GET OUT OF THE BLOODY ROAD

 

Santa Claus crossed the road

To get to the other side

“Get out of the bloody road”

The drunken driver cried

But the red suited man

Was the victim of Santacide

RED SUIT

 

Santa Claus wears his famous red suit

As down another Chimney he’ll shoot

But no one knows what’s under there

He likes dressing in Ladies underwear

THE SAINT AND THE BUTCHER

 

The saint and the butcher is a popular St Nicholas tale in northern France which is told every year before St Nicholas day.

The Tale tells of three children who wandered away from their village and got lost. They continued on their way until Cold and hungry they came to an unfamiliar village.

They were discovered by a wicked butcher who lured them into his shop with the promise of food and warmth.

Once inside his shop he attacked the three children and he salted them away in a large tub.

They children would have been lost forever but for the intervention of St Nicholas who rescued the children and returned them safely to their families.

From that day forward St. Nicolas has been regarded in France as the protector of children.

The evil butcher became Père Fouettard who forever follows St Nicholas with switches in hand to threaten children and it’s the evil butcher who leaves any naughty children with a bundle of birch twigs. 

On the eve of St Nicholas day, the children put their shoes near the chimney and sing a song to the Saint before going to bed.

The next morning the shoes overflow with special Saint Nicolas sweets, chocolates and cookies.

Even the best of children will find by their shoes some birch twigs tied with a ribbon as every child does something naughty in the year.

THE LEGEND OF ST NICHOLAS THE RED SUITED SANTA Part three – The Literal St Nicholas

 

After the demise of the puritans in Europe and America the St Nicholas legend went from strength to strength.

He has over recent centuries become known by different names for example in Holland he is known as Sinter Klaas and when the Dutch arrived in New York or New Amsterdam as it was then the red suited Sinter Klaas arrived with them but the name has since become Americanized into Santa Claus.

 

The first time the Name Santa Claus appeared in print was in 1773 but the first description of the most traditional image of Santa Claus was by popular author Washington Irving In his History of New York, published in 1809.

 

But he was finally immortalized along with his eight reindeer in 1823 in the poem “A Visit from Saint Nicholas” more commonly known to all of us as “The Night Before Christmas” written by Clement Clarke Moore an Episcopal minister.

Moore, who wrote the poem for his three daughters, depicted Santa Claus as a "right jolly old elf" with a supernatural ability to ascend up a chimney with a simple nod of his head.

 

The familiar round jolly white bearded image of Santa Claus was definitively illustrated by the political cartoonist Thomas Nast for Christmas issues of Harper's Weekly magazine in 1881.

It was Nast who revealed the details of Santa's workshop at the North Pole and alerted the world to the existence of what have become known as the naughty and nice lists.

 

Haddon Sundblom further reinforced Santa’s image when, in 1931, he drew a representation of the jolly red faced Saint for the Coca-Cola Company as part of their advertising campaign which was so successful that he has been used every year since.

 

Through literary references and descriptions of Christmas the legend of St Nicholas spread and became ingrained in all of us and Along the way the legend of the gift giver became intertwined with other country’s myths and folk lore figures and St Nicholas became known by a wide variety of names.

As well as Santa Claus or Sinter Klaas he is named Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Père Noël, der Weinachtsmann and Papa Noel to name but a few.

 

So I can say to you all with hand on heart to young and old wherever you might live there is most definitely a Santa Claus.

 

SATAN RULES KO

 

If you’re a worshiper of Satan

And you suffer from Dyslexia

Take care before you commit

You may sell your soul to Santa

SANTA CLAUS IS A VERY JOLLY CHAP

 

Santa Claus is a very jolly chap

And not just because he’s festive

His jollity stems from knowledge

Of where the naughty girls live

THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE GOT BORED

 

The Bermuda Triangle got bored

Of warm weather over the years

So it relocated to Lapland and now 

Santa Claus has disappeared

Christmas 2015 # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”

THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS

To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas

WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY

We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee

GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF

Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register

SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN

So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited

MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS

My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do

Christmas 2015 # 8

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?

Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS

Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"

RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER

Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farce
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?

Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS

The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN

When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN

If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking

RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS

Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like

ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low

Christmas 2015 # 7

ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?

Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer

THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH

There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles

HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE

He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night

I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING

I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN

When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws

THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE

The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho

SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS

Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear

THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;

This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness

ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes

Christmas 2015 # 6

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?

Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole

I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS

I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

ABANDONING THE NATIVITY

It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby

SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING

It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332

Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again

THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS

They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones

IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES

It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents

MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth

Christmas 2015 # 5

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?

Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get

A BLONDE GIFT

Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit

DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY

During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES

I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer

EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS

Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit

SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are

SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL

Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO

The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus

Christmas 2015 # 3

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia

ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?

Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?

I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM

I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint

DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY

Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas

THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed

WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart

Christmas 2015 # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?

I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY

I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang

A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR

A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED

Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh

I EAT EVERYTHING

I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings

Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”

Christmas 2015 # 2

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney

ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace

So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?

Christmas 2016 # 1

WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet

I REMEMBER THE TIME

I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause

FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE

Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year

I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!

REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT

Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it

IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY

In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you

CHRISTMAS PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents

FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON

For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve

A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1

That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays

WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS

When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow

Christmas 2015 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?

Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise

BAD SANTA # 1

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1

Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek

ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?

Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer

FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY

Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true

A Question Of Pooh

Its Christmas time again, as if anyone could fail to notice.
Even without leaving my house I can see more than half a dozen house decorated to the hilt.
Every coloured light imaginable, Santa’s on the roof or climbing a ladder, sleighs, elves, snowmen, bells, stars baubles and last but by no means least standing almost four feet high that perennial favourite Winnie the Pooh.
Wait a minute though you might well be saying what does Pooh have to do with Christmas? Well every other house seems to have one so there must be something in it.
I don’t recall mention of him in the bible and in the many nativity plays I have seen over the years he was conspicuous by his absence and although there is a donkey it’s not Eeyore.
The stable did not house Piglet and the wise men did not travel from the east with Tigger baring gifts of Huney.
Nor in any of the Christmas traditions around the world is there a single reference to Pooh as one of Santa’s helpers.
There’s Black Peter, The Jolly Elf even the devil figure Krampus but no Pooh but people still give him pride of place on their lawns at Christmas.
Go figure.

Christmas Stocking Fillers # 4

HAPPY STRESSLESS

A good friend of mine
Does his Christmas shopping
In less than two hours
With decs for party popping
And Gifts for twenty five
Friends and family
All on Christmas Eve
Including a six foot tree

FESTIVE FACT # 01

In 1979 the Christingle Service was for the first time introduced into
Barbados at the St Ambrose Church.

THE SLAVA CANDLE

After the Krsna Slava ceremony In Serbia & Montenegro the Slava candle is never blown out.
It has to be extinguished with wine from a glass and then the glass is passed around for each member of the family to take a sip.
This symbolizes the constancy and unity of the family within the orthodox faith.

THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS

In many cities around the world On Christmas Day and Boxing Day the destitute and homeless served a festive meal by teams of volunteers who give up their time and sacrifice their own Christmas festivities to help those less fortunate than themselves.

KRAMPUS

In Austria, Krampus, a strange and frightening devil like creature accompanies St. Nicholas on his travels.
Krampus, the devil figure is in chains and is dressed in fur with a scary mask with a long red tongue.
He carries a wooden stick to threaten naughty children who misbehave but St. Nicholas never lets the creature hurt anyone.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER - ONE SPECIAL NIGHT

Made in 1999 One Special Night is the story of local builder Robert (James Garner) who after visiting his ailing wife in a nursing home becomes stranded when an intense snow storm hits the area.
Katherine (Julie Andrews) whose husband was a patient at the nursing home before his death and had also been visiting offered Robert a lift back to town in her sports car.
The journey was not the most congenial ever and got worse when they went off the road and got stuck.
As a result they end up walking until they come to an empty cabin in the woods where they talk shelter and after some food and conversation they begin to bond.
But on their return to civilization the relationship struggles to get off the ground.
But love will out.

CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT

Since the advent of Cable and Satellite Every Christmas is the same. It used to be bad enough in the old days when there were only three channels to fill but now we allegedly have more choice the terrestrial channels don’t even try to offer anything that we might consider to be acceptable.
Take this Christmas just gone, it doesn’t have to be the latest every one is the same now, but we will stick with this latest offerings as they are freshest in the memory.
They really pulled the stops out and so packed was the schedule that they couldn’t even squeeze in the Great Escape.
Unfortunately all five channels were packed with a mixture of repeats and things which should never be seen again.
Tom Browns schooldays gave the impression it might brighten an otherwise dull selection only to disappoint.
However the choice plum of the holiday season has to be Uncle Adolph, what were they thinking, at one point good old incestuous Uncle Adolph was sat knocking out a tune on the piano to impress his niece when I thought he was going to burst into a chorus of “Springtime for Hitler” the play couldn’t have been anymore ludicrous if he had.
Thankfully the smug and inanely grinning Miss Marple has been returned to the asylum from whence she came (hopefully never to be released again) and the writers have returned to writing daytime soaps for the Outer Mongolia broadcasting corporation.
Still it won’t be long before we’re doing it all again so better get the sprouts on

ST LUCIA OF SYRACUSE

Lucia was born to a noble and prosperous family in Syracuse on the island of Sicily.
It was in the days of Diocletian and his persecution of Christian’s that Lucia carried food and drink to Christians hiding in dark underground tunnels.
In order To light her way she wore a wreath of candles on her head.
Lucia’s father was long dead and her ailing widowed mother, Eutychia, planned to marry the beautiful young Lucia to a pagan bachelor.
Lucia however had no interest in marriage and spurned the suggestion of marriage and told her mother she had no want of worldly goods and she had vowed to remain a virgin in the tradition of St. Agatha, at whose tomb she regularly prayed for help and for three years she managed to keep the marriage on hold.
To change her mother Eutychia's mind about the girl's new faith, Lucy prayed long at the tomb of St Agatha.
Miraculously her mother's long hemorrhagic illness was cured and to show her gratitude to her devout daughter the grateful mother was ready to exceed to Lucia’s wish to give herself to prayer and poverty and commit her life to god.
The young pagan suitor, Paschasius, was less understanding and was so angry that he denounced her as a Christian to the Roman authorities.
In keeping with the Emperor Diocletian’s edict to eradicate Christianity the Roman governor sentenced her to be taken to a brothel and forced into prostitution.
The Romans were thwarted in their efforts after divine intervention as Lucia became rooted to the spot and was thus immovable and the Romans could not carry her away even when they hitched her to a team of oxen.
Not to be diverted after they tortured her and tore her eyes out the Romans next condemned her to death by fire, she was surrounded by bundles of wood which were set afirebut after another divine intervention she proved impervious to the flames.
In the end a roman soldier pierced her neck with a sword and she died.
Miraculously her eyesight was restored before her death which is why she is the patron saint of the blind.

