Christmas Poem Selection # 25

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 8

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well there’s no evidence yet
But ask yourself if a man
Would choose to wear red velvet

I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM

I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint

FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY

Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale

EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS

Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit

SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are

SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL

Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING

I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF

Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register

IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES

It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents

MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth

WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN

When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws

SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS

Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear

THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;

This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness

Christmas Poem Selection # 24

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 7

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well surely it’s self-evident
It takes a great deal of effort
To achieve the necessary merriment
And no man is capable
Of that level of commitment

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings

A BLONDE GIFT

Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit

DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY

During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES

I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Xmas stockings?
With a holly wreath motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each leaf
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the Christmas gift
Beyond the holly wreath motif

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY

Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas

THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed

WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart

WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY

We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn

I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY

I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang

A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR

A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss

Christmas Poem Selection # 23

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 6

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Well would that be so shocking
I mean if it were left to a man
And I don’t mean to be mocking
But are really more interested
In a very different stocking

ARE YOU WEARING ANY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing any clothes?
My little Christmas elf
You’re supposed to dress the tree!
Not undress yourself

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 2

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a caper
But to rub salt into the wound
Wrap their gift in Xmas paper

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
When into the roadway she strayed
It was an accident waiting to happen
Because Santa Claus was totally slayed

CHRISTMAS BOX

A common native of Asia
And the Himalayas
The Greeks called
It Sarcococca
“The fleshy berry”

We call it Christmas Box
With its large fragrant flowers
Blooming in winter
Making the stark
Christmas garden, merry

SNIP! SNAP! CHRISTMAS

Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as festive Christmas comes
Snatch at the feast of plums
In amongst the Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite Christmas game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!

MINCE PIES FULL

Mince pies full
Of spice and season
I don’t eat them
Heartburn’s the Reason

MERRY BELLS

Merry Bells of Christmas
Of genus Uvularia
Whose yellow drooping
Bell-shaped flowers
Brighten the season

REINDEER TURN

Rudolph is doing stand up
At this year’s Christmas do
But between each gag he says
“This one will sleigh you”

IT WAS THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

It was the office Christmas party
Where I met my girl Lottie
I felt really out of place
Every girl there was totty
I was out of my comfort zone
They were all pouty and hottie
I was just about to go home
When she said “Are you Scottie?”
I said “yes how did you know?”
“I asked” she said “I’m Lottie,
So you could ask me to dance”
I looked at her like she was Potty
She just smiled at me patiently
I smiled back and said “What me?”
She nodded and smiled again
And was swept off my feet by Lottie

ARCTIC EDUCATION

At the North Pole
If an education is sought
You won’t get any training
Everyone is Elf taught

CHRISTINGLE (ACROSTIC)

Candles
Holly
Red ribbon
Incense
Sweets
Tinsel
Inspiration
Noel
Gold
Light
Eternal

BREAKFAST TIME COMES

Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Frosty the snowman
Eats his Snowflakes

IF THE STORK WAS TO VISIT

If the stork was to visit
Santa and Mrs. Claus
The child would naturally be called
The subordinate Claus

LUCY WANTED TO BUY HER GRANNY

Lucy wanted to buy her Granny
A ladies handkerchief set
But in the end changed her mind
She didn’t know what size to get

Christmas Poem Selection # 22

CHRISTMAS PUDDING

Christmas pudding
Boiling in the pot
Rich steamed pudding
Hissing in the pot
Christmas pudding
Singing in the pot
Turn the pudding out
Its steaming hot

OH MY DEAR MRS. CHRISTMAS

Oh my dear Mrs. Christmas
You fill me with cheer
When I see you dressed
In all your Christmas gear

You look so tinsellicious
In the red velvet dress
With stockings to match
And I would like to stress

That I am looking forward
To seeing the silk underwear
And let’s not forget about
The little bit of white fur

I BUILT THE PERFECT SNOWMAN

I built the perfect snowman
Well a snow-woman actually
She was a little disproportionate
But she was perfect to me
She was a little cold
But we could’ve been happy

I wrapped her in a blanked
And took her to my bed
In the morning I was hoping,
Though nothing was said
That we would make love
But I woke alone instead
And to make matters worst
One of us had wet the bed

MY WIFE HAS MADE IT CLEAR TO ME

I mustn’t leave my shopping,
My wife has made it clear to me,
Until late on Christmas Eve
For my Christmas won’t be merry
If all she gets is cheap perfume
And more slutty lingerie

MITHRAS

Mithras was a pagan faith
Older than we can remember
And the festival was held
Towards the end of December

Thank God it’s been replaced
By the festival of Christmas
Otherwise we’d have to wish
Everyone a merry Mithras

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS DRAWERS?

Are you wearing Christmas drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
Well that really is shocking
You’re supposed to hang a stocking

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
How ridiculous, no way
They can’t parallel park a car
How would they cope with a sleigh?

THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS

The magic of Christmas
Is the Christmas cheer
What a shame it can’t last
Throughout the year

BREAKFAST TIME COMES, AGAIN

Breakfast time comes
Just after day breaks
When Santa’s little helpers
Eat their Frosted Flakes!

CHRISTMAS BELLS

Christmas bells
Of Genus Blandfordia
Orange or crimson
Whose large flowers
Brighten the season

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 1

For those born on Christmas day
Parents have a great responsibility
So don’t wish them a happy birthmas
Or Merry Chrisday it provokes hostility

Christmas Poem Selection # 21

THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS TIME

The magic of Christmas time
Is all the good will it brings
But sadly it gets packed away
With the other Christmas things

CHRISTMAS TIP

If you want next Christmas
To be happy and merry
Then insure the Christmas card
You send to your sister Kerry
Has sufficient postage
And arrives before January

REMEMBER DECEMBER

The chilly month of December
Is the time for us to remember
In the run up to Christmas
Those who went before us
Loved ones and dear friends
Whose influence still wends
Shaping the form and style
Their memories making us smile
We remember the traditions
As they shared our celebrations

PUT A COIN IN THE BUCKET

Put a coin in the bucket
It doesn’t have to be big
Just a small token
That you won’t even miss

Put a coin in the bucket
Just drop it in
Or maybe a few
It’s good for your heart

Put a coin in the bucket
And shine a light
Into the darkest corner
Of a strangers life

Put a coin in the bucket
It’s nothing to you
But a bucket full of nothings
Will do a lot of good

I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK

I wish you Good luck
I wish you Good cheer
I wish you Good health
For the coming year

I wish you Good times,
I wish you great days
But I will never ever
Wish you happy holidays

AS WE APPROACH ANOTHER YULE

As we approach another Yule
Its time I went off on the pull
Looking for a Christmas honey
Someone attractive and funny
And if I manage to attract her
I will pull a Christmas cracker

WE COULD HAVE

We could have raised a glass
With all the usual crowd
We could have gone to mums
And spent Christmas in Stroud

We could have jetted off
For sand and sea and sun
We could’ve gone to my bro’s
Were they have “lots of fun”

We could have stayed at home
And just had “a quiet one”
Laughing at the annual
Morecambe and Wise rerun

But we decided to avoid this year
The usual helter skelter
And help cook Christmas dinner
At the homeless shelter

THE CHURCH BELLS RING OUT

The church bells ring out
The Christmas chimes
The congregation sings out
The Christmas rhymes
So lift up your hearts
And join the joyous throng
And sing heartily to the lord
A joyous Christmas song

MAY THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON

May this Christmas season
Be overflowing with Christmas spirit
Enough to banish all the Grinch’s
And the Ebenezer Scrooges
And make it a very merry Christmas

WINTER WARMER

The Snow lies on the Earth
Icicles hang from the gate
Frost sits on the window panes
A fire burns in the grate

The sun sets beyond the wood
Abandoning the sky
Let’s draw the curtains in
And bank the fire high

Now turn the lamplight up
And forget about the weather
Warm moment we’ll share
As we cosy up together

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 4

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why are we having this debate?
If Santa was a woman
How would she navigate?
My wife got lost last week
In a car park in Ramsgate

PRAYERS WERE SUNG

Prayers were sung
To the Heavens high
Then the angel told
The messiah was nigh
And a light of peace
Entered men’s hearts
Love filled the world
To herald a new start

A CHRISTMAS DAY BIRTHDAY # 3

For those born on Christmas day
They miss out, which is a shame
But to rub salt into the wound
Give them a Christmas name

EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT

Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty

CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS

Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind

Christmas Poem Selection # 20

CHRISTMAS STAR

The Christmas star
Festively untypical
Having poisonous milk
And being tropical
But scarlet petal-like leaves
Make them appear more topical
And star shaped flowers
Are more decoratively typical

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 4

I've always loved my Santa
Since first we kissed
And he loves me because
I’m on the naughty list
THE THING THAT I ENJOY THE MOST

The thing that I enjoy the most
When Christmas descends
Isn’t giving and receiving gifts
It’s seeing my family and friends
Because when it comes down to it
That’s what counts in the end

LONELY CHRISTMAS

The room is full
Of good friends
And loving family
But I’m still lonely

There is laughter
Happiness and jollity
Kindness in abundance
But I’m still sad

There is warmth
In the familiar smiles
And in the tender hugs
But I’m still cold

I continue to be lonely
I continue to be sad
I continue to be cold
Because you’re not here

SPARE A THOUGHT

We live in a selfish world
We all think of “me and mine”
It’s perfectly natural, after all
Putting family first is fine
But just take a moment
As you sit down to dine
To think of the hungry
And when the meal is done
Think of the homeless
And as you enjoy the family fun
With people who truly care
Think of those who have no one

IN TRUE DICKENSIAN TRADITION

In true Dickensian tradition
Amidst the Christmas mayhem
Even in the thronging malls
There are unforced smiles
And pleasantries exchanged
Between people with
Christmas in their hearts
Warm and heartfelt wishes
Given gladly without hesitation
One stranger to another

GLASS DECORATIONS ON THE TREE

Glass Decorations on the tree
Candy canes of red and white
Tinsel sparkles delightfully
And reflects the coloured light

A garland graces the mantel
With boughs of fresh cut holly
Mistletoe is hopefully hung
To steal a kiss from Molly

OUTSIDE IT’S SNOWING HARD

Outside it’s snowing hard
Falling fast and lying deep
But you are warm and safe
As in your bed you sleep

But I must brave the elements
As the wind stings my face
So I can spend Christmas
In your sweet loving embrace

THE DOORBELL RINGS

The doorbell rings to announce
Arrivals from across the miles
And the spirit of the season
Is visible in the Christmas smiles

CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS

Throughout this seasonal time
Blessings come to us each day
The trick is to recognise them
So as not to turn them away

WHEN THE CAROLLERS SING

When the carollers sing
Their Christmas verses
Open up your hearts
And open up your purses

CELEBRATING CRIMBO

Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo

THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE

The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS OVER

The Christmas party is over
And so I guess
It’s now the time to wish you
A Happy Christmess

Christmas Poem Selection # 19

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 2

I've always loved my Santa
In his red Santa hat
With his cheerful demeanour
All hearty and fat
With his belly that wobbles
Like a bowl full of jelly
And he loves his naughty
Little Miss Nelly

CRIMBLE LOVE

It has taken the festive season
To give me the perfect reason
To hold this sprig of mistletoe
And kiss you softly in the snow

WARM MEMORIES OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Warm memories
Of the holiday season
Moments of joy‚
To be forever treasured
Prayers of peace
One day to be answered
These are the gifts
I wish for us all

GRANMA JOY

I have happy memories to cherish
At my Grans when I was a boy
Her heart was so full of love
She filled the house with joy

Garlands, Balloons and bells
Hung from every beam and rafter
She made it joyful for us all
The house rang with her laughter

It was such a joyous time
I wish I could cross the years
To once more see her smile
Just thinking about her cheers

