Advent Calendars are going out of fashion
As
their popularity is so encumbered
But
in truth they’re going out of fashion
Because
frankly their days are numbered
Showing posts with label Advent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Advent. Show all posts
Saturday, 7 February 2026
ADVENT CALENDARS ARE GOING OUT OF FASHION
Friday, 11 December 2020
The Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa – The Third Sunday of Advent Matinée
The beautiful Downshire village of Clerembeax St Giles was situated to the west of Abbeyvale located between Grace Hill and Bushy Down and on the outskirts was the Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa and when staffing the Hotel, they wanted to employ from the village populous where possible, and that was how the Ward girls came to work at the Palace.
The Ward family had a small holding on the North side
of the village, parents Jack and Olive, and daughters Donna, Felicity, Josephine, and Maxine.
Josephine was third in
the pecking order at twenty-one and was 5 feet 4 inches tall in her
stocking feet and was half a stone heavier than she should have been which was
thanks to her comfort eating.
She wasn’t though disappointed with everything she saw in the mirror she
liked her legs which she thought were quite shapely and her hair which she
thought of as her crowning glory, which was long, straight, and light brown, and she was the only one of the sisters who was in a long-standing
relationship, and the recipient of her favours, and the reason for the comfort
eating, was James Vesey, a Corporal in the Downshire Light Infantry, who was
posted overseas.
But on the Third
Sunday of Advent while the Ward Family were heading towards their seats at St
Giles’, a murmur rumbled around those already seated and when Jo turned around
to investigate, she saw a soldier walking towards her, and she couldn’t believe
her eyes.
“Jimmy?” she exclaimed
“Were you expecting
some other gallant hero of the armed forces?” he asked, and she launched
herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck.
James’ appearance at
St Giles’ was an unexpected one, h
His role with the
Downshire’s was as a Field Medical Assistant, and he had flown back to the UK
on a medevac mission,
but he was only back
in Downshire for a few days, and only had a 48 hour leave before he had to
report back to Nettlefield.
So, when he arrived
back in the Village on a Sunday Morning he knew exactly where to find Jo
because The Ward Family had always been churchgoers and the whole family had
very strong faiths, and they only missed in exceptional circumstances.
Apart from being
regulars at St Giles’ there was one other given for the family, and that was
Olive Ward’s family Sunday Lunch, but given the circumstances it took on a
different significance, so Olive raised the bar, to make it more special.
To get everyone around the same
table for their Sunday Dinner was very special in itself but Olive wanted to
endow it with the addition of her husband Jack’s homemade wine, something that
only graced the most special of occasions and her suggestion was greeted with Universal
approval.
It was a noisy and raucous occasion fueled in
no small measure by the liberal consumption of Jack’s Pea Pod Chardonnay.
By 3 o’clock dinner was served, and Olive had
done them proud with the table groaning under the weight of the Celebration fare.
It was no mean feat to cook such a sumptuous
feast for 9 people, but as usual Olive achieved it effortlessly, which was made
all the more remarkable, as she appeared not to have a single hair out of place,
and everyone enthused at the magnificence of the spread and all the trimmings
and subsequently all the plates were cleared.
Finally, the pudding was served, a baked Alaska, which Olive knew was
James’ favourite, and then as the final scrapes of spoons on china echoed
around the room James stood up and called for order, and when he finally had
everyone’s attention, he firstly proposed a toast to the cook, then to the
master brewer and finally he proposed to Jo.
“Wha…?” she said
“Will you marry me?” he repeated holding the ring box out to her
“Of course, I’ll marry you dummy” she said and wrapped her loving arms
around his neck and kissed him.
The Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa – The Third Sunday of Advent
The beautiful Downshire village of Clerembeax St Giles was situated to the west of Abbeyvale located between Grace Hill and Bushy Down and on the outskirts was the Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa and when Yvonne Labuschagne inherited it from her cousin, the last remaining Clerembeax, she undertook the task of modernizing the Palace and opening a Hotel and Spa offering, fitness classes, gym, rock sauna, infra-red sauna, aroma steam room, ice fountain, drench showers, Jacuzzi, a Romanesque pool, Reflexology, Raki, facials, scalp massage, hand massage, Manicure and Pedicure, while also providing accommodation, meeting and function rooms, a superior restaurant and whatever temptation might attract potential visitors.
She was by profession
a masseuse and had worked for many years along with her late husband at the Dancingdean Spa Hotel in Childean.