IT HAPPENED ON DECEMBER 6TH

963 Leo VIII elected Pope
1196 Northern Dutch coast flooded in the "Saint-Nicolaas Flood"
1240 The Mongols under Batu Khan occupied and destroy Kiev
1424 Don Alfonso V of Aragon grants Barcelona the right to exclude Jews
1491 King Charles VIII of France marries Anna of Bretagne
1492 the island of Haiti is discovered by Christopher Columbus
1648 Thomas Pride prevents 96 Presbyterians from sitting in the English parliament
1745 Bonnie Prince Charlie’s army retreats to Scotland
1756 British troops under Robert Clive occupy Fulta India
1768 1st edition of "Encyclopedia Britannica" is published in Scotland
1820 US president James Monroe re-elected
1833 HMS Beagle with Charles Darwin aboard departs Rio de la Plata
1849 Harriet Tubman escapes from slavery in Maryland
1862 President Lincoln orders the hanging of 39 Santee Sioux Indians
1865 13th Amendment is ratified, abolishing slavery
1873 1st international football game in the USA Yale 2, Eton 1
1876 1st crematorium in the USA begins operation, Washington, Penn
1877 1st sound recording made by Thomas Edison
1877 Washington Post publishes its 1st edition
1907 Coal mine explosions in Monongah, WV, kills 361
1912 China votes for universal human rights
1914 German troops over run Lodz
1917 Finland declares independence from Russia
1917 French munitions ship "Mont Blanc" explodes in Halifax killing 1,700
1921 Anglo-Irish Treaty signed giving Ireland dominion status and partition creates Northern Ireland
1940 Gestapo arrest German resistance fighter the poster artist Helen Ernst
1941 Dutch and British pilots see Japanese invasion fleet at Singapore
1956 Nelson Mandela and 156 others are arrested for political activities in South Africa
1963 Beatles begin a tradition of releasing a Christmas record for fans
1966 Polio vaccination becomes obligatory in Belgium
1973 Gerald Ford sworn-in as 1st unelected VP, succeeding Spiro T Agnew
1989 Worst Canadian mass murder when Marc Lepine kills 14 women at Montreal university
1990 Shoeless Joe Jackson's signature is sold for $23,100
1992 300,000 Hindus attack and destroy the mosque of Babri India, 4 die
1994 Maltese Falcon auctioned for $398,590

TRIVIAL TITBIT # 04

In England in 1644 the observance of Christmas was forbidden by an act of Parliament.

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 4

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my fourth selection.

“SLEIGH RIDE” sung by THE RONNETTES

Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-ing
Ring ting tingle-ing too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you

Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling "You Hoo"
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you

Giddy-yap giddy-yap giddy-yap
let's go
Let's look at the snow
We're riding in a wonderland of snow

Giddy-yap giddy-yap giddy-yap it's grand
Just holding your hand
We're gliding along with the song
Of a wintry fairy land

Our cheeks are nice and rosy
And comfy cozy are we
We're snuggled up together like two
Birds of a feather would be

Let's take the road before us
And sing a chorus or two
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you

There's a birthday party at the home of Farmer Gray
It'll be the perfect ending of a perfect day
We'll be singing the songs we love to sing without a single stop
At the fireplace while we watch the chestnuts pop
Pop! Pop! Pop!

There's a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy
When they pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie
It'll nearly be like a picture print by Currier and Ives
These wonderful things are the things
We remember all through our lives

SEASONAL SNIPPET # 03

On St. Nicholas' Day, during the middle ages, a 'Boy Bishop' was elected, and he exercised a blasphemous Episcopal jurisdiction by parodying ecclesiastical functions and ceremonies.

TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS PUNCH RECIPE

Ingredients:
2 pints of water
8oz sugar
Half a bottle of rum
Half a bottle port
The juice and rind of 3 lemons
1 sliced apple
1 sliced orange
Grated nutmeg
Instructions:
Add the sugar and lemon rind to the water in a saucepan and boil. Remove from the heat and when cool strain before adding the rum, port and lemon juice.
Decant into large a pre-warmed punch bowl and float the sliced apple and orange on the top and finally sprinkle with nutmeg.

