Uncanny Christmas Tales – (067) I’m Not a Nun!

 

It was dark and very cold as I sat on a bench in the hospital garden, and furthermore it was snowing again.

I was sitting there alone as I had just heard the news that my mother was dying, and I was still somewhat in shock.

I was on my way home; Mum had been sedated so there was no point in my staying and the end was a little while off yet.

I should have gone straight home, but I had no one to go home to and I needed time to think.

I had been sitting there for maybe half an hour and was used to the silence and was totally lost in my own thoughts so much so that I had failed to hear the crunch of approaching footsteps in the snow.

Due to the darkness, I was all but invisible and I suddenly saw something moving in my peripheral vision which made me jump and to my perpetual shame caused me to let out an involuntary yelp.

This in turn made the figure in the dark scream.

The source of the scream was a nurse at the convent hospital and who worked on the wing my mother was in, I couldn’t bring her name to mind at the time.

“Oh Shit” she said in very un-convent like language.

“What the fuck are you doing hiding out here in the dark?”

“I’m sorry” I said, “I didn’t mean to scare you”.

“Oh its Mr. McAteer isn’t it?” she asked “So what brings you out here? Are you ok?”

“Yes” I replied, “I just needed some quiet time”.

“I heard about your mother, I’m sorry it wasn’t better news” she said.

She sat down on the bench beside me and took out a pack of cigarettes from her coat pocket, she took one out and put it to her lips and then offered the pack to me.

I had given up smoking two years earlier, but I didn’t hesitate in accepting one.

“Thanks Nurse…” I began.

“Fedeli” she replied as she gave me a light “But call me Elena”.

“Thanks Elena” I said and inhaled deeply and closed my eyes as I exhaled the smoke and felt the welcoming light headedness as my body greeted the nicotine with open arms.

“It looks like you’re enjoying that Mr. McAteer” she said.

“Call me Dave” I said and took another drag “this is the first fag I’ve had for two years”.

“I’m sorry I didn’t know” Elena said.

“Don’t be sorry, I really missed it” I said honestly.

She dragged on her cigarette. The tip glowing brightly, briefly illuminated her face and then faded to a glow.

“I'm sorry I scared you,” I said taking a final drag on my cigarette before dropping it on the ground and grinding it under the heel of my shoe.
“That’s ok” she replied and paused briefly before adding.

“By the sound of that yelp you made, perhaps I should be apologizing to you”.

“Quite” I said sheepishly.

“You look like you could use a drink” Elena said.

And she reached into her pocket again and this time pulled out a silver hip flask.

She unscrewed the cap and took a slug and then handed it to me.

“Thanks” I said taking it from her and putting it to my lips.

The whisky tasted so good, and I felt it warming me to the very core.

I handed her back the flask and watched her take a good slug before putting the cap back on.
 “What kind of a nun are you?” I asked with a laugh “Swearing, smoking and drinking”.

And actually, thinking what a really naughty girl she was.

“I’m not a nun!” She shouted, “Why does everyone think I’m a nun?”

“Sorry but you work in a convent hospital, and you dress like a nun” I said in my defence.

“I’m a nurse in a hospital, and this is my uniform” she said, “No wonder, nobody ever asks me out, I can assure you that I’m not a nun!”

“I’m sorry Elena” I said, “If it helps, I thought you were a very attractive nun”.

She looked at me and laughed.

The snow continued to fall and was settling on her headgear.

As I looked at her, I couldn’t understand why she would ever have been short of a date.

She had a beautiful face, and her eyes were dazzling.

It was also a kind face with a delicate smile and her colouring clearly betrayed her Mediterranean ancestry.

Being a good catholic boy and having thought until a few minutes earlier that she was a nun, I wasn’t sure if thinking she was sexy was a sin or not, but I thought she was, even if it was sinful.

I was also grateful for the distraction from thinking about my mum.

“How are you feeling now?” she asked me of the blue.
“Much better,” I replied
“Was it a shock?” she asked,

“Yes.” I replied and then corrected myself “No, not really”.

She didn’t speak but looked at me and silently invited me to continue.

“I was expecting it, but I didn’t want to believe it” I said, “I lied to myself”.

“That’s quite natural” she said sympathetically “Loved ones have often confided that to me”.

“That’s because they think you’re a nun” I said, and we both laughed.

The snow was falling harder now, and it was getting colder.

“Are you off duty?” I asked although I’d already made the assumption that she was.

“Yes” she replied, “I’m done for the day”.

“Well, I’m chilled to the bone” I said, “do you fancy getting something to eat?”

“Yes, that would be nice” she replied, and a broad smile crossed her face “As long as you don’t mind being seen out with a nun”.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (066) If You Are Wondering About the Whereabouts

 

If anyone is wondering where all the traffic cones, personnel barriers and sundry mobile street signage have gone I can now reveal their whereabouts.

They are currently to be found on every Road, Street, Lane, and Close in Woking.

Some barriers stand sentinel around abandoned holes in the ground, while cones are to be found either in ones or twos making potholes or broken drains or in uniform rows blocking off perfectly serviceable lanes for weeks on end for no apparent reason.

We also appear to have all the temporary traffic lights in the land and so numerous are they that they rival, in number, the towns Christmas lights.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (065) A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the …….

 

It was a terrifying moment when the world seemed to revert to slow motion, and I thank God for that because had it not I would have killed him.

I was on my way home in the early evening gloom of a December day, it was slow progress as it had been for months due to major road works, and I had sat through two light change sequences before my journey finally got underway.

Well, when I say “I was on my way home” I was actually on my way to pick up my wife Tina first which is why I was driving down Maybury Road.

It was a single-track, one-way street running parallel with the railway line from Sheerwater into Woking Town Centre which is heavily tree lined along the railway side and predominantly terraced housing on the other.

It’s quite a long stretch of road and runs as straight as an arrow and under normal circumstances such a stretch of road might tempt you into excessive speed.

However, running on the left-hand side of Maybury Road is a cycle lane and, on the right, intermittently  parked cars which narrowed the road dramatically and this combined with very poor lighting and a significant number of side roads a cautious 20 to 25 mph was the order of the day.

So, it was under the afore mentioned conditions that I proceeded along Maybury Road towards Woking Town centre.

I had just about reached halfway when I saw a well-equipped cyclist ahead of me in the cycle lane, I slowed to 20 mph as I passed it, leaving as much room as was possible given the parked cars on the offside.

I safely passed the cyclist and was just beginning to think about increasing my speed, but instead I took my foot off the gas as I neared the rear end of a parked Ford Transit van and just as I did so another cyclist appeared from the darkness heading straight for me.

He had been riding along the pavement when a number of pedestrians inconveniently blocked his path, so he swerved out into the road and straight into my path.

He was dressed in dark clothing and the bike had no lights, so he was almost invisible, and I only spotted him at the very last second as the van had turned on his lights.

I slammed on the brakes and slewed the car sideways so my front-end way blocking the cycle lane, fortunately the bike I had passed had not caught me up.

The whole incident took little more than a second yet seemed to run in slow motion, I think if it hadn’t, I would have him.

Of course, time didn’t really slow down it was just the way my brain processed it.

I missed hitting the hapless bike rider by the width of a bike wheel and we finished up with him sandwiched between me and the van.

But quite unperturbed he picked up his bike and wriggled between me and the van and was quickly on his way.

I on the other hand just sat where I had come to a stop with my heart pounding in my chest.

My hands gripping the steering wheel so tight my knuckles were white, and there I sat until I heard a tapping on my passenger door window.

“Are you alright?” A muffled voice asked.

I wound down the window.

“Are you alright?” The voice asked again.

It was the girl on the bike I had overtaken a minute or so earlier.

“Yes” I replied, “it just took my breath away”.

“Bloody idiot” she said.

That’s a bit harsh I thought to myself I didn’t do anything wrong.

“Its idiots like that that give us cyclists a bad name” she said indignantly, and she gave me a smile and was on her way.

Just at that moment the driver behind me sounded his horn which brought me out of my torpor, and I drove off.

When I met Tina outside her building, I got in the passenger side and let her drive.

I recounted the story of what had happened and then reflected on what might have been.

Had I not backed off the gas when I did, or had the van not turned on his lights when it did it may have been a tragedy rather than an anecdote.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (064) – The Pagan Ritual

 

The beautiful Downshire village of Clerembeax St Giles was situated to the west of Abbeyvale located between Grace Hill and Bushy Down and on the outskirts was the Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa and one of the rooms was occupied by Carl Arkley, a regular guest whenever he was in the area, and permanent resident Fiza Alwi was always excited to see him and there was a very good reason for that.

