When the garlands are hung
And the tree is
well dressed
It’s to celebrate
Christmas
Not a fictitious Winterfest
Showing posts with label Christmas Tree. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas Tree. Show all posts
Sunday 18 August 2024
WHEN THE GARLANDS ARE HUNG
Monday 22 March 2021
ARTIFICIAL TREES
As
so many Christmas innovations artificial trees originated in Germany towards
the end of the 1800’s.
The
trees were formed from Metal wire and covered with feathers Goose, Turkey, Ostrich
or Swan and the feathers would be died green to imitate pine needles.
Then
In the 1930's, the Addis Brush Company in America created the first
artificial-brush trees.
They
used the same machinery as that used to make their toilet brushes.
It
was in 1950 that The Addis 'Silver Pine' tree was patented.
The
tree was designed to have a revolving light source under it which would shine
through colored gels casting different shades of light as it revolved beneath
the tree.
Not
a million miles away from the fiber optic trees we have today.
Saturday 13 February 2021
THE NORWEGIAN TREE
The Christmas tree that stands in Trafalgar square every is the traditional Christmas gift to the people of Britain
Every
year since 1947 the city of Oslo in Norway has presented the city of
Westminster, London with a Christmas tree.
The
first tree was a token of Norwegian appreciation of British friendship and
support during the Second World War.
After
the German forces invaded Norway in 1940, king Haakon vii was helped to escape
Britain and a Norwegian government in exile was set up in London.
To
the Norwegian people, London came to represent the spirit of freedom as during
the dark days of occupation.
It
was from London that the latest news was broadcast in Norwegian.
Also,
there were concealed messages for resistance groups were also broadcast at the
same time.
The
radio transmissions became a lifeline for the Norwegian people.
The
tree is a powerful symbol of the close and warm relationship between the
peoples of Britain and Norway.
The
Norwegians are as proud to present their token of friendship as are the people
of Britain to receive it.
The
tree is a Norwegian spruce and is chosen from the forests surrounding Oslo with
great care.
A
particular tree can be earmarked for Trafalgar square for anything from several
months to a couple of years in advance.
The
tree is usually 70 ft. tall and in the region of 50 years old.
The
Norwegian foresters responsible for its care describe it fondly as 'the queen
of the forest'.
The
tree is felled one day in November in the presence of the British ambassador to
Norway and the mayors of Oslo and Westminster they even take active part in the
felling.
As
part of the ceremony local schoolchildren sing Christmas carols and 'forest
coffee' and sandwiches are served.
The
tree is then shipped across the North Sea to England and then by special
transport to Trafalgar square.
The
operation to erect the tree takes several hours a scaffolding tower is erected
so the tree can be winched upright.
The
base of the tree’s trunk is pushed four feet into the ground and it is then
secured with a dozen’s of wooden wedges.
With
no other form of support the tree stands unsupported again as it did in the
forest.
The
lighting ceremony takes place in the dusky early evening of the first Thursday
in December.
A
band play’s loudly and a choir sings Christmas carols as the mayor of
Westminster arrives with other officials in his party.
Then
after due ceremony and a flick of a switch the Christmas tree comes alive, in
line with Norwegian tradition all the lights are white; the tree turns into a
twinkling mass of white lights.
Carols
are sung by the choir of nearby St martin-in-the-fields, and carol concerts are
held in the square.
A
crib is provided by the vicar of St. Martin-in-the-fields and it is placed on
the west side of the square.
The
passing public may stop on their way home from work and join the carol singers
every night until Christmas.
Tuesday 8 December 2020
Uncanny Christmas Tales – (006) The Silver Tinsel Tree
Being born in the late fifties I have few recollections of that austere decade, almost all of my earliest memories are from the brasher, brighter and less restrained sixties.
As a result my early memories of Christmas are of a bright and sparkly time when paper chains and the watery colours of paper stars, bells and balls were being replaced by foil and tinsel.
Hence the Silver Tinsel Christmas Tree, looking back it was a quite unspectacular specimen of a tree compared to what’s on offer nowadays, but we loved it.
It stood less than 5 feet tall with its fold down tinsel covered wire branches tipped with red beads to symbolise berries.
However by the time Dad had worked his not inconsiderable magic and covered it with every size, shape and shade of bauble, glass birds with feathered tails, lantern lights, strands of brightly coloured tinsel, chocolate treats and tiny crackers lain on the branches it was transformed and was absolutely stunning,
It was the only Christmas tree I ever knew until my teenage years came to an end when in the mid-seventies I suggested we have a real tree just for a change.
I would never have suggested it if I had realised that it would signal the death knell of the Silver Tinsel Tree as the following year it was replaced by a green plastic tree more akin to those of today.
After my Dad died a few years later the task of decorating the tree fell to me and I realised sadly that I hadn’t inherited his tree dressing skill and was never able to equal him.
I came close one year, in 1983 but I think in the end I merely flattered to deceive.
Thankfully the task has fallen to my wife for the past 29 years, she makes a far better fist of it than I ever could, whether she possesses the necessary skill to transform a Silver Tinsel Tree however we will never know.
Tuesday 21 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 9
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS WAISTCOAT?
Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer
SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS
She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”
THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS
To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas
WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee
GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF
Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register
SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN
So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur
A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED
A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited
MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS
My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do
Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer
SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS
She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”
THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS
To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas
WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee
GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF
Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register
SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN
So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur
A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED
A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited
MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS
My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do
Monday 20 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 8
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?
Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS
Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"
RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER
Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farce
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?
Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS
The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s
WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN
When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST
New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?
Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed
IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN
If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking
RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS
Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like
ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?
Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low
Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS
Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"
RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER
Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farce
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?
Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS
The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s
WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN
When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST
New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?
Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed
IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN
If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking
RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS
Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like
ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?
Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low
Sunday 19 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 7
ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?
Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES
The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer
THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH
There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles
HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE
He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE
The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes
Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES
The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer
THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH
There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles
HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE
He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE
The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes
Saturday 18 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 6
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?
Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl
SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY
Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole
I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS
I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
ABANDONING THE NATIVITY
It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby
SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING
It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again
THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS
They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?
Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl
SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY
Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole
I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS
I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
ABANDONING THE NATIVITY
It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby
SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING
It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again
THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS
They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
Friday 17 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 5
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?
Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”
ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?
Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get
A BLONDE GIFT
Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit
DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES
I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU
All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer
EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS
Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit
SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS
Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are
SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL
Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO
The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus
Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”
ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?
Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get
A BLONDE GIFT
Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit
DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES
I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU
All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer
EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS
Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit
SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS
Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are
SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL
Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO
The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus
Thursday 16 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 3
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?
Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?
BAD SANTA # 3
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia
ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?
Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?
BAD SANTA # 3
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia
ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?
Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
Saturday 11 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 4
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?
Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present
BAD SANTA # 4
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?
Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard
MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED
Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh
I EAT EVERYTHING
I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present
BAD SANTA # 4
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?
Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard
MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED
Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh
I EAT EVERYTHING
I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
Friday 10 March 2017
Christmas 2016 # 2
AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME
As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work
AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD
At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present
But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas
SHINY RED BAUBLES
Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason
WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF
We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection
INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY
Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer
FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER
For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts
I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS
I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries
WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?
“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”
WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’
JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN
Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.
SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET
Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls
THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY
The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast
DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”
As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work
AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD
At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present
But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas
SHINY RED BAUBLES
Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason
WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF
We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection
INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY
Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer
FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER
For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts
I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS
I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries
WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?
“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”
WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’
JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN
Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.
SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET
Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls
THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY
The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast
DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”
Saturday 4 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 2
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?
Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
BAD SANTA # 2
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney
ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE
The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?
Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
BAD SANTA # 2
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney
ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE
The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?
Monday 27 February 2017
Christmas 2016 # 1
WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?
Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet
I REMEMBER THE TIME
I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause
FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE
Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year
I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES
I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day
CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!
Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!
REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT
Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it
IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY
In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you
CHRISTMAS PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents
FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve
A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE
A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1
That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays
WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS
When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason
I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT
I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow
Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet
I REMEMBER THE TIME
I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause
FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE
Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year
I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES
I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day
CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!
Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!
REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT
Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it
IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY
In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you
CHRISTMAS PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents
FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve
A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE
A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1
That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays
WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS
When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason
I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT
I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow
Saturday 25 February 2017
Christmas 2015 # 1
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?
Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise
BAD SANTA # 1
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1
Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek
ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?
Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED
The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true
Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise
BAD SANTA # 1
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1
Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek
ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?
Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED
The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true
Thursday 26 January 2017
A Jamboree Bag of Christmas # 3
BRUMALIA
In the Roman Empire on the great day of December 25th, came the Brumalia or festival of the shortest day. A day of great religious significance for the sun-worshipers.
This day was also known as Natalis Solus Invicti or the "Birth of the Unconquerable Sun"
This was the time when the day began again to lengthen.
In the fifth century the Western Church ordered Christmas to be celebrated forever on the day of the old Roman feast of the birth of Sol.
SATURNALIA
Saturnalia was a period of the year that was one of great festivity for the pagan Romans.
The four day celebration of Saturnalia began on December 17th with the feast of the god Saturn, the Roman deity of seed and sowing.
"The Roman Saturnalia was characterized by processions, singing, lighting candles, adorning houses with laurels and green trees, giving presents."
Many of these have passed into modern day Christmas celebrations.
A major part of the pagan Saturnalia festival was ritual turning everything upside-down which abolished for a short while the distinction of ranks, a reversal of all order and dignities where slaves were served by masters, soldiers served by their officers, a tradition which is still carried out today in the British armed forces.
TOPSY TURVEY
A major part of the Romans pagan Saturnalia festival, the ritual turning everything upside-down and the temporary loss of the distinction of ranks, a reversal of all order and dignities where slaves were served by masters, soldiers served by their officers passed on into the British Christmas celebrations.
It was probable a remnant of the roman culture left behind when the great empire first shrunk and then fell.
The custom was carried out to great lengths at Christmastime in England during the middle Ages.
It was customary to appoint a "Lord of Misrule" or an "Abbot of Unreason" or even the 'Lord of Merry Disport' who presided over the blasphemous foolery and this appointment was normally made by a significant noble.
However in England an 'Abbot of Misrule' was chosen in every large household though in Scotland it was an 'Abbot of Unreason'.
During the thankfully short term of the festival he was the master of the house.
The church hierarchy frowned upon this Blasphemy but had to put a brave face on it.
Church leaders would certainly not approve of the fact that it was quite customary even for the clergy to indulge in the paganism.
Thankfully the early Puritans who witnessed the jolly antics of the grotesque fools abolished the practise, the only good thing they ever did, and when the puritans lost their power the practise was never revived.
There is still a tradition within the British Armed forces and the Metropolitan Police service where the lower ranks are served Christmas dinner by the officers but that is all that survives.
EPIPHANY
January 5th or twelfth night marks the climax of the Christmas season.
The twelve days of Christmas are counted from December 25th until twelfth night.
The season of Christmas begins with the first Sunday of Advent and concludes with Epiphany.
The period between Christmas day and epiphany is referred to as Christmastide.
Epiphany usually shares the white and gold, colours of Christmas denoting celebration, newness, and hope.
But epiphany has a much more significant meaning to the Christian as it marks the time when the magi were the first gentiles to acknowledge Jesus as "king" and this act of worship by the magi,
Was a message to the world that Jesus came for all people, of all nations, of all races, and of all faiths.
GLUHWEIN
Gluhwein is a traditional German mulled wine served containing cloves to warm against the bitter winter days.
