CHRISTMAS LINDA PART 3 - FROM EVE TO EVE

 

Christmas Eve

 

It was Christmas Eve and the house was decorated for the season

A large fresh cut tree stood in the corner and perfumed the room

Adorned by a myriad of assorted baubles and lights 

Christmas cards of all shapes and sizes adorned every surface

And more hung on bright red and green ribbons from the picture rails

Bright colored Christmas garlands hung gaily criss-crossing the sealing

While outside through a break in the dark clouds

A shaft of week winter sunlight shone through the window

Reflecting off the garlands and painting random patterns on the walls

I sat watching TV in my favorite armchair in the front room

Of the house I shared with my wife and soul mate Linda

The woman I loved more then life itself

Both of us had been married before but Linda was the love of my life

We had spent 30 years apart before we found each other again

When our own Christmas miracle happened 20 years ago

And we have had 20 years of incredible happiness together

We had made good use of the years we had together

To make up for the lost time we were apart

And together we had had the fullest of lives

Christmas had always had particular significance for us

It was our favorite time of year and had always been so

Our most meaningful moments together happened at Christmas time

Finding love together, losing each other, finding each other, marrying each other

That’s why I called her Christmas Linda

We did Christmas big and we relished every moment

We would pack away all the ornaments and pictures

Replacing them with festive decorations we had collected over the years

There would be a houseful on Christmas day and Boxing Day

Sharing the celebration with family and friends

Then we would fly off to the sun for a few weeks

Neither of us could abide the New Years holiday

So we took ourselves away to enjoy each others company

But this year the season held no joy for me

Even James Stewart in “It’s a wonderful life” could not lift my spirits

And the reason for my gloomy disposition

Lay in the next room, where the dining table used to stand

Where we had so many wonderful Christmas dinners

The room full of the happy chatter of good company

The table heaving under the weight of Christmas fare

But in its place now stood a stark and clinical a hospital bed

And laying upon it the most precious thing in my life, Linda

Surrounded by all the paraphernalia of terminal illness

Her once vibrant body riddled with inoperable tumors

Their evil spread consuming her from within

The cancer was to far advanced when it was discovered

And she refused what little treatment there was on offer

She also stubbornly refused to die in hospital or a hospice

Saying she wished to die in our home where she had known such happiness

How could I refuse her that simple wish?

We had a private nurse who sat with her at night and I tended her by day

And I watched her dieing by inches every single day

The cruelest punishment for being so happy

My first wife was taken by cancer

And that was hard enough to bare

It’s always so hard when someone you love suffers

But as much as I loved my first wife and as hard as it was to watch her die

It was nothing compared to the intolerable despair I felt losing Linda

She was not only my wife she was my love, my life,

My soul mate, she was the one

I would sit with her and read to her

Sometimes Dickens, Stephen King or Tom Sharpe

Depending on her frame of mind

On her brighter days she would have me tell her jokes

She always said I was the only one who could make her laugh

Her brown hair with its soft curls had long since turned silver

And the sparkle was only rarely present in her eyes

The laughter that used to play around them replaced by pain

And it was on the morning of that Christmas Eve 

When she told me what she wanted for Christmas

She was always at her best in the morning

But on that morning she was having a good day

After she had eaten breakfast she asked me to pass her jewelry box

It was the very first Christmas gift I gave her

She often told me it was her most precious possession, after me

As I handed it to her she smiled and just for a second

There was a glimpse of her loveliness shinning through the pain

She patted the bed and bad me sit next to her

I sat on the bed next to her and she took my hand

“I have to say this to you today because I’m having a good day and

I don’t know how many good days I’ve got left”

I protested that she was being silly, she squeezed my hand

Then gave me a look which said that I knew she wasn’t

She opened her jewelry box and from a draw within

Took out a neatly folded handkerchief which she carefully unfolded

And inside were a dozen capsules containing her medication

She looked at me with her soulful eyes pleading with me

As the realization of what she was asking sank in I shook my head

On her good days she had salted away some of her medication

Until she now had enough to hasten the end 

She squeezed my hand again and said “Please do this for me”

She didn’t want me to do it there and then

She just wanted me to agree to do it when the time came

But the time would be very soon

“It’s the only gift you can give me this Christmas”

She looked in to my eyes and said

“I love you more than anything in the world

And I know with all my heart that you love me”

