Christmas 2015 # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”

THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS

To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas

WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY

We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee

GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF

Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register

SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN

So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited

MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS

My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do

Christmas 2015 # 8

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?

Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS

Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"

RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER

Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farce
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?

Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS

The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN

When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN

If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking

RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS

Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like

ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low

Christmas 2015 # 7

ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?

Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer

THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH

There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles

HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE

He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night

I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING

I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN

When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws

THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE

The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho

SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS

Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear

THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;

This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness

ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes

Christmas 2015 # 6

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?

Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole

I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS

I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

ABANDONING THE NATIVITY

It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby

SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING

It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332

Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again

THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS

They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones

IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES

It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents

MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth

Christmas 2015 # 5

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?

Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get

A BLONDE GIFT

Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit

DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY

During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES

I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer

EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS

Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit

SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are

SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL

Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO

The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus

Christmas 2015 # 3

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia

ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?

Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?

I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM

I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint

DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY

Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas

THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed

WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart

Christmas 2015 # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?

I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY

I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang

A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR

A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED

Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh

I EAT EVERYTHING

I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings

Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”

Christmas 2015 # 2

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney

ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace

So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?

Christmas 2016 # 1

WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet

I REMEMBER THE TIME

I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause

FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE

Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year

I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!

REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT

Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it

IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY

In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you

CHRISTMAS PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents

FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON

For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve

A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1

That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays

WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS

When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow

Christmas 2015 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?

Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise

BAD SANTA # 1

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1

Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek

ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?

Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer

FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY

Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true

Christmas Poem Selection # 25

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 8

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well there’s no evidence yet
But ask yourself if a man
Would choose to wear red velvet

I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM

I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint

FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY

Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale

EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS

Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit

SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are

SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL

Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING

I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF

Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register

IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES

It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents

MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth

WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN

When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws

SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS

Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear

THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;

This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness

Christmas Poem Selection # 24

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 7

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well surely it’s self-evident
It takes a great deal of effort
To achieve the necessary merriment
And no man is capable
Of that level of commitment

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings

A BLONDE GIFT

Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit

DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY

During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES

I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Xmas stockings?
With a holly wreath motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each leaf
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the Christmas gift
Beyond the holly wreath motif

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY

Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas

THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed

WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart

WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY

We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn

I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY

I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang

A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR

A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss

Christmas Poem Selection # 23

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 6

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well would that be so shocking
I mean if it were left to a man
And I don’t mean to be mocking
But are really more interested
In a very different stocking

ARE YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing any clothes?
My little Christmas elf
You’re supposed to dress the tree!
Not undress yourself

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in Xmas paper

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed

CHRISTMAS BOX

A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”

We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry

SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS

Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!

MINCE PIES FULL

Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason

MERRY BELLS

Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season

REINDEER TURN

Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”

IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie

ARCTIC EDUCATION

At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught

CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)

Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal

BREAKFAST TIME COMES

Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes

IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT

If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus

LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY

Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get

Christmas Poem Selection # 22

CHRISTMAS PUDDING

Christmas pudding
Boiling in the pot
Rich steamed pudding
Hissing in the pot
Christmas pudding
Singing in the pot
Turn the pudding out
Its steaming hot

OH MY DEAR MRS. CHRISTMAS

Oh my dear Mrs. Christmas
You fill me with cheer
When I see you dressed
In all your Christmas gear

You look so tinsellicious
In the red velvet dress
With stockings to match
And I would like to stress

That I am looking forward
To seeing the silk underwear
And let’s not forget about
The little bit of white fur

I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN

I built the perfect snowman
Well a snow-woman actually
She was a little disproportionate
But she was perfect to me
She was a little cold
But we could’ve been happy

I wrapped her in a blanked
And took her to my bed
In the morning I was hoping,
Though nothing was said
That we would make love
But I woke alone instead
And to make matters worst
One of us had wet the bed

MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME

I mustn’t leave my shopping,
My wife has made it clear to me,
Until late on Christmas Eve
For my Christmas won’t be merry
If all she gets is cheap perfume
And more slutty lingerie

MITHRAS

Mithras was a pagan faith
Older than we can remember
And the festival was held
Towards the end of December

Thank God it’s been replaced
By the festival of Christmas
Otherwise we’d have to wish
Everyone a merry Mithras

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS DRAWERS?

Are you wearing Christmas drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
Well that really is shocking
You’re supposed to hang a stocking

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
How ridiculous, no way
They can’t parallel park a car
How would they cope with a sleigh?

THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS

The magic of Christmas
Is the Christmas cheer
What a shame it can’t last
Throughout the year

BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN

Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!