Staffing the Hotel and Spa was crucial, and Yvonne
used her contacts in the Spa world to find the right specialist people in her
field of expertise’s and employed Hannah Morgan to fill the remainder of the
roles, on the understanding that she employs from the village populous where
possible, and that was how the Ward girls came to work at the Palace.
The Ward family had a small holding on the North side
of the village, parents Jack and Olive, and daughters Donna, Felicity, Josephine, and Maxine.
It was a profitable
concern and gave them all a modest living but when the Palace opened, it gave
them a chance to supplement their incomes without having to travel to
Abbeyvale.
They were all
hard-working girls and didn’t care what work they did, so Hannah Morgan didn’t
hesitate to offer them all housekeeping jobs.
Josephine was third in
the pecking order at twenty-one and was 5 feet 4 inches tall in her
stocking feet and was half a stone heavier than she should have been which was
thanks to her comfort eating.
She wasn’t though disappointed with everything she saw in the mirror she
liked her legs which she thought were quite shapely and her hair which she
thought of as her crowning glory, which was long, straight and light brown, and she was the only one of the sisters who was in a long-standing
relationship, and the recipient of her favours, and the reason for the comfort
eating, was James Vesey, a Corporal in the Downshire Light Infantry, who was
currently posted overseas.
The Ward Family had
always been churchgoers and not out of a sense of duty, the whole family had
very strong faiths, and they only missed in exceptional circumstances, and the
same was true of Olive Ward’s family Sunday Lunch, which took on a different
significance on the Third Sunday of Advent.
The family arrived at
St Giles’ en masse and milled around at the back of the church chatting to some
of the other congregants, until it was time to take their seats, but as they
walked down the aisle, a murmur rumbled around those already seated and when Jo
turned around to investigate, she saw a soldier walking towards her, and she
couldn’t believe her eyes.
“Jimmy?” she exclaimed
“Were you expecting
some other gallant hero of the armed forces?” he asked, and she launched
herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck.
Tuesday, 21 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 9
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS WAISTCOAT?
Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer
SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS
She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”
THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS
To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas
WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee
GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF
Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register
SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN
So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur
A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED
A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited
MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS
My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do
Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer
SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS
She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”
THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS
To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas
WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee
GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF
Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register
SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN
So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur
A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED
A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited
MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS
My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?
Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do
Monday, 20 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 8
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?
Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS
Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"
RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER
Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farce
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?
Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS
The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s
WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN
When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST
New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?
Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed
IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN
If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking
RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS
Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like
ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?
Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low
Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS
Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"
RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER
Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farce
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?
Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS
The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s
WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN
When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST
New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?
Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed
IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN
If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking
RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS
Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like
ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?
Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low
Sunday, 19 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 7
ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?
Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES
The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer
THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH
There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles
HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE
He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE
The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes
Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES
The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer
THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH
There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles
HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE
He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE
The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes
Saturday, 18 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 6
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?
Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?
Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl
SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY
Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole
I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS
I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
ABANDONING THE NATIVITY
It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby
SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING
It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again
THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS
They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?
Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl
SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY
Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole
I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS
I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
ABANDONING THE NATIVITY
It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby
SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING
It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332
Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again
THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS
They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
Friday, 17 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 5
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?
Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”
ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?
Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get
A BLONDE GIFT
Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit
DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES
I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU
All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer
EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS
Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit
SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS
Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are
SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL
Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO
The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus
Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”
ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?
Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get
A BLONDE GIFT
Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit
DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES
I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU
All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer
EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS
Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit
SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS
Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are
SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL
Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO
The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus
Thursday, 16 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 3
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?
Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?
BAD SANTA # 3
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia
ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?
Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?
BAD SANTA # 3
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia
ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?
Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
Saturday, 11 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 4
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?
Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present
BAD SANTA # 4
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?
Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard
MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED
Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh
I EAT EVERYTHING
I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present
BAD SANTA # 4
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?
Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard
MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED
Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh
I EAT EVERYTHING
I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
Friday, 10 March 2017
Christmas 2016 # 2
AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME
As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work
AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD
At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present
But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas
SHINY RED BAUBLES
Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason
WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF
We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection
INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY
Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer
FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER
For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts
I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS
I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries
WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?
“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”
WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’
JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN
Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.
SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET
Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls
THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY
The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast
DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”
As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work
AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD
At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present
But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas
SHINY RED BAUBLES
Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason
WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF
We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection
INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY
Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer
FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER
For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts
I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS
I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries
WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?
“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”
WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’
JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN
Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.
SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET
Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls
THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY
The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast
DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”
Saturday, 4 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 2
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?
Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
BAD SANTA # 2
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney
ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE
The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?
Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
BAD SANTA # 2
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney
ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE
The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?
Monday, 27 February 2017
Christmas 2016 # 1
WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?
Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet
I REMEMBER THE TIME
I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause
FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE
Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year
I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES
I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day
CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!
Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!
REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT
Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it
IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY
In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you
CHRISTMAS PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents
FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve
A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE
A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1
That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays
WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS
When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason
I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT
I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow
Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet
I REMEMBER THE TIME
I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause
FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE
Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year
I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES
I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day
CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!
Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!
REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT
Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it
IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY
In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you
CHRISTMAS PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents
FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve
A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE
A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1
That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays
WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS
When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason
I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT
I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow
Saturday, 25 February 2017
Christmas 2015 # 1
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?
Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise
BAD SANTA # 1
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1
Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek
ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?
Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED
The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true
Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise
BAD SANTA # 1
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1
Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek
ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?
Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED
The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true
Sunday, 1 January 2017
Christmas Poem Selection # 25
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 8
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well there’s no evidence yet
But ask yourself if a man
Would choose to wear red velvet
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS
Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit
SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS
Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are
SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL
Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF
Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well there’s no evidence yet
But ask yourself if a man
Would choose to wear red velvet
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS
Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit
SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS
Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are
SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL
Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING
I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour
GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF
Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register
IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES
It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents
MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth
WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN
When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws
SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS
Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear
THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;
This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness
Christmas Poem Selection # 24
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 7
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well surely it’s self-evident
It takes a great deal of effort
To achieve the necessary merriment
And no man is capable
Of that level of commitment
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
A BLONDE GIFT
Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit
DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES
I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU
All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer
ARE YOU WEARING XMAS STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing Xmas stockings?
With a holly wreath motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each leaf
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the Christmas gift
Beyond the holly wreath motif
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well surely it’s self-evident
It takes a great deal of effort
To achieve the necessary merriment
And no man is capable
Of that level of commitment
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
A BLONDE GIFT
Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit
DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES
I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU
All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer
ARE YOU WEARING XMAS STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing Xmas stockings?
With a holly wreath motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each leaf
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the Christmas gift
Beyond the holly wreath motif
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
Saturday, 31 December 2016
Christmas Poem Selection # 23
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 6
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well would that be so shocking
I mean if it were left to a man
And I don’t mean to be mocking
But are really more interested
In a very different stocking
ARE YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES?
Are you wearing any clothes?
My little Christmas elf
You’re supposed to dress the tree!
Not undress yourself
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in Xmas paper
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed
CHRISTMAS BOX
A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”
We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry
SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
MINCE PIES FULL
Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason
MERRY BELLS
Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season
REINDEER TURN
Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”
IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie
ARCTIC EDUCATION
At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught
CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)
Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal
BREAKFAST TIME COMES
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes
IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT
If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus
LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY
Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well would that be so shocking
I mean if it were left to a man
And I don’t mean to be mocking
But are really more interested
In a very different stocking
ARE YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES?
Are you wearing any clothes?
My little Christmas elf
You’re supposed to dress the tree!
Not undress yourself
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in Xmas paper
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed
CHRISTMAS BOX
A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”
We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry
SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
MINCE PIES FULL
Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason
MERRY BELLS
Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season
REINDEER TURN
Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”
IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie
ARCTIC EDUCATION
At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught
CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)
Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal
BREAKFAST TIME COMES
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes
IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT
If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus
LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY
Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get
Christmas Poem Selection # 22
CHRISTMAS PUDDING
Christmas pudding
Boiling in the pot
Rich steamed pudding
Hissing in the pot
Christmas pudding
Singing in the pot
Turn the pudding out
Its steaming hot
OH MY DEAR MRS. CHRISTMAS
Oh my dear Mrs. Christmas
You fill me with cheer
When I see you dressed
In all your Christmas gear
You look so tinsellicious
In the red velvet dress
With stockings to match
And I would like to stress
That I am looking forward
To seeing the silk underwear
And let’s not forget about
The little bit of white fur
I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN
I built the perfect snowman
Well a snow-woman actually
She was a little disproportionate
But she was perfect to me
She was a little cold
But we could’ve been happy
I wrapped her in a blanked
And took her to my bed
In the morning I was hoping,
Though nothing was said
That we would make love
But I woke alone instead
And to make matters worst
One of us had wet the bed
MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME
I mustn’t leave my shopping,
My wife has made it clear to me,
Until late on Christmas Eve
For my Christmas won’t be merry
If all she gets is cheap perfume
And more slutty lingerie
MITHRAS
Mithras was a pagan faith
Older than we can remember
And the festival was held
Towards the end of December
Thank God it’s been replaced
By the festival of Christmas
Otherwise we’d have to wish
Everyone a merry Mithras
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS DRAWERS?
