Christmas 2015 # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Waistcoat?
Oh yes it’s a real crowd pleaser
But waistcoats are all rather Dickensian
It makes you look like Ebenezer

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”

THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS

To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas

WE WOKE UP EARLY ON CHRISTMAS DAY

We woke up early on Christmas day
And she reached for her negligee
While I checked the children’s room
And finding them asleep in the gloom
I held her in the first light of dawn
And we made love on Christmas morn

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee

GROPIUS THE EIGHTH DWARF

Gropius the eighth dwarf
Is no longer a performer
Since all the allegations
He’s on the offenders register

SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN

So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfies was the reason cited

MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS

My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do

Christmas 2015 # 8

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?

Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS

Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"

RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER

Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farce
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?

Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS

The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN

When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN

If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking

RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS

Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like

ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low

Christmas 2015 # 7

ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?

Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer

THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH

There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles

HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE

He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night

I LOVE CHRISTMAS PUDDING

I love Christmas pudding
But it doesn’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

WHEN MY LITTLE KITTENS SETTLE DOWN

When my little kittens settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little kitties dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Claws

THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE

The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho

SCROOGE HATES CHRISTMAS

Scrooge hates Christmas
But loves all of the reindeer
And the simple reason for that is
To him every buck is dear

THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST;

This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast;
A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness
Followed by being mostly drunk with
A very slight chance of unconsciousness

ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes

Christmas 2015 # 6

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?

Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole

I LOVE MINCE PIES AT CHRISTMAS

I love mince pies at Christmas
But they don’t return the favour
I wish you could get Gaviscon
In brandy butter flavour

ABANDONING THE NATIVITY

It’s ironic that schools
Are abandoning the nativity
When half a dozen Schoolgirls
Could play the Virgin Mary
Although they’re not virgins
They do have their own baby

SEE THE HAPPY FACES GLOWING

It’s Christmas time again
See the happy faces glowing
Putting love in every heart
Until they’re overflowing

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332

Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again

THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS

They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones

IT’S ONE OF LIFE’S INEVITABILITIES

It’s one of life’s inevitabilities that there will
Definitely come a time in every family residence
A moment when the children notice that Santa
Uses the same wrapping paper as their parents

MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus
Though he doesn’t fulfil a single wish
And he doesn’t give me presents
But he’s like Santa because he’s a myth

Christmas 2015 # 5

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?

Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get

A BLONDE GIFT

Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit

DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY

During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES

I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer

EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS

Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit

SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are

SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL

Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO

The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus

Christmas 2015 # 3

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia

ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?

Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?

I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM

I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint

DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY

Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas

THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed

WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart

Christmas 2015 # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?

I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY

I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang

A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR

A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED

Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh

I EAT EVERYTHING

I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings

Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”

Christmas 2015 # 2

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney

ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace

So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?

Christmas 2016 # 1

WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet

I REMEMBER THE TIME

I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause

FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE

Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year

I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!

REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT

Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it

IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY

In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you

CHRISTMAS PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents

FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON

For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve

A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1

That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays

WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS

When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow

Christmas 2015 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?

Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise

BAD SANTA # 1

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1

Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek

ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?

Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer

FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY

Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true

A Jamboree Bag of Christmas # 3

BRUMALIA

In the Roman Empire on the great day of December 25th, came the Brumalia or festival of the shortest day. A day of great religious significance for the sun-worshipers.
This day was also known as Natalis Solus Invicti or the "Birth of the Unconquerable Sun"
This was the time when the day began again to lengthen.
In the fifth century the Western Church ordered Christmas to be celebrated forever on the day of the old Roman feast of the birth of Sol.

SATURNALIA

Saturnalia was a period of the year that was one of great festivity for the pagan Romans.
The four day celebration of Saturnalia began on December 17th with the feast of the god Saturn, the Roman deity of seed and sowing.
"The Roman Saturnalia was characterized by processions, singing, lighting candles, adorning houses with laurels and green trees, giving presents."
Many of these have passed into modern day Christmas celebrations.
A major part of the pagan Saturnalia festival was ritual turning everything upside-down which abolished for a short while the distinction of ranks, a reversal of all order and dignities where slaves were served by masters, soldiers served by their officers, a tradition which is still carried out today in the British armed forces.

TOPSY TURVEY

A major part of the Romans pagan Saturnalia festival, the ritual turning everything upside-down and the temporary loss of the distinction of ranks, a reversal of all order and dignities where slaves were served by masters, soldiers served by their officers passed on into the British Christmas celebrations.
It was probable a remnant of the roman culture left behind when the great empire first shrunk and then fell.
The custom was carried out to great lengths at Christmastime in England during the middle Ages.
It was customary to appoint a "Lord of Misrule" or an "Abbot of Unreason" or even the 'Lord of Merry Disport' who presided over the blasphemous foolery and this appointment was normally made by a significant noble.
However in England an 'Abbot of Misrule' was chosen in every large household though in Scotland it was an 'Abbot of Unreason'.
During the thankfully short term of the festival he was the master of the house.
The church hierarchy frowned upon this Blasphemy but had to put a brave face on it.
Church leaders would certainly not approve of the fact that it was quite customary even for the clergy to indulge in the paganism.
Thankfully the early Puritans who witnessed the jolly antics of the grotesque fools abolished the practise, the only good thing they ever did, and when the puritans lost their power the practise was never revived.
There is still a tradition within the British Armed forces and the Metropolitan Police service where the lower ranks are served Christmas dinner by the officers but that is all that survives.

EPIPHANY

January 5th or twelfth night marks the climax of the Christmas season.
The twelve days of Christmas are counted from December 25th until twelfth night.
The season of Christmas begins with the first Sunday of Advent and concludes with Epiphany.
The period between Christmas day and epiphany is referred to as Christmastide.
Epiphany usually shares the white and gold, colours of Christmas denoting celebration, newness, and hope.
But epiphany has a much more significant meaning to the Christian as it marks the time when the magi were the first gentiles to acknowledge Jesus as "king" and this act of worship by the magi,
Was a message to the world that Jesus came for all people, of all nations, of all races, and of all faiths.

GLUHWEIN

Gluhwein is a traditional German mulled wine served containing cloves to warm against the bitter winter days.
It is traditionally served at the many German outdoor Christmas markets to keep the customers warm and full of Christmas cheer.

THREE KINGS DAY

Three Kings Day is celebrated on January 6th, twelve days after Christmas and is the last day of the Christmas season.
Three Kings Day or Día de los Reyes is Also known as The Epiphany, the Christian celebration commemorating the Biblical story of the three kings Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar who followed the star of Bethlehem to bring gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh to the Christ child.
Traditionally in Spanish speaking countries, Three Kings Day is the time for gift-giving, rather than Christmas day.
In some regions it IS customary for children to leave their shoes out on the night of January 5 hoping the Three Kings will be generous, the children’s shoes will often be filled with hay for the Kings camels.
When the Spanish children wake on January 6 they find the hay has gone and their shoes are filled with toys and gifts.

TRADITIONAL GLUHWEIN RECIPE

Ingredients:
1 bottle red wine
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
2 cloves
2 sticks of cinnamon
Orange and lemon peel

Instructions:
With the exception of the wine boil all ingredients together and reduce the volume by half.
Remove from the heat Strain and then add the Wine.
Return to the heat bringing the mixture to the boil but not boiling.
Remove from the heat and Serve hot.

TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS PUNCH RECIPE

Ingredients:
2 pints of water
8oz sugar
Half a bottle of rum
Half a bottle port
The juice and rind of 3 lemons
1 sliced apple
1 sliced orange
Grated nutmeg
Instructions:
Add the sugar and lemon rind to the water in a saucepan and boil. Remove from the heat and when cool strain before adding the rum, port and lemon juice.
Decant into large a pre-warmed punch bowl and float the sliced apple and orange on the top and finally sprinkle with nutmeg.

CHRISTMAS ALE

Most brewers will produce a robust and full bodied winter ale in time for the Christmas festivities.
It will be called Winter Warmer, Christmas ale, Winter ale or any combination of all the above.
In the 21st century when all the bars are stocked with many and various insipid imported lagers and the infamous Alco pops I just hope the brewers continue producing the traditional Christmas tipple

A Jamboree Bag of Christmas # 2

TREE WORSHIP

Many of our modern Christmas customs are carried over from pre-Christian celebrations.
Hanging gifts on trees is purported to stem from the ancient Druids tree worship, and the belief that the tree was the giver of all things good.

AFTER THE REVOLUTION

After the French Revolution and the Monarchy was overthrown the new republican government banned Midnight Mass and as a result the people were denied access to the Church crèches.
Though I support of the revolution The people of Marseilles were not best please with this decision as they were particularly fond of the church Crèche and as the revolutionaries had denied them access to the church they created "public crèches" these were produced by individuals but displayed for all to see.

FAMILY CRÈCHES

The original Crèches in Provence date back to the 17th century, when the few bas-reliefs evolved into carved wooden figures.
They were mainly restricted to aristocratic and middle class homes.
The family crèche became even more widespread and some of them contained up to 40 different characters.
Even before decorated Christmas trees became the custom, the crèche already had pride of place in French people’s homes.

SANTONS

Santons are clay figurines that depict the characters of the nativity and were used in church crèches and later in family crèches.
The name Santon comes from the Provencal word "santoùn" or little saint.
The first Santons were modelled in wax by religious orders.
Then later they were made of clay found in the region of Marseilles and Aubagne.
When the French settled on the American continent they took Santons with them and they are an integral part of Christmas in Canada and Louisiana.

CHRISTMAS CACTUS

The Christmas cactus, native to Brazil, is a popular winter-flowering houseplant.
It has no symbolic or religious connection to Christmas.
The come in a wide variety of colours from red and purple to pink and cream.
Its only reason for being called the Christmas cactus is that it is in flower over the Christmas period.

EGGNOG

Eggnog is a tradition that arrived in America from Europe although not in its current form.
In Europe there were many milk and wine punches served at festive times however once in America Rum was used as a substitute for wine.
There seems to be a difference of opinion as to how the Colonial American Milk punch became known as Eggnog.
One theory is that as Rum was commonly known as "grog" and the punch contained Egg the name derived from the description of the drink, "egg-and-grog".
This would have been corrupted to egg'n'grog and then eventually to eggnog.
Another theory claims that the "nog" in eggnog stems from the word "noggin". A noggin being a crude small carved wooden mug often used in low taverns.
So if you have an egg drink in a noggin the drink becomes eggnog.
The final theory is a mixture of the previous two and so claims that eggnog was originally called "egg and grog in a noggin".
They all seem equally unconvincing but without a doubt the jury is still out on the last one I think.
Eggnog is still a popular drink during the holidays today and it’s hard to imagine a Christmas without a cup of the "Eggnog" to spice up a gathering and lend merriment and joy to the proceedings.

THE KISSING BOUGH

The kissing bough was made out of mistletoe, holly, ivy, and any other available evergreens.
It was shaped into a double hoop and had bright streamers flowing from the top and was decorated with apples, pears, ribbons, and lighted candles.
Anyone found under the bough, as with mistletoe, was to be kissed without delay.
The kissing bough was very popular in England but its heyday was before the arrival of the Christmas tree.

TRADITIONAL EGGNOG RECIPE

Ingredients:
4 Large eggs
2 floz. Jamaica Rum
8 oz. Granulated Sugar
8 floz. Un skimmed Milk
8 floz. Single Cream
1 pint Whiskey

Instructions:
Separate the eggs and then beat the yolks and whites separately before pouring them into a bowl together.
Add other ingredients and mix well then pour into a suitable container for serving.
Keep Refrigerated until ready to serve and sprinkle with nutmeg.