It is traditionally served at the many German outdoor Christmas markets to keep the customers warm and full of Christmas cheer.
THREE KINGS DAY
Three Kings Day is celebrated on January 6th, twelve days after Christmas and is the last day of the Christmas season.
Three Kings Day or Día de los Reyes is Also known as The Epiphany, the Christian celebration commemorating the Biblical story of the three kings Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar who followed the star of Bethlehem to bring gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh to the Christ child.
Traditionally in Spanish speaking countries, Three Kings Day is the time for gift-giving, rather than Christmas day.
In some regions it IS customary for children to leave their shoes out on the night of January 5 hoping the Three Kings will be generous, the children’s shoes will often be filled with hay for the Kings camels.
When the Spanish children wake on January 6 they find the hay has gone and their shoes are filled with toys and gifts.
TRADITIONAL GLUHWEIN RECIPE
Ingredients:
1 bottle red wine
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
2 cloves
2 sticks of cinnamon
Orange and lemon peel
Instructions:
With the exception of the wine boil all ingredients together and reduce the volume by half.
Remove from the heat Strain and then add the Wine.
Return to the heat bringing the mixture to the boil but not boiling.
Remove from the heat and Serve hot.
TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS PUNCH RECIPE
Ingredients:
2 pints of water
8oz sugar
Half a bottle of rum
Half a bottle port
The juice and rind of 3 lemons
1 sliced apple
1 sliced orange
Grated nutmeg
Instructions:
Add the sugar and lemon rind to the water in a saucepan and boil. Remove from the heat and when cool strain before adding the rum, port and lemon juice.
Decant into large a pre-warmed punch bowl and float the sliced apple and orange on the top and finally sprinkle with nutmeg.
CHRISTMAS ALE
Most brewers will produce a robust and full bodied winter ale in time for the Christmas festivities.
It will be called Winter Warmer, Christmas ale, Winter ale or any combination of all the above.
In the 21st century when all the bars are stocked with many and various insipid imported lagers and the infamous Alco pops I just hope the brewers continue producing the traditional Christmas tipple
In the Roman Empire on the great day of December 25th, came the Brumalia or festival of the shortest day. A day of great religious significance for the sun-worshipers.
This day was also known as Natalis Solus Invicti or the "Birth of the Unconquerable Sun"
This was the time when the day began again to lengthen.
In the fifth century the Western Church ordered Christmas to be celebrated forever on the day of the old Roman feast of the birth of Sol.
SATURNALIA
Saturnalia was a period of the year that was one of great festivity for the pagan Romans.
The four day celebration of Saturnalia began on December 17th with the feast of the god Saturn, the Roman deity of seed and sowing.
"The Roman Saturnalia was characterized by processions, singing, lighting candles, adorning houses with laurels and green trees, giving presents."
Many of these have passed into modern day Christmas celebrations.
A major part of the pagan Saturnalia festival was ritual turning everything upside-down which abolished for a short while the distinction of ranks, a reversal of all order and dignities where slaves were served by masters, soldiers served by their officers, a tradition which is still carried out today in the British armed forces.
TOPSY TURVEY
A major part of the Romans pagan Saturnalia festival, the ritual turning everything upside-down and the temporary loss of the distinction of ranks, a reversal of all order and dignities where slaves were served by masters, soldiers served by their officers passed on into the British Christmas celebrations.
It was probable a remnant of the roman culture left behind when the great empire first shrunk and then fell.
The custom was carried out to great lengths at Christmastime in England during the middle Ages.
It was customary to appoint a "Lord of Misrule" or an "Abbot of Unreason" or even the 'Lord of Merry Disport' who presided over the blasphemous foolery and this appointment was normally made by a significant noble.
However in England an 'Abbot of Misrule' was chosen in every large household though in Scotland it was an 'Abbot of Unreason'.
During the thankfully short term of the festival he was the master of the house.
The church hierarchy frowned upon this Blasphemy but had to put a brave face on it.
Church leaders would certainly not approve of the fact that it was quite customary even for the clergy to indulge in the paganism.
Thankfully the early Puritans who witnessed the jolly antics of the grotesque fools abolished the practise, the only good thing they ever did, and when the puritans lost their power the practise was never revived.
There is still a tradition within the British Armed forces and the Metropolitan Police service where the lower ranks are served Christmas dinner by the officers but that is all that survives.
EPIPHANY
January 5th or twelfth night marks the climax of the Christmas season.
The twelve days of Christmas are counted from December 25th until twelfth night.
The season of Christmas begins with the first Sunday of Advent and concludes with Epiphany.
The period between Christmas day and epiphany is referred to as Christmastide.
Epiphany usually shares the white and gold, colours of Christmas denoting celebration, newness, and hope.
But epiphany has a much more significant meaning to the Christian as it marks the time when the magi were the first gentiles to acknowledge Jesus as "king" and this act of worship by the magi,
Was a message to the world that Jesus came for all people, of all nations, of all races, and of all faiths.
GLUHWEIN
Gluhwein is a traditional German mulled wine served containing cloves to warm against the bitter winter days.
It is traditionally served at the many German outdoor Christmas markets to keep the customers warm and full of Christmas cheer.
THREE KINGS DAY
Three Kings Day is celebrated on January 6th, twelve days after Christmas and is the last day of the Christmas season.
Three Kings Day or Día de los Reyes is Also known as The Epiphany, the Christian celebration commemorating the Biblical story of the three kings Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar who followed the star of Bethlehem to bring gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh to the Christ child.
Traditionally in Spanish speaking countries, Three Kings Day is the time for gift-giving, rather than Christmas day.
In some regions it IS customary for children to leave their shoes out on the night of January 5 hoping the Three Kings will be generous, the children’s shoes will often be filled with hay for the Kings camels.
When the Spanish children wake on January 6 they find the hay has gone and their shoes are filled with toys and gifts.