I could say nothing as tears welled up in my eyes

“Please do this thing for me” she pleaded

My heart was breaking at the choice I must make

Let her suffer or end her suffering and kill her

I said “I just can’t do it” and I got up and left the room

She didn’t call after me she knew I would be back

With tears streaming down my face I grabbed my coat

And went out the door and went for a walk

The day was cold, grey and damp

And clouds scudded across the December sky

Any hint of the promised sunny intervals was not in evidence

It was the kind of day that chilled you to the bone

But I didn’t feel it at all I just felt numb

You had to be alive to feel the cold and I was dieing inside

I walked for miles under the grey skies

Along the woodland paths we used to walk together

My mind in turmoil my eyes red with tears

If I did what she wanted I would lose her forever

The loss of her would be devastating

But not to let her go would just be selfish

My head was spinning I didn’t know which way to turn

Images of the happy moments together swam in and out of focus

Then as I walked into a clearing in the woods

Where once we had made love on a sultry afternoon

There was a sudden break in the clouds

And the woods were bathed in winter sunshine

And all at once I knew what I must do

When I returned to the house I went straight to her bedside

She was sleeping; so I sat on the chair beside her bed

And rested my head on the bed beside her

Then I felt her hand gently stroking my hair

I sat up and her hand moved to my cheek

I took it in my own and kissed it softly and said

“I’ll do what ever you want me to do”

 

New Years Eve

 

Christmas had past and I was glad of it

It was without doubt the worst Christmas of my life

Full of tears and sadness instead of happiness and laughter

There was no wondrous Christmas feast

No table laden with Christmas delights

No hearty laughter or light hearted banter

Just an endless stream of visitors, friends and family

As cheery as was possible, putting on a brave face

All coming with forced smiles to bring the seasons greetings

But all leaving with tears knowing she would not see the spring

I know I sound ungrateful and I’m not really

But every visit ate into the precious time Linda and I had left

I knew how important it was to Linda to see everyone

Even the doctor called in to make sure she was comfortable

And in between visits I would sit watching the needles dropping from the tree

As if each dropping needle symbolized Linda’s plight

And as I sat alone in my favorite armchair on New Years Eve

Staring at the pine needles scattered beneath the tree

I tried to come to terms with the fact that Linda would die with the old year

Since Christmas Eve when she made her request

Linda had been in good spirits

She had seen everyone in the world that mattered to her

And said all the things she needed to say

So Linda had decided that morning that enough was enough

I tried to remain cheerful for her but she could see through it

“I know you’re hurting too” she said the pain etched in her face

And with that we made our plans for our last day together

I phoned the nurse telling her she should have the night off

To enjoy the celebrations with her family

She was very grateful and accepted my explanation without question

I filled the room with lighted candles and in the flickering light

Linda and I spent the evening together looking at photographs

And reliving the great times of our life together

We played the music that formed the soundtrack of our lives

Then an hour before midnight she handed me the folded handkerchief

I opened it and inside were now close to twenty capsules

One by one I broke them open emptying the contents into a wine glass

I filled the glass with Port and gave it a stir

And I put the glass on the bedside table before sitting on the bed

Then I took her hand and kissed it and lent forward and kissed her mouth

I started to say good bye but she put her hand to my mouth

Then I reached over and picked up the glass

And held it up to her lips and she took a drink

Then a little more and a little more until the glass was empty

I wiped her mouth with the hanky and she burped

And she laughed that wonderful laugh

The candles sputtered and the flames flickered

Then she said “I love you so very much” squeezing my hand

“I love you too” I said as I sat holding her hand in mine

And then we just sat in silence looking at each other until her eyes closed

The Village clock began chiming the hour

Her hand went limp and her breathing became shallow

And then all the pain in her face was suddenly gone

The clock chimed twelve marking the passing of the old year

And also unknowingly marked Linda’s passing 

I don’t know how long I sat there holding her dead hand

With the tears streaming down my face

But as I sat there I knew what had to be done

I poured myself a large whisky and sat in my favorite armchair

Where I wrote a long letter explaining what I had done

And what I was about to do

With the letter written I put it into an envelope

And placed it on the mantelpiece where it would be easily found

Then I drank my whisky and reached into my pocket

And removed the contents placing them on my lap

Then I filled the syringe with the insulin I had stolen from the doctor’s bag

And injected myself with the full syringe

And as my eyes grew heavy I could feel Linda’s hand on my shoulder

And felt her fingers in my hair as I drifted into a coma

And she whispered “I love you” in my ear as my eyes closed

When my eyes opened again I couldn’t believe what I saw

It was a place that was familiar to me and it was snowing

And the street was full of happy smiling people

And there amongst them was Linda larger than life, vivacious and self assured

Covered with snowflakes and laughing

My snow angel, my Christmas Linda

With snow covering her like sugar on a doughnut

Wrapped up against the cold in a woolen hat and coat

And a long knitted scarf draped about her neck

She shook her head and her light brown hair danced about her shoulders

And the snowflakes fell away from her soft curls

Only to be replaced by fresh ones

There was a rosy redness on her cheeks and she was young again

We were both young again and we had gone back 50 years

She threw herself at me and hugged me tightly

I smelled her hair as I held her and was intoxicated by her scent

We were stood at the taxi stand and snow fell onto Linda’s soft curls

We took our place in the queue and we kissed

All too soon a taxi arrived but this time we both got in

And through the winter wonderland we departed this time never to be apart again