THE MUMMERS AND THE LORD OF MISRULE

In medieval England the Lord of Misrule played a major part in the Christmas festivities.
He led the many holiday activities and wielded real power even over the King.
The Lord of Misrule was appointed by the King and his nobles to reign for the Twelve Days of Christmas.
The chosen man was usually had wisdom enough not to abuse his position of power when dealing with the nobility and when instructing the mummers, a traveling band of rowdy players, whom h controlled out on the streets.
Much of the custom surrounding the Lord of Misrule and the Mummers had parallels with the Roman Saturnalia, during which masters and slaves changed places, with general rowdiness abounding.
The Mummers were a rowdy traveling band of players who roamed the streets in costume performing plays, songs and generally doing as the Lord of Misrule bad them.
While mainly being restricted to the streets they would at times burst into churches and disrupt services and generally carouse around.
They would perform classic Mummer's plays and like carollers, would often perform in exchange for Christmas goodies.
When the Puritans under Oliver Cromwell came to power, they banned the Lord of Misrule and the Mummers.
Although the monarchy restored many of the Christmas traditions outlawed by Cromwell, the Lord of Misrule and the Mummers remained outlawed and never again enjoyed the freedom and popularity they had in medieval England.

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

December 8TH has been observed as a Roman Catholic feast in commemoration of the Immaculate Conception since1854.
It was in that year that Pope Pius IX made an official declaration that the term "Immaculate Conception" refers to neither the conception of Jesus nor to a virgin birth.
Pope Pius IX further decreed the term "Immaculate Conception" refers to a specific doctrine of Roman Catholicism decreeing that the Virgin Mary was preserved free from original sin by divine grace from the moment of her conception.

A Jamboree Bag of Christmas # 1

CHRISTINGLE

Christingle has its origins in Eastern Europe and The Christingle Service is a Service of candle lights where very many years ago people gathered in the street, sang carols and collected gifts to help the less fortunate in the community.

It is a beautiful candle light service of hymns, carols, recitations and bible readings, but Christingle goes beyond a candle light service and it tells a story. A story is told with the symbolic use of the following items:
An orange representing the world.
A red ribbon tied around the orange to symbolize the blood of Jesus shed for his people.
Tooth picks decorated with dried fruits and sweets are placed at the four corners of the orange representing all the people of the world. A lighted candle in the centre of the orange represents the light of Christ to the world.

THE SPIRIT OF SCROOGE

Every year as a token of their gratitude the people of Norway present Britain with a 70 foot Christmas tree which stands in Trafalgar square.
However the tree has not always been received in the same spirit as it was given at times the discord has soured the season of goodwill.
In 1960 Westminster City Council wanted to charge the Norwegians for the electricity used to light the tree but thankfully Parliament intervened.
While In 1980 the very same council tried to stop the tradition altogether by refusing to accept the tree in an attempt to save the £5,000 cost.
Good sense again prevailed and now the costs are met by the Greater London Authority.
Other bureaucrats have tried to interfere and spoil Christmas this time from Brussels and they complained about the breaking of import restrictions.
The tree has also over the years suffered physical damage, on a number of occasions from high winds and on one occasion it was attacked with a chain saw by anti-war protestors.
In 1987 protesters actually chained themselves to the tree although I don’t know what their cause was.

BAVARIA

In the Roman Catholic areas of southern Germany, such as in Bavaria, Sankt Nikolaus still appears with a flowing beard and a bishop's staff.
In preparation of his arrival Houses are given a thorough clean and children shine their shoes or boots.
The children put a letter to St Nicholas along with carrots for his white horse in their shoes and these are left either by the children’s bed or on a window sill. During the night Sankt Nikolaus goes from house to house visiting the children and if they have been good, he fills, shoe or boot with delicious fruits, nuts and sweets but if they have been bad they may only find potatoes, coal, or twigs.

PICTURE WINDOW

The Germans love to decorate their homes at Christmas and one of the favourite forms of German decoration is for the window.
The decoration consists of a small wooden frames holding a picture made from coloured glass or plastic with an electric candle light behind it.
These lights look very beautiful when viewed from outside at night.

ADVENTSKRANZ

A popular German Christmas decoration is an Adventskranz which consists of a wreath of leaves with four candles.
Advent which means 'coming' is the 4 week period before Christmas and on each Sunday of Advent, another candle is lit.

DER WEIHNACHTSMANN

In Germany Der Weihnachtsmann or Father Christmas brings presents in the late afternoon on Christmas Eve after people return home from church they find the presents under the Christmas tree.
One person in the family will ring a bell and call everyone to come to the room.

THE SPECIAL CHILDREN'S SAINT

In Austria St. Nicholas is the special children's saint and he is honoured throughout Austria because It is said that God rewarded Nicholas for his generosity by allowing him to return to earth each year to bring gifts to all the good children.

THE NATIVITY SCENE

The nativity scene with the baby Jesus Christ laying in the manger surrounded by Mary, Joseph the shepherds and the wise men has long been a favourite Christmas decoration. It has been used for centuries to bring the story of Christmas alive.
It was Francis of Assisi who instituted the custom of the nativity scene after receiving permission from the pope.
Who was renowned for his love of animals, so at Christmas in 1224 he erected the first nativity scene in a cave outside the town of Greccio in Italy.
It did not resemble the type of scene you might see nowadays it was not a hand crafted nor mass-produced but a live scene.
Parishioners played the parts much as children do in the school nativity plays today.
People would gather to watch the spectacle and Francis stood in front of the manger reciting the appropriate gospel followed by a sermon.

BUSINESS CARD

The first Christmas card was printed in England in 1843, for a busy man called Sir Henry Cole.
Because he was such a busy man he wanted to save some of the time he had to spend on his Christmas correspondence.
However his motive was not merely to ease the burden of his letter writing he was also a tremendous advocate of the slowly expanding postal system.
Sir Henry Cole’s first commercial Christmas card sold 1000 copies at one shilling each.
But it was not until the 1860s that card production accelerated with the advent of cheaper printing methods.
Then in 1870 a half penny stamp for sending cards was introduced by the Post Office.

SANS DAY CAROL

The "Sans Day Carol," is a traditional carol from Cornwall.
The carol focuses on the aspects of the holly's symbolism in the form of the different coloured berries.
Red berries represent the blood of Jesus and white berries symbolize his purity.
Green berries represent the cross upon which Christ was crucified and black symbolize his death.

The Silver Tinsel Tree

Being born in the late fifties I have few recollections of that austere decade, almost all of my earliest memories are from the brasher, brighter and less restrained sixties.
As a result my early memories of Christmas are of a bright and sparkly time when paper chains and the watery colours of paper stars, bells and balls were being replaced by foil and tinsel.
Hence the Silver Tinsel Christmas Tree, looking back it was a quite unspectacular specimen of a tree compared to what’s on offer nowadays, but we loved it.
It stood less than 5 feet tall with its fold down tinsel covered wire branches tipped with red beads to symbolise berries.
However by the time Dad had worked his not inconsiderable magic and covered it with every size, shape and shade of bauble, glass birds with feathered tails, lantern lights, strands of brightly coloured tinsel, chocolate treats and tiny crackers lain on the branches it was transformed and was absolutely stunning,
It was the only tree I ever knew until my teenage years came to an end when in the mid-seventies I suggested we have a real tree just for a change.
I would never have suggested it if I had realised that it would signal the death knell of the Silver Tinsel Tree as the following year it was replaced by a green plastic tree more akin to those of today.
After my Dad died a few years later the task of decorating the tree fell to me I realised sadly that I hadn’t inherited his tree dressing skill and was never able to equal him.
I came close one year, in 1983 but I think in the end I merely flattered to deceive, the task has fallen to my wife for the past 24 years, she makes a far better fist of it then I ever could.
Whether she possesses the necessary skill to transform a Silver Tinsel Tree however we will never know.

Boxing Day Confessions from a Bus Shelter

"I have a confession to make," she said.
"Oh?” What?" I asked her "Are you married?”
"Not that I remember" she replied "I would hope if I were I wouldn’t be standing in a bus shelter kissing another man”
It was Boxing Day and we were on our way to the “Grapes”. And the reason we were on our way there was because they showed live football in the bar and United were playing Liverpool.
I was a Man Utd fan and it was an important match.
Well to be honest it was always an important match when we played Liverpool.
She could have been married for all I knew. I hadn’t known her long and we’d only had our first date on Christmas Eve and so there was a lot I didn’t know about her.
Her name was Billi Ridgway and she was new to the village, her family had moved in to the house next door to my parents, two weeks before Christmas from somewhere in Cheshire.
I liked the look of her from the first minute and asked her out but it took me almost 2 weeks before I wore her down.
So we were on our way to the pub on Boxing Day when we stopped for an intimate interlude in the bus shelter.
It was kind of an instant attraction thing, certainly for me, and since the first attraction had gradually deepened and now I was head over heels in love with her.
"What then?"
"I’ve been dreading saying this” she said
I was really worried now I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
Billi took a deep breath and I braced myself
“I’m a Liverpool supporter” she said and closed her eyes and grimaced
It took a moment for the full implications of her statement to sink in.
“I think I would have preferred it if you were married” I said
She moved close in to me and asked
“Do you mean you would prefer a married woman to be in love with you rather than a Liverpool supporter?”
“She loved me” I said to myself and I wasn’t sure if that shocked me more than the fact she supported Liverpool.
"I'm sorry," she said "Not much of a Christmas present for my new boyfriend I’m afraid"
She couldn't have been more wrong. It was the perfect Christmas
present.
Billi Ridgeway loved me.

The Avuncular and the Christmas Stocking

Three months had passed since Hannah Castle and I had made love in my room at the Cleddau Bridge Hotel and two days short of three months since she said she wasn’t sure we could be together.
Not that she didn’t love me or enjoy being with me, and I can say without being boastful that it wasn’t because she didn’t enjoy making love with me.
Nor did she think it was a mistake, a moment of madness or because she had drunk too much.
“I don’t regret it for a second” she said as we lay entwined beneath the duvet “I just have doubts”
Hannah just wasn’t sure if she could or should give over her heart, soul and life to a man 12 years older than herself.
I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed and I wasn’t happy about it but I wasn’t angry with her in fact I agreed with her to a point,
And I wanted her to be sure as well.
After all I had no words to convince a 29 year old woman to give her life to a man the wrong side of 40.
And nor would I have wished to use them if they were in my possession.

“I love you Tom but I just have to be certain sure” she said the moment before she drove away.
It was heart-breaking to watch her drive away because I had no such doubts.
For me that first night together was the blissful culmination of eight years of hope and desire.
Not just the love making but to hear my declaration of love returned in word and delicious deed.
It had been pretty much love at first sight for me, but then she was a beautiful sight to behold.
For her it was a more gradual falling and one that she desperately fought against tooth and claw whereas I simply surrendered to her.

Even before our chance meeting at the hotel Hannah had agreed to take a three month secondment in Milford Haven where she could be close to her sister and the twins so she suggested they take that time to think.
And in that time she would either get over me or know for certain sure I was the one.

While she was away I convinced myself almost on a daily basis that it was over and rightly so I thought at times.
If the worst came to the worst I consoled myself with the thought that I would always have the memory of that wonderful weekend when my love for her was finally validated.
In my darkest moments I did question if it was a moment of madness that brought Hannah to my bed.
I was glad for that madness if that’s what it was.
Though if Hannah did resolve that it was a mistake and it was over he would at least have the memory of that wonderful weekend to sustain him forever.
I prefer to think it was fate that brought us together on that wonderful weekend.

I would have liked to have exchanged the occasional text or email with her but Hannah had asked for total separation.
All I could do was throw myself into my work totally and fill my every waking moment with thoughts of anything and everything that wasn’t her.
Impossible of course but if in the unlikely event that I could exclude her from my thoughts I couldn’t stop her invading my dreams.
When I slept I dared to dream, so in the small hours of the sleepless night I resorted to the only thing that prevented me from being driven insane.
I wrote in a diary, I called it a dream diary, it was where I wrote every detail, every thought that filled my troubled sleep nightly, thoughts of love for the girl of my dreams.
The closer the end of the three months got the more intense the dreams became and evermore vivid with each passing day.

