Christmas 2015 # 3

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia

ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?

Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?

I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM

I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint

DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY

Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas

THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed

WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart

Christmas 2015 # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?

I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY

I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang

A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR

A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED

Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh

I EAT EVERYTHING

I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings

Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”

Christmas 2015 # 2

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney

ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace

So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?

Christmas 2016 # 1

WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?

Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet

I REMEMBER THE TIME

I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause

FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE

Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year

I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES

I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!

REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT

Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it

IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY

In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you

CHRISTMAS PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents

FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON

For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve

A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE

A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1

That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays

WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS

When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow

Christmas 2015 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?

Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise

BAD SANTA # 1

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1

Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek

ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?

Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer

FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY

Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true

Tales from the Finchbottom Vale – (65) The Gentle Giant and the Christmas Maid

(Part 01)

Aaron Keller was a great bear of a man, standing 6’ 6” tall, barrell chested with hands like shovels.
But he was brought to his knees by a skinny Little waif standind 4’ 11” by the name of Toni Kendall.
They were both in their mid twenties, both had flaming red hair but he was a gentle giant who barely spoke and she was a little livewire who never shut up.
The other thing that they had in common was more significant and that was the fact that they were in love, though neither of them knew that they were the recipient of that love.
Aaron couldn’t imagine that a beautiful little thing like Toni could ever be interested in him, and she thought he was probably looking for someone as quiet as him.
They both worked at Maxlin’s Holiday Camp in Sharpinghead, she was a chalet maid and he was a general handyman.
Aaron lived in Sharpinghead but Toni was from Finchbottom and as the summer season was coming to an end she was running out of time, if nothing happened between them they would go their separate ways and they would be unlikely to see each other again, but if she got her way, and got her man, she would stay on.
She had been following him around the camp for the whole summer in the hope that he would take her in his arms, but no matter how much she flirted with him the result was the same and she cursed his shyness.

Toni finally got her man when they were on what was known as mothball duties, closing down those chalet that would not be needed during the winter season, which meant a major clean and then all the furniture was sheeted.
Because she was so tiny she managed to enlist the help of the gentle giant with moving the furniture, though she was more than capable of doing it herself, because she was much stronger than she looked, she just used it as an excuse to get close to him.
But despite her managing to get Aaron to help her, it didn’t really help her in the way she wanted because she was such a chatterbox, so even if he could have found the words he wanted to use he would have struggled to get a word in edgeways.

However every thing came good in the end when They were on their fifth chalet and all was not going well for Toni as she was hoping he might have made a move on her by that stage, afterall they were alone and had been in very close proximity on many occasions.
She was also annoyed at her self because although she was a confident sparky girl she hadnt just come out with it and ask him out.
What Toni wanted though was for him to ask her but nothing happened so she decided that she had to make him get physical.
Toni started by undoing the braces on his overall as he picked things up and when he reatached that one she undid the other and so on and so fourth until he took action.

However she didn’t know when she started messing around quite how physical he would get.
But she wasn’t complaining when the gentle giant had her draped over his shoulder and he was playfully smaking her knicker clad buttocks while he watched the reflexion of his handywork in the mirror.

(Part 02)

Toni didn’t know when she started messing around with Aaron quite how physical he would get.
But she wasn’t complaining when the gentle giant had her draped over his shoulder and he was playfully smaking her knicker clad buttocks while he watched the reflexion of his handywork in the mirror.
However he only gave her another two strokes before Toni called a halt to proceedings.
“Put me down” she screamed “Put me down now”
“What’s wrong baby girl?” he said playfully “Have you had enough?”
“Just put me down” she insisted, and as he lowered her to the floor he cursed himself under his breath for going too far, but he couldn’t help it, he was really having fun.
“I’m sorry” he said when she was stood looking up at him “I went too far didn’t I?”
“Don’t be sorry” she snapped and pushed him backwards onto a chair “You haven’t gone far enough yet”
“Oh?” he responded as she inched towards him and when they were nose to nose she kissed him.

After that first time they couldn’t keep there hands off eachother and suffice is to say that she didn’t return home to Finchbottom and stayed on at Maxlin’s and the prospect of spending all winter kissing and canoodling kept them warm.
Though they didn’t have many opportunities for work time kissing and cuddling as they didn’t often work together but when they weren’t working they didn’t go out in the world much.
But halfway through the winter they got to work together again when they had to reopen some of the chalets they had mothballed earlier in the year in preparation of the Christmas season and that was when they told each other that they loved them.

It had been over a year since Toni and Aaron got together but they were as mad for each other as ever and their second Christmas together was on the horizon.
When November finally arrived Toni decided it was time to decorate for Christmas but no one could remember where the decorations were put after the previous year.
After two weeks of searching every nook and cranny they were finally spotted in the loft in the staff block by the head of housekeeping, Christine Evans.