IT’S CHRISTMAS

People have been discovering
On a Christmas Morning
That the curse of Christmas
That’s causing the most fuss
Has been unanimously concluded
To be “Batteries not included”

CROMWELLIAN

The lord protector Oliver Cromwell
Killed thousands, the truth to tell
Beheaded the king and closed hostelries
And he cancelled the Christmas festivities

CHRISTMAS FARE

There has never been a good time to be poor
Certainly not Christmas
As Dickens wrote
“This time when want is keenly felt by the poor”
And there has never been a good place to be poor
Certainly not Victorian London
Now a wealthy Victorian family
Would dine upon a Christmas dinner
Of Vegetable soup
Oyster patties,
Roast turkey or goose,
Boiled leg of mutton with caper sauce
Followed by Port wine jelly,
Mince pies and plum pudding
Queen Victoria is known to have eaten roast swan
While in the country
A piece of Smoked bacon
Or rabbit pie was had
The poor in town or country
Dined upon whatever could be found

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 4

JOY TO THE WORLD
Words by Isaac Watts and Music by Lowell Mason

Joy to the world, the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the world, the Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ;
While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

IT HAPPENED ONE CHRISTMAS

Sometimes when you least expect it life can really slap you in the face and then it kicks you when you’re on the ground.
The slap came when Jackie Melville was taken ill in January last year and needed surgery.
Her husband Bob had a steady job and they even had limited medical insurance and although they had to pay the difference Bob knew he could cover it by putting in some overtime.
Then came the first kick, in February with two thousand dollars in medical bills unpaid, Bob lost his job.
In April Another kick, with the medical bills still unpaid and Bob unemployed and Jackie unable to work for several months because of the surgery and with mounting bills and no money for rent they lost the house.
Bob, Jackie, 9 year old son Sam and seven year old twins Ben and Josh moved into a mobile home in a trailer park.
Over The following seven months the Melville's worked hard to rebuild their lives.
In June Bob found another job and although not as well paid as the one he lost it seemed to be more secure and In July Jackie fully recovered was able to return to work herself.
The boys did their bit as well by washing cars, cleaning windows and doing odd jobs on the park.
By December they had managed to pay off their debts and even had a bit left over for Christmas.
They were doing so well that in another six months they would be able to move back into a house.
Then on the 20th December life kicked them again.
During the night the electric heater in the mobile home burst into flames and rapidly spread.
The alarm was raised by Clinton Avery, a shift worker and one of the other residents of the park who was returning home when he saw the burning trailer.
Thankfully everyone was rescued safely but the Melville's lost everything all that remained after fireman Billy Daly had doused the fire were a few scraps of melted toys half-burned books and scorched and tattered clothing.
They had lost everything to fire, smoke and water, including all the children’s clothes and the Christmas presents.
How cruel for a family who had worked so hard to get back on their feet to be dealt such a blow.
This would be bad enough at any time but just before Christmas compounded the cruelty.
But it is under the very circumstances experienced by the Melville's that brings the best out in people.
That night the family were boarded in various homes on the park and the next day they had a visit from a man called Howard Daly.
Howard was the brother Billy Daly, one of the firemen, and he gave Bob and Jackie the key to a mobile home on the park belonging to him which he wasn't using and he said that they were welcome to stay as long as it took to get back on their feet.
The Melville's were overcome with Howard's generosity but that was only the beginning in the space of a day-and-a-half, friends, family and strangers helped the family get back on track.
The pharmacist at the drugstore refused to accept Jackie's money for the twin's asthma medication.
In fact nobody would accept any money and people just kept on donating goods.
One man, he wouldn't give his name, pulled up at the trailer park in his pickup, unloaded some bunk beds and he said "I had these at home, and I heard you needed them more than me," got back in his truck and left.
Pat Phillips who was a teacher at the local School, and knew the family drove Jackie from place to place to collect medications, clothes, dishes and such like.
Come Christmas day the boys had some toys including a race track, a football and a baseball glove.
Due to The generosity of friends and strangers alike the Melville's were able to enjoy their Christmas and look forward to hopeful New Year just five days after they thought their Christmas dreams had burned away.
This story goes to prove without any shadow of doubt that the Christmas spirit truly dwells within the hearts of mankind.