It was the day before Christmas Eve when I got the long awaited phone call, I took a deep breath and hit the button.
“Hello, Tom Flood” I said
“Hey Tom” she said
“Hannah?” I asked “God it’s good to hear your voice”
“Ditto” Hannah replied “Where are you?”
“I’m in London” I replied “Are you still in Milford Haven?”
“No I’m back home” she replied “When are you back?”
“Tonight” I replied
“Can we meet?” Hannah asked
“Yes” I said “Have you made a decision?”
“Yes I have” she replied
“And?” I enquired trying to keep the anxiety out of my voice
“I don’t want to say on the phone” she answered “I want to do it face to face”
“Ok” I said not knowing if that meant it would be good or bad
“Come to the house tonight” I said
“What time?” she asked
“Around seven” I replied “Let yourself in if I’m late, you know where the key is”
“Ok, I’ll see you tonight then Tommy” she said
“Ok, bye”

The journey out of London was an absolute mare and consequently I was late and it was nearly 8 o’clock when I drove onto the drive.
Since her phone call my stomach had been in absolute knots and arriving home late didn’t untangle it in the least.
The lights were on in the house so Hannah had let herself in I only hoped she was still there and hadn’t got tired of waiting.
As I sat in the pre-Christmas traffic I tried to ring her to warn her of my delay but my phone died.
So I sat on the drive trying to summon up the courage to go in, I was so desperate to know her answer but equally terrified of what it might be, yes or no.
“Yes” meaning she was sure and she would give all of herself to me unreservedly
Or “No” and we would never be together.
I reran the earlier conversation in my head and tried to read between the lines to find some hidden meaning or some indication as to her decision.
I slowly opened the door and stepped in.
“Hi Hannah” I called “I’m sorry I’m late, traffic was hell”
No answer, she must have got fed up of waiting after all.
“Shit” I exclaimed and took off my coat but as I hung it on the peg in the hall I noticed an unfamiliar coat already hanging there.
“She is here” I said
But where? Where was she exactly?
I hung my coat and walked into the lounge and that’s when I knew.
I knew because I saw the black stockings hanging from the mantel anchored beneath a Christmas candle so I knew where to find her.
And stood on the mantel next to the candle was a Christmas card
I opened it and read the words
“Happy Christmas Tommy
All my love
Hannah”
Beneath her signature there appeared to be an abundance of the obligatory small x’s but on closer examination each kiss was in fact the word “Yes”
And so I had my answer and my dreams were fulfilled.

The Girl in the Maternity Dress

Holly walked around the lounge talking to the customers as was her usual habit.
She had a less graceful gait than she used to but Steve still felt a great sense of pride that he was her husband and Holly was pregnant, very pregnant.
It was two years since they had met and she had changed the course of his life entirely.

It was Christmas again and Steve Berry had always had a dislike for it, despite all the jollity.
Unlike many of his Christmas mad friends he’d had no happy Christmas memories to anesthetise him against the season.
His childhood Christmases were memories he would rather have forgotten.
So he never trusted Christmas, he believed that shit lurked beneath the coloured lights and paper chains.
That was until Holly Davis opened his eyes to new possibilities and he realised that Christmas could also magnify joy and Steve had been cured of his Christmas phobia.

Due to Holly, Steve had found himself working behind the bar in her Uncle Phil’s pub, the Pig and Whistle.
He was still, even to that day uncertain quite how she managed to affect that, but affect it she did and during the ten days working for her she had turned his life upside down and it culminated in him wishing her a Merry Christmas and kissing her at closing time.
He had thought the kiss on Christmas Eve might be the start of something.
Judging by the way Holly responded to it but it didn’t lead anywhere immediately.
Holly had responded to his advance and in fact had been hopeful of it but she knew it was far too soon to throw caution to the wind.
The effects of the kiss proved to be a slow burner which didn’t burst into flames until the early hours of New Year’s Day

The two years since had been very eventful, they became partners in January, engaged at Easter and Married in September.
However it wasn’t only Steve and Holly’s fortunes that had changed over the preceding two years since they had met but so had those of the Pig and Whistle.
It had gone from a rundown dive to a thriving pub with a growing reputation as a gastro pub.
The restaurant had always been busy right from the outset but when Steve and Stephanos were in the kitchen it was good pub grub and no more because they didn’t have the repertoire to take it to the next level.
However since Steve and Holly had returned from their New Forest honeymoon the previous year with Chef Simon Clarke the restaurant had really taken off.
Simon had been working at the same country house hotel that the Berry’s were staying at as a sous chef for an arrogant sadistic bully.
Now he was a Chef in his own right and Steve and Stephanos had grown as cooks under him.
So this contributed to the general business that night.
It was Christmas Eve and Holly, despite being told to rest by Steve and everybody else was doing her usual walkabout as hostess and as Steve looked at her he sighed because he was so in love with that girl in the maternity dress.

Just like Christmas Eve two years before it was snowing, not as hard, but enough not to want to make any unnecessary journeys.
She had had a twinge or two which she just laughed it off, she said the baby had been really active all day.
“She’s dancing to the Christmas songs” she said to Steve “she really likes the Puppini Sisters”
But by 9 o’clock in the evening it was obvious the twinges were more than Christmas Dancing and she was having contractions.
Luckily Clare Andrews was dining in the restaurant with friends
“Get Doc Andrews” he said to Petra
“Ok” she replied and ran off while Steve and one of the regulars helped Holly in the private room at the back of the bar.