Are you wearing Christmas drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
Well that really is shocking
You’re supposed to hang a stocking
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
How ridiculous, no way
They can’t parallel park a car
How would they cope with a sleigh?
THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS
The magic of Christmas
Is the Christmas cheer
What a shame it can’t last
Throughout the year
BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!
CHRISTMAS BELLS
Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1
For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility
Christmas pudding
Boiling in the pot
Rich steamed pudding
Hissing in the pot
Christmas pudding
Singing in the pot
Turn the pudding out
Its steaming hot
OH MY DEAR MRS. CHRISTMAS
Oh my dear Mrs. Christmas
You fill me with cheer
When I see you dressed
In all your Christmas gear
You look so tinsellicious
In the red velvet dress
With stockings to match
And I would like to stress
That I am looking forward
To seeing the silk underwear
And let’s not forget about
The little bit of white fur
I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN
I built the perfect snowman
Well a snow-woman actually
She was a little disproportionate
But she was perfect to me
She was a little cold
But we could’ve been happy
I wrapped her in a blanked
And took her to my bed
In the morning I was hoping,
Though nothing was said
That we would make love
But I woke alone instead
And to make matters worst
One of us had wet the bed
MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME
I mustn’t leave my shopping,
My wife has made it clear to me,
Until late on Christmas Eve
For my Christmas won’t be merry
If all she gets is cheap perfume
And more slutty lingerie
MITHRAS
Mithras was a pagan faith
Older than we can remember
And the festival was held
Towards the end of December
Thank God it’s been replaced
By the festival of Christmas
Otherwise we’d have to wish
Everyone a merry Mithras
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS DRAWERS?
Are you wearing Christmas drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
Well that really is shocking
You’re supposed to hang a stocking
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
How ridiculous, no way
They can’t parallel park a car
How would they cope with a sleigh?
THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS
The magic of Christmas
Is the Christmas cheer
What a shame it can’t last
Throughout the year
BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN
Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!
CHRISTMAS BELLS
Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1
For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility
Christmas Poem Selection # 21
THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS TIME
The magic of Christmas time
Is all the good will it brings
But sadly it gets packed away
With the other Christmas things
CHRISTMAS TIP
If you want next Christmas
To be happy and merry
Then insure the Christmas card
You send to your sister Kerry
Has sufficient postage
And arrives before January
REMEMBER DECEMBER
The chilly month of December
Is the time for us to remember
In the run up to Christmas
Those who went before us
Loved ones and dear friends
Whose influence still wends
Shaping the form and style
Their memories making us smile
We remember the traditions
As they shared our celebrations
PUT A COIN IN THE BUCKET
Put a coin in the bucket
It doesn’t have to be big
Just a small token
That you won’t even miss
Put a coin in the bucket
Just drop it in
Or maybe a few
It’s good for your heart
Put a coin in the bucket
And shine a light
Into the darkest corner
Of a strangers life
Put a coin in the bucket
It’s nothing to you
But a bucket full of nothings
Will do a lot of good
I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK
I wish you Good luck
I wish you Good cheer
I wish you Good health
For the coming year
I wish you Good times,
I wish you great days
But I will never ever
Wish you happy holidays
AS WE APPROACH ANOTHER YULE
As we approach another Yule
Its time I went off on the pull
Looking for a Christmas honey
Someone attractive and funny
And if I manage to attract her
I will pull a Christmas cracker
WE COULD HAVE
We could have raised a glass
With all the usual crowd
We could have gone to mums
And spent Christmas in Stroud
We could have jetted off
For sand and sea and sun
We could’ve gone to my bro’s
Were they have “lots of fun”
We could have stayed at home
And just had “a quiet one”
Laughing at the annual
Morecambe and Wise rerun
But we decided to avoid this year
The usual helter skelter
And help cook Christmas dinner
At the homeless shelter
THE CHURCH BELLS RING OUT
The church bells ring out
The Christmas chimes
The congregation sings out
The Christmas rhymes
So lift up your hearts
And join the joyous throng
And sing heartily to the lord
A joyous Christmas song
MAY THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON
May this Christmas season
Be overflowing with Christmas spirit
Enough to banish all the Grinch’s
And the Ebenezer Scrooges
And make it a very merry Christmas
WINTER WARMER
The Snow lies on the Earth
Icicles hang from the gate
Frost sits on the window panes
A fire burns in the grate
The sun sets beyond the wood
Abandoning the sky
Let’s draw the curtains in
And bank the fire high
Now turn the lamplight up
And forget about the weather
Warm moment we’ll share
As we cosy up together
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 4
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why are we having this debate?