ON CHRISTMAS DAY 1100

Boudouin I of Boulogne was crowned king of Jerusalem

SHOP EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS

It was Christmas Eve at the magistrate’s court
And the Magistrate was in charitable mood
And in keeping with the season
Was inclined to show a little latitude
"Now then, what is the charge against you?"
He asked the unfortunate prisoner
The man in the dock replied
"I was caught Christmas shopping very early sir"
"That doesn't seem like an offence to me.
What do you mean by “very early” man”?
"Well, your Honour." said the defendant,
"It was an hour before the shop was open."

A TIME TO REMEMBER

It was an unforgettable morning
After the winter sun reluctantly rose
And the new dawn broke gently
To light the frosted landscape
And heralding the holy morn
Bathing cosy homes with light
Awaking children from their repose
As grown-ups wipe sleep away
Or tiredly yield to a yawn
And so the day has begun
Joyful yells and screams ensue
As gifts are opened frantically
Wrappings scattered here and there
It was an unforgettable morning
Though soon enough it became forgot
And as the day progresses
The latest must haves cast aside
Attention turns to the Christmas feast
When eyes are bigger than bellies
And indigestion comes on all
How different to the first morn
When in a strange and distant land
Lit by a star of brightest hue
And sheltered in a humble stable
God lay in human baby form
Watched over by lowly beasts
And shepherds stood in reverent pose
Three travellers from the east
Offered gifts to God made man
So as you enjoy your seasonal repast
Take time and spare a thought
Raise your hearts and a grateful glass
And remember the saviour’s birth

SEASONAL GREETINGS FROM AFRICA AND THE MIDDLE EAST

Arabic
Idah Saidan WA Sanah Jadidah
Afrikaans
GeSëende Kersfees
Een Plesierige Kerfees
African (Eritrea, Tigrinja)
Rehus-Beal-Ledeats
African (Kwa, Yoruba)
E ku odun, e ku iye'dun
African (Chadic, Hausa)
Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara
Hebrew
Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Iran (Farsi)
Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Iraq
Idah Saidan WA Sanah Jadidah

CHRISTMAS VILLAGES

In North America there is a long standing tradition of placing little villages of little houses at the foot of the Christmas trees.
The origins of the practise are unclear although the general consensus appears to be that Christmas villages began as over-elaborate additions to a tradition Nativity scene.
This practice was probably taken to North America by the Moravians who emigrated from Germany to the United States in 1741, and established the town of Bethlehem in Pennsylvania.
The Moravian tradition involves adding to the Nativity dozens, sometimes more, of handmade figures, houses, waterfalls, bridges, churches creating a winter wonderland.
Then in the early 20th century Sets of small buildings began to be commercially produced.

TREE SKIRTS

Christmas tree skirts or Rugs for the base of the Christmas tree have become an indispensable addition to the 21st century festive decor but originally they had a much more practical use and were meant to protect floors or carpets against the dripping of candle wax.
The first commercial tree skirts or rugs depicted Santa Claus driving a sleigh drawn by his eight reindeer.

CHRISTINGLE

Christingle has its origins in Eastern Europe and The Christingle Service is a Service of candle lights where very many years ago people gathered in the street, sang carols and collected gifts to help the less fortunate in the community.
It is a beautiful candle light service of hymns, carols, recitations and bible readings, but Christingle goes beyond a candle light service and it tells a story.
A story is told with the symbolic use of the following items:
An orange representing the world.
A red ribbon tied around the orange to symbolize the blood of Jesus shed for
his people.
Tooth picks decorated with dried fruits and sweets are placed at the
four corners of the orange representing all the people of the world.
A lighted candle in the centre of the orange represents the light of
Christ to the world.