“Where is she?” The doctor asked
“In here” Steve called
Dr Andrews threw her car keys to Petra
“Can you get my bag from the car please?”
“Yes doc” she replied
“Ooooooh” Holly exclaimed through gritted teeth “that was a big one”
After Dr Andrews examined her she said
“She’s definitely in labour”
“I’ll call an ambulance” Steve suggested
“No she’s too far along” Clare said “the baby is going to be born here, and soon”
“I’d be happier if we got her to hospital” Steve said
“So would I” Dr Andrews replied
“But she’ll never make it to the hospital”
“She’s really too close?” Steve asked
“Yes” Clare replied “so under the circumstance, here is going to have to do”
“Upstairs it is then” Steve said “but the first sign of an angel and three wise men and were calling an ambulance”

This was certainly different to previous Christmases’ he thought to himself as Steve looked out the door as he said goodnight to the last customers it was still snowing but still not hard.
He locked the doors and went back to where the staff were sitting, no one wanted to go to bed until the baby had been born.
So they sat around a table in the bar until half past one when Noelle Clare Berry was born.
Trust Holly Berry to have the baby on Christmas Day.

The Girl in the Green Dress

The Girl in the Green Dress (Part One)

Steve Berry had always had a dislike for Christmas, despite all the jollity and faux fun because unlike many of his Christmas mad friends he had no happy Christmas memories to anesthetise him against the season.
His parents were alcoholics and each year their Christmas came in a bottle and thanks to his father Steve’s came with a slap.
So his childhood Christmases were memories he would rather have forgotten.
But adulthood brought no relief and it always seemed to him that when shit happens Christmas just magnifies the misery.
If someone dies at Christmas the very season makes it more keenly felt.
He could testify to that as his mother died on Christmas Eve when he was 19.
He has no idea where his father is and quite frankly he doesn’t care.
He never showed up for the funeral and he could be dead as well for all he knew.
So as a result he has never trusted Christmas, he knows that shit lurks beneath the coloured lights and paper chains.
That was until Holly Davis opened his eyes to new possibilities and he realised that Christmas could also magnify joy.

But it wasn’t just Christmases that held horrors in his past so did
New Year’s Eve.
Steve wasn’t big on New Year’s Eve, it was not a time that held any deep significance for him
He found the whole idea of it rather pointless, why did people make such a fuss over going from one year to the next.
That would have been reason enough for him to dislike it, far apart from the personal memories it evoked.
It was one New Year’s Eve when he was six years old that his parents locked him in his room while they went off on a three day bender.
But he had decided to try and put that behind him and with Holly’s help he was hopeful that he might.
Since the first day he met her she had helped to tame his demons.
It all began when Holly temporarily took over running her uncles pub, the Pig and Whistle a week and a half before Christmas, Steve had got blind drunk and ended up spending the night in the lounge bar.
When he woke up the next morning she produced a contract he had signed the night before agreeing to work for her until New Year’s Eve.
Despite his initial misgivings he had thoroughly enjoyed it and he was still uncertain as to how she managed it, but during the ten days working for her she had turned his life upside down and it culminated in him wishing her a Merry Christmas and kissing her at closing time on Christmas Eve.
They were then snowed in at the pub for Christmas day and after exchanging presents they kissed again.
In the week that followed there was good deal more kissing as day by day the headed inexorably towards New Year’s Eve.
But he had a sense of foreboding as his normal dislike for the occasion was magnified this year because it marked the final day of his contract at the Pig and Whistle and could also mark the end of Holly’s Tenure at the pub and maybe their budding relationship.

Although he didn’t like it, it was a good earner for the pub and as the takings had not been optimised on Christmas Eve due to the snow added to the fact that the figures had been disappointing in the interim as well so a good New Year’s Eve was vital.
With this in mind Holly and Steve had been at the Cash and Carry all afternoon stocking up on vital supplies.
“Right that’s the lot Hon” she said
“Are you sure that’s enough?” Steve asked facetiously
“That’s enough lip from you” she said and kissed him.
And that simple kiss, a symbol of their familiarity, was a milestone moment for although they had kissed many times in that week since Christmas Eve they had only ever kissed when they were alone and certainly never in public.
“If we sell that lot tonight I’ll be over the moon” she said although there wasn’t any chance that that might actually happen even if they did have an extension until 1.00am.
Steve normally spent New Year’s Eve at home in his flat, watching a DVD and hiding from the world.
But this year was going to be very different.

The Girl in the Green Dress (Part Two)

At least on New Year’s Eve there were none of the annoyingly jolly Christmas songs there was only one annoying New Year’s song and that was usually confined to midnight.
There was a steady trade in the bar, far more than Christmas Eve, but not exactly record breaking numbers, and most of the supplies they had bought earlier would remain unsold.
But just after 9 o’clock the numbers swelled and continued swelling until the place was absolutely banging.
There were seven of them working that night but on six at any one time behind the bar and they were rushed off their feet.
The staff and a hard core of the regulars were in fancy dress. Debbie was a French maid, Stephanos was in a toga, Clare was a witch, Ausra was a Gypsy, Petra was a clown and Steve was a pirate.
While Holly, as was her custom, was dressed immaculately as the Emerald Lady in a wonderful green dress adorned with a garland of holly leaves and around her neck was the holly leaf pendant that Steve gave her for Christmas.
By the end of the night he had to admit that he hadn’t enjoyed a New Year’s Eve more even though his feet were killing him.
When the last of the punters had been ushered out the door and the bolt shot at 1.25 am, Holly said
“Thank God for that, put the kettle on” and then she kicked off her shoes.
Everyone pulled together and gathered up all the glasses and cleared them to the kitchen and then Steph and Clare brought out the drinks on a tray
“Where are the others?” Holly asked
“They’re loading the glasses into the machine” Clare replied “You know what Steve’s like”
“Tell them not to worry” she said “We’ll do it in the morning”
Holly frowned and then corrected herself
“We’ll do it in later this morning”
So they all sat together drinking their tea and coffee and laughing at the exploits of one or two of the more enthusiastic punters.
Very soon there was only Holly and Steve left
“Do you want another tea?” he asked
“I’d rather have a proper drink” she replied “You could join me if you’re staying over”
He nodded and went behind the bar and returned shortly with two glasses of wine.”
As they sat together drinking she said
“My feet are so sore”
“Put them up here” he said tapping his knee “I’ll rub them for you if you want”
“Oh yes please” she said and put both stocking feet on his knee
“Hold up” he said “one at a time”
“Oh that’s really lovely” she said as Steve began massaging he little foot
And that was as all he got out of her for the next twenty minutes until he was halfway through her other foot when she said.
“You’re a free man now”
“What do you mean?” Steve asked
“The contract” she said
“It was only up to and including New Year’s Eve it’s now New Year’s Day so you are free to return to your old life”
“Good” he said sharply and Holly baulked at the force of the word.
“Because now I am here because I want to be”
And Holly’s face broke into a broad smile and she kissed him

They made love for the first time in the early hours of New Year’s Day and as they lay entwined in the semi darkness Holly said.
“We make a good team, we could run this place together”
“What about Phil?” Steve asked
“Ah I may have misled you regarding Uncle Phil” she confessed
“In what way?”
“He’s not coming back” she said
“Why not?” Steve asked
“He’s ill” Holly replied sadly
“How ill?”
“The “won’t see another Christmas kind” of ill”
“Oh” he responded “so he’s not on holiday?”
“No” she admitted “I am in the process of buying the pub from him”
“That’s a big step” he said
“I know” she agreed “but I have years of experience in Hospitality and you’re a good accountant”
“So you only want me for my numeracy” he said
“No I want you for your foot rubs” Holly corrected him
“Ok then it’s a deal” he said and sealed it with a kiss.
Which was a prelude to them making love again.
But Steve paused briefly and said
“You do realize what would happen if we were to marry?”
“What’s that?” she said pleasantly surprised that his thoughts had already strayed to the question of marriage
“You would become Holly Berry”
“I could live with that” she said and brought the discourse to a passionate conclusion.

The Girl in the Christmas Dress

The Girl in the Christmas Dress (Part One)

Steve Berry had always had a dislike for Christmas, despite all the jollity and faux fun because unlike many of his Christmas mad friends he had no happy Christmas memories to anesthetise him against the season.
His parents were alcoholics and each year their Christmas came in a bottle and thanks to his father Steve’s came with a slap.
So his childhood Christmases were memories he would rather have forgotten.
But adulthood brought no relief and it always seemed to him that when shit happens Christmas just magnifies the misery.
If someone dies at Christmas the very season makes it more keenly felt.
He could testify to that as his mother died on Christmas Eve when he was 19.
He has no idea where his father is and quite frankly he doesn’t care.
He never showed up for the funeral and he could be dead as well for all he knew.
So as a result he has never trusted Christmas, he knows that shit lurks beneath the coloured lights and paper chains.
That was until Holly Davis opened his eyes to new possibilities and he realised that Christmas could also magnify joy.

He had found himself working behind the bar in her Uncle Phil’s pub, the Pig and Whistle.
He was still uncertain quite how she managed to affect that, but affect it she did and during the ten days working for her she had turned his life upside down and it culminated on Christmas Eve with him wishing her a Merry Christmas and kissing her at closing time.
Judging by the way Holly responded Steve hoped that kiss on Christmas Eve might have been the start of something but alas for him it didn’t lead anywhere.
Holly had indeed responded to his advance and in fact had been hoping for it but she knew it was far too soon to throw caution to the wind.
There were scabs as yet unpicked regarding Steve Berry that needed to be attended to before she completely let down her guard.
Holly considered him to be a work in progress she thought he had potential but he still needed work but there was certainly hope for him.

The other event that occurred on Christmas Eve was a prolonged snowfall which resulted in them being snowed in.
Holly was due to go to lunch at her cousin’s house but as she lived 30 miles away it was not possible to make the journey safely with the amount of snow that was laying.
Steve was due to spend the day alone not celebrating Christmas at all but Holly invited him to spend the day with her instead as he hadn’t risked driving home the night before.
He would have been quite happy to have slept on one of the bench seats in the lounge bar as he had once before but Holly insisted he use the spare room.
So that was how Steve Berry came to celebrate his first ever Christmas and why he was sitting at the bar nursing a cup of coffee in the clothes he had been wearing the night before.
“Morning” he said as she appeared behind the bar
“Happy Christmas” Holly said and reached over and kissed his cheek.
Now it was not the kiss he was hoping for and it was not possessed of the passion that accompanied the embrace of the night before but that simple peck on the cheek held within it, hope.
“God its cold in here” she said
“Yes, there was a power cut during the night and it knocked the boiler out” he said
“I’ve relit it but it’ll take a while to warm up”
“This was not the Christmas day I had in mind” Holly said putting the collar of her dressing gown up
“Nor me” he added
She was supposed to be dining on a sumptuous feast at her cousin’s house, while he was supposed to be in self-imposed exile at his flat.
“Do you want a drink?” he asked
“Oh yes please” she replied and Steve got up and went to the kitchen returning a few minutes later with a steaming mug of tea
“Thanks hon” she said and winced at her involuntary over familiarization and quickly went on
“I don’t know what we are going to eat today” Holly said
“We will need to ferret in the freezer”
“I didn’t know ferret was traditional Christmas fare” Steve said
“You know what I mean” she said “Can you cook?”
“A bit” he replied
“Good because I’m rubbish” Holly admitted
Steve actually undersold himself when he said he could cook a bit
He could in fact cook very well, exceptionally well.

Steve not being a traditionalist or a fan of the season could certainly make something out of what was on hand in the kitchen.
Holly however wanted to have a roast lunch, with all the trimmings, but after they checked the freezer they had to rule out a roast dinner as the joints would never have defrosted in time, but there were alternatives.
The fresh vegetable stores were limited but more than sufficient for two people.
Although she couldn’t cook herself Holly was determined to help firstly by peeling the potatoes and carrots and then by getting out of his way so he could get on by taking herself off upstairs to get ready for the day.