CRIMBLE LOVING

I’ve waited all year to bestow
A kiss beneath the mistletoe
A kiss to leave you all agog
Not just a cheap drunken snog
A kiss to leave you all aglow
A passionate kiss to let you know
That I hold a flaming torch for you
I hope you feel the same way too

ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH

Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year

Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER

On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell

CRIMBLE LUST

I have a large bunch of mistletoe
And you are on my Christmas list
But I will carefully pick my moment
I don’t want to do it when you’re pissed
Because with my bunch of mistletoe
I want you to know that you’ve been kissed

CHRISTMASTIDE LOVE

Now that it’s Christmas
There’s something I must do
Or there’s something I must say
My heart is so full of love for you
I must tell you how I feel
Say how much I love you
And how much you mean to me
Then hope that you love me too
And if you don’t then I will know
But I will still love you

ITS NOT JUST PRESENTS

It’s not just presents
That must be opened
As another Christmas starts

As well as all the gifts
We must try to open
Closed minds and hearts

THE GIFT I MOST WANTED

The gift I most wanted
Was the sweetest girl
With a generous heart
A smile to banish darkness
And a warm and tender soul
To make all of my
Christmas dreams come true
But it wasn’t to be
Because I ended up with you

THE GIFT I WANTED THE MOST

The gift I wanted the most
Was the sweetest girl
With a generous heart
A smile to banish darkness
And a warm and tender soul
To make all of my
Christmas dreams come true
I thought it wasn’t to be
But then I found you

THE LATE CHRISTMAS CARD

The etiquette for Christmas cards
Is simple, you just have to remember
If you can’t get it there for the day
Make sure it still arrives in December

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL IN YOUR HAIR?

Are you wearing tinsel in your hair?
Sitting atop your golden curls
You look so very angelic to me
A jewel more precious than pearls
But looks can be deceiving
Angel with the golden curls
And later on I might well discover
You’re one of the naughty girls

CHRISTMAS SPOILERS

The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?

IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY

If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe

For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse

Christmas Poem Selection # 18

CRIMBO

Bunting and frolic
Candles and smells
Garlands and gaiety
Baubles and bells
The holly and the ivy
Sprigs of mistletoe
Cookies and eggnog
Have a happy Crimbo

WITH EXPECTANT FACES FULL OF SMILES

With expectant faces full of smiles
The children sit around the tree
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
And wondering “What’s Santa got for me”

Eagerly the children sit by the tree
Their expectant smiling faces all aglow
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
On the moment when Nan says “go”

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
I’ll spend Christmas time with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
It should be the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
But I’ve just realized my folly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

Stab me in the heart with holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dad has run away with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Stuff the turkeys arse with holly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Theres no reason to be jolly,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

I LOVE THE FESTIVE SEASON

I love the festive season
When it’s cold and freezing
Then my favourite thing to do
Is to cuddle up close to you

ARE YOU WEARING IT THE RIGHT WAY?

Are you wearing it the right way?
I heard the pretty girl say
Should it be tied like so?
For kissing under the mistletoe
Am I showing my naïveté?
In the most embarrassing way
It’s just that I kind of felt
It shouldn’t be tied on your belt

KEEP CHRISTMAS WELL

Keep Christmas well
Embrace its spirit
Feel its warmth and joy
Hold it in your heart
And keep its embers alight
Carry it with you
From one year to the next
So it will never end

FAMILY CHRISTMASES

When I think back to those Christmases
I and my brothers and sisters shared
And all the love that filled the house
When no other time quite compared

I realized just how lucky we all were
Lucky we had a family that truly cared
Who gave us love and now that I am older
I make sure that love is liberally shared

THE BLESSED SEASON

God richly blesses us
The Good Lord fulfils us
And bestows love upon us
This and every Christmas

DARLING I LOVE YOU

Each and every day
I say these words to you
Darling I love you

Then every Christmas
I say these words to you
Merry Christmas Darling I love you

And every New Year
I say these words to you
Happy New Year Darling I love you

And every time I say it
You look at me and say
Whatever

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 1

I've always loved my Santa
In his Red Velvet suit
With his long white beard
And cheeks all rosy and cute
His deep throated laughter
All happy and jolly
And he loves his naughty
Little Miss Molly

THIS WISH, I WISH

This wish I wish,
Is a wish for you,
The wish is for me
The wish is for you
The wish, I wish
Is a wish for you,
Don’t you see?
The wish is for you
That’s what I wish
I wish only for you

THE GREAT STAR OF LIGHT

The great star of light
Graced the nativity
Where the holy family,
Mary and her child
And the Noble Joseph
Dwelt in the humble stall

The beasts in the stable
The Kings of the east
And shepherds from the hill
Witnessed the gift of love
Given by a gracious God
To the sinful world

ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT

When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C

THE YEAR IS TURNING

The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution

Christmas Poem Selection # 17

IT’S SUCH A MILD NEW YEAR

It’s such a mild New Year
All the birds are singing noisily
Noisy little bastards
Should be frozen to a tree

LET’S RAISE A GLASS TO MUM # 2

Let’s raise a glass to Mum
For yet another job well done
And the essence of my reasoning
Is, you are the festive seasoning
For by chasing the blandness away
It’s you who flavours the day

WHATEVER FUTURE GIFTS

Whatever future gifts
That might make me glad
Or any from the past
Including when I was a lad
There is nothing to compare
To the gift of being a Dad

THE BAUBLE AND THE BELL

The bauble and the bell
The tinsel star as well
The angel with its wings
The shepherds and the Kings
The tree’s coloured lights
The tinsel sparkling bright
The garlands hanging high
So pleasing to the eye
These are the things
That Christmas time brings

THE HERALDS OF THE LORD

The heralds of the lord
Sung in one accord
Speaking of a child
So meek and mild
A halo on its curls
A gift to the world
A beacon in the night
Exuding loving light