CHRISTMAS BELLS

Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1

For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility

Christmas Poem Selection # 21

THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS TIME

The magic of Christmas time
Is all the good will it brings
But sadly it gets packed away
With the other Christmas things

CHRISTMAS TIP

If you want next Christmas
To be happy and merry
Then insure the Christmas card
You send to your sister Kerry
Has sufficient postage
And arrives before January

REMEMBER DECEMBER

The chilly month of December
Is the time for us to remember
In the run up to Christmas
Those who went before us
Loved ones and dear friends
Whose influence still wends
Shaping the form and style
Their memories making us smile
We remember the traditions
As they shared our celebrations

PUT A COIN IN THE BUCKET

Put a coin in the bucket
It doesn’t have to be big
Just a small token
That you won’t even miss

Put a coin in the bucket
Just drop it in
Or maybe a few
It’s good for your heart

Put a coin in the bucket
And shine a light
Into the darkest corner
Of a strangers life

Put a coin in the bucket
It’s nothing to you
But a bucket full of nothings
Will do a lot of good

I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK

I wish you Good luck
I wish you Good cheer
I wish you Good health
For the coming year

I wish you Good times,
I wish you great days
But I will never ever
Wish you happy holidays

AS WE APPROACH ANOTHER YULE

As we approach another Yule
Its time I went off on the pull
Looking for a Christmas honey
Someone attractive and funny
And if I manage to attract her
I will pull a Christmas cracker

WE COULD HAVE

We could have raised a glass
With all the usual crowd
We could have gone to mums
And spent Christmas in Stroud

We could have jetted off
For sand and sea and sun
We could’ve gone to my bro’s
Were they have “lots of fun”

We could have stayed at home
And just had “a quiet one”
Laughing at the annual
Morecambe and Wise rerun

But we decided to avoid this year
The usual helter skelter
And help cook Christmas dinner
At the homeless shelter

THE CHURCH BELLS RING OUT

The church bells ring out
The Christmas chimes
The congregation sings out
The Christmas rhymes
So lift up your hearts
And join the joyous throng
And sing heartily to the lord
A joyous Christmas song

MAY THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON

May this Christmas season
Be overflowing with Christmas spirit
Enough to banish all the Grinch’s
And the Ebenezer Scrooges
And make it a very merry Christmas

WINTER WARMER

The Snow lies on the Earth
Icicles hang from the gate
Frost sits on the window panes
A fire burns in the grate

The sun sets beyond the wood
Abandoning the sky
Let’s draw the curtains in
And bank the fire high

Now turn the lamplight up
And forget about the weather
Warm moment we’ll share
As we cosy up together

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 4

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why are we having this debate?
If Santa was a woman
How would she navigate?
My wife got lost last week
In a car park in Ramsgate

PRAYERS WERE SUNG

Prayers were sung
To the Heavens high
Then the angel told
The messiah was nigh
And a light of peace
Entered men’s hearts
Love filled the world
To herald a new start

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name

EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT

Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty

CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS

Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind

Christmas Poem Selection # 20

CHRISTMAS STAR

The Christmas star
Festively untypical
Having poisonous milk
And being tropical
But scarlet petal-like leaves
Make them appear more topical
And star shaped flowers
Are more decoratively typical

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4

I've always loved my Santa
Since first we kissed
And he loves me because
I’m on the naughty list
THE THING THAT I ENJOY THE MOST

The thing that I enjoy the most
When Christmas descends
Isn’t giving and receiving gifts
It’s seeing my family and friends
Because when it comes down to it
That’s what counts in the end

LONELY CHRISTMAS

The room is full
Of good friends
And loving family
But I’m still lonely

There is laughter
Happiness and jollity
Kindness in abundance
But I’m still sad

There is warmth
In the familiar smiles
And in the tender hugs
But I’m still cold

I continue to be lonely
I continue to be sad
I continue to be cold
Because you’re not here

SPARE A THOUGHT

We live in a selfish world
We all think of “me and mine”
It’s perfectly natural, after all
Putting family first is fine
But just take a moment
As you sit down to dine
To think of the hungry
And when the meal is done
Think of the homeless
And as you enjoy the family fun
With people who truly care
Think of those who have no one

IN TRUE DICKENSIAN TRADITION

In true Dickensian tradition
Amidst the Christmas mayhem
Even in the thronging malls
There are unforced smiles
And pleasantries exchanged
Between people with
Christmas in their hearts
Warm and heartfelt wishes
Given gladly without hesitation
One stranger to another

GLASS DECORATIONS ON THE TREE

Glass Decorations on the tree
Candy canes of red and white
Tinsel sparkles delightfully
And reflects the coloured light