If Santa was a woman
How would she navigate?
My wife got lost last week
In a car park in Ramsgate
PRAYERS WERE SUNG
Prayers were sung
To the Heavens high
Then the angel told
The messiah was nigh
And a light of peace
Entered men’s hearts
Love filled the world
To herald a new start
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name
EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT
Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty
CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS
Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind
The magic of Christmas time
Is all the good will it brings
But sadly it gets packed away
With the other Christmas things
CHRISTMAS TIP
If you want next Christmas
To be happy and merry
Then insure the Christmas card
You send to your sister Kerry
Has sufficient postage
And arrives before January
REMEMBER DECEMBER
The chilly month of December
Is the time for us to remember
In the run up to Christmas
Those who went before us
Loved ones and dear friends
Whose influence still wends
Shaping the form and style
Their memories making us smile
We remember the traditions
As they shared our celebrations
PUT A COIN IN THE BUCKET
Put a coin in the bucket
It doesn’t have to be big
Just a small token
That you won’t even miss
Put a coin in the bucket
Just drop it in
Or maybe a few
It’s good for your heart
Put a coin in the bucket
And shine a light
Into the darkest corner
Of a strangers life
Put a coin in the bucket
It’s nothing to you
But a bucket full of nothings
Will do a lot of good
I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK
I wish you Good luck
I wish you Good cheer
I wish you Good health
For the coming year
I wish you Good times,
I wish you great days
But I will never ever
Wish you happy holidays
AS WE APPROACH ANOTHER YULE
As we approach another Yule
Its time I went off on the pull
Looking for a Christmas honey
Someone attractive and funny
And if I manage to attract her
I will pull a Christmas cracker
WE COULD HAVE
We could have raised a glass
With all the usual crowd
We could have gone to mums
And spent Christmas in Stroud
We could have jetted off
For sand and sea and sun
We could’ve gone to my bro’s
Were they have “lots of fun”
We could have stayed at home
And just had “a quiet one”
Laughing at the annual
Morecambe and Wise rerun
But we decided to avoid this year
The usual helter skelter
And help cook Christmas dinner
At the homeless shelter
THE CHURCH BELLS RING OUT
The church bells ring out
The Christmas chimes
The congregation sings out
The Christmas rhymes
So lift up your hearts
And join the joyous throng
And sing heartily to the lord
A joyous Christmas song
MAY THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON
May this Christmas season
Be overflowing with Christmas spirit
Enough to banish all the Grinch’s
And the Ebenezer Scrooges
And make it a very merry Christmas
WINTER WARMER
The Snow lies on the Earth
Icicles hang from the gate
Frost sits on the window panes
A fire burns in the grate
The sun sets beyond the wood
Abandoning the sky
Let’s draw the curtains in
And bank the fire high
Now turn the lamplight up
And forget about the weather
Warm moment we’ll share
As we cosy up together
IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 4
Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why are we having this debate?
If Santa was a woman
How would she navigate?
