MY MUM HAS A TERRIBLE PROBLEM

 

My mum has a terrible problem

“Please get help” I implore her

Because she suffers from OCD

Obsessive Christmas Disorder

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 25

 

Twas the night before Christmas

And all thru the Hamlet

Not a creature was stirring

But no need to fret

They were at midnight mass

And hadn’t returned yet

From the Church in town

Where they were well met

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AUNTIE PEGGY

 

For Christmas I bought my Auntie

A brand-new wooden leg

I didn’t have it specially made

No, I just got it off the peg

You may say it’s not a nice gift

Or even that it’s a killer

It wasn’t her main present though

It was just a stocking filler

Snippets of Downshire Life – Feast of St Lucy

 

The traditional seaside resort of Sharpington-by-Sea with its Victorian Pier, seafront hotels, crazy golf, The Palladium ballroom, well maintained gardens, promenade, theatre and illuminations, has all the usual things to have a great time by the seaside, as well as amusement arcades and of course the Sharpington Fun Park and it was in the grand neighbourhood of Granite Hill, which in a nod to San Francisco, the locals had nicknamed Nob Hill where local Children’s Writer, Alesha Khan, was hosting a dinner party, and among the guests were Kerry Freeborn and Sharon Blackburn, a pair of visiting thespians.

The hostess had first met Kerry after they both took part in the World Book Day events at Sharpington Library and they became friends.

 

There was a period of reacquaintance with the guest that she knew and formal introductions to those she didn’t but then after a brief chat with her guests Alesha had to excuse herself to check on the food, so it was upto the guests to amuse themselves.

In addition to the hostess Alesha, were a skinny young woman of a similar age, Kim Labuschagne, an illustrator, who was an old school friend, who also assisted in the kitchen, then there was Alesha’s brother Zach, an artist, Russell Glavin, the new curate of St Lucy’s, Henry Appleby, Church Warden of same, Literary agents, Jayson and Kathryn Mercer, and Tim Street who was a Local Historian, so it was an interesting bunch.

 

Kerry and Sharon got to know each other when they both worked on a very popular TV soap and during their time on the show, they became very good friends, and over the years, in addition to the soap they had also worked in the theatre and even in pantomime, which was why they were both in Sharpington, at the Bluebird Theatre, doing panto, playing the ugly sisters in Cinderella, which was intended to be ironic given the way they looked.

At 30 years old, Kerry was stunningly attractive, slim with shoulder length brunette hair and hazel eyes but even Sharon, who was three years older, put her friend in the shade with her looks.

Sharon was slightly taller and a little curvier than Kerry with a shock of flame red hair, so it wasn’t their looks that kept them single.

Their problem was that in their profession it was difficult to meet men, well the right kind of men at any rate, and had over the years grown weary of being hit on by all the usual suspects.

Men who wanted to either be seen with a famous actress on their arm or wanted the glamour lifestyle they imagined went along with being a successful actor or on the baser level just wanted to have sex with a celebrity.

There was another obvious alternative to those types of men, and that was to date someone from their own world, someone on a par with them, but in their experience most actors tended to have huge egos and small personalities.

So, despite their professional success they were no different to any other human being, looking for love or companionship or a family.

What they needed was someone who would like them or love them for who they were rather than thinking of them as a backstage pass to a celebrity life.

But neither of them were actively looking for anyone so it came as a complete surprise to meet a serious candidate at dinner party in a small seaside town.

Although in Kerry’s it was more of a re-acquaintance.

The man in question was Jayson Mercer, Alesha’s Literary agent, who she first met just after the World Book Day events at Sharpington Library, when she was starring in a play at the Bluebird Theatre, and there was an instant attraction, but Kerry found out he was married to his business partner Kathryn, so she backed off, however she had since discovered that they were not a couple.

Jayson and Kathryn had divorced the year before, but it was a completely amicable split because after eight years of marriage they both realised it wasn’t really working, they loved each other, and still did, but they were not in love.

In fact, they still lived under the same roof, in the same house, after the split, and planned to sell the house, or buy the other one out, if and when their personal circumstances changed.

So domestic life for them wasn’t really very different to when they were married, and it really should have been if they belonged together as a couple, so they knew they had made the right decision, and even after the divorce they were still best friends, and of course they still worked together at the Literary Agency they founded, Mercer and associates.

