THREE MEN DIED ON CHRISTMAS EVE

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve

And were stood before St Peter

“You must all pass a simple test

Before you are allowed to enter”

 

“So produce a symbol of the season

Either on or about your person”

 

The first man retrieved a bauble

From his overcoat pocket

And St Peter turned to the gate

And proceeded to unlock it

 

St Peter said “You are blessed

Because you have passed the test”

 

The next man took a red bow

From his overcoat pocket

And St Peter turned to the gate

And proceeded to unlock it

 

St Peter said “You are blessed

Because you have passed the test”

 

The last man took a pair of panties

From his overcoat pocket

St Peter stood fast before the gate

And made no effort to unlock it

 

St Peter said “You are not blessed

Because you have failed the test”

 

“In what way do a pair of knickers

Symbolized the Christmas season

I fail to see how they are appropriate

So enlighten me as to the reason”

 

So the man proceeded to explain

“A young woman’s intimate apparels

Are without a doubt appropriate

When they happen to be carols”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV CHRISTMAS

 

It was another SUV Christmas

Thanks to my significant other

No not that kind of SUV, I got

Socks, Underwear and Viagra

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 3

 

My worst Christmas present ever

Without a doubt, I have concluded

Was when I received a box of batteries

Labelled “toys not included”

 

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A CHRISTMAS PIROUETTE (2020)

 

Former Olympic skating hopeful Courtney Bennett (Abigail Klein) runs the Worcester outdoor public skating oval in the Common behind City Hall and teaches skating classes, when Mayor Greenwood (Will Lyman) announces it will be closing after Christmas.

Then she meets former NHL hockey player Noah Tremblay (Ryan Cooper) who runs the new indoor skating centre and his daughter Grace (Meara Mahoney-Gross) after Grace joins Courtney's skating class.

But they come together to try to save the public rink and the Christmas Carnival at the Oval and fall in love along the way.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – NATIVITY ROCKS! THIS AIN'T NO SILENT NIGHT (2018)

 

Jerry Poppy (Simon Lipkin) journeys to St Bernadette’s primary in Coventry in search of the brother he didn’t know he had, Desmond, only to find out from the new headteacher, Mrs. Keen (Celia Imrie), that he and his Aunt were in Australia.

His arrival coincides with the announcement that the city is competing to be the city of Christmas by staging a rock opera, to be directed by Emmanuel Cavendish (Craig Revel Horwood).

So Jerry joins teacher Ben Johnson (Daniel Boy) to try and get the class an audition for the competition, while also helping social worker (Helen George) try to reunite unattached refugee Doru (Brian Alan Bartle) with his father (Ramin Karimloo) after Doru runs away from his friend Barnaby’s (Rupert Turnbull) house. 

So they must follow him to Much Wenlock where they meet Farmer Beatie (Ruth Jones) and then they must all get  back to Coventry in time for the concert.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)

 

Martian children have become obsessed with television shows from Earth which are full of references, depictions, and stories about Santa Claus.

So, an expedition is sent to Earth to kidnap Santa from the North Pole, then the group of Martians take Santa Claus and two children back to Mars with them because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.

But Santa and the Earthling children soon overcome the Martians by bringing fun, happiness, and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE NUTCRACKER AND THE FOUR REALMS (2018)

 

After receiving a gift from her godfather Drosselmeyer (Morgan Freeman) at his Christmas Party Clara (Mackenzie Foy) is magically transported to an enchanted world where she encounters a soldier named Phillip (Jayden Fowora-Knight), a gang of mice, and the regents who preside over three Realms.

Shiver (Richard E. Grant) regent of the Land of Snowflakes, Hawthorne (Eugenio Derbez) of the Land of Flowers, and Sugar Plum (Keira Knightley) Land of Sweets.

The Fourth Realm is ruled by the tyrant Mother Ginger (Helen Mirren) and Clara and Phillip are encouraged by Sugar Plum to brave the ominous Fourth Realm to retrieve a special key to return harmony to the unstable world.