A garland graces the mantel
With boughs of fresh cut holly
Mistletoe is hopefully hung
To steal a kiss from Molly

OUTSIDE IT’S SNOWING HARD

Outside it’s snowing hard
Falling fast and lying deep
But you are warm and safe
As in your bed you sleep

But I must brave the elements
As the wind stings my face
So I can spend Christmas
In your sweet loving embrace

THE DOORBELL RINGS

The doorbell rings to announce
Arrivals from across the miles
And the spirit of the season
Is visible in the Christmas smiles

CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS

Throughout this seasonal time
Blessings come to us each day
The trick is to recognise them
So as not to turn them away

WHEN THE CAROLLERS SING

When the carollers sing
Their Christmas verses
Open up your hearts
And open up your purses

CELEBRATING CRIMBO

Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo

THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE

The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER

The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess

Christmas Poem Selection # 19

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 2

I've always loved my Santa
In his red Santa hat
With his cheerful demeanour
All hearty and fat
With his belly that wobbles
Like a bowl full of jelly
And he loves his naughty
Little Miss Nelly

CRIMBLE LOVE

It has taken the festive season
To give me the perfect reason
To hold this sprig of mistletoe
And kiss you softly in the snow

WARM MEMORIES OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Warm memories
Of the holiday season
Moments of joy‚
To be forever treasured
Prayers of peace
One day to be answered
These are the gifts
I wish for us all

GRANMA JOY

I have happy memories to cherish
At my Grans when I was a boy
Her heart was so full of love
She filled the house with joy

Garlands, Balloons and bells
Hung from every beam and rafter
She made it joyful for us all
The house rang with her laughter

It was such a joyous time
I wish I could cross the years
To once more see her smile
Just thinking about her cheers

CRIMBLE LOVING

I’ve waited all year to bestow
A kiss beneath the mistletoe
A kiss to leave you all agog
Not just a cheap drunken snog
A kiss to leave you all aglow
A passionate kiss to let you know
That I hold a flaming torch for you
I hope you feel the same way too

ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH

Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year

Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER

On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell

CRIMBLE LUST

I have a large bunch of mistletoe
And you are on my Christmas list
But I will carefully pick my moment
I don’t want to do it when you’re pissed
Because with my bunch of mistletoe
I want you to know that you’ve been kissed

CHRISTMASTIDE LOVE

Now that it’s Christmas
There’s something I must do
Or there’s something I must say
My heart is so full of love for you
I must tell you how I feel
Say how much I love you
And how much you mean to me
Then hope that you love me too
And if you don’t then I will know
But I will still love you

ITS NOT JUST PRESENTS

It’s not just presents
That must be opened
As another Christmas starts

As well as all the gifts
We must try to open
Closed minds and hearts

THE GIFT I MOST WANTED

The gift I most wanted
Was the sweetest girl
With a generous heart
A smile to banish darkness
And a warm and tender soul
To make all of my
Christmas dreams come true
But it wasn’t to be
Because I ended up with you

THE GIFT I WANTED THE MOST

The gift I wanted the most
Was the sweetest girl
With a generous heart
A smile to banish darkness
And a warm and tender soul
To make all of my
Christmas dreams come true
I thought it wasn’t to be
But then I found you

THE LATE CHRISTMAS CARD

The etiquette for Christmas cards
Is simple, you just have to remember
If you can’t get it there for the day
Make sure it still arrives in December

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL IN YOUR HAIR?

Are you wearing tinsel in your hair?
Sitting atop your golden curls
You look so very angelic to me
A jewel more precious than pearls
But looks can be deceiving
Angel with the golden curls
And later on I might well discover
You’re one of the naughty girls

CHRISTMAS SPOILERS

The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?

IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY

If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe

For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse

Christmas Poem Selection # 18

CRIMBO

Bunting and frolic
Candles and smells
Garlands and gaiety
Baubles and bells
The holly and the ivy
Sprigs of mistletoe
Cookies and eggnog
Have a happy Crimbo

WITH EXPECTANT FACES FULL OF SMILES

With expectant faces full of smiles
The children sit around the tree
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
And wondering “What’s Santa got for me”

Eagerly the children sit by the tree
Their expectant smiling faces all aglow
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
On the moment when Nan says “go”

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
I’ll spend Christmas time with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
It should be the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
But I’ve just realized my folly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

Stab me in the heart with holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dad has run away with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Stuff the turkeys arse with holly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Theres no reason to be jolly,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

I LOVE THE FESTIVE SEASON

I love the festive season
When it’s cold and freezing
Then my favourite thing to do
Is to cuddle up close to you

ARE YOU WEARING IT THE RIGHT WAY?

Are you wearing it the right way?
I heard the pretty girl say
Should it be tied like so?
For kissing under the mistletoe
Am I showing my naïveté?
In the most embarrassing way
It’s just that I kind of felt
It shouldn’t be tied on your belt

KEEP CHRISTMAS WELL

Keep Christmas well
Embrace its spirit
Feel its warmth and joy
Hold it in your heart
And keep its embers alight
Carry it with you
From one year to the next
So it will never end

FAMILY CHRISTMASES

When I think back to those Christmases
I and my brothers and sisters shared
And all the love that filled the house
When no other time quite compared

I realized just how lucky we all were
Lucky we had a family that truly cared
Who gave us love and now that I am older
I make sure that love is liberally shared

THE BLESSED SEASON

God richly blesses us
The Good Lord fulfils us
And bestows love upon us
This and every Christmas

DARLING I LOVE YOU

Each and every day
I say these words to you
Darling I love you

Then every Christmas
I say these words to you
Merry Christmas Darling I love you

And every New Year
I say these words to you
Happy New Year Darling I love you

And every time I say it
You look at me and say
Whatever

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 1

I've always loved my Santa
In his Red Velvet suit
With his long white beard
And cheeks all rosy and cute
His deep throated laughter
All happy and jolly
And he loves his naughty
Little Miss Molly

THIS WISH, I WISH

This wish I wish,
Is a wish for you,
The wish is for me
The wish is for you
The wish, I wish
Is a wish for you,
Don’t you see?
The wish is for you
That’s what I wish
I wish only for you

THE GREAT STAR OF LIGHT

The great star of light
Graced the nativity
Where the holy family,
Mary and her child
And the Noble Joseph
Dwelt in the humble stall

The beasts in the stable
The Kings of the east
And shepherds from the hill
Witnessed the gift of love
Given by a gracious God
To the sinful world

ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT

When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C

THE YEAR IS TURNING

The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution

Christmas Poem Selection # 17

IT’S SUCH A MILD NEW YEAR

It’s such a mild New Year
All the birds are singing noisily
Noisy little bastards
Should be frozen to a tree

LET’S RAISE A GLASS TO MUM # 2

Let’s raise a glass to Mum
For yet another job well done
And the essence of my reasoning
Is, you are the festive seasoning
For by chasing the blandness away
It’s you who flavours the day

WHATEVER FUTURE GIFTS

Whatever future gifts
That might make me glad
Or any from the past
Including when I was a lad
There is nothing to compare
To the gift of being a Dad

THE BAUBLE AND THE BELL

The bauble and the bell
The tinsel star as well
The angel with its wings
The shepherds and the Kings
The tree’s coloured lights
The tinsel sparkling bright
The garlands hanging high
So pleasing to the eye
These are the things
That Christmas time brings

THE HERALDS OF THE LORD

The heralds of the lord
Sung in one accord
Speaking of a child
So meek and mild
A halo on its curls
A gift to the world
A beacon in the night
Exuding loving light

THE BEST PRESENTS CANNOT BE BOUGHT

The best presents cannot be bought
There is no mall where they can be sought
But if you have sufficiently striven
The best present can be easily given
It resides in you, channelled from above
That most wondrous gift of eternal love

THE BEST PRESENT YOU CAN EVER RECEIVE

The best present you can ever receive
Does not possess any monetary value
Yet is more precious than pure gold
It’s the gift of someone loving you

LEADING UP TO CHRISTMAS DAY

Leading up to Christmas day
Happy Christmas you should say
But so often it goes unsaid,
People say happy holidays instead

CHRISTMAS STAR

I wouldn’t need to look too far
To find the perfect Christmas star
I’d open my eyes and there you are
I don’t have to wish upon a star
To find the perfect Christmas star
Because you're the very best by far

CHRISTMAS IS SPECIAL

Christmas is special
And you are the reason
Your touch adds lustre
To the festive season

YOU LOOK UPON CHRISTMAS

You look upon Christmas
As just another of your duties
And over the years
You’ve given us some beauties

You don’t think that it’s Special
It’s just something that you do
But Christmas doesn’t just happen
It’s made piece by piece by you

Everything that is Christmas
When all said and done
Is completely down to you
So Happy Christmas Mum

DON’T THINK WE HAVEN’T NOTICED

Don’t think we haven’t noticed
Just because we haven’t said
But we know that compliments
Are something that you dread
You’ve made a perfect Christmas
With your own fair hands
You thought of every detail
In your carefully made plans
We’ve enjoyed every moment
All the festivities and fun
So although you’ll be embarrassed
Thanks for Christmas mum

THE NIGHT IS CLEAR

The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here

I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS

I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas

NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?