Even after they stopped living as man and wife, the split was so amicable that they kept up their long-standing routine of travelling to and from work together.

So, it was no wonder that Kerry jumped to the wrong conclusion, and she’d left Sharpington when the theatre Company took the play to Abbottsford, when she discovered the truth of the arrangement.

But now she was back in Sharpington and there he was in touching distance, although his ex was also at the dinner party, so she thought she should be forgiven for getting the wrong end of the stick.

From the first moment she got “eyes on” she kept them on and when the time came for them to take their seats she found that she was seated opposite him and focussed all her attension on him and made it patently obvious she only had eyes for him.

 

“So, what brings you here to Sharpington?” he asked

“I’m in Panto at the Bluebird” she replied “Sharon and I are the ugly sisters”

“Typecasting then” he said “I believe that is the curse that befalls successful soap stars”

“You will get a slap” she said with a laugh “And anyway it’s a living”

“Indeed”

“What about you?” she asked are you still getting your 30 percent?”

“Oh yes business is booming, though it helps to have a star like Alesha on the books” he said

 

The remainder of the evening passed in the same easy manner until it was time to leave and they were suddenly thanking Alesha, who was at the front door saying goodbye to her guests in turn, and then they were outside.

Sharon was deeply engrossed with Alesha’s brother, Zach, and almost oblivious to the fact that Kelly was waiting and then Jayson asked

“Are you staying at the Seaview?”

“Yes, we both are”

“Well why don’t I walk you there” he suggested “I’m sure Zach will be happy to escort Sharon” 

“Yes indeed” he said “We’ll be right behind you”

 

So, they walked down to Sharpington Promenade from the heights of Granite Hill and chatted as much as they had all evening and then they were suddenly at the hotel almost before they had time to blink.

“Do you want to come in for a nightcap?” she asked desperately

“Ok just a quick one” he said, and she was feeling very smug as they went inside

“I’ll meet you in the bar” she said “I just need to spend a penny”

“Ok”

“Oh, I forgot” she said and handed him her key card “Order me a white wine”

“Ok”

She didn’t need to spend a penny, though she did anyway, what she wanted to do was attend to her makeup and freshen her perfume and when she got to the lounge, he was sitting at the bar on a barstool waiting for her, the drinks on the counter in front of him.

 

When she was halfway down the glass of wine, she said

“Perhaps we can do something over the weekend, dinner, maybe” she suggested

“The Panto doesn’t open until Monday, so I’m completely free”

“Ah” he responded

“Ah?” she repeated “I don’t like the sound of “Ah”, is it an “Ah” I’m back with my wife or “Ah” I’m with someone else or “Ah” I’m gay”

“None of the above” he said

“Phew”

“Do you remember me telling you during dinner that my sister Lizzie had twins?”

“Yes” she replied, “Oh God are they ill?”

“Not them” he replied

“Lizzie has PPD, Postpartum depression” he replied “and she’s not coping and nor is her husband”

“Oh dear”

“So, the rest of the family are having to muck in and help them through the worst of it” he explained “They live up in Millmoor, so I’m going up for a week, maybe two”

“Oh, I understand” she said, “is your ex going?”

“Good God no” he said and laughed “She doesn’t like children, so she’s going to hold the fort at the agency for me”

She was disappointed that he was going away but relieved the Kathryn wasn’t going with him.

“Do you want another?” she asked as she caught the barman’s eye

“Hmm yes please” he replied and drained his glass “But then I have to go”

 

“Do you think you might be back by the 13^th?” she asked

“Possibly, why?”

“There is no performance that evening because of the traditional St Lucy’s day events, so I have the day off, we could have dinner?”

“It depends who’s paying” he answered, and she laughed

“That’s just the type of response I expect from an agent” she said, and he shrugged

“My treat” she replied, but seeing him again would be the real treat

“Ok I’ll do my best”

 

They parted company in reception where he kissed her cheek and then she watched him leave, and it hurt, it really hurt and that really surprised her, why did it hurt? She knew she liked him, but obviously it was more than that if it hurt.

