsman.

However in the November of that same year the family house from one side of town to the other, and the significance of this will become clear later in the story.

The house move didn’t affect my getting to and from work though as the town had a good bus service, operating a flat fare service on circular routes, so I still got the same bus as I did from the old address but from a different stop, and the price was the same, this will also prove significant later on.

As I said this was my first year at work and as a result I also had my first works Christmas party to look forward to, which was on the last day before we broke for the Christmas holiday and we had a little works party in the yard, where a little Christmas cheer was imbibed and a drink or two were consumed.

Now I was only sixteen when Christmas came around and I had only had very limited experience of alcohol and I got well and truly bladdered on Whisky Mac, cider and something unpronounceable from Yugoslavia.

At the end of the boozy afternoon one of my workmates gave me a lift into the town centre and in my drunken state I staggered to the bus station and caught my usual bus, and I managed to climb the stairs to the top deck and in due course the bus set off, filled with Christmas shoppers and a one drunken trainee groundsman.

Probably with the combination of alcohol and the motion of the bus I drifted off on the journey and I suddenly came to and on looking out the window I recognized a familiar sight and I promptly got off the bus.

As the bus drove off, I headed off up the road in the direction of home wishing all and sundries a merry Christmas as I went, not unlike George Bailey in “It’s a wonderful life”.

When I reached the flats I entered through the main doors, passing the Christmas tree in the foyer and headed straight for flat number one.

At the door I fumbled for my key and presented it to the lock, but it wouldn’t fit, so I peered closely at it and it was definitely my door key so I tried to put it in the lock again, but still it wouldn’t fit.

Suddenly the door opened and a stranger looked out at me

“Can I help?” she asked.

“Ah, my name is Paul, and I don’t live here, anymore do I?”

The lady, who was the new Warden, laughed and agreed with me that I no longer lived there.

So I wished her a happy Christmas and made my way back to the foyer were there was a public telephone with a large Perspex dome over it.

My intention was to phone for a taxi but rummaging in my pockets I discovered I had no money for the taxi or indeed a coin to make a phone call, and then as I tried to duck under the Perspex hood I tripped over my own feet and fell into the Christmas tree which ended up on top of me.

The lady, who now lived at no 1, heard the commotion and came to investigate and to my surprise thought it very amusing to find a drunken teenager wearing the Christmas tree.

“Oh dear” she said laughing.

Deeply apologetic, I explained the circumstances of my predicament and the new Warden phoned a taxi for me and even gave me the money for the fare.

That was real Christmas spirit, in the spirit of the Capra classic, and I have never forgotten her kindness and tolerance and try to keep that same spirit in my own heart at Christmas.

CROMWELLIAN (CLERIHEW)

 

 

The lord protector Oliver Cromwell

Killed thousands, the truth to tell

Beheaded the king and closed hostelries

And he cancelled the Christmas festivities

THE NOT-SO-GREAT WAR

 

“Your country needs you,” said Kitchener

You’re needed to fight them over there

 “It will be over by Christmas,” they said

But it was just getting started instead

In the cold trenches on Christmas morn

The guns remained silent after the dawn

Soon forgetting the horrendous conditions

Men began emerging from their positions

The opposing soldiers met in no man’s land

Then smiled and shook their enemy’s hand

Briefly at peace both sides felt regrets

Then they exchanged gifts of cigarettes

A day without a single shot fired at all

They even got to play a game of football

Sadly, the men returned their own way

They began killing again on Boxing day

 

Snippets of Downshire Life – Bumper Edition

 

The village of Brocklington was on the River Brooke about six miles downstream from Sharping St Mary in the Finchbottom Vale, which was once a great wetland that centuries earlier stretched from Mornington in the East to Childean in the west and from Shallowfield in the south to Purplemere in the north, but there were only three small bodies of water left in the Vale now one in Mornington, one in Childean and third of course was Purplemere, which was where Brockington’s most recent newcomer had arrived from.

His name was Mark Diamond and he worked for Brocklington Broadcast International, who were based in the village for more than five years and had waited for four years for a suitable property in the village to come on to the market, and it was a life changing move especially when he met his next-door neighbour, Molly Ford.

 

Molly was a divorcee and immediately lost her heart to him but was reluctant to do anything about it and thought that any search for a meaningful love with someone of a like mind would be a fruitless exercise as she had been let down before.

She was a striking looking woman, not model beautiful but very lovely with dark hypnotic eyes.

Though the woman that stared back at her from the bedroom mirror each day thought she was far from lovely.