While Holly was gone Steve finished preparing the food and he was pleased that he had achieved something to suit Holly’s traditional wishes at least in part.
He had just reached the point where he could safely leave the kitchen and get showered and shaved when Holly reappeared and he was stopped in his tracks.
She looked stunning, her mousy hair, washed and styled was adorned with Christmas slides and she was wearing a white wool dress decorated with poinsettias.
And her shapely legs were covered by black tights with motifs of bows and parcels.
As he looked at her he thought to himself that he’d like them to be stockings rather than tights but nice legs were nice legs regardless of what they were sheathed in.
“Wow” Steve exclaimed
“Wow” he said again and Holly blushed
“It’s a Christmas dress you know” she said
“I don’t care” he said
“But you don’t like Christmas”
“It’s growing on me”
“Good” she said “you won’t mind wearing this then”
When would he ever learn, He now had to wear another blessed Christmas sweater.
“Where do you keep getting them from?” he asked
“They’re Uncle Phil’s” she replied “I buy him one every year”
“I’ve never seen Phil in a Christmas jumper” Steve said
“No nor of I” Holly agreed

The Girl in the Christmas Dress (Part Two)

Steve went upstairs, showered and shaved and returned to find Holly had laid a table in the lounge bar, complete with festive serviettes, candles, party poppers and crackers.
On the CD player the Puppini Sisters were in full voice and his natural aversion to Christmas music was tempered by the fact he caught Holly singing and dancing along with the music.
He stayed out of sight in the doorway so he could enjoy the spectacle as long as possible.
When she eventually became aware of him she blushed redder than the poinsettias on her dress.
“How long have you been standing there?” she said suddenly flustered and began fussing with the table.
“Long enough” Steve replied
“You should have said something” Holly said as she headed towards the kitchen
“What and spoil the show” he replied as he followed close behind

Holly carried on with the table while Steve checked the oven and ten minutes later he was transferring everything to serving dishes which Holly took to the table.
All he had left to do was make the gravy and get the Yorkshire puddings out of the oven.
Christmas dinner was as traditional as he could manage given the limits of the provisions available.
It was Holly’s turn to say “Wow” as he served Chicken breast wrapped in bacon, served with Roast potatoes, roast parsnips, carrots, peas, stuffing and Yorkshire pudding.
“What no starters” she said tongue in cheek
Holly lit the candles and Steve opened the wine they pulled the crackers and she made him wear a paper hat.
For desert he served apple pie and ice cream after which they watched the Queens speech.

As soon as the speech was over Holly switched off the TV
“What now?” he asked
“Now we sit and talk” She replied
“You mean “talk”” Steve said
“Yes”
“Do we have to” He said
“How are we supposed to learn about each other if we don’t talk?”
Holly replied
“So what do you want to know?” he said resignedly
“You’re childhood” Holly said with great interest
“What about it?” he replied
“Well, it’s not just Christmas that was unhappy was it”
“No it wasn’t” he replied and Holly settled back to let him unburden himself
“It wasn’t just Christmas, it was Easter, Halloween, birthdays and New Year’s”
He paused and took a drink
“you see My parents were alcoholics, when I was young they managed to somehow keep it under control but once I got to school age I pretty much raised myself, which is how I came to learn to cook because if I didn’t cook I didn’t eat”
They had spent a very pleasant Christmas day together, snowed in at the pub, the last thing he wanted to do was regurgitate the unpleasant moments of his life, particularly as he had been doing his best to forget them.
But once he started he couldn’t stop and by the end of it he was exhausted as they sat in the gathering darkness.
Holly was largely quiet throughout and just added the odd word of encouragement and support.
Holly broke the short period of silence.
“How do you feel?”
“Surprisingly good” he responded

Despite his feeling unburdened there was an awkward silence so Steve disappeared down to the kitchen to make them a snack.
He wondered if he should have held back and if he had unnerved Holly with his honesty.
When he had finished with the snack he put it on a tray and carried it upstairs to the lounge where Holly greeted his arrival with a smile.

“God that was good” Holly said after consuming his offering with relish
“Every cloud has a silver lining” he said referring to the reason he learned to cook,
“There is always a positive” Holly said “you just have to look for it”
“Well that’s what I plan to do” he said and cleared the plates away
“I’ll pour us another drink” He said

When he returned she was sitting with a Christmas present on her lap and she was smiling broadly.
“Happy Christmas” she said as she handed him the gift
“What’s this?” he asked
“Well open it and find out” Holly answered
“I wasn’t expecting a present” he said
Steve sat down and squeezed the package
“Oh no not another Christmas sweater” he said and Holly giggled as he tore the paper open.
But when he had removed all the paper and unfolded its contents he saw it was indeed a sweater but not a novelty Christmas one but a plain blue cashmere.
“That’s fantastic” he said enthusiastically “I love it
“Try it on then” Holly insisted and stood up
Holly took hold of the new one while Steve removed the one he was wearing and then they swapped.
As Steve pulled the cashmere over his head Holly held the novelty one he had just removed up to her nose and inhaled his scent.
“That looks great” she said when it was on
“It feels it” he said “can I keep it on?”
“Yes” she said and held the other one to her breast
He walked over to the tree and plunged his hand in between the branches.
It was perhaps testament to the progress that he had made over such a short period of time that he had actually bought her a present, which he removed from its hiding place and said
“Happy Christmas”
“When did you put that there?” she asked
“This morning” Steve replied
Holly ripped the paper off like a mad woman until she was left with a little blue presentation box embossed with gold relief.
She looked at it in wide eyed wonder, it was jewelry, and from a quality jeweler’s.
She took a deep breath and then opened it and she gasped.
“It’s lovely” she said as she took it out the box and held the gold pendant in her hand.
It was in the shape of a holly leaf with her name engraved on it.
“I love it” she said “put it on for me”
Steve took the pendant from her and when Holly turned her back to him, she reached back and scooped her hair out of the way while he fastened it.
Then she went to the mirror, stood on her tiptoes and looked at herself and admired the pendant.
“I really love it” Holly said and let out a squeal and then for the second day running they ended the day with a passionate kiss.