But nothing is quite what it seems in the magical world of gingerbread soldiers and a mice army.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – HALLMARK HALL OF FAME: A DOG NAMED CHRISTMAS (2009)

 

20-year-old Todd McCray (Noel Fisher) is developmentally challenged but has a genuine affinity with animals of every kind.

So, when he hears on the radio that the animal shelter is looking for people to foster a dog during Christmas, he is eager to sign up.

His mom Mary Ann (Linda Emond) sees no problem but his dad, George (Bruce Greenwood) takes a little more convincing, but he eventually agrees.

Todd chooses a friendly nameless yellow lab who he calls “Christmas”.

Not content with that however he launches a campaign to get all the dogs fostered and succeeds.

But will he have as much luck convincing his dad to keep the Dog after the holidays?

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A GODWINK CHRISTMAS: SECOND CHANCE, FIRST LOVE (2020)

 

After 15 years in Hawaii single father Pat Godfrey (Sam Page) returns to Boise, Idaho, after selling his outdoor-adventure business, with his two sons John and PJ (Rhys Slack and Knox Hamilton) to live with his mum (Michele Scarabelli).

Almost as soon as he arrives, he runs into his high school sweetheart Margie Southworth (Brooke D'Orsay) who remained in Boise when he went to Hawaii and through a series of coincidences, or Godwinks, their paths continue to cross again and again and again.

Despite the universe dropping hints, Singleton Margie, who is still working at the same Company as she did before Pat left, has other concerns on her mind than revisiting an old romance, while the first priority for divorcee Pat is to find a job regardless of where it might be.

Eventually the Godwinks telling them they are meant to be together they begin to listen to their hearts.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – HALLMARK HALL OF FAME: A DOG NAMED CHRISTMAS (2009)

 

20-year-old Todd McCray (Noel Fisher) is developmentally challenged but has a genuine affinity with animals of every kind.

So, when he hears on the radio that the animal shelter is looking for people to foster a dog during Christmas, he is eager to sign up.

His mom Mary Ann (Linda Emond) sees no problem but his dad, George (Bruce Greenwood) takes a little more convincing, but he eventually agrees.

Todd chooses a friendly nameless yellow lab who he calls “Christmas”.

Not content with that however he launches a campaign to get all the dogs fostered and succeeds.

But will he have as much luck convincing his dad to keep the Dog after the holidays?

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE NUTCRACKER AND THE FOUR REALMS (2018)

 

After receiving a gift from her godfather Drosselmeyer (Morgan Freeman) at his Christmas Party Clara (Mackenzie Foy) is magically transported to an enchanted world where she encounters a soldier named Phillip (Jayden Fowora-Knight), a gang of mice, and the regents who preside over three Realms.

Shiver (Richard E. Grant) regent of the Land of Snowflakes, Hawthorne (Eugenio Derbez) of the Land of Flowers, and Sugar Plum (Keira Knightley) Land of Sweets.

The Fourth Realm is ruled by the tyrant Mother Ginger (Helen Mirren) and Clara and Phillip are encouraged by Sugar Plum to brave the ominous Fourth Realm to retrieve a special key to return harmony to the unstable world.

But nothing is quite what it seems in the magical world of gingerbread soldiers and a mice army.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – DAVES QUEST (1964)

 

Martian children have become obsessed with television shows from Earth which are full of references, depictions, and stories about Santa Claus.

So, an expedition is sent to Earth to kidnap Santa from the North Pole, then the group of Martians take Santa Claus and two children back to Mars with them because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.

But Santa and the Earthling children soon overcome the Martians by bringing fun, happiness, and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CHRISTMAS IN THE PINES (2021)

 

Before Christmas Ariel Colt (Jillian Murray) buys a cottage in the country, however shortly after she arrives, she discovers Mark Henderson (Dean Geyer) thinks he has done the same.

The mysterious owner, Mr. Noel (Stephen Ware) has in fact sold the house to them both so they are co-owners of the house, and under the contract it is stated that if one of them were to step over the boundary line, the property would revert to the other party.

So, they must stay in the cottage until things are sorted out and call in their families.

So, Peter, Jasmine, and Amy Colt (Jeff Rose, Victoria Staley, and Leigh-Allyn Baker) and Duke and Trevor Henderson (Grant Goodeve and Aaron Mees) arrive to spent Christmas with the co-owners and they get along really well, while Ariel and Mark spar as Christmas works its magic.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – NATIVITY! 2 (2012)

Donald Peterson (David Tennant) and his pregnant wife Sarah (Joanna Page) have move to Coventry for a new start and is the new teacher at St Bernadette’s.

He inherits a very unruly class led by teaching assistant Desmond Poppy (Marc Wootton) who tricks him into entering the School in the National 'Song for Christmas' Competition which headteacher Mrs. Bevan (Pam Ferris) had forbidden.

In addition to being up against St Bernadette’s arch Nemesis Gordon Shakespeare (Jason Watkins) and Oakmoor Primary, Donald must also face his overachieving twin brother Roderick and his almost professional choir.

He is then kidnapped by Mr Poppy and the children as they embark on an epic road trip to Wales, picking up a baby and a donkey along the way.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – NATIVITY! 4 (2018)

Jerry Poppy (Simon Lipkin) journeys to St Bernadette’s primary in Coventry in search of the brother he didn’t know he had, Desmond, only to find out from the new headteacher, Mrs. Keen (Celia Imrie), that he and his Aunt were in Australia.

His arrival coincides with the announcement that the city is competing to be the city of Christmas by staging a rock opera, to be directed by Emmanuel Cavendish (Craig Revel Horwood).

So Jerry joins teacher Ben Johnson (Daniel Boy) to try and get the class an audition for the competition, while also helping social worker (Helen George) try to reunite unattached refugee Doru (Brian Alan Bartle) with his father (Ramin Karimloo) after Doru runs away from his friend Barnaby’s (Rupert Turnbull) house. 

So they must follow him to Much Wenlock where they meet Farmer Beatie (Ruth Jones) and then they must all get  back to Coventry in time for the concert.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CHRISTMAS ON THE COMMON (2020)

 

Former Olympic skating hopeful Courtney Bennett (Abigail Klein) runs the Worcester outdoor public skating oval in the Common behind City Hall and teaches skating classes, when Mayor Greenwood (Will Lyman) announces it will be closing after Christmas.

Then she meets former NHL hockey player Noah Tremblay (Ryan Cooper) who runs the new indoor skating centre and his daughter Grace (Meara Mahoney-Gross) after Grace joins Courtney's skating class.

But they come together to try to save the public rink and the Christmas Carnival at the Oval and fall in love along the way.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – COME TO THE STABLE (1949)

 

In the depths of Winter two French nuns, Sister Margaret (Loretta Young) and Sister Scholastica (Celeste Holm) arrive in the small New England town of Bethlehem to build a children’s hospital.

They first meet religious artist Amelia Potts (Elsa Lanchester) who suggests a nearby hill as a suitable location which sets events in motion.

Beginning with composer Bob Masen (Hugh Marlowe), New York racketeer Luigi Rossi (Thomas Gomez), Local Bishop (Basil Ruysdael), Bobs Porter Anthony James (Dooley Wilson), Kitty Blaine (Dorothy Patrick) Monsignor Talbot (Regis Toomey) and Sam (Mike Mazurki) all make it happen.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A CHRISTMAS CAROUSEL (2020)

 

Temporary teacher Lila (Rachel Boston) comes from a long line of Carousel makers and when her father Roy (Stuart Hughes) is called a few weeks before Christmas to do a restoration of a Carousel for the Royal Family, built by his grandfather, they both travel to the Kingdom of Ancadia in Europe.

They are greeted on their arrival by courtier Heidi (Jennifer Vallance) who tells them that the Carousel has to be completed by Christmas as it is to be a surprise for Princess Maya (Tessa Kozma).