She stood 5 feet 4 inches tall in her stocking feet and was a stone heavier than she should have been which was thanks to her own baking.

She wasn’t though disappointed with everything she saw in the mirror she liked her legs which she thought were quite shapely and her hair which she thought of as her crowning glory, which was long and straight and was of a brown so dark that it looked black.

 

However, Molly didn’t think that nice legs and beautiful hair was sufficient to win the love of her new neighbor Mark Diamond, she valued herself so little, which was why she held no expectation in his regard.

He for his part had shown no interested in her nor given any indication that he thought of her in anyway other than as a friend and neighbor, and her dilemma was that if she did tell him of her feelings for him and he didn’t feel the same about her it would create an unbearable awkwardness, with him living next door.

So that was why she decided it was best not to upset the Status Quo, and to just remain as friends.

After all friendship was better than nothing and that had been her opinion for nine long months.

Molly had not however gone unnoticed by Mark, but he too had decided discretion was the better part of valour and also opted for the Status Quo option.

 

His role at BBI was as a middle management strategist but that year, due to a sudden heart attack striking down the woman who organized the Christmas entertainment for the company, Mark was given a new project, cater the Christmas office party from scratch in 10 days.

 

Maureen had her heart attack in October and he wasn’t given the poisoned chalice until well into December by which time all the venues were fully booked, including The Mulberry Tree in the village, and no one could cater it at such short notice.

The venue wasn’t so much of an issue as they could hold the party at BBI, but catering was, because the staff were going to expect more that Pork Scratching’s and cheese footballs.

So, his thought returned to his beautiful buxom neighbor Molly, because apart from the fact he thought she was gorgeous, he also knew that she was a brilliant baker, and she was also the manager of Addison’s Bakery in the village, so she had the wherewithal to get the job done and get him out of a hole, provided she wasn’t already over committed.

 

What he didn’t know was that there was a great deal of completion within Addison’s and Brockington were neck and neck with their nearest rivals in Dulcet St Mary at the end of November and a huge catering order would push them over the line, which would mean both the kudos and a nice bonus for Molly’s shop.

  

He got up late on Monday morning, so when he knocked on Molly’s front door he got no answer, so he took a walk into the village and wandered aimlessly down the road with no particular purpose and found himself walking past Stephenson’s corner store, and as he’d used the last of the milk in his morning coffee, he decided to pop in and get some.

And as soon as he walked in, his eye was drawn to a large stack of magazines. the Radio Times to be precise, and the bumper Christmas edition at that.

He knew that it was a bit sad, but he really looked forward to getting the Bumper Christmas Edition of the Radio Times, (other TV Guides are available).

It was one of the highlights of the season for him, and he would have gladly acknowledged that it did indeed sound really sad, but he didn’t care, it was part of Christmas for him, but to make it even sadder, he bought two copies.

The magazine reminded him of his childhood when the family would mark the programs they didn’t want to miss in coloured pen.

At that time, you had to buy a Radio Times for the BBC channels and a TV Times for the commercial stations.

 

After leaving Stephenson’s with the Bumper Edition of his magazine he headed towards Addison’s to see his other favourite bumper bundle, Molly, and on arrival went inside.

“Hello Mark” Molly said, her face blushing slightly

“Hi Molly, I missed you at the house this morning” he said, and she completely coloured up

“Oh? How can I help?” she asked conscious that her colleagues were watching her every move

“I’m hoping you can save my life, I’ve been lumbered with organizing the Christmas party” he said fishing inside his coat and bringing out a folded piece of paper and handed it to her

“At the last minute to boot, can you cater for one hundred, in a week?”

Molly said nothing, just read the list so he added

“I’ve listed a few things that are a must, but the rest is up to you and money is no object”

Molly smiled and handed the list to her colleagues and gave him a bear hug almost crushing his Radio Times

“You are my hero” she announced and kissed his cheek several times, and then as they stood face to face smiling at each other they kissed, and it was a long slow and deliberate kiss.

“Do we get one of those now” Karen asked from behind the counter when they had finished.

“No, you certainly don’t” Molly replied

“It’s one of the perks of management” she added, and she kissed him again

 

When they had finished a queue had formed so she blushed and said

“Well thank you for your order Mr Diamond”

“Here if I order something do I get one of those?” and elderly customer asked, prompting a peel of laughter

“I’m sorry Mr Oakley” she said “Special customers only”

 

As a result of their exchange in the shop BBI got their Christmas Party, Addison’s staff got their bonus, Molly got her man and Christmas for Mark was a special Bumper Edition.