In the staff accommodation village there were rows of chalets, similar in design to the guest accommodation but much smaller, and at the center was the staff block.
This contained offices, store rooms and a common room, with comfortable chairs, where staff can sit around and relax, drink coffee and watch TV or just sit around talking.

Christine Evans hadn’t actually seen the decorations herself as she had never been in the loft, and that was because she was scared, partly of the dark but mainly of cobwebs and spiders, but one of her staff had seen them.

(Part 03)

Toni and Christine were stood talking in the common room when Aaron walked through the door.
“Did you want to see me?” he said to Christine
“Yes, we’ve located the Christmas Decorations” she replied
“So come on big boy” Toni said cheekily “it’s time to get the Dec’s down from the loft”

The entrance to the loft, where the Decoration’s had been seen, was via a large hatch way in the common room ceiling.
Aaron reached up one of his great paws and pulled the catch and the hatch swung open and then he pulled down the loft ladder.
“Are you going up?” he asked Christine knowing the answer
“No fear” she said and shivered
“Go on then Danger Mouse” he said to Toni “You go first”

Without hesitation she was straight up the ladder and Aaron followed quickly behind her and enjoyed the view up her skirt of her jiggling buttocks as she wiggled up the ladder, he enjoyed the view above the top of her long socks.
She knew that he would and frankly would have been disappointed if he hadn’t.
He would have pinched her bum if Christine hadn’t been looking on.

Once they reached the top Toni switched the light on and started looking around but despite the light the corners were quite gloomy.
So Aaron switched on his torch which Toni immediately snatched from his hand.
It was quite a large space and was used as an additional storage area during the peak season and during the course of the year the boxes of Christmas decorations, which had been put up there after the previous year’s festivities, were gradually pushed further and further back from their starting point.
“There they are” she squealed excitedly and rushed to the far corner of the loft.
She then got down on her hands and knees and began pushing boxes in Aaron’s direction.
“Oh shit” she exclaimed
“What wrong luv?”
“The Angel has fallen out of the box” she said sadly “and it’s fallen down behind this thing”
The “Thing” she was referring to was the wooden “A” frame that held the roof up.
“There it is” she said as she shined the torch beam into the darkness.
It hadn’t fallen too far but it was difficult to get at because of all the boxes in the way.
“Can you reach it?” she asked you’ve got longer arms than me”
“A T-Rex has longer arms than you” he retorted and laughed but he clambered up however he couldn’t get close enough to the objective to bring his long reach into play.
“I can’t get close enough” he said as he crouched down “I’ll just have to move these boxes”
“That will take too long” she said impatiently
“I’ll just have to wriggle between the woody things, you can hold onto my legs so I don’t fall”
“Ok” he replied and she headed towards the biggest gap while Aaron moved some of the boxes to accommodate his huge feet.
The gap she went for was a little above Aaron’s waist height but it was higher for a skinny little waif of 4’ 11”.
He was helping her through the small opening between the roof supports and she wriggled and squirmed like a little ginger fish.

(Part 04)

He was helping her through the small opening between the roof supports and she wriggled and squirmed like a little ginger fish.
“How are you doing?” he asked
“I’ve almost got it” she replied “another couple of inches should do it”
“Ok” he said and manhandled her a bit further and in the process the hem of her skirt was pulled up towards her waist and he was so mesmerised by what came into view that he absentmindedly caressed her plump little buttock .
“What was that?” She asked
“Cobwebs” he lied
“Ok” she replied doubtfully but he didn’t pay attention his mind was on other things as he took something from his pocket.
“I’ve got it” she shouted triumphantly “pull me back”
So he began retrieving her small frame from the darkness and lowered her to the floor.
“See I’ve got it” she said holding the angel up proudly
“Well done, its very nice” he said “But I thought you’d be more interested in this little precious parcel”
“Whats that?”
“I don’t know but it has your name on it” he said
“Has it?” she exclaimed and thrust the angel into his chest and tried to snatch the little parcel from his great paw but as Aaron was such a great bear of a man, standing 6’ 6” tall and she was
a skinny little waif standind 4’ 11” he easily held the gift out of her reach.
“Gimmi, gimmi” she said “you meanie”
“Calling me names isnt going to work” he said
“You used to be a nice boy” Toni said “But now you’re just mean”
“Ok I’ll take it away then” Aaron said and walked towards the loft hatch
“No don’t take it away” she pleaded and hopped up and down
“Please, please, please”
“I dont think you deserve it”
“But I do” she said “I really do”
“oh ok then” he relented and gave her the little parcel which she tore into in seconds to reveal a ring box and she gasped
“Whats this?” she asked in a whisper
“Open it and see” he instructed and after a deep breath she opened the box to reveal a solitaire diamond engagement ring and she gasped again.
“Is this what i think it is?” she asked
“I don’t know” he said “What do you think it is?”
“Is it an…. Engagement ring?” she asked in a childlike voice
“Yes” he replied
“You want to marry me?” Toni asked
“Yes” Aaron said and she launched herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck, almost breaking the angel in the process, and kissed him.