My wife got lost last week
In a car park in Ramsgate
PRAYERS WERE SUNG
Prayers were sung
To the Heavens high
Then the angel told
The messiah was nigh
And a light of peace
Entered men’s hearts
Love filled the world
To herald a new start
A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3
For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name
EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT
Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty
CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS
Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind
Friday, 30 December 2016
Christmas Poem Selection # 20
CHRISTMAS STAR
The Christmas star
Festively untypical
Having poisonous milk
And being tropical
But scarlet petal-like leaves
Make them appear more topical
And star shaped flowers
Are more decoratively typical
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4
I've always loved my Santa
Since first we kissed
And he loves me because
I’m on the naughty list
THE THING THAT I ENJOY THE MOST
The thing that I enjoy the most
When Christmas descends
Isn’t giving and receiving gifts
It’s seeing my family and friends
Because when it comes down to it
That’s what counts in the end
LONELY CHRISTMAS
The room is full
Of good friends
And loving family
But I’m still lonely
There is laughter
Happiness and jollity
Kindness in abundance
But I’m still sad
There is warmth
In the familiar smiles
And in the tender hugs
But I’m still cold
I continue to be lonely
I continue to be sad
I continue to be cold
Because you’re not here
SPARE A THOUGHT
We live in a selfish world
We all think of “me and mine”
It’s perfectly natural, after all
Putting family first is fine
But just take a moment
As you sit down to dine
To think of the hungry
And when the meal is done
Think of the homeless
And as you enjoy the family fun
With people who truly care
Think of those who have no one
IN TRUE DICKENSIAN TRADITION
In true Dickensian tradition
Amidst the Christmas mayhem
Even in the thronging malls
There are unforced smiles
And pleasantries exchanged
Between people with
Christmas in their hearts
Warm and heartfelt wishes
Given gladly without hesitation
One stranger to another
GLASS DECORATIONS ON THE TREE
Glass Decorations on the tree
Candy canes of red and white
Tinsel sparkles delightfully
And reflects the coloured light
A garland graces the mantel
With boughs of fresh cut holly
Mistletoe is hopefully hung
To steal a kiss from Molly
OUTSIDE IT’S SNOWING HARD
Outside it’s snowing hard
Falling fast and lying deep
But you are warm and safe
As in your bed you sleep
But I must brave the elements
As the wind stings my face
So I can spend Christmas
In your sweet loving embrace
THE DOORBELL RINGS
The doorbell rings to announce
Arrivals from across the miles
And the spirit of the season
Is visible in the Christmas smiles
CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS
Throughout this seasonal time
Blessings come to us each day
The trick is to recognise them
So as not to turn them away
WHEN THE CAROLLERS SING
When the carollers sing
Their Christmas verses
Open up your hearts
And open up your purses
CELEBRATING CRIMBO
Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo
THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE
The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER
The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess
The Christmas star
Festively untypical
Having poisonous milk
And being tropical
But scarlet petal-like leaves
Make them appear more topical
And star shaped flowers
Are more decoratively typical
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4
I've always loved my Santa
Since first we kissed
And he loves me because
I’m on the naughty list
THE THING THAT I ENJOY THE MOST
The thing that I enjoy the most
When Christmas descends
Isn’t giving and receiving gifts
It’s seeing my family and friends
Because when it comes down to it
That’s what counts in the end
LONELY CHRISTMAS
The room is full
Of good friends
And loving family
But I’m still lonely
There is laughter
Happiness and jollity
Kindness in abundance
But I’m still sad
There is warmth
In the familiar smiles
And in the tender hugs
But I’m still cold
I continue to be lonely
I continue to be sad
I continue to be cold
Because you’re not here
SPARE A THOUGHT
We live in a selfish world
We all think of “me and mine”
It’s perfectly natural, after all
Putting family first is fine
But just take a moment
As you sit down to dine
To think of the hungry
And when the meal is done
Think of the homeless
And as you enjoy the family fun
With people who truly care
Think of those who have no one
IN TRUE DICKENSIAN TRADITION
In true Dickensian tradition
Amidst the Christmas mayhem
Even in the thronging malls
There are unforced smiles
And pleasantries exchanged
Between people with
Christmas in their hearts
Warm and heartfelt wishes
Given gladly without hesitation
One stranger to another
GLASS DECORATIONS ON THE TREE
Glass Decorations on the tree
Candy canes of red and white
Tinsel sparkles delightfully
And reflects the coloured light
A garland graces the mantel
With boughs of fresh cut holly
Mistletoe is hopefully hung
To steal a kiss from Molly
OUTSIDE IT’S SNOWING HARD
Outside it’s snowing hard
Falling fast and lying deep
But you are warm and safe
As in your bed you sleep
But I must brave the elements
As the wind stings my face
So I can spend Christmas
In your sweet loving embrace
THE DOORBELL RINGS
The doorbell rings to announce
Arrivals from across the miles
And the spirit of the season
Is visible in the Christmas smiles
CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS
Throughout this seasonal time
Blessings come to us each day
The trick is to recognise them
So as not to turn them away
WHEN THE CAROLLERS SING
When the carollers sing
Their Christmas verses
Open up your hearts
And open up your purses
CELEBRATING CRIMBO
Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo
THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE
The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER
The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess
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