THE BEST PRESENTS CANNOT BE BOUGHT

The best presents cannot be bought
There is no mall where they can be sought
But if you have sufficiently striven
The best present can be easily given
It resides in you, channelled from above
That most wondrous gift of eternal love

THE BEST PRESENT YOU CAN EVER RECEIVE

The best present you can ever receive
Does not possess any monetary value
Yet is more precious than pure gold
It’s the gift of someone loving you

LEADING UP TO CHRISTMAS DAY

Leading up to Christmas day
Happy Christmas you should say
But so often it goes unsaid,
People say happy holidays instead

CHRISTMAS STAR

I wouldn’t need to look too far
To find the perfect Christmas star
I’d open my eyes and there you are
I don’t have to wish upon a star
To find the perfect Christmas star
Because you're the very best by far

CHRISTMAS IS SPECIAL

Christmas is special
And you are the reason
Your touch adds lustre
To the festive season

YOU LOOK UPON CHRISTMAS

You look upon Christmas
As just another of your duties
And over the years
You’ve given us some beauties

You don’t think that it’s Special
It’s just something that you do
But Christmas doesn’t just happen
It’s made piece by piece by you

Everything that is Christmas
When all said and done
Is completely down to you
So Happy Christmas Mum

DON’T THINK WE HAVEN’T NOTICED

Don’t think we haven’t noticed
Just because we haven’t said
But we know that compliments
Are something that you dread
You’ve made a perfect Christmas
With your own fair hands
You thought of every detail
In your carefully made plans
We’ve enjoyed every moment
All the festivities and fun
So although you’ll be embarrassed
Thanks for Christmas mum

THE NIGHT IS CLEAR

The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here

I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS

I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas

NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?

Christmas Poem Selection # 16

ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?

Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat

MY VERY WORST CHRISTMAS EVER

My very worst Christmas ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
For hours of innocent ex-box fun

CRIMBLETIDE

I really love Crimbletide
It makes me all warm inside
And the joy I cannot hide
For the season of Crimbletide

TO ALL OF YOU, FROM ALL OF US

I have to say
Without ado
It’s time to say
To all of you
From all of us
Merry Christmas

PERSISTENT AND DISRUPTIVE WINDS

Persistent and disruptive winds,
There seems to be no doubts,
Are predicted after Christmas
And it will probably be the Sprouts

A VEGETARIAN CHRISTMAS

Do you want to celebrate?
A vegetarian Christmas
Then here you are
Have a freshly strained
Vegetable every day
With the advent colander

THE COUNCIL CHRISTMAS TREE

The council Christmas tree is dressed
And the lights were switched on in June
But don’t get yourself unduly distressed
With energy saving lights it’s not too soon
Because you must switch them on remember
So they are warmed up by December

THE WEATHER MAY BE DREARY

The weather may be dreary
My bones maybe weary
I may walk with heavy step
I may be lacking in pep
But when Christmas arrives
My spirit soon revives

IT LIFTS THE HEART AND SOUL

It lifts the heart and soul
Even when doing chores
What the yearlong drains
The festive season restores

THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON

Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe

BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR

Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released

CHRISTMAS IS A SPECIAL TIME

Christmas is a special time
When wishes can come true
But if you find they don’t
You can still make believe
That she is in love with you

SEASONS COME AND GO

Seasons come and go, but
For me the festive season
Is the most special of all
It refreshes and restores
Simply put, it invigorates
And sets me up once again
For the coming year ahead

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 2

My worst Christmas present ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
Really tatty and really not fun

When I complained to my dad
And declared it worse than socks
He said I should be more grateful
To receive my very own ex-box

To make things so much worse
My dad thought it was quite nifty
If you then spun the box around
To make an ex-box 360

WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES

When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope

Christmas Poem Selection # 15

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

IT’S NOT EVERYONE’S IDEAL

It’s not everyone’s ideal
Not their cup of tea
Or glass of mulled wine
But it is for me
Christmas is special
A wonderful heartfelt time
When deep felt feelings
Of happiness and joy
Rise to the surface
Like bubbles in champagne

THE WARM GLOW

In the warm glow
Of the log fire blazing
The fresh trimmed tree
Just looks amazing

As we sit together
In the quiet glow
I yearn to say
How much I love you so

The depth of my love
Is truly amazing
And just one coy glance
Sets my passions blazing

So on Christmas Eve
In the quiet glow
I think it’s time
For you to know
Just how much
I love you so

ADIOS FRIEND

My Christmas wish for you,
My friend is a simple one
Have a happy time in the cold
I’m jetting off to the sun

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

We listen at 3pm on Christmas day
To hear what the Queen has to say
While for those of a Republican bent
An alternative is just a click away

SOAP TRADITION

Christmas is all about traditions
But they evolve across the years
Some fall from favour all together
Then new ones seem to appear

This is certainly the case
Of one of the more recent traditions
To the familiar Christmas fare
The TV soaps festive additions

This is when the tired old plot line
That’s simmered away since June
Suddenly explodes in your face
And not a moment too soon

A QUIET MAGIC DESCENDS

Oh how a quiet magic descends
Upon the streets on Christmas day
As it’s the one day of the year
The shops are closed all day

CHRISTMAS DAY FOR THE POOR

Christmas day for the poor,
Hold very little surprise
For them it’s just another day
In a sparkling disguise

CHRISTMAS IS OUR FAVOURITE CELEBRATION

Christmas is our favourite celebration
In fact it is the most special occasion
A time to express what is in our hearts
The moment the festive season starts
For we have the most heartfelt wish
For those whose love we truly cherish.

IT’S SUCH A MILD CHRISTMAS

It’s such a mild Christmas
All the birds are singing noisily
Normally in December
They’re all frozen to a tree
MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 1

My worst Christmas present ever
I thought I would be lucky to receive
It was big and so full of possibilities
But it really flattered to deceive

Beneath the coloured paper
That hinted at hidden promise
It turned out to be a cardboard box
Containing only emptiness

My mum was watching me intently
And my disappointment hurt her
My cheapskate dad then told me
It was an Action Man deserter

ARE YOU SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER?

Are you Santa’s little helper?
Well you’re a proper little belter
I love the little pixie boots
And the red velvet dress really suits
The Santa hat looks very smart
The stripy stockings stir the heart
And I’d like to see your garters
But give me a kiss for starters

CANDY CANES, CINNAMON AND GINGER

Candy Canes,
Cinnamon and Ginger
Are some of my favourite
Christmas things
Especially when
They’re only wearing
Christmas Stockings
And Popcorn Strings

A SNOWMANS TALE

When I was very little
My dad and his brother
Built a huge snowman
Bigger than any other

He was as tall as Dad
And was round and fat
It had coal for eyes
And a big black hat

A scarf about its neck
For sartorial style
A large carrot nose
And a twig for a smile

Knobbly stick arms
With gloves at the end
A belt around its girth
Like a cummerbund

I loved that snowman
Standing so very tall
Until the eventual thaw
And I watched him fall

MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR

My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away

Christmas Poem Selection # 14

ARE YOU WEARING ELFIN EARS?

Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingely dell
With all the woodland creatures
ELF PRINCESS

I will be your elf princess
And I will be forever yours
So put on the red suit
And be my Santa Claus

WHAT WOULD I WISH FOR?

If I had a Christmas wish
What would I wish for?
Well that’s a good question
I’m not really sure
I'd wish for peace in the world
Yes I think that would do
No I’m only kidding
I would wish for you

FLAWLESS

You are fat and round
And your trousers are tight
Your nose is quite red
And your beard is white
Now all of the above
Might be considered flaws
But they’re not to me
As you are my Santa Claus

PANTER CLAUS

We’ll have a quiet night in
So let the festivities begin
I think it really is a thriller
To have you as a stocking filler
Do you think it shocking?
To want you in my stocking
But I’ll fill you with joy
If you’ll be my sex toy
I can be your secret Santa
You can be my sultry panter
A bit of festive rough and tumble
Ok then just a quick fumble
I thought you’d be up for a goose
They all said you were loose
Then you’re not a sure thing?
And you don’t swing?
No please don’t go home yet
I’m the best offer you’ll get
Sod it another quiet night in
Let the celibacies begin

THE FESTIVE INTERVAL

When celebrating
The festive interval
Please refrain from calling it
The winterval

SCROOGE LIKE

They say the perfect Christmas
Is blessed with family and friends
I say the fewer the better
Otherwise the present buying never ends

A SIMPLE GIFT

I’m hoping that this Christmas
I will get what I desire
I’m not that easy to please
I don’t ridiculously aspire

I don’t want the moon and stars
Or diamonds or pearls
Some perfume or cosmetics will do
I’m not one of those greedy girls

I just want something for me
Just a small thing, for me this year
But as always it will be something
For the house from IKEA

SHOPS IN THE HIGH STREET

Shops in the high street
Are full to overflowing
With irate customers
Franticly to-ing and fro-ing

The shopkeeper delights
While prices are rocketing
Happy in the knowledge
Of the profits he’s pocketing

And in his smug contentment
He rubs his hands with glee
“Merry Christmas you mugs
And a prosperous new year, for me”

RUSH AND SCURRY

Hurry, hurry shopping in Surrey
Hurry, hurry, rush and scurry
Worry, worry, fresh snow flurry
Hurry Murray rush and scurry
Let’s get home and have a curry

CHRISTMAS EVE AT THE HOSTELRY

The local hostelries are full
As they approach the brink
And raise their glasses high
For yet another festive drink
The season roundly toasted
Measured by each glasses chink
The next morning’s celebration
Will be a silent one I think

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing it for a reason?
Is it because of the festive season?
You won’t be kissed under the mistletoe
Because you’re wearing it too low

IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE

If you put Candy canes on the tree
And Popcorn on strings
Then let me give the kind of advice
That experience brings
Don’t pack them away after the
Bell of New Year rings
Otherwise next year they will be
Seriously unsavory things

IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE

In the Christmas village
At the North Pole
There is much excitement
Being kept under control
As there is to be an election
For every Elf and Troll
Votes can of course be cast
At the North Poll

WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES

We all played Charades
At the in laws on Boxing Day
My wife’s Uncle Jack
Really went for it I must say
We were really impressed
By his energetic display
It was ten minutes before we knew
His heart had given way

Christmas Poem Selection # 13

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Santa outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The boots and beard and hat
And padding to make you look fat
I didn’t believe in Santa anymore
Now I see you and I think phwor

I HATE JANUARY

I hate January
January I do not enjoy
It has no pleasure
It has no joy

Christmas is over
All the money has gone
5 weeks till payday
January is wrong

I love December
December has it all
December is the time
To have a ball

In fact December
Has too much fun
And not enough time
To get it all done

The Festivities
Leave us in a daze
There is too much
For 31 days

So the solution
Is a simple one
I can’t believe
It hasn’t been done

Get rid of January
No one likes it
Have two Decembers
Then everything will fit

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble

AFTER THREE WEEKS OR SO

After three weeks or so
Working in the grotto
It begins to take its toll
On the poor old soul
Sitting on his great chair
Pretending to care
As all the girls and boys
Plead for various toys
Kids of every shape and size
Looking for a prize
Clambering on his knee
Wriggling with glee
Until the poor old chap
Suffers from Santa lap

THE OFFICE PARTY

The office party
Was relief from the slog
When you spent your time
Hitting the nog
And hanging by the mistletoe
Hoping for a snog

I DON’T NEED THE FINEST GIFT

I don’t need the finest gift
I don’t need a Christmas wish
Because I’m already blessed
With a special Christmas dish

AT THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS BINGE

Well at the end of the year
Its managements’ biggest fear
That staff should infringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

After spiking the fruit punch
In the canteen after lunch
Their totally off their hinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The amount of alcohol downed
As many a sorrow was drowned
Made the accountant whinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The extent of the revelling
Was quite frankly bedevilling
Enough for his beard to singe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The things that a little party ho
Did beneath the mistletoe
Would make a puritan cringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

Karen from reception bless her
Botox-ed her face with vodka
With a catering syringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The level of fraternization
Was quite a revelation
And caused a few backs to twinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

You may well be forgiven
After the events which had arisen
That it was the lunatic fringe
At their annual Christmas Binge

Next day when the party was over
Everyone suffered from a hangover
And all took on an earthy tinge
The day after the Christmas binge

MY GIFT IS A SPECIAL LOVE

My gift is a special love
That lasts the whole year through
So if I had a Christmas wish
I would still wish for you

A SPRIG OF MISTLETOE

There hangs a sprig of Mistletoe
The first of the season I’ve seen
Its berries glowing like pearls
Amongst the tiny leaves of green

And below stands sweet Emily
Where hangs the Mistletoe above
Tied with red ribbon to the beam
And I claim a kiss from the girl I love

MY COMFORT AND SUCCOUR

Have a lovely Christmas
My companion and confident
My friend of friends,
My comfort and succour
Have a lovely Christmas
Soother of my soul
You are everything to me
Except my lover
Have a lovely Christmas
Occupant of my heart
My comfort and succour
My secret love

A WASTED WISH

Why would I make a Christmas Wish?
And hope that it would come true,
What on earth could I ever wish for?
That would be a tenth as good as you

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - FROSTY

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Frosty’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The carrot faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Frosty
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS

The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem

NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES

When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree

Christmas Poem Selection # 12

ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?

Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do

NOW THAT IT'S CHRISTMAS # 2

Now that it's Christmas
It makes me kind of glum
To do all the things
I used to do with mum
But when I feel her beside me
Then I don’t feel so glum

IT ISN’T SUPPED WITH ENDLESS BEERS

The magic of Christmas
Isn’t supped with endless beers
Nor is it to be expressed
Within vociferous cheers
The magic of Christmas
As through all the years
Is to be found in the company
Of your nears and dears

IF I GREW A BEARD OF WHITE

If I grew a beard of white
On the off chance that I might
Have a chance to advance my cause
By appearing to you as Santa Claus
And you would have you tell to me
As you sat upon my knee
What it is that you most desire
And to what hopes you most aspire
And if those secrets you told to me
You might find them beneath your tree

WE WENT TO A FAIRY TALE PARTY

We went to a fairy tale party
Which I thought was crappy
I ended up feeling grumpy
While my wife was feeling happy

THE LAST REINDEER

A reindeer walked into a pub,
And ordered a pint of beer.
The barman pulled a pint
And gave it to the reindeer,

The reindeer took the drink
And handed over a ten
He checked his change
Then he checked it again

The barman then said
"You’re the first reindeer
I think I’m right in saying
That we've had in here."

He delivered to the barman
A look, barely disguised
“To be honest at these prices
I'm really not surprised”

CHRISTMAS TRIMMINGS

Christmas planning is essential
Or else the festive ambience suffers
And you will not easily be forgiven
If you forget the stocking stuffer’s

BELLS AND SMELLS

Bells and smells
Bells and smells
Christmas all the way
Oh what fun it is to sing
Of the holy Christmas day

FAIRY TALE STATISTIC

Here’s a Statistic
That’s really crappy
6 out of 7 dwarves
Really aren’t Happy

LITTLE BOXES

Little parcels by the fireside
Little parcels wrapped in pretty paper
Little parcels by the fireside
Little labels all the same

There's a round one and a square one
And a long one and a squishy one,
And they're all wrapped in pretty paper
Little labels all the same

And the people in their houses
All sit beside the Christmas tree
And one un-wraps a pretty parcel
Then the others do the same

So the round one and the square one
And the long one and the squishy one,
That were all wrapped in pretty paper
Christmas presents is the name

GLIDING IN DESCENT

Gliding in descent
On gossamer wings
The angel of the lord
Rejoicing sings
A child is born
The king of kings

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH

Christmas day just after Lunch
My family, being a fun loving bunch
Engage enthusiastically one and all
In parlour games to enthral
At first the alcohol fuelled the fun
And a good time was had by everyone
However as the day wore on
With all self-control long gone
The games degenerate into farce
As an opponent is knocked on his arse
And the afternoon ends in tears
As it has done across the years
And dad makes his annual decree
“Games are forthwith banned” said he

MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR

My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - SANTA

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

Christmas Poem Selection # 11

ARE YOU WEARING A SPRIG OF MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing a sprig of mistletoe?
Are you hoping to meet a beau?
And kiss him passionately in the snow
An embrace to leave you all aglow
Is that why you wear the mistletoe?

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”

RUDOLF’S LOW SELF ESTEEM

Rudolf suffered
From low self esteem
Due to the red nose
It would seem

It rendered him useless
As a parcel carrier
So Santa made a call
To a reindeer whisperer

NOW THAT IT'S CHRISTMAS # 1

Now that it's Christmas
It makes me kind of sad
To do all the things
I used to do with Dad
But when I feel him beside me
Then I don’t feel so bad

JOY BRINGER, TOY BRINGER

Joy bringer
Toy bringer
He’s the real McCoy
For every girl and boy

NOT A THRIFT GIVER

Not a thrift giver
But a gift giver
Santa will forever
Have love to deliver

THIS IS OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS

This is our first Christmas
As husband and wife
The very first Christmas
Of our married life
This is our first Christmas
Together in our house
The very first Christmas
With my very own spouse

PUT ASIDE YOUR SADNESS

Put aside your sadness
Lose yourself in the madness
That is Christmas,
Come spend it with us
Come and you will see
That with cherished company
The season will be a little brighter
And the weight on your heart a little lighter

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF

Santa and his little Elf
Have been dismissed
For activities undertaken
When they were pissed
That got both of them
Put on the naughty list

HANDLE MUM WITH CARE

Mum gets really stressed out at Christmas
And you upset her if you dare
Because the result could be that you will
Be hung from the chimney with care

CHRISTMAS MANIA

Uncle John has mental health issues
And he doesn’t do well with stress
So normally come Christmas time
He has to board the bi-polar express

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?

Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise

I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

I went out Christmas shopping
But I didn’t get very far
Before I got caught shoplifting
As I stole an advent calendar
The shopkeeper had me arrested
Because of my larcenous ways
And for stealing an advent calendar
I got twenty five days

CRACKERS, FRUITCAKE AND NUTS

Crackers, fruitcake and nuts
They mean Christmas to me
Although to be honest, they
Could also describe my family

WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME

When Santa returned home
To have his tea
His wife was there
Waiting apprehensively
“There was a phone call for you”
Said Mrs. C
“It was a little garbled
And made no sense to me
Something about Saville
And Operation Yew tree”

Christmas Poem Selection # 10

ARE YOU WEARING PLAITS?

Are you wearing plaits?
Seriously though are you
You’re going to wear plaits
To the annual Christmas do

And dressed as a milk maid
Perhaps Scandinavian born
You look like you’re dressed
For 1970s porn

BOXING DAY MORNING

If you wake up and feel like hell,
And if you really feel quite unwell
Then that is the best way for you to tell
That you really did Christmas well

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY

Well I think it has happened
It is my darkest fear
Christmas is getting earlier
Each and every year

When I was at the mall today
I heard Bing Crosby croon
“White Christmas”
And it’s still only June

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

This is the happy season
Of peace and goodwill
And joy to the world
Let good rule over ill
Merry Christmas world
From here to Brazil
Joy to the entire world
For peace is Gods will

CHRISTMAS OVER INDULGENCE

There isn’t any doubt or question
What caused this awful indigestion?
It wasn’t the five course lunch
Or all the sweets we had to munch
It wasn’t the Lager the Stout or the Shandy
It wasn’t the Wine the Scotch or the Brandy
No the culprit with out any doubts
Was the obligatory spoonful of sprouts

BY CAR, BY PLANE, BY TRAIN

They make the journey each year
By car, by plane, by train,
Travelling across the miles
To spend Christmas at home again

I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS

I can’t wait until Christmas
I just want to let you know
You have all my love
This Christmas tied up with a bow

BLESSED IS THE HOLY SEASON

Blessed is the holy season
Jesus Christ is the reason
Let the garlands be unfurled
For a gift of love unto the world

WHEN THE GIFTS HAVE ALL BEEN OPENED

When the gifts have all been opened
And the season starts to wane
When December days have passed by
And a New Year starts again
Let’s pack away the decorations
But let the love and peace remain

THE CROWDS ARE BUSTLING

The crowds are bustling
On the busy Christmas streets
The throng is blustering
In search of Christmas treats
Tills are ringing out their Christmas song
In the markets and the shopping mall
Everyone gets a piece of the action
Street traders, vendors, buskers and all

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
I hear the bell chimes
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The best of all times
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The old and the new
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas to you

ALL ACROSS THIS COUNTRY

All across this country
All across this land
All across the world
His route is carefully planned

To keep ahead of the sun
To miss the no fly zones
Avoid the passenger planes
And steer clear of traffic cones

He must carefully time his mission
To a schedule carefully trialled
To ensure its full success
And not disappoint a single child

ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low

I LOVE THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS

I love the smells of Christmas
Like Cinnamon and Ginger
Roasted chestnuts piping hot

Gluhwein and Pine needles
So I feel sorry for the snowmen
As they can only smell carrot

CHRISTMAS

Christ the lord
Holy birth in Bethlehem
Regal child in David’s city
Infant of God
Sent from heaven above
To die for us
Messiah in a manger
Angelic miracle
Saviour of man

WE HAVE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WINE

We have the same Christmas wine
Every year on Christmas day
“I don't want any Brussels sprouts”
The family all shrilly say

Christmas Poem Selection # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA HAT?

Are you wearing a Santa hat?
A festive little “tit for tat”
Well it really does suit
In fact you look very cute
Are you wearing it for fun?
Or do you have it set at anyone?
I think it looks very twee
I wish you were wearing it for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

YOU’RE MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my very own Christmas delight.
Please stay with me tonight

REMEMBRANCE SHINES

Remembrance shines most
Bright, like the Christmas candle light,
During the Christmas rite

KEEP THE SPIRIT

Try to keep the spirit
Of Christmas true in your heart
Every day of the year

CHRISTMAS WISHES JUST FOR YOU

Christmas wishes just for you
Sent with love, tried and true
I send you love, I send you cheer,
I just wish we weren’t apart this year

MARIE CHRISTMAS

Marie Christmas
Loved the season
And she loved it
For a special reason

For it was the time
She would see her beau
As he flew his sleigh
Going ho ho ho

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

CHRISTMAS FELICITATIONS

Merry Christmas,
Good will to all men,
The festive season
Is with us once again,

The special holy day
Is growing very near
So Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year

COLD CHRISTMAS

I can’t believe you did it
How typically bold
Dumping me at Christmas
How awfully cold

Still on the bright side
I won’t have to strain and heave
Rushing to find a gift
For you on Christmas Eve

I won’t spend the season
Living like a monk
I’ll be very merry
If not drunk as a skunk

But I can’t believe you did it
It’s a really shitty thing to do
Dumping me at Christmas
How typical of you

It’s probably for the best
So I won’t shed a tear
Have a merry Christmas
And a really shit New Year

CHRISTMAS CARD SELECTION

I bought a bumper selection
Of Christmas cards today
One hundred assorted cards
A real bargain I would say

But not a shepherd or angel
Nor a stable, a star or a king
Not a holy word of praise
No Jesus, no God not a thing

I told my wife of my disgust
She said not to make a fuss
But they had managed to take
Christ out of Christmas

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1

Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season

GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT

Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even

SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG

Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley

Christmas Poem Selection # 8

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA SUIT?