“Why does it hurt?” she asked herself as she walked towards the stairs and then she stopped

“My God I love him” she exclaimed

 

Over the rest of the weekend, with too much time on her hands she could think of little else than the revelation that she was hopelessly in love with him, and the problem with that was that she wasn’t going to see him for an absolute age. 

Fortunately, the pantomime started on Monday so two shows a day kept her occupied, it was just at night when she was alone in bed.

 

Her one big regret while he was away, was that she didn’t have a phone number or an email address for him, but she didn’t.

She could have asked Alesha, but she would have felt foolish, she could even have phoned Mercer and Associates and asked Kathryn, but what possible reason could she have for needing it?

So, she just had to keep herself busy and wait until the 13^th.

 

As there were no performances on the 13^th because of the traditional St Lucy’s day events in the town, she had the whole day off, which had to be filled, and her mind kept occupied, she had hoped that Sharon would have helped but she had plans to spend the day with Zac.

So, she did the best she could, including having her hair and nails done and a bit of pampering to make the best of herself.

But that didn’t consume nearly enough of the day, so because she was told by all the staff that the St Lucy celebrations were something not to be missed, so she thought it would be worth going along if only to kill some time.

 

The St Lucy’s Day Celebrations began once the darkness had fully descended with a celebration service and then after the church service a parade of school children from Jubilee school processed along the promenade carrying their Lucy lights and then down to the beach where they threw them onto the bonfire to light the Lucy fire, as it is believed that St Lucy’s light can lengthen the days.

It was all very pagan and a Swedish tradition originally, a mixture of the Christian and the pagan really.

The St Lucy’s day festival was always well attended as it was such a unique event.

Christians from churches far and wide attended the service and a healthy crowd both church and secular turned out for the parade.

As she walked back to the Hotel, she was glad she’d seen it, but she was feeling the chill, so she went straight to the lounge and up to the bar.

 

She was sitting at the bar, perched on a barstool drinking a brandy, and feeling its warmth spread through her, and still wearing jeans and a sweater after the St Lucy events, when Jayson arrived

“Hi” he said as he leant in and kissed her cheek and breathed in the fragrance of apples on her hair, the aroma of coconut on her skin and an overall presence of expensive perfume.

“Oh bugger” she screamed inside her head, she had planned to wear a brand-new white silk dress decorated with tiny pink roses, over some recently purchased very classy lingerie, and be made up to perfection, and instead she was wearing jeans and a sweater.

“You look lovely” he said as he sat down on the vacant stool.

“And you smell good enough to eat”

“I am supposed to look gorgeous” she said sadly

“You do look gorgeous” he said “And you smell delicious, not like me, I look like I haven’t slept for two weeks, hang on, I haven’t slept for two weeks, and I smell of baby sick”

She leant close into him and breathed in his aftershave and its effect on her was almost sensual, so much so that she almost buried her face in his neck before she sat up again.

“Not a hint of baby sick” she declared 

“Honestly?” he asked

“Honestly” she replied as she caught the barman’s eye “Another please, and whatever my…. guest wants?”

“I’ll have the same” he said

“I don’t know about you but I’m starving shall eat now?”

“Hmm good idea” she replied and when the drinks appeared, they made their way to the restaurant.

 

When they were seated at the table, she asked

“How’s your sister?”

“She’s getting better, slowly” he replied

“And the twins?”

“They are fantastic, smelly, but fantastic”

He said and as they ate, he explained in detail.

After that the conversation was more general, but as much as the conversation flowed, so did the wine and Kelly, who had always been a lightweight, drank too much, and when she drinks too much, she is too honest.

“I’ve really missed you” she said, and he was both surprised and pleased by the revelation and he wondered if he had heard her correctly or if it was just the wines effect on his processing ability, in the end he decided he hadn’t misheard and responded

“I missed you too”

“Really?”

“Really” he confirmed

“Oh, good because I was really worried that I loved you and you didn’t love me back” she said and giggled, but then she realized he was just looking at her and not speaking and she began to back track.

“What I meant to say is… um… err… I… erm… oh I’m sorry” she said “I used the “L” word didn’t I”

“Yes, you did” he confirmed “and it’s ok because I think I love you too, but”

“But….”

“Oh shit, why is there, a but, I don’t like the but, one little bit”

 “But….” He continued “I have to go back to Millmoor tomorrow, and I’ll probably won’t be back until Christmas”

She looked crestfallen, so he took hold of her hand.

“I have to be there for my sister’s family right now, but I want there to be an “us”, but I can’t give you that right now” he said as he held her hand “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to, do you understand?”

“Yes, I think so”

“Can you wait?”

“Yes” she said “on one condition”

“Name it”

“That you give me your mobile number, so I can talk to you or text you or something” she said

“I’ve already put it in your phone”

“You have?”

“Yes” he replied “Now I think it’s time to get you to bed”

“Oh goody, I like the sound of that”

“Calm down hot stuff” he said “I need to get you to bed so you have a good night’s sleep and then we can spend an enjoyable few hours together tomorrow morning, before I have to leave for Millmoor, and you have to be at the theatre”

 

Kelly tottered along the corridor beside him but when they paused to allow an elderly lady to go through the fire doors ahead of them, she looked up at him through soulful eyes and he kissed her, a kiss she had longed for since the moment she first met him.

After the long-awaited kiss, they walked hand in hand to the door of her room where they kissed again before he unlocked the door and pushed it open, but Kelly paused in the doorway

“I’m sorry” she said

“For what?”

“For being so needy”

“You’re not needy, so don’t apologize for being you” he said and kissed her once more.

Snippets of Downshire Life – St Lucy's Day

 

The traditional seaside resort of Sharpington-by-Sea with its Victorian Pier, seafront hotels, crazy golf, The Palladium ballroom, well maintained gardens, promenade, theatre and illuminations, has all the usual things to have a great time by the seaside, as well as amusement arcades and of course the Sharpington Fun Park and it was in the grand neighbourhood of Granite Hill, which in a nod to San Francisco, the locals had nicknamed Nob Hill, where the new Curate of St Lucy’s, 35 year old Russell Glavin, had lost his heart.

 

It was in the Granite Hill home of a local bigwig, author Alesha Khan, at a dinner party, and he fell for her almost the instant that she flashed him her glorious smile, and what a smile it was, a smile that reached her dark, almost black eyes, sharp and intelligent eyes behind her gold rimmed spectacles as they sat perched on her aquiline nose.

It was a smile he had seen in his dreams many times since along with the image of the finely chiselled features of her face.

That meeting in Granite Hill was not their first that day, but the second, and the previous meeting also made an impact on him, though in a different way.

It was at the Church Wardens house when he went to use the down stairs bathroom and no sooner had he gone inside and locked the door than he spotted Alesha sitting on the toilet, with her tights and underwear around her knees and her skirt hoisted up her thighs, so not the most auspicious of meetings.

 

Despite that awkward beginning there was a definate something between them and a few days after the dinner party, she had invited him round so she could sign a copy of her latest book for his niece Amanda, and at the end of the evening they found themselves beneath the mistletoe, and in order not to anger the Christmas Gods, they kissed, but it was not a kiss of appeasement, nor the enactment of a silly tradition, it was a gentle tender kiss that made his knees go weak.

 

After that he was completely hooked but he did nothing about it after she drove him home in the rain, he could do nothing about his attraction toward her because she said

“I’m off on my travels again, but I should be back on St Lucy’s Day”

He didn’t know where those travel were to or indeed their purpose, he didn’t know anything, all he knew were her parting words

“Good night, I hope to see you at the party”

Which he subsequently found out was the St Lucy Night Party, held every year at The Palladium Ballroom.

 

He was kept very busy while Alesha was away, first their was choir practice, almost every evening, the second Sunday of Advent and of course St Lucy’s Day which was a completely knew him.

It all began once the darkness had fully descended with a celebration service and then after the church service a parade of school children from Jubilee school processed along the promenade carrying their Lucy lights and then down to the beach where they threw them onto the bonfire to light the Lucy fire, as it is believed that St Lucy’s light can lengthen the days.

It was all very pagan and a Swedish tradition originally, a mixture of the Christian and the pagan really, something that was right up Alesha’s street, and he could understand why she was keen to get back in time, though he hadn’t seen any sign of her.

The St Lucy’s day festival was always well attended as it’s such a unique event.