TRADITIONAL GLUHWEIN RECIPE
Ingredients:
1 bottle red wine
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
2 cloves
2 sticks of cinnamon
Orange and lemon peel
Instructions:
With the exception of the wine boil all ingredients together and reduce the volume by half.
Remove from the heat Strain and then add the Wine.
Return to the heat bringing the mixture to the boil but not boiling.
Remove from the heat and Serve hot.
TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS PUNCH RECIPE
Ingredients:
2 pints of water
8oz sugar
Half a bottle of rum
Half a bottle port
The juice and rind of 3 lemons
1 sliced apple
1 sliced orange
Grated nutmeg
Instructions:
Add the sugar and lemon rind to the water in a saucepan and boil. Remove from the heat and when cool strain before adding the rum, port and lemon juice.
Decant into large a pre-warmed punch bowl and float the sliced apple and orange on the top and finally sprinkle with nutmeg.
CHRISTMAS ALE
Most brewers will produce a robust and full bodied winter ale in time for the Christmas festivities.
It will be called Winter Warmer, Christmas ale, Winter ale or any combination of all the above.
In the 21st century when all the bars are stocked with many and various insipid imported lagers and the infamous Alco pops I just hope the brewers continue producing the traditional Christmas tipple
Tuesday 24 January 2017
A Jamboree Bag of Christmas # 2
TREE WORSHIP
Many of our modern Christmas customs are carried over from pre-Christian celebrations.
Hanging gifts on trees is purported to stem from the ancient Druids tree worship, and the belief that the tree was the giver of all things good.
AFTER THE REVOLUTION
After the French Revolution and the Monarchy was overthrown the new republican government banned Midnight Mass and as a result the people were denied access to the Church crèches.
Though I support of the revolution The people of Marseilles were not best please with this decision as they were particularly fond of the church Crèche and as the revolutionaries had denied them access to the church they created "public crèches" these were produced by individuals but displayed for all to see.
FAMILY CRÈCHES
The original Crèches in Provence date back to the 17th century, when the few bas-reliefs evolved into carved wooden figures.
They were mainly restricted to aristocratic and middle class homes.
The family crèche became even more widespread and some of them contained up to 40 different characters.
Even before decorated Christmas trees became the custom, the crèche already had pride of place in French people’s homes.
SANTONS
Santons are clay figurines that depict the characters of the nativity and were used in church crèches and later in family crèches.
The name Santon comes from the Provencal word "santoùn" or little saint.
The first Santons were modelled in wax by religious orders.
Then later they were made of clay found in the region of Marseilles and Aubagne.
When the French settled on the American continent they took Santons with them and they are an integral part of Christmas in Canada and Louisiana.
CHRISTMAS CACTUS
The Christmas cactus, native to Brazil, is a popular winter-flowering houseplant.
It has no symbolic or religious connection to Christmas.
The come in a wide variety of colours from red and purple to pink and cream.
Its only reason for being called the Christmas cactus is that it is in flower over the Christmas period.
EGGNOG
Eggnog is a tradition that arrived in America from Europe although not in its current form.
In Europe there were many milk and wine punches served at festive times however once in America Rum was used as a substitute for wine.
There seems to be a difference of opinion as to how the Colonial American Milk punch became known as Eggnog.
One theory is that as Rum was commonly known as "grog" and the punch contained Egg the name derived from the description of the drink, "egg-and-grog".
This would have been corrupted to egg'n'grog and then eventually to eggnog.
Another theory claims that the "nog" in eggnog stems from the word "noggin". A noggin being a crude small carved wooden mug often used in low taverns.
So if you have an egg drink in a noggin the drink becomes eggnog.
The final theory is a mixture of the previous two and so claims that eggnog was originally called "egg and grog in a noggin".
They all seem equally unconvincing but without a doubt the jury is still out on the last one I think.
Eggnog is still a popular drink during the holidays today and it’s hard to imagine a Christmas without a cup of the "Eggnog" to spice up a gathering and lend merriment and joy to the proceedings.
THE KISSING BOUGH
The kissing bough was made out of mistletoe, holly, ivy, and any other available evergreens.
It was shaped into a double hoop and had bright streamers flowing from the top and was decorated with apples, pears, ribbons, and lighted candles.
Anyone found under the bough, as with mistletoe, was to be kissed without delay.
The kissing bough was very popular in England but its heyday was before the arrival of the Christmas tree.
TRADITIONAL EGGNOG RECIPE
Ingredients:
4 Large eggs
2 floz. Jamaica Rum
8 oz. Granulated Sugar
8 floz. Un skimmed Milk
8 floz. Single Cream
1 pint Whiskey
Instructions:
Separate the eggs and then beat the yolks and whites separately before pouring them into a bowl together.
Add other ingredients and mix well then pour into a suitable container for serving.
Keep Refrigerated until ready to serve and sprinkle with nutmeg.
THE MUMMERS AND THE LORD OF MISRULE
In medieval England the Lord of Misrule played a major part in the Christmas festivities.
He led the many holiday activities and wielded real power even over the King.
The Lord of Misrule was appointed by the King and his nobles to reign for the Twelve Days of Christmas.
The chosen man was usually had wisdom enough not to abuse his position of power when dealing with the nobility and when instructing the mummers, a traveling band of rowdy players, whom h controlled out on the streets.
Much of the custom surrounding the Lord of Misrule and the Mummers had parallels with the Roman Saturnalia, during which masters and slaves changed places, with general rowdiness abounding.
The Mummers were a rowdy traveling band of players who roamed the streets in costume performing plays, songs and generally doing as the Lord of Misrule bad them.
While mainly being restricted to the streets they would at times burst into churches and disrupt services and generally carouse around.
They would perform classic Mummer's plays and like carollers, would often perform in exchange for Christmas goodies.
When the Puritans under Oliver Cromwell came to power, they banned the Lord of Misrule and the Mummers.
Although the monarchy restored many of the Christmas traditions outlawed by Cromwell, the Lord of Misrule and the Mummers remained outlawed and never again enjoyed the freedom and popularity they had in medieval England.
IMMACULATE CONCEPTION
December 8TH has been observed as a Roman Catholic feast in commemoration of the Immaculate Conception since1854.
It was in that year that Pope Pius IX made an official declaration that the term "Immaculate Conception" refers to neither the conception of Jesus nor to a virgin birth.
Pope Pius IX further decreed the term "Immaculate Conception" refers to a specific doctrine of Roman Catholicism decreeing that the Virgin Mary was preserved free from original sin by divine grace from the moment of her conception.
Many of our modern Christmas customs are carried over from pre-Christian celebrations.
Hanging gifts on trees is purported to stem from the ancient Druids tree worship, and the belief that the tree was the giver of all things good.
AFTER THE REVOLUTION
After the French Revolution and the Monarchy was overthrown the new republican government banned Midnight Mass and as a result the people were denied access to the Church crèches.
Though I support of the revolution The people of Marseilles were not best please with this decision as they were particularly fond of the church Crèche and as the revolutionaries had denied them access to the church they created "public crèches" these were produced by individuals but displayed for all to see.
FAMILY CRÈCHES
The original Crèches in Provence date back to the 17th century, when the few bas-reliefs evolved into carved wooden figures.
They were mainly restricted to aristocratic and middle class homes.
The family crèche became even more widespread and some of them contained up to 40 different characters.
Even before decorated Christmas trees became the custom, the crèche already had pride of place in French people’s homes.
SANTONS
Santons are clay figurines that depict the characters of the nativity and were used in church crèches and later in family crèches.
The name Santon comes from the Provencal word "santoùn" or little saint.
The first Santons were modelled in wax by religious orders.
Then later they were made of clay found in the region of Marseilles and Aubagne.
When the French settled on the American continent they took Santons with them and they are an integral part of Christmas in Canada and Louisiana.
CHRISTMAS CACTUS
The Christmas cactus, native to Brazil, is a popular winter-flowering houseplant.
It has no symbolic or religious connection to Christmas.
The come in a wide variety of colours from red and purple to pink and cream.
Its only reason for being called the Christmas cactus is that it is in flower over the Christmas period.
EGGNOG
Eggnog is a tradition that arrived in America from Europe although not in its current form.
In Europe there were many milk and wine punches served at festive times however once in America Rum was used as a substitute for wine.
There seems to be a difference of opinion as to how the Colonial American Milk punch became known as Eggnog.
One theory is that as Rum was commonly known as "grog" and the punch contained Egg the name derived from the description of the drink, "egg-and-grog".
This would have been corrupted to egg'n'grog and then eventually to eggnog.
Another theory claims that the "nog" in eggnog stems from the word "noggin". A noggin being a crude small carved wooden mug often used in low taverns.
So if you have an egg drink in a noggin the drink becomes eggnog.
The final theory is a mixture of the previous two and so claims that eggnog was originally called "egg and grog in a noggin".
They all seem equally unconvincing but without a doubt the jury is still out on the last one I think.
Eggnog is still a popular drink during the holidays today and it’s hard to imagine a Christmas without a cup of the "Eggnog" to spice up a gathering and lend merriment and joy to the proceedings.
THE KISSING BOUGH
The kissing bough was made out of mistletoe, holly, ivy, and any other available evergreens.
It was shaped into a double hoop and had bright streamers flowing from the top and was decorated with apples, pears, ribbons, and lighted candles.
Anyone found under the bough, as with mistletoe, was to be kissed without delay.
The kissing bough was very popular in England but its heyday was before the arrival of the Christmas tree.
TRADITIONAL EGGNOG RECIPE
Ingredients:
4 Large eggs
2 floz. Jamaica Rum
8 oz. Granulated Sugar
8 floz. Un skimmed Milk
8 floz. Single Cream
1 pint Whiskey
Instructions:
Separate the eggs and then beat the yolks and whites separately before pouring them into a bowl together.
Add other ingredients and mix well then pour into a suitable container for serving.
Keep Refrigerated until ready to serve and sprinkle with nutmeg.
THE MUMMERS AND THE LORD OF MISRULE
In medieval England the Lord of Misrule played a major part in the Christmas festivities.
He led the many holiday activities and wielded real power even over the King.
The Lord of Misrule was appointed by the King and his nobles to reign for the Twelve Days of Christmas.
The chosen man was usually had wisdom enough not to abuse his position of power when dealing with the nobility and when instructing the mummers, a traveling band of rowdy players, whom h controlled out on the streets.
Much of the custom surrounding the Lord of Misrule and the Mummers had parallels with the Roman Saturnalia, during which masters and slaves changed places, with general rowdiness abounding.
The Mummers were a rowdy traveling band of players who roamed the streets in costume performing plays, songs and generally doing as the Lord of Misrule bad them.
While mainly being restricted to the streets they would at times burst into churches and disrupt services and generally carouse around.
They would perform classic Mummer's plays and like carollers, would often perform in exchange for Christmas goodies.
When the Puritans under Oliver Cromwell came to power, they banned the Lord of Misrule and the Mummers.
Although the monarchy restored many of the Christmas traditions outlawed by Cromwell, the Lord of Misrule and the Mummers remained outlawed and never again enjoyed the freedom and popularity they had in medieval England.
IMMACULATE CONCEPTION
December 8TH has been observed as a Roman Catholic feast in commemoration of the Immaculate Conception since1854.
It was in that year that Pope Pius IX made an official declaration that the term "Immaculate Conception" refers to neither the conception of Jesus nor to a virgin birth.
Pope Pius IX further decreed the term "Immaculate Conception" refers to a specific doctrine of Roman Catholicism decreeing that the Virgin Mary was preserved free from original sin by divine grace from the moment of her conception.
