It was Christmas Day
at my parents’ house, and it was heaving with all my happy semi-intoxicated
relatives, Mum and Dad, my kid brother, two older sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins,
and I was glad they were happy even if I wasn’t.
I just wished they
would take their happiness elsewhere as I had no need of it, even if I was the
reason the entire clan had assembled that day.
It was my mother’s
idea to invite everyone to make Christmas noisy and happy and jolly and to keep
me distracted, and my mother was something of a force of nature so when she “invited”
it was generally accepted to be an order, she meant well of course.
Christmas
Dinner was tolerable enough; the jollity was blissfully muted when they had their
mouths full of my mum’s excellent cooking, but then as soon as the last
spoonful of Christmas Pud had been consumed it all ramped up again.
Mum organized
the girls in the kitchen and Dad got everyone else clearing away in preparation
for an afternoon of fun, I retreated to the hall and got my coat on because the
last thing I needed was fun.
“Where are
you going Nick?” mum asked
“I just
need to walk my dinner off” I replied patting my stomach, and she nodded her
understanding but knew it was nothing to do with needing a constitutional.
“Do you
want some company?” she asked
“No mum
I’ll be fine, I won’t be long”
“You’ll
need your hat and scarf” she insisted and draped a scarf around my neck and pulled
my woolen hat on my head, and then she put a hand on each cheek and kissed me
like she did when I was a boy, and I smiled a weak smile.
“You’ll
need gloves as well” she said “its bitter cold out there”
Her voice
cracked and she walked quickly back into the kitchen.
I wished
for her sake I could have hidden my sadness, it had almost been as difficult a year
for her as it had for me.
“I'll be fine mum,” I said to myself “I just need time”
I braced myself as I opened the front door and then walked outside and saw it
was still snowing.
I reached
the end of the path and turned back to look at the Waterfield home where I had spent
such a happy childhood.
It was mid-afternoon
and it was already getting dark, so I decided to stick to the main road until
my eyes became accustomed.
It was years since I
had seen a white Christmas, it was a shame I wasn’t in a better frame of mind
to enjoy it.
Even in the semi
darkness there was clear evidence the village children had been out in force, there
was no sign of them as the light began to fail they were probably lured back
indoors with mugs of hot chocolate by their concerned families.
As I made my way up the hill towards St Jane’s church
the snow started to fall harder and I looked at the houses as I passed them with
coloured lights resplendent and wondered at what sadness lurked in their homes
and then I chastised myself for my self-pity.
It was
just that I had had such high hopes for that Christmas, it had held so much
promise.
I’d
started a new job the previous February, I am an engineer by profession and as every
other new hire I got the first day office tour, on this occasion conducted by
my new boss Gary Ash.
After
shaking hands with an indeterminate number of employees I began to understand
what the Queen had to contend with.
“This is
the procurement department” Gary said, and half a dozen heads turned around to
greet us and one smartly dressed young woman stepped out of a corner office.
“Ah Gina”
Gary called “This is Nick Waterfield the new head of Engineering”
Gina
reached out her hand and I took it
“Gina Davies”
she said and that was that she had me hook line and sinker, we had our first
date that Friday and we were married just after Easter.
It was a
whirlwind romance, and we had our whole lives ahead of us and we made plans
upon plans.
Of course,
what we never planned for was a drunk driver to cross the central reservation
and hit her head on as she drove home the day before Halloween.
I should
have been with her; we always drove home together but at the last minute I had
to go to Aberdeen, so she died alone.
I wished
I’d been in the car with her, I wished I’d died with her then I wouldn’t have to
feel so shit.
The snow was falling fast,
and the wind was blowing it straight at me so discretion being the better part
of valour, I decided to take refuge in the Church of Saint Jane Frances de Chantal.
I hadn’t set foot in a
church since the funeral, God and I had not been on speaking terms since he
took Gina, but I didn’t plan to go in I just intended taking shelter in the porch
until the snow eased off a bit, but to my surprise the door suddenly opened.
“What on earth are you
doing out here?” said a voice behind me
I turned around to see
it was Charli Newcombe, I had known Charli a long time, we had gone to school
together and we had even dated briefly on two separate occasions, once when we
were still at school and again when I returned from University, but it never
seemed to happen for us.
“Hey Charli” I said, “I
was just out for a walk”
“In this?” she said
“I know it’s not
clever” I confessed
“So, what are you
really doing out here?” she pressed
“Trivial Pursuits” I replied
“What?”
“The family are all
playing Trivial Pursuits, I didn’t really fancy it”
“I see”
“Anyway, it’s Christmas
Day” I retorted “Shouldn't you be at home watching The Sound of Music?”
“You’d think so wouldn’t
you, but no, my folks are both asleep in front of the TV and I had sole control
of the remote, and I suddenly got the notion I should come and get the church
ready for tomorrows service” she explained and even she seemed surprised by her
answer.
Apart from running the
general store and post office Charli was also the church warden and her late husband
Tony had been the Vicar.
Charli was the same
age as me, give or take a month or two, I was thirty and she was a month short
of that milestone, and like me she was born and bred in the village.
She had married Tony
shortly after he got the job as Vicar, he was quite a few years older than her,
but she loved him to distraction, and you can’t argue with love.
Charli was devastated
when he had a heart attack in the church and died, that was shortly after he
had performed the wedding ceremony for Gina and I.
I had seen a lot of
her since I came back to stay with my parents in the village, I suppose I
sought her out because of our history together and I knew she would understand
how it felt to lose someone, and maybe help me come to terms with the grief.
We had talked it
through endlessly and had burnt the midnight oil many times, and during the
process, some of the old feelings I had for her had come to the surface, for
which I felt immensely guilty and disloyal to Gina’s memory.
“You look like you
could do with a hot drink,” she said opening the door
“No I won’t come in thanks” I said
“It’s Christmas, you could call a truce for the sake of the day at least”
“Ok” I relented and hesitantly followed her into the church and the most
overwhelming feeling washed over me.
It was one of great happiness
as I remembered that wonderful day when Gina and I were married.
I would have expected
to feel intense sorrow at the memory, but it was pure joy I felt and immense
pride.
I took off my hat, scarf and gloves and I know it will sound silly but the
moment I crossed the threshold into the sanctuary of the church I felt a great weight
lift from me.
Charli had gone into a
side room and switched on the light, but I found I was walking down the aisle
towards the altar where I paused briefly before an effigy of the saint and then
sat down on the front pew.
When I got up from the
front pew, I found all the anger and resentment that had been consuming me had
washed away and I felt more positive than I had in weeks and I even felt I
could actually look forward.
I stood up and smiled
at St Jane and went in search of the drink Charli had offered, and I found her
in the little kitchen sat at a small table and she looked up at me and smiled
and as I walked in, I returned her smile.
“Is this mine?” I
asked pointing at a mug by the kettle
“Yes” she replied “but I’ll make you a fresh one”
“No this will be fine”
I said and took a sip “urgh”
“I told you” Charli
said laughing
“How long was I
sitting out there?” I asked her
She checked her watch
“About forty minutes”
“I’m sorry” I said “it
only seemed like two or three”
“So how do you feel?”
she enquired
“Surprisingly good” I
replied and sat down “St Jane was very helpful”
“Yes, she is isn’t she”
Charli said as she re-boiled the kettle
“I’m still angry that
I didn’t get to say goodbye to Gina though” I admitted
“I know that feeling”
Charli retorted
“We had such a short
time together, we should have had decades, and instead we only had months”
And then I surprised
myself when I smiled at her and added
“But those months were
so special and so filled with joy that the time we had together was priceless”
“Amen to that” Charli
said
“Which is precisely
what you’ve been telling me all these weeks” I confessed
“Uh huh” she responded,
and we sat and drank our coffee in a comfortable silence.
Charli’s flicked her
eyes upwards and caused me to do the same and I saw the mistletoe hanging above
the table then she leant across the table and kissed me.
After the kiss it was
me who broke the silence
“So, do you have
someone special in your life?”
“Do you mean a
boyfriend?” she replied
“Yes” I said
“I was kind of hoping
you might want the job” Charli said
“Funnily enough I
think I would” I said and reached across the table and took hold of her hand.
“If you’ll have me”
She leant across the
table and kissed me again this time it was a long lingering sensual kiss.
“Are we allowed to do
that in church?” I asked
“Only on Christmas Day” she replied and kissed me again.
She locked up the
Church and we stepped out from the shelter of the porch and the snow had abated
but it was still falling, and I smiled as it accumulated
on top of her hat.
I offered her
my hand which she accepted gladly and then I walked her home hand in hand
through the snow.
Her
parents’ house was only two doors down from mine so walking her home wasn’t out
of the way not that it would have made any difference if she had lived on the
other side of the village.
We stopped
by the front gate and stood facing each other and I leant in and kissed her,
her response was immediate and yielding.
It was a
long purposeful kiss full of tenderness and hope for the future.
When I
reluctantly broke away, I said
“I’ll see
you tomorrow then?”
“Yes”
Charli replied and went up the path, pausing at the door to turn and wave
before she went inside.
“Are you
alright dear?” Mum asked with concern as I walked through the front door
“Yes” I
said and smiled “I rather think I am”
And the
effect on her was instant as the worry and anxiety melted away and she looked
five years younger in an instant.
“I’m so
glad” she said and rushed forward to hug me.
I have to
admit I have given a good deal of reflective thought about exactly what
happened that snowy Christmas Day afternoon.
Was it
coincidence that I chose to walk in the direction of St Jane’s Church, or that
I needed to take shelter precisely as I passed its sanctuary, or that Charli
would open the door to leave just as I stood sheltering beneath the porch?
And what
possessed her to leave the warmth and comfort of her parent’s cozy fireside on
Christmas Day to tidy a cold and draughty Church.
I know
what I believe and as to what transpired between me and the Saint as I sat on
that Church pew is between me, St Jane, and God.
