Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 4

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

All year long I fancied Lucy
But she turned out to be fickle
So I thought I’d drown my sorrows
And have a few festive tipples
But I ended up in a cupboard
With a girl with hairy nipples

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

Amidst the preparations
For the up coming festivities
There has been a lot of demand
On the Church amenities

For those of us involved
In pulling the Christmas peel
Found the time to practise
Was far less than ideal

I found it difficult to fit it in
Around work and family needs
And often practised alone
At a very late hour indeed

One night it all got too much
The final straw I can’t remember
But as a result I decided to tie
The bell rope around my member

I don’t know why it was
That I succumbed to the pressure
But I was discovered
And I was tolled off by the vicar

RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT

Rudolph has been grounded
And severely reprimanded
The cause is his nocturnal activity
During the season of the nativity
Donner has been knocked up
And Vixen is a favourite tup
There are many more names
Who’ve played his reindeer games
He is insatiable, even the boys
Have fallen victim of his joys
Now Santa has had enough
Since he mounted Billy Goat Gruff

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9

Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games

So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again

But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie

MY EVERGREENS

Oh Holly and my Ivy
Of all the girls I’ve known
When they dress in the Santa gear
They really ring my bell

CHRISTMAS SPICE

Christmas time is very nice
But if I might offer some advice
You can add a spot of yuletide spice
If you indulge in a little festive vice

TIED UP WITH TINSEL

Have a little yuletide fun
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel

I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR

I saw a figure
On the stair
Wearing red velvet
Trimmed with fur

It was Santa Claus
In my view
With long white beard
And hat askew

But not a Santa
Of familiar build
And no sack was apparent
Generously filled

I thought the figure
To my surprise
Was rather pleasing
To the eyes

And curiously aroused
At the view
Of Santa
In red stiletto shoes

At that moment
At the top of the stair
The coat fell open
And I do declare

This sight of Santa
Left me aghast
Wearing black stockings
And leather Basque

The white beard
Fell to the floor
And then I understood
What I saw

Santa hadn’t brought me
A gift in a sack
Santa was the present
For me to unwrap

FAIRY ON THE TREE

Fairy, fairy on the tree
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum

HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS

I must definitely make sure
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull

SANTA AND ELFIE

Santa and Elfie
Were caught in the buff
At it in the grotto,
Santa and his bit of stuff
The store manager
Decided to get tough
And sacked them
Saying enough was enough
Now Santa’s not jolly
In fact he’s quite gruff
As Santa’s little helper
Is now up the duff

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS TIGHTS?

Are you wearing Christmas tights?
Adorned with a festive motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with Christmas motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief