PUZZLED AUNTY

 

Bimbette wouldn’t buy

Her niece a jigsaw

For Christmas, even though

She’d asked for it before

It was because it was labelled

6-8 years

So not finishing it in the two week

Holiday was her fear

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (016) Christmas Wrap

 

When I was a kid and it came time for the “oldies” to open their presents I was always amazed by the fuss they would make about the wrapping paper.

They would first admire it then they would caress it tenderly and then they would gingerly begin to unwrap the gift, and once unwrapped they would inexplicably set aside the present while they carefully folded the wrapping paper so it could be used again the following year, and then and only then would they turn their full attention on the gift, and then this ritual would be repeated with each subsequent present and would be performed by all of the oldies.

As a child I was confused and quite frankly didn’t understand why they didn’t tear the paper to shreds like the rest of us.

Looking back, I can only assume that this was as a result of having been through the hard times, the depression of the thirties, the shortages of the war years and the austerity of the fifties.

My mum would go through the whole ritual and would carefully tuck her pile of wrapping paper, bows and ribbons, away in the sideboard draw “Ready for next year”.

Come the next year and the fabulous treasures which had been so thoughtfully secreted away were nowhere to be seen, only new rolls of wrapping paper, packs of bows and reels of ribbons.

So, I think to myself sanity has been restored this year it will be about the presents not what they were wrapped in.

But no, on Christmas day it’s the same ritual all over again.

 

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (015) A Question of Pooh

Its Christmas time again, as if anyone could fail to notice, even without leaving my house I can see more than half a dozen houses decorated to the hilt.

Every coloured light imaginable, Santa’s on the roof or climbing a ladder, sleighs, elves, snowmen, bells, stars, baubles and last but by no means least standing almost four feet high, that perennial Christmas favourite, Winnie the Pooh.

Wait a minute though you might well be saying what does Pooh have to do with Christmas? Well every other house seems to have one so there must be something in it.

I don’t recall mention of him in the bible and in the many nativity plays I have seen over the years he was conspicuous by his absence and although there is a donkey, but it’s not Eeyore.

The stable did not house Piglet and the wise men did not travel from the east with Tigger baring gifts of Huney.

Nor in any of the Christmas traditions around the world is there a single reference to Pooh as one of Santa’s helpers.

There’s Black Peter, The Jolly Elf, even the devil figure Krampus but no Pooh, but people still give him pride of place on their lawns at Christmas.

I just don’t get it.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (014) Things That Go Bump, Electrickery and Other Disasters

It was in the early hours of Christmas morning when I was awoken by a loud crash from the direction of the chimney breast, I looked around and my wife who is a very light sleeper hadn’t stirred.

Now given the time of the year and the time of night someone younger or more impressionable might have thought it was Father Christmas about his work in the chimney, however being a grizzled old cynic, I thought it more likely to be either a burglar or perhaps the wind blowing over my chimney or even subsidence, but not Santa.

I lay awake for about ten minutes trying to work out what the noise was and hearing no further noises I decided it must have been a dream and went back to sleep.