Lila has to work with Prince Whitaker (Neal Bledsoe) to complete the restoration and as they do romance blossoms and Roy grows close to Heidi.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A CINDERELLA STORY: CHRISTMAS WISH (2019)

 

Kat Decker (Laura Marano) has big dreams of becoming a singer-songwriter but is forced into a demoralizing job at billionaire Terrence Wintergarden's (Barclay Hope’s) Santa Land where she works as an elf.

While at home she is treated like a servant by her vain stepmother Deirdra (Johannah Newmarch) and selfish self-obsessed stepsisters, Joy and Grace (Lillian Doucet-Roche and Chanelle Peloso).

The only bright spot in her life is Nick (Gregg Sulkin), the handsome new Santa at the tree lot.

However she gets invited to the prestigious Wintergarden Christmas Gala, but her family steal her invitation and its only with the help of her Dog, her best friend Isla (Isabella Gomez) and a liberal sprinkling of Christmas magic she makes it to the party where she discovers that handsome Santa from the tree lot is actually the hosts son Dominic who has charmed his way into her heart.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – SANTA CLAUS DEFEATS THE ALIENS (1964)

 

Martian children have become obsessed with television shows from Earth which are full of references, depictions, and stories about Santa Claus.

So, an expedition is sent to Earth to kidnap Santa from the North Pole, then the group of Martians take Santa Claus and two children back to Mars with them because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.

But Santa and the Earthling children soon overcome the Martians by bringing fun, happiness, and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CHRISTMAS WITH A CROWN (2020)

 

Cassie (Lisa Durupt) is a successful businesswoman in New York who returns to her hometown for Christmas where she immediately sets out to revive her family's Christmas festival and she meets a dashing stranger Nicolas (Marcus Rosner) who volunteers to help.

Nicolas is actually a runaway Prince hoping to find the true spirit of the holidays.

However, Queen Mary (Teryl Rothery) sends courtier Arthur (Michael Lazarovitch) to track him down, but he gets roped in to help instead.

During the preparations Cassie and Nicolas fall for each other but when she discovers his true identity it will take a Christmas miracle of royal proportions for their hearts to be fulfilled.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A CANDLELIT CHRISTMAS (2022)

 

While waiting to hear if she has won the race for her dream job in Paris Ellie (Nazneen Contractor) decides to go back home to spend the season with her father (Sugith Varughese) in Portsmouth to help her dad at the family candle-making business for the first Christmas since her mother’s death.

When she gets there, she finds the business is struggling, with no Christmas candles having been made and there is a charming writer by the name of Logan (Mykee Selkin) staying with him.

After her father falls on the ice Ellie sets out to make the Christmas candles herself, although she must first search for the secret lost ingredient and Logan helps her while he is looking for inspiration for his writing and in the process, they both find each other.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – NATIVITY 2: DANGER IN A MANGER! (2012)

 

Donald Peterson (David Tennant) and his pregnant wife Sarah (Joanna Page) have move to Coventry for a new start and is the new teacher at St Bernadette’s.

He inherits a very unruly class led by teaching assistant Desmond Poppy (Marc Wootton) who tricks him into entering the School in the National 'Song for Christmas' Competition which headteacher Mrs. Bevan (Pam Ferris) had forbidden.

In addition to being up against St Bernadette’s arch Nemesis Gordon Shakespeare (Jason Watkins) and Oakmoor Primary, Donald must also face his overachieving twin brother Roderick and his almost professional choir.

He is then kidnapped by Mr Poppy and the children as they embark on an epic road trip to Wales, picking up a baby and a donkey along the way.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A ROYAL CHRISTMAS (2014)

 

Right before Christmas Philadelphia Dressmaker and designer Emily Taylor (Lacey Chabert) finds out that her boyfriend Leo (Stephen Hagan), the man who wants to marry her is actually Prince Leopold, heir to the throne of Cordinia.

But when they return to his home for Christmas he shocks his mother, Queen Isadora (Jane Seymour), by introducing Emily as his girlfriend.

However the Queen has no intention of accepting a commoner as a daughter in law as she has always planned to marry Leo off to aristocratic family friend, Natasha, Duchess of Warren (Katherine Flynn).

But the devoted Palace Butler Victor (Simon Dutton) and members of the staff think that she is a breath of fresh air, so will they break the Queens will or will Isadora break Leopold's heart.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – SCENTSATIONAL CHRISTMAS (2022)

 

While waiting to hear if she has won the race for her dream job in Paris Ellie (Nazneen Contractor) decides to go back home to spend the season with her father (Sugith Varughese) in Portsmouth to help her dad at the family candle-making business for the first Christmas since her mother’s death.

When she gets there, she finds the business is struggling, with no Christmas candles having been made and there is a charming writer by the name of Logan (Mykee Selkin) staying with him.

After her father falls on the ice Ellie sets out to make the Christmas candles herself, although she must first search for the secret lost ingredient and Logan helps her while he is looking for inspiration for his writing and in the process, they both find each other.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CHRISTMAS ON ICE (2020)

 

Former Olympic skating hopeful Courtney Bennett (Abigail Klein) runs the Worcester outdoor public skating oval in the Common behind City Hall and teaches skating classes, when Mayor Greenwood (Will Lyman) announces it will be closing after Christmas.

Then she meets former NHL hockey player Noah Tremblay (Ryan Cooper) who runs the new indoor skating centre and his daughter Grace (Meara Mahoney-Gross) after Grace joins Courtney's skating class.

But they come together to try to save the public rink and the Christmas Carnival at the Oval and fall in love along the way.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – NATIVITY ROCKS! (2018)

 

Jerry Poppy (Simon Lipkin) journeys to St Bernadette’s primary in Coventry in search of the brother he didn’t know he had, Desmond, only to find out from the new headteacher, Mrs. Keen (Celia Imrie), that he and his Aunt were in Australia.

His arrival coincides with the announcement that the city is competing to be the city of Christmas by staging a rock opera, to be directed by Emmanuel Cavendish (Craig Revel Horwood).

So Jerry joins teacher Ben Johnson (Daniel Boy) to try and get the class an audition for the competition, while also helping social worker (Helen George) try to reunite unattached refugee Doru (Brian Alan Bartle) with his father (Ramin Karimloo) after Doru runs away from his friend Barnaby’s (Rupert Turnbull) house. 

So they must follow him to Much Wenlock where they meet Farmer Beatie (Ruth Jones) and then they must all get  back to Coventry in time for the concert.

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

 

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!

Now, Twister and Mizzle!

On, Cyclone! On, Humid!

On, Monsoon and Drizzle!

From their HQ in Exeter!

To the Met office ball!

Now dash away! Dash away!

Dash away all!"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332

 

Flour of England, fruit of Spain,

Met together in a shower of rain;

Let’s make Christmas pudding again

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 15

 

The true nature of fairy tales

Are for the devotee, a heartbreaker

Because the tales were sanitized

Such as the Elves and the Hoe maker

PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON

 

Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon

As he disrupts the pirates shanties

But that’s not even his real name

He was baptized as Peter Panties

IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT

 

If JM Barrie had written smut

About all the titillation and joys

His classic tale would have been

Peter Porn and The Lust Boys

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6

 

She was drinking in the forest

But she didn't want Tango to sup,

That wasn’t for Snow White,

She much preferred her 7up

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1

That's political correctness that is

In one of its insidious ways

That’s stops us saying merry Christmas

And makes us say happy holidays

FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER

 

For my poor deluded father

The men in white coats beaconed

He thought he was a chocolate orange

So now he’s been sectioned

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

 

I got an inappropriate present

From my grandparents you know

Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift

But not if you live in a bungalow

WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS

 

When you open the windows

Throughout the festive season

On Microsoft’s advent calendar

They suddenly close for no reason

FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON

 

For women the holiday shopping season

Starts on all hallows Eve

For men the holiday shopping season

Starts on Christmas Eve

A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE

 

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause

“Please send me a brother”

Santa Clause wrote him back,

“Ok, send me your mother”

IF THE NEVERLAND GOVERNMENT

 

If the Neverland government

Hadn’t cut his disability   

Captain Hook would never

Have turned to piracy?