Saturday 21 January 2017
A Jamboree Bag of Christmas # 1
CHRISTINGLE
Christingle has its origins in Eastern Europe and The Christingle Service is a Service of candle lights where very many years ago people gathered in the street, sang carols and collected gifts to help the less fortunate in the community.
It is a beautiful candle light service of hymns, carols, recitations and bible readings, but Christingle goes beyond a candle light service and it tells a story. A story is told with the symbolic use of the following items:
An orange representing the world.
A red ribbon tied around the orange to symbolize the blood of Jesus shed for his people.
Tooth picks decorated with dried fruits and sweets are placed at the four corners of the orange representing all the people of the world. A lighted candle in the centre of the orange represents the light of Christ to the world.
THE SPIRIT OF SCROOGE
Every year as a token of their gratitude the people of Norway present Britain with a 70 foot Christmas tree which stands in Trafalgar square.
However the tree has not always been received in the same spirit as it was given at times the discord has soured the season of goodwill.
In 1960 Westminster City Council wanted to charge the Norwegians for the electricity used to light the tree but thankfully Parliament intervened.
While In 1980 the very same council tried to stop the tradition altogether by refusing to accept the tree in an attempt to save the £5,000 cost.
Good sense again prevailed and now the costs are met by the Greater London Authority.
Other bureaucrats have tried to interfere and spoil Christmas this time from Brussels and they complained about the breaking of import restrictions.
The tree has also over the years suffered physical damage, on a number of occasions from high winds and on one occasion it was attacked with a chain saw by anti-war protestors.
In 1987 protesters actually chained themselves to the tree although I don’t know what their cause was.
BAVARIA
In the Roman Catholic areas of southern Germany, such as in Bavaria, Sankt Nikolaus still appears with a flowing beard and a bishop's staff.
In preparation of his arrival Houses are given a thorough clean and children shine their shoes or boots.
The children put a letter to St Nicholas along with carrots for his white horse in their shoes and these are left either by the children’s bed or on a window sill. During the night Sankt Nikolaus goes from house to house visiting the children and if they have been good, he fills, shoe or boot with delicious fruits, nuts and sweets but if they have been bad they may only find potatoes, coal, or twigs.
PICTURE WINDOW
The Germans love to decorate their homes at Christmas and one of the favourite forms of German decoration is for the window.
The decoration consists of a small wooden frames holding a picture made from coloured glass or plastic with an electric candle light behind it.
These lights look very beautiful when viewed from outside at night.
ADVENTSKRANZ
A popular German Christmas decoration is an Adventskranz which consists of a wreath of leaves with four candles.
Advent which means 'coming' is the 4 week period before Christmas and on each Sunday of Advent, another candle is lit.
DER WEIHNACHTSMANN
In Germany Der Weihnachtsmann or Father Christmas brings presents in the late afternoon on Christmas Eve after people return home from church they find the presents under the Christmas tree.
One person in the family will ring a bell and call everyone to come to the room.
THE SPECIAL CHILDREN'S SAINT
In Austria St. Nicholas is the special children's saint and he is honoured throughout Austria because It is said that God rewarded Nicholas for his generosity by allowing him to return to earth each year to bring gifts to all the good children.
THE NATIVITY SCENE
The nativity scene with the baby Jesus Christ laying in the manger surrounded by Mary, Joseph the shepherds and the wise men has long been a favourite Christmas decoration. It has been used for centuries to bring the story of Christmas alive.
It was Francis of Assisi who instituted the custom of the nativity scene after receiving permission from the pope.
Who was renowned for his love of animals, so at Christmas in 1224 he erected the first nativity scene in a cave outside the town of Greccio in Italy.
It did not resemble the type of scene you might see nowadays it was not a hand crafted nor mass-produced but a live scene.
Parishioners played the parts much as children do in the school nativity plays today.
People would gather to watch the spectacle and Francis stood in front of the manger reciting the appropriate gospel followed by a sermon.
BUSINESS CARD
The first Christmas card was printed in England in 1843, for a busy man called Sir Henry Cole.
Because he was such a busy man he wanted to save some of the time he had to spend on his Christmas correspondence.
However his motive was not merely to ease the burden of his letter writing he was also a tremendous advocate of the slowly expanding postal system.
Sir Henry Cole’s first commercial Christmas card sold 1000 copies at one shilling each.
But it was not until the 1860s that card production accelerated with the advent of cheaper printing methods.
Then in 1870 a half penny stamp for sending cards was introduced by the Post Office.
SANS DAY CAROL
The "Sans Day Carol," is a traditional carol from Cornwall.
The carol focuses on the aspects of the holly's symbolism in the form of the different coloured berries.
Red berries represent the blood of Jesus and white berries symbolize his purity.
Green berries represent the cross upon which Christ was crucified and black symbolize his death.
Christingle has its origins in Eastern Europe and The Christingle Service is a Service of candle lights where very many years ago people gathered in the street, sang carols and collected gifts to help the less fortunate in the community.
It is a beautiful candle light service of hymns, carols, recitations and bible readings, but Christingle goes beyond a candle light service and it tells a story. A story is told with the symbolic use of the following items:
An orange representing the world.
A red ribbon tied around the orange to symbolize the blood of Jesus shed for his people.
Tooth picks decorated with dried fruits and sweets are placed at the four corners of the orange representing all the people of the world. A lighted candle in the centre of the orange represents the light of Christ to the world.
THE SPIRIT OF SCROOGE
Every year as a token of their gratitude the people of Norway present Britain with a 70 foot Christmas tree which stands in Trafalgar square.
However the tree has not always been received in the same spirit as it was given at times the discord has soured the season of goodwill.
In 1960 Westminster City Council wanted to charge the Norwegians for the electricity used to light the tree but thankfully Parliament intervened.