Are you wearing a Santa Suit?
I have to say you do look cute
I wonder if there might just be
A little room in there for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

NEW BABY AT CHRISTMAS

Oh how our hearts melted
When you were born
A gift to us from God
Given on Christmas morn

STALKS AND STEMS

On a bed of haulm
In a stable bare
The son off God
Is laying there

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas
Married Santa Claus
She had some concerns
And decided to take pause
To discuss a pre-nup
Within the current laws
She was not concerned
With any character flaws
She just wanted the security
Of a get out Claus

THEY ARE THE THREE KINGS

There are three things
That Christmas brings
They are the three kings

Trimming and dec-king
Gratefully than-king,
And memory ma-king,

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

I DON’T WANT TO WISH YOU

I don’t want to wish you
A happy holiday
No that I will not say

I’m not going to wish you
A happy yuletide
No that I will not abide

I’m not going to wish you
A happy festive period,
No and the reasons are myriad

I’m not going to wish you
A happy winter festival
No, that isn’t suitable

I’m going to wish to you
A very happy Christmas
So have a very Happy Christmas

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

My Christmas gift to you
Is not wrapped up in coloured paper,
Tied with ribbon and bows
And hidden beneath the tree
It’s visible for all to see
It is written on my face
Like ink on parchment
It spills out from my heart
Like boiling milk from a pan
It emanates from my every pore
And surrounds us all
My Christmas gift to you
Is my never ending love

PS – there are gifts under the tree as well

A CHRISTMAS DREAM

It was just another dream
That I awoke from that morn
It was a very familiar dream
A regular one rather well worn

The theme was the same as usual
The dream was all about you
Just another stupid dream
That will never come true

But it wasn’t exactly the same
It was a variation on a theme
This time it had changed
It was a Christmas dream

But this time it felt so real
Will it ever come true?
This Christmas dream of mine
About spending Christmas with you

CHRISTMAS IS THE PERFECT TIME

Christmas is the perfect time
For the perfect Christmas rhyme
So when the bells of Christmas chime
Have the happiest Christmas time

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table

DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis

I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH

I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas

Christmas Poem Selection # 7

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing it for a reason?
That outfit for the Christmas season
Yes it does come around very soon
But you do realise that it’s only June

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 13

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling

IT’S ALL DOWN TO YOU

It’s all down to you
You are the number one
Thanks for everything
For another job well done
You’re the best of the best
Happy Christmas Mum

WITHOUT SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

Without Santa’s little helper
Christmas would be very hard
I don’t think I could do Christmas
Without my credit card

A WINTER BLUNDERLAND

Door bells ring, are you listening,
In the street, snow is glistening,
Out in the night,
There’s a hideous sight
Your mother in her winter underwear

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?

What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
“Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance”

CHRISTMAS SWEATER

My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell

For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater

I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate

It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it

She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate

She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto

ITS NOT THAT I’M ANTI SOCIAL

I won’t come to the pub
Thank you all the same
Not in celebration
No thanks I will refrain

I will go to church
Thank you all the same
To celebrate the day
That the Lord came

UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

Don’t worry that the little ones
Will be up at the crack of dawn
It is worth it to see the simple joy
In their eyes on Christmas morn

SOMETHING MAGICAL IS HAPPENING

Something magical is happening
Can you feel it?
Something special is on its way
You all love it

Christmas is coming and hearts
Are full to brimming
Because Christmas is abiding love
With all the trimmings

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care

SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC

So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus

AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH

After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasn’t milk and cookies
That made Santa’s taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Claus’s
Freshly made Crisp Cringle

THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD

There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad

Christmas Poem Selection # 6

ARE YOU WEARING ELFISH EARS?

Are you wearing elfish ears?
It’s a very interesting feature
Though more appropriate
On a woodland creature
And not really suitable
For one in your position
You are let me remind you
The leader of the opposition

SAD CHRISTMAS

There is a pain in my chest
Where my heart used to be
There are tears in my eyes
That are blinding me
Let the season pass
Without my participation
Christmas won't be merry
Is my sad anticipation

CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

She likes surprises
And at Christmas even more
So I do what I can
To give her surprises galore

Each year it gets harder
But I do what I can
This year I will tell her
I haven’t always been a man

THE SALVATION ARMY BELLS

The sound of Christmas really tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army bells
Calling out into the dark
Calling out to the heart
Ringing out in the throng
Singing out a heralding song
Give a little, not a lot
Give a little for their lot
They have little, but are not less
Give your coins and let them bless
A tale of generosity tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army’s bells

THE GLAD THE MAD AND THE BAD

Well it’s that time of year again
The time when we feign gladness
When we all get caught up
In the annual collective madness
The time of year when we pretend
The world is not full of badness

THE GIFT OF GIVING

Gift giving
Is in itself a gift
Get it right
And watch spirits lift
Get it wrong
And they’ll be miffed
And undoubtedly
You’ll get short shrift
It isn’t in every one
Not everyone is able
So be warned
As you wrap and label
That a turkey
May not be confined to the table

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Christmas spirit,
No matter what you might think
Doesn’t come in a bottle
It isn’t a drink
It cannot be supped
But can be consumed
But its presence
Cannot be presumed
It must be cherished
Where it is found
Respectfully nurtured
And then spread around

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry

CHRISTMAS FERN

Christmas ferns
Abundant and evergreen
With Pinnate leaves
In lance-shaped fronds
Dense clusters of
Featherlike leaflets
In wide display
Decorate the
Christmas landscape
Of North America

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
LET’S RAISE A GLASS TO MUM # 1

Let’s raise a glass to Mum
And I speak for us all when I say
You have triumphed once again
In your quiet efficient way
You have managed to conjure up
Another perfect Christmas day

ON A STILL CLEAR NIGHT

The shepherds rested in the firelight
When they were woken on a still clear night
By heavens choir hastening them
To go forth unto Bethlehem
The heavenly choir
Sang of Gods desire
To give the world his son
His one and only one
The choir continued to sing
And announced the birth of a king

MERRY, MERRY

The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”

A WINTER WONDERLAND

My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging in your winter underwear

OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER

Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team