Christians from churches far and wide attended the service and a healthy crowd both church and secular turned out for the parade, even the odd humanist had been known to turn up, but then most humanists were odd in his view.

But with such a big crowd it was hardly surprising that he hadn’t seen her, if indeed she was there.

 

Once the fire was well ablaze and the singing began the crowds began to thin out as the curiosity of the secular section soon wained at the first sniff of anything religeous.

When the proceeding were brought to a close the children were all marched back to school and the rest of the crowd disperced.

A couple of volunteers stayed on the beach to guard the fire and then Russell went back to St Lucy’s to change before walking across to Palladium Ballroom.

Once he was inside he soon discovered where the crowds had disperce to and the party was absolutely humming, and there were hundreds of people on the dance floor alone.

“This is hopeless” he said to himself “I’ll never find her in here”

He turned disconsolately and headed towards the door, but he only managed two paces before he was halted in his tracks

“There you are” she said, and he looked up to see the unmistakable smiling face of Alesha Khan, a little less glamourous than the last time he’d seen her, in a purple cloche hat, and a thick dark grey wool dress, which nonetheless showed off her delicious shape rather well, and knee length leather boots

“Oh hello” he said

“I’m glad you’re here, I was beginning to think you hadn’t made it back in time”

“Oh, I’ve been here for the whole thing” she said then she grabbed his hand “Come on let’s dance”

And she dragged him into the middle of the dance floor

“Did you say you’ve been here for the whole thing?” he asked when they were face to face.

“Yes”

“I was looking for you” he said

“I know, I saw you”

“I don’t understand” Russell said, “Why didn’t you come and say hello earlier?”

“Because I wouldn’t have been able to resist doing this” she said and kissed him, and it was an even more potent kiss than the one they shared beneath the mistletoe a week earlier

“Do you think it would have been appropriate to do that while you were performing the duties of your curacy?”

“Highly inappropriate I should have said” he replied

“I’m glad you agree” she said, “so can we get back to the kissing now?”

“We could find somewhere a little less crowded” he suggested

“Good shout” she agreed

 

They made their way off the dance floor and collected their coats from the cloak room and then left the Palladium and Alesha slipped her arm through his as they walked along the promenade until they reached the first Victorian Seafront shelter.

As the wind was blowing offshore, they moved to the side of the shelter facing the sea and sat down on the bench.

“Now can you remember where we got to?” he asked

“Oh, I remember” she said and kissed him in the same gentle tender way that made his knees go weak when they kissed beneath the mistletoe, and they would have done the same that time had they not been sitting down.

The Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa – The Third Sunday of Advent Matinée

 

The beautiful Downshire village of Clerembeax St Giles was situated to the west of Abbeyvale located between Grace Hill and Bushy Down and on the outskirts was the Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa and when staffing the Hotel, they wanted to employ from the village populous where possible, and that was how the Ward girls came to work at the Palace.

 

The Ward family had a small holding on the North side of the village, parents Jack and Olive, and daughters Donna, Felicity, Josephine, and Maxine.

Josephine was third in the pecking order at twenty-one and was 5 feet 4 inches tall in her stocking feet and was half a stone heavier than she should have been which was thanks to her comfort eating.

She wasn’t though disappointed with everything she saw in the mirror she liked her legs which she thought were quite shapely and her hair which she thought of as her crowning glory, which was long, straight, and light brown, and she was the only one of the sisters who was in a long-standing relationship, and the recipient of her favours, and the reason for the comfort eating, was James Vesey, a Corporal in the Downshire Light Infantry, who was posted overseas.

But on the Third Sunday of Advent while the Ward Family were heading towards their seats at St Giles’, a murmur rumbled around those already seated and when Jo turned around to investigate, she saw a soldier walking towards her, and she couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Jimmy?” she exclaimed

“Were you expecting some other gallant hero of the armed forces?” he asked, and she launched herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

 

James’ appearance at St Giles’ was an unexpected one, h  

 

His role with the Downshire’s was as a Field Medical Assistant, and he had flown back to the UK on a medevac mission,

but he was only back in Downshire for a few days, and only had a 48 hour leave before he had to report back to Nettlefield.