While In 1980 the very same council tried to stop the tradition altogether by refusing to accept the tree in an attempt to save the £5,000 cost.
Good sense again prevailed and now the costs are met by the Greater London Authority.
Other bureaucrats have tried to interfere and spoil Christmas this time from Brussels and they complained about the breaking of import restrictions.
The tree has also over the years suffered physical damage, on a number of occasions from high winds and on one occasion it was attacked with a chain saw by anti-war protestors.
In 1987 protesters actually chained themselves to the tree although I don’t know what their cause was.
BAVARIA
In the Roman Catholic areas of southern Germany, such as in Bavaria, Sankt Nikolaus still appears with a flowing beard and a bishop's staff.
In preparation of his arrival Houses are given a thorough clean and children shine their shoes or boots.
The children put a letter to St Nicholas along with carrots for his white horse in their shoes and these are left either by the children’s bed or on a window sill. During the night Sankt Nikolaus goes from house to house visiting the children and if they have been good, he fills, shoe or boot with delicious fruits, nuts and sweets but if they have been bad they may only find potatoes, coal, or twigs.
PICTURE WINDOW
The Germans love to decorate their homes at Christmas and one of the favourite forms of German decoration is for the window.
The decoration consists of a small wooden frames holding a picture made from coloured glass or plastic with an electric candle light behind it.
These lights look very beautiful when viewed from outside at night.
ADVENTSKRANZ
A popular German Christmas decoration is an Adventskranz which consists of a wreath of leaves with four candles.
Advent which means 'coming' is the 4 week period before Christmas and on each Sunday of Advent, another candle is lit.
DER WEIHNACHTSMANN
In Germany Der Weihnachtsmann or Father Christmas brings presents in the late afternoon on Christmas Eve after people return home from church they find the presents under the Christmas tree.
One person in the family will ring a bell and call everyone to come to the room.
THE SPECIAL CHILDREN'S SAINT
In Austria St. Nicholas is the special children's saint and he is honoured throughout Austria because It is said that God rewarded Nicholas for his generosity by allowing him to return to earth each year to bring gifts to all the good children.
THE NATIVITY SCENE
The nativity scene with the baby Jesus Christ laying in the manger surrounded by Mary, Joseph the shepherds and the wise men has long been a favourite Christmas decoration. It has been used for centuries to bring the story of Christmas alive.
It was Francis of Assisi who instituted the custom of the nativity scene after receiving permission from the pope.
Who was renowned for his love of animals, so at Christmas in 1224 he erected the first nativity scene in a cave outside the town of Greccio in Italy.
It did not resemble the type of scene you might see nowadays it was not a hand crafted nor mass-produced but a live scene.
Parishioners played the parts much as children do in the school nativity plays today.
People would gather to watch the spectacle and Francis stood in front of the manger reciting the appropriate gospel followed by a sermon.
BUSINESS CARD
The first Christmas card was printed in England in 1843, for a busy man called Sir Henry Cole.
Because he was such a busy man he wanted to save some of the time he had to spend on his Christmas correspondence.
However his motive was not merely to ease the burden of his letter writing he was also a tremendous advocate of the slowly expanding postal system.
Sir Henry Cole’s first commercial Christmas card sold 1000 copies at one shilling each.
But it was not until the 1860s that card production accelerated with the advent of cheaper printing methods.
Then in 1870 a half penny stamp for sending cards was introduced by the Post Office.
SANS DAY CAROL
The "Sans Day Carol," is a traditional carol from Cornwall.
The carol focuses on the aspects of the holly's symbolism in the form of the different coloured berries.
Red berries represent the blood of Jesus and white berries symbolize his purity.
Green berries represent the cross upon which Christ was crucified and black symbolize his death.
Monday 19 December 2016
The Silver Tinsel Tree
Being born in the late fifties I have few recollections of that austere decade, almost all of my earliest memories are from the brasher, brighter and less restrained sixties.
As a result my early memories of Christmas are of a bright and sparkly time when paper chains and the watery colours of paper stars, bells and balls were being replaced by foil and tinsel.
Hence the Silver Tinsel Christmas Tree, looking back it was a quite unspectacular specimen of a tree compared to what’s on offer nowadays, but we loved it.
It stood less than 5 feet tall with its fold down tinsel covered wire branches tipped with red beads to symbolise berries.
However by the time Dad had worked his not inconsiderable magic and covered it with every size, shape and shade of bauble, glass birds with feathered tails, lantern lights, strands of brightly coloured tinsel, chocolate treats and tiny crackers lain on the branches it was transformed and was absolutely stunning,
It was the only tree I ever knew until my teenage years came to an end when in the mid-seventies I suggested we have a real tree just for a change.
I would never have suggested it if I had realised that it would signal the death knell of the Silver Tinsel Tree as the following year it was replaced by a green plastic tree more akin to those of today.
After my Dad died a few years later the task of decorating the tree fell to me I realised sadly that I hadn’t inherited his tree dressing skill and was never able to equal him.
I came close one year, in 1983 but I think in the end I merely flattered to deceive, the task has fallen to my wife for the past 24 years, she makes a far better fist of it then I ever could.
Whether she possesses the necessary skill to transform a Silver Tinsel Tree however we will never know.
As a result my early memories of Christmas are of a bright and sparkly time when paper chains and the watery colours of paper stars, bells and balls were being replaced by foil and tinsel.
Hence the Silver Tinsel Christmas Tree, looking back it was a quite unspectacular specimen of a tree compared to what’s on offer nowadays, but we loved it.
It stood less than 5 feet tall with its fold down tinsel covered wire branches tipped with red beads to symbolise berries.
However by the time Dad had worked his not inconsiderable magic and covered it with every size, shape and shade of bauble, glass birds with feathered tails, lantern lights, strands of brightly coloured tinsel, chocolate treats and tiny crackers lain on the branches it was transformed and was absolutely stunning,
It was the only tree I ever knew until my teenage years came to an end when in the mid-seventies I suggested we have a real tree just for a change.
I would never have suggested it if I had realised that it would signal the death knell of the Silver Tinsel Tree as the following year it was replaced by a green plastic tree more akin to those of today.
After my Dad died a few years later the task of decorating the tree fell to me I realised sadly that I hadn’t inherited his tree dressing skill and was never able to equal him.
I came close one year, in 1983 but I think in the end I merely flattered to deceive, the task has fallen to my wife for the past 24 years, she makes a far better fist of it then I ever could.
Whether she possesses the necessary skill to transform a Silver Tinsel Tree however we will never know.
Friday 2 December 2016
The First Works Christmas Party
I left school when I was fifteen which was in the early seventies.
I was living in Stevenage, with my parents in a warden run block of sheltered accommodation for the elderly, my mother was the warden.
I attended the School nearby which I left in the May and I started my first three days later.
However In the November of that same year the family moved from one side of town to the other, the significance of this will become clear later in the story.
The house move didn’t affect my getting to and from work as the town had a good bus service, operating a flat fare service on circular routes.
So I still got the same bus as I did from the old address but from a different stop but the price was the same.
This also will prove significant later on.
As I said this was my first year at work and I had my first Christmas party to look forward to.
It was on the last day before we broke for the Christmas holiday and we had a little works party in the yard where a little Christmas cheer was imbibed and a drink or two were consumed.
Now I was only sixteen and I had only had very limited experience of alcohol and I got well and truly bladdered on whisky Mac, cider and something unpronounceable from Yugoslavia.
At the end of the afternoon one of my workmates gave me a lift into the town centre and from there I caught my usual bus.
In my drunken state I managed to climb the stairs to the top deck and the bus set off filled with Christmas shoppers and a drunken trainee grounds man.
I must have drifted off on the journey and I suddenly came to and looking out the window recognized a familiar site and I promptly got off the bus.
I headed off up the road in the direction of home wishing all and sundries a merry Christmas as I went.
I entered through the main doors to the flats and passed the Christmas tree in the foyer and headed straight for flat number one.
At the door I fumbled for my key and presented it to the lock, it wouldn’t fit.
I peered closely at it and it was definitely my door key so I tried to put it in the lock again, still it wouldn’t fit.
Suddenly the door opened and a stranger looked out at me
“Can I help?” she asked.
“Ah my name is Paul and I don’t live here anymore do I?”
The lady, who was the new warden, laughed and agreed with me that I no longer lived there.
So I wished her a happy Christmas and made my way back to the foyer were there was a public telephone with a large Perspex dome over it.
My intention was to phone for a taxi but rummaging in my pockets I discovered I had no money for the taxi or indeed a coin to make a phone call.
Then as I tried to duck under the Perspex hood I tripped over my own feet and fell into the Christmas tree which ended up on top of me.
The lady who now lived at no 1 heard the commotion and came to investigate and to my surprise thought it very amusing to find a drunken teenager wearing the Christmas tree.
“Oh dear” she said laughing.
Deeply apologetic I explained the circumstances of my predicament and the new warden phoned a taxi for me and even gave me the money for the fare.
That was real Christmas spirit and I have never forgotten her kindness and tolerance and try to keep that same spirit in my own heart at Christmas.
I was living in Stevenage, with my parents in a warden run block of sheltered accommodation for the elderly, my mother was the warden.
I attended the School nearby which I left in the May and I started my first three days later.
However In the November of that same year the family moved from one side of town to the other, the significance of this will become clear later in the story.
The house move didn’t affect my getting to and from work as the town had a good bus service, operating a flat fare service on circular routes.
So I still got the same bus as I did from the old address but from a different stop but the price was the same.
This also will prove significant later on.
As I said this was my first year at work and I had my first Christmas party to look forward to.
It was on the last day before we broke for the Christmas holiday and we had a little works party in the yard where a little Christmas cheer was imbibed and a drink or two were consumed.
Now I was only sixteen and I had only had very limited experience of alcohol and I got well and truly bladdered on whisky Mac, cider and something unpronounceable from Yugoslavia.
At the end of the afternoon one of my workmates gave me a lift into the town centre and from there I caught my usual bus.
In my drunken state I managed to climb the stairs to the top deck and the bus set off filled with Christmas shoppers and a drunken trainee grounds man.
I must have drifted off on the journey and I suddenly came to and looking out the window recognized a familiar site and I promptly got off the bus.
I headed off up the road in the direction of home wishing all and sundries a merry Christmas as I went.
I entered through the main doors to the flats and passed the Christmas tree in the foyer and headed straight for flat number one.
At the door I fumbled for my key and presented it to the lock, it wouldn’t fit.
I peered closely at it and it was definitely my door key so I tried to put it in the lock again, still it wouldn’t fit.
Suddenly the door opened and a stranger looked out at me
“Can I help?” she asked.
“Ah my name is Paul and I don’t live here anymore do I?”
The lady, who was the new warden, laughed and agreed with me that I no longer lived there.
So I wished her a happy Christmas and made my way back to the foyer were there was a public telephone with a large Perspex dome over it.
My intention was to phone for a taxi but rummaging in my pockets I discovered I had no money for the taxi or indeed a coin to make a phone call.
Then as I tried to duck under the Perspex hood I tripped over my own feet and fell into the Christmas tree which ended up on top of me.
The lady who now lived at no 1 heard the commotion and came to investigate and to my surprise thought it very amusing to find a drunken teenager wearing the Christmas tree.
“Oh dear” she said laughing.
Deeply apologetic I explained the circumstances of my predicament and the new warden phoned a taxi for me and even gave me the money for the fare.
That was real Christmas spirit and I have never forgotten her kindness and tolerance and try to keep that same spirit in my own heart at Christmas.
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