Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 2

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas stockings?
Beneath your long red coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Christmas
For a certain horny old goat

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace

So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it

WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO

The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus

THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH

There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows

HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE

He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night

SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN

So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur

RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER

Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farse
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS

The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE

The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho

IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS

When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS CHRISTMAS

If only your left leg was Christmas
And your right leg was New Year’s Day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS THANKSGIVING

If only your left leg was Thanksgiving
And your right leg was Christmas day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays

YOU ARE A NAUGHTY LITTLE ELF

You are a naughty little Elf
Do you behave yourself?
By the look upon your face
You’re no stranger to disgrace
So it is my Christmas wish
To share a Christmas kiss
So climb upon me knee
And you will quickly see
I have that special touch
That you’ll like very much
When I curl your toes
Inside your ho ho hose

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?

Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl