Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 3

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Christmas hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?

DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA

Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball

Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat

If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation

A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?

IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

It was in the belfry
On Christmas Eve
High in the tower
I tried to retrieve
A poor little kitten
Who was stuck
When suddenly
The bell was struck
I lost my footing
And began to fall
I thought this is
The end of it all
So I had onto grab
Or surely die
My Ding dong
Merrily on high

EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY

Everyone is so happy
Damn them all to hell
But I drank too much last night
And today I feel unwell

The cheerful souls
Can’t abide to see a frown
And want me to turn
My frown upside down

At first I decided
That I would merely scoff
But it didn’t work
So I told them to piss off

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole

ARE YOU WEARING REINDEER ANTLERS?

Are you wearing Reindeer antlers?
Well not the most original twist
You’ve been making rather merry
More Christmas spirit than you could resist
What exactly am I suggesting?
A little too much wine would be the gist
What makes me think that?
Well I’ll tell you if you insist
Apart from the slurred speech
You are walking with a starboard list
And your antlers sit in disarray
So that’s how I know you’re pissed