 

When Carl first stayed there, he met Fiza, and they exchanged pleasantries, and it was obvious that she was taken with him.

because she fussed with her thick black hair and got very flustered and when he shook her hand she blushed, which he thought made her look even lovelier.

He liked her, she was a tall skinny young woman of Somali descent with a huge black eyes and toothy smile which lit up her face so when they ran into each other around the Hotel, he would always flirt outrageously with her, and Fiza would always flirt back.

Occasionally when they had a coffee together or share a table at breakfast, he would innocently caress her hand with his thumb or brush his fingertips against skin and she would blush.

But it wasn’t until Christmas that things progressed when they were sat in the breakfast room alone with no prying eyes and he blatantly held her hand and caressed her cheek with the other and he would have kissed her too if the waitress hadn’t re-entered the restaurant and the moment was past.

As he was leaving later that day, he thought his chance had gone until the New Year but as he walked into reception Fiza leapt on him and trapped him against the wall armed with a bunch of mistletoe and only when she had satisfied herself and the pagan ritual, did she let him go she gave him a toothy grin and said.

“You could always stay another night”. 

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (063) Just one Present

 

The Dulcets are a collection of villages and hamlets comprising of Dulcet-on-Willow, Dulcet St Mary, Dulcet Green, and Dulcet-on-Brooke, to name but a few, and of course Dulcet Meadow which was where Liam Harris was making preparations for Christmas.

It was Christmas Eve and apart from the delivery of Christmas gifts and cards to friends and family, he spent most of it alone listening to Christmas music, watching schmaltzy movies on TV, and thinking about Ava and their future.

 

While he was enjoying his own company Ava spent the day helping her mum with the preparations for the big day, but she spent the evening with him, arriving about seven o’clock.

It was their first Christmas together and because Liam had put the presents underneath the tree that afternoon, almost the moment she arrived she was like an annoying child.

“Can I open a present?” she asked all evening what seemed like every ten minutes.

“Just one, please, please, please”

Ava was getting on his nerves to tell the truth, she kept picking up the presents, shaking them, squeezing them, and even listening to them.

Eventually she managed to wear him down and he relented and as he headed upstairs to the loo Liam said.

“We can open one present”“

“Goody” she squealed.

“Just one each before we leave for midnight mass” he called and when he returned downstairs, he was expecting to find her waiting impatiently to open a present.

But instead, he found her lying beside the tree with wrapping paper loosely draped about her clearly naked body and she said.

“You go first”.

Once Liam had un-wrapped his present and thoroughly enjoyed the contents, they were very nearly late for midnight mass.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (062) Yuletide Felicitations

 

Mornington-By-Mere is a small country village lying in the Finchbottom Vale nestled between the Ancient Dancingdean Forest and the rolling Pepperstock Hills.

It is a quaint picturesque village, a proper chocolate box picturesque idyll, with a Manor House, 12th Century Church, a Coaching Inn, Windmills, a Schoolhouse, a River, a Mere and an Old Forge, and Rob Hunter lived in the Old Forge with his wife Dorcas.

Rob arose very early on Sunday morning despite entertaining a very voracious and energetic Solicitor the day before, she slipped away well before first light having satisfied her insatiable appetite and left him sleeping.

The first thing he did was to breakfast in order to refuel after the previous evening’s excesses.

Next on the agenda was to strip the bed and launder the lust-stained bedding, and as he loaded the machine and set the program to wash his sins from the bed sheets, he harboured the futile wish that it could be that easy to wash his sins away.

I went upstairs and remade the bed with fresh linen in preparation of sullying them anew this time with his gorgeous wife Dorcas who he was picking up from Shallowfield Station after lunch.

His exceptionally early start to the day enabled him to complete all his chores with ease and after a long leisurely shower he left for church.

He would often lunch at the pub after church unfortunately he had to give it a miss as he was driving to pick up Dorcas that afternoon which he thought was a great shame.

Not the picking up his wife part, he meant it was a shame he was going to miss lunch with friends.

When he reached his front door, he found what was clearly a bottle of something in one of those decorative bottle bags, standing on the doorstep.

He picked it up and read the tag.

“Have a Merry Christmas, with love from a grateful patient”.

He smiled to himself because she wasn’t thanking him for his medical skills or bedside manner.

He went inside and made himself a rather boring sandwich and was just drying his hands after washing up his lunch plate when there was a knock at the door.

When he opened the door, he found Daisie Lewis on the other side of it, holding a Christmas parcel.

“Happy Christmas” she said with a beaming smile.

“Hey! Happy Christmas” he responded, “come in”.

“Ok” she said still smiling broadly “but no funny business”.

“No funny business” he agreed, and Daisie stepped inside

“You didn’t have to get me a gift,” he said to her as he took her coat, and she sat down on the sofa.

“Last Christmas my mum was drunk for ten days in a row, we had no decorations, no Christmas dinner, no electricity and no joy in my world”.

She said as tears were beginning to form in her eyes.

“This year, I have three jobs; I have a proper home, I have someone to mother me, I have money in the bank and a boyfriend and it’s all thanks to you”.

He tried to interrupt but Daisie continued

“If you hadn’t helped me, looked out for me, set me on the right path I wouldn’t be here now having the best Christmas I’ve ever had, I will always be grateful for that, and the other things of course” and she blushed.

The “other things” she was referring to would have been several sexual interludes that occurred between them, although that was not the reason, he helped her and he did not intend it to happen, but it happened, nonetheless.

Daisy stood up and gave him a big hug and an hour later she left his house considerably moister than when she had entered it.

“So much for no funny business,” he thought.

 

While he was showering for the second time that day, he thought how nice it was to get an early Christmas present and to give a gift to her as well.

If he got a present from every recipient of his lust, he would do very nicely and would need a considerably larger tree to put them under.

 

As a result of Daisie’s Yuletide felicitations, he was twenty minutes late leaving for the drive to Shallowfield.

He phoned to let Dorcas know he was running late, though not the reason, but she said that was ok as the train was running behind time anyway.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (061) Chance Encounter

 

In the southern town off Abbottsford, is the biggest in Downshire, its administrative capital and the seat of the Downshire government.

It was also a place of leaning thanks to the Downshire University, a Cathedral City and was home to Abbottsford Town football club, but it is also home to the arts with many entertainment venues, among which are the Regal and Empire theatres, and it was the theatres which brought Phil Harrison and Kathy Powell to town.

They were both in different productions but were both staying at the Regents Hotel.

Phil had been for a walk to clear his head and was returning to the Hotel when he saw former flame Kathy. 

As she walked in his direction he gave her a lecherous appraisal, she was small and slim but there were curves to her as well and just as he was remembering the sensual feel of her breasts, she caught sight of him.

“Hi Phil” she said and tottered over to him carrying costume bags in each hand.

“You look even more gorgeous than when I saw you last” he said, and he stooped down to kiss her cheek.

“What are you up to?” he asked, hoping the answer was nothing so he could reacquaint himself with her gorgeous body.

“I’m in a play at the Regents” she said a little breathless and her cheeks were flushed.

“I had to alter my costumes for the dress rehearsal”.

He had seen her breathless and flushed before and as he reminisced; he felt a slight trouser tickle.

“That’s a shame we could have had a catch up” he said.

“That would have been nice” She replied more enthusiastically than she intended and blushed.

“So, who are you dressing up as?” he queried.

“I’m a maid and a flapper” she replied, “I haven’t tried them on yet since I altered them, I hope they’re not too short and sexy”.

“It’s bound to be sexy with you in it” he said and made her giggle and blush.

“So, what are you doing here then?” she asked.

“I’m in the Panto at the Empire opening Saturday,” he replied.

“After that, nothing until March”

“Really, I thought you were booked up for months”.

“I was, but I had a cancelation, due to a fire in St Albans” he said, “So once I’m done here, I’m going to have some time on my hands, maybe take a holiday”.

“Well, I’d better go, or I’ll be late” she said and kissed his cheek then she blushed because of a salacious thought that crossed her mind, so she hurried off.

“Ok I’m only sorry I didn’t get to see you dressed as a maid” he called after her.

“I’ll let you have a private viewing” she called back and as she walked away; she was blushing an even deeper red than before.