So, when he arrived back in the Village on a Sunday Morning he knew exactly where to find Jo because The Ward Family had always been churchgoers and the whole family had very strong faiths, and they only missed in exceptional circumstances.

 

Apart from being regulars at St Giles’ there was one other given for the family, and that was Olive Ward’s family Sunday Lunch, but given the circumstances it took on a different significance, so Olive raised the bar, to make it more special.

 

To get everyone around the same table for their Sunday Dinner was very special in itself but Olive wanted to endow it with the addition of her husband Jack’s homemade wine, something that only graced the most special of occasions and her suggestion was greeted with Universal approval.

 

It was a noisy and raucous occasion fueled in no small measure by the liberal consumption of Jack’s Pea Pod Chardonnay.

By 3 o’clock dinner was served, and Olive had done them proud with the table groaning under the weight of the Celebration fare.

It was no mean feat to cook such a sumptuous feast for 9 people, but as usual Olive achieved it effortlessly, which was made all the more remarkable, as she appeared not to have a single hair out of place, and everyone enthused at the magnificence of the spread and all the trimmings and subsequently all the plates were cleared.

 

Finally, the pudding was served, a baked Alaska, which Olive knew was James’ favourite, and then as the final scrapes of spoons on china echoed around the room James stood up and called for order, and when he finally had everyone’s attention, he firstly proposed a toast to the cook, then to the master brewer and finally he proposed to Jo.

“Wha…?” she said

“Will you marry me?” he repeated holding the ring box out to her

“Of course, I’ll marry you dummy” she said and wrapped her loving arms around his neck and kissed him.

The Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa – The Third Sunday of Advent

 The beautiful Downshire village of Clerembeax St Giles was situated to the west of Abbeyvale located between Grace Hill and Bushy Down and on the outskirts was the Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa and when Yvonne Labuschagne inherited it from her cousin, the last remaining Clerembeax, she undertook the task of modernizing the Palace and opening a Hotel and Spa offering, fitness classes, gym, rock sauna, infra-red sauna, aroma steam room, ice fountain, drench showers, Jacuzzi, a Romanesque pool, Reflexology, Raki, facials, scalp massage, hand massage, Manicure and Pedicure, while also providing accommodation, meeting and function rooms, a superior restaurant and whatever temptation might attract potential visitors.

She was by profession a masseuse and had worked for many years along with her late husband at the Dancingdean Spa Hotel in Childean.

Staffing the Hotel and Spa was crucial, and Yvonne used her contacts in the Spa world to find the right specialist people in her field of expertise’s and employed Hannah Morgan to fill the remainder of the roles, on the understanding that she employs from the village populous where possible, and that was how the Ward girls came to work at the Palace.

 

The Ward family had a small holding on the North side of the village, parents Jack and Olive, and daughters Donna, Felicity, Josephine, and Maxine.

It was a profitable concern and gave them all a modest living but when the Palace opened, it gave them a chance to supplement their incomes without having to travel to Abbeyvale.

They were all hard-working girls and didn’t care what work they did, so Hannah Morgan didn’t hesitate to offer them all housekeeping jobs.

Josephine was third in the pecking order at twenty-one and was 5 feet 4 inches tall in her stocking feet and was half a stone heavier than she should have been which was thanks to her comfort eating.

She wasn’t though disappointed with everything she saw in the mirror she liked her legs which she thought were quite shapely and her hair which she thought of as her crowning glory, which was long, straight and light brown, and she was the only one of the sisters who was in a long-standing relationship, and the recipient of her favours, and the reason for the comfort eating, was James Vesey, a Corporal in the Downshire Light Infantry, who was currently posted overseas.

 

The Ward Family had always been churchgoers and not out of a sense of duty, the whole family had very strong faiths, and they only missed in exceptional circumstances, and the same was true of Olive Ward’s family Sunday Lunch, which took on a different significance on the Third Sunday of Advent.

 

The family arrived at St Giles’ en masse and milled around at the back of the church chatting to some of the other congregants, until it was time to take their seats, but as they walked down the aisle, a murmur rumbled around those already seated and when Jo turned around to investigate, she saw a soldier walking towards her, and she couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Jimmy?” she exclaimed

“Were you expecting some other gallant hero of the armed forces?” he asked, and she launched herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck.