FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 8 ANGELS FROM THE REALMS OF GLORY

 

ANGELS FROM THE REALMS OF GLORY

Words by James Montgomery and Traditional Music

 

Angels from the realms of glory,
Wing your flight o'er all the earth;
Ye who sang creation's story,
Now proclaim Messiah's birth:
Come and worship,
Come and worship,
Worship Christ, the newborn King!

Shepherds, in the fields abiding,
Watching o'er your flocks by night,
God with man is now residing,
Yonder shines the infant Light;
Come and worship,
Come and worship,
Worship Christ, the newborn King!

Sages, leave your contemplations,
Brighter visions beam afar;
Seek the great desire of nations,
Ye have seen His natal star;
Come and worship,
Come and worship,
Worship Christ, the newborn King!

Saints before the altar bending,
Watching long in hope and fear,
Suddenly the Lord, descending,
In His temple shall appear:
Come and worship,
Come and worship,
Worship Christ, the newborn King!

CAROL SINGING

 

The custom of singing carols at Christmas is of English origin which began in the middle ages.

In the beginning the singing of Christmas carols was known as 'wassailing'.

But this soon changed, and the singers became known as carolers when groups of serenaders called "waits" would travel around from house to house singing ancient carols and spreading the holiday spirit.

The word "carol" means "song of joy."

The reason Christmas carols became so popular was that the angels sang when they appeared to the shepherds at Bethlehem to announce the birth of Jesus Christ's.

The original meaning of a carol is quite different to what we imagine it to be today for a carol was once a secular dance which was performed at any time of the year.

People danced around in a circle holding hands and singing songs.

The dance reminded onlookers of a coronet, so they called it a 'carol'. The name was transferred later on from the dance to the song itself. Carols

By the 16th century carols were sung only at Christmas time and at one time only Bishops and clergy were permitted to sing carols in church.

But carols became too popular amongst the public to be confined to church and were soon sung in the streets.

A true Carol tells the story in song of the birth of Christ and is sung during period leading up to Christmas.

SILENT NIGHT

 

On the morning of Christmas Eve in 1818, an Austrian priest called Joseph Mohr, was told that the church organ was broken and would not be repaired in time for the Christmas Eve service.

He was so saddened at the prospect of Christmas without music that he decided he would try to write a carol that could be sung by the choir and be accompanied by guitar music.

So, Joseph sat down and wrote three stanzas and later that night the people in the little Austrian Church in Oberndorff sang "Stille Nacht" for the first time.

CAROLING IN WALES

 

The Welsh are a very musical nation so Caroling is particularly popular in Wales where it is called eisteddfodde and is amongst other things often accompanied by a harp.

One custom in some rural areas a person is chosen to travel around the town draped in white and carrying a horse's skull on a long pole.

If anyone is given a "bite" by the horse's jaws they must pay a fine.

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 42 THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

 

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule, and I have a short list of personal favorites.

Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my forty second selection.

 

“The Twelve Days Of Christmas”

A traditional folk melody by English composer Frederic Austin

Performed by The Spinners

 

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me

A partridge in a pear tree

 

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

 

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Five Golden Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Six Geese A-laying

Five Golden Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Seven Swans A-swimming

Six Geese A-laying

Five Golden Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Eight Maids A-milking

Seven Swans A-swimming

Six Geese A-laying

Five Golden Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Maids A-milking

Seven Swans A-swimming

Six Geese A-laying

Five Golden Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Ten Lords A-leaping

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Maids A-milking

Seven Swans A-swimming

Six Geese A-laying

Five Golden Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Eleven Pipers Piping

Ten Lords A-leaping

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Maids A-milking

Seven Swans A-swimming

Six Geese A-laying

Five Golden Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Twelve Drummers Drumming

Eleven Pipers Piping

Ten Lords A-leaping

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Maids A-milking

Seven Swans A-swimming

Six Geese A-laying

Five Golden Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 27 STAR CAROL

 

Star Carol Written By John Rutter

 

Sing this night, for a boy is born in Bethlehem,

Christ our Lord in a lowly manger lies;

Bring your gifts, come and worship at his cradle,

Hurry to Bethlehem and see the son of Mary!

 

See his star shining bright

In the sky this Christmas Night!

Follow me joyfully;

Hurry to Bethlehem and see the son of Mary!

 

Angels bright, come from heaven’s highest glory,

Bear the news with its message of good cheer:

“Sing, rejoice, for a King is come to save us,

Hurry to Bethlehem and see the son of Mary!”

 

Let us pay our homage at the manger,

Sing his praise on this joyful Christmas Night;

Christ is come, bringing promises of salvation;

Hurry to Bethlehem and see the son of Mary!

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 30 SUSSEX MUMMERS CAROL

 

Sussex Mummers Carol

Traditional English Carol Writer unknown

 

God bless the master of this house
With happiness beside;
Where e'er his body rides or walks
His God be his guide.
His God be his guide.

God bless the mistress of this house
With gold chain round her breast;
Where e'er her body sleeps or wakes,
Lord, send her soul to rest.
Lord, send her soul to rest.

God bless your house, your children too,
Your cattle and your store;
The Lord increase you day by day,
And send you more and more.
And send you more and more.

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 26 STILL, STILL, STILL

 

Still, Still, Still

Music Traditional and Lyrics by Georg Götsch

 

Still, still, still,
One can hear the falling snow.
For all is hushed,
The world is sleeping,
Holy Star its vigil keeping.
Still, still, still,
One can hear the falling snow.

Sleep, sleep, sleep,
'Tis the eve of our Saviour's birth.
The night is peaceful all around you,
Close your eyes,
Let sleep surround you.
Sleep, sleep, sleep,
'Tis the eve of our Saviour's birth.

Dream, dream, dream,
Of the joyous day to come.
While guardian angels without number,
Watch you as you sweetly slumber.
Dream, dream, dream,
Of the joyous day to come

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 41 SANS DAY CAROL

 

Sans Day Carol

English (Cornish) traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

 

Now the holly bears a berry as white as the milk,
And Mary bore Jesus, all wrapped up in silk:

And Mary bore Jesus our Saviour for to be,
And the first tree in the greenwood, it was the holly.
Holly! Holly!
And the first tree in the greenwood, it was the holly!

Now the holly bears a berry as green as the grass,
And Mary bore Jesus, who died on the cross:

Now the holly bears a berry as black as the coal,
And Mary bore Jesus, who died for us all:

Now the holly bears a berry, as blood is it red,
Then trust we our Saviour, who rose from the dead:

A WINTER’S TALE

 

It was in sixteenth century Germany, or so the legend has it, in a town called Wittenberg in Saxony-Anhalt.

That the founder of the protestant church, Martin Luther, was the first to decorate a Christmas tree with lighted candles.

Apparently when he was walking home through the forest one dark and frosty winter’s night, his attention was drawn to the myriad of bright stars that he could see sparkling and twinkling through the branches of the fir trees.

The beauty of the nights display had a great effect on him, and he proceeded home very excited.

When he arrived home, he relayed to his family what he had seen and what had excited him so and almost immediately he set about decorating his Christmas tree with candles and then to his families surprise he lit them.

Goodness only knows what his family thought, that he was possessed possibly.

And what of the other people in the town what did they think of him and his antics.

It probably caused more consternation than the reformation.

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 42 THE SEVEN JOYS OF MARY

 

The Seven Joys of Mary

English traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

 

The very first joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of one
To see her blessed Jesus
When He was first her Son
When He was first her Son.

Chorus
When He was Her first Son, Good Lord;
And happy may we be,
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
To all eternity

The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of two
To see her own son Jesus,
To make the lame to go.
To make the lame to go. Chorus

The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of three
To see her own son Jesus,
To make the blind to see.
To make the blind to see. Chorus

The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of four
To see her own son Jesus,
To read the Bible o'er.
To read the Bible o'er. Chorus

The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of five
To see her own son Jesus,
To bring the dead alive.
To bring the dead alive. Chorus

The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of six
To see her own son Jesus,
Upon the Crucifix
Upon the Crucifix. Chorus

The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of seven
To see her own son Jesus,
To wear the crown of Heaven
To wear the crown of Heaven Chorus

Christmas 2015 # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”

THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS

To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas

WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY

We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee

GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF

Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register

SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN

So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited

MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS

My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do

Christmas 2015 # 8

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?

Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS

Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"

RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER

Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farce
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?

Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS

The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN

When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN

If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking

RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS

Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like

ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low

Christmas 2015 # 7

ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?

Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer

THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH

There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles

HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE

He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night

I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING

I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN

When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws

THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE

The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho

SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS

Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear

THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;

This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness

ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes

Christmas 2015 # 6

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?

Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole

I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS

I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

ABANDONING THE NATIVITY

It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby

SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING

It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332

Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again

THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS

They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones

IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES

It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents

MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth

Christmas 2015 # 5

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?

Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get

A BLONDE GIFT

Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit

DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY

During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES

I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer

EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS

Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit

SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are

SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL

Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO

The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus

Christmas 2015 # 3

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia

ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?

Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?

I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM

I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint

DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY

Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas

THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed

WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart

Christmas 2015 # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?

I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY

I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang

A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR

A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED

Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh

I EAT EVERYTHING

I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings

Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”

Christmas 2015 # 2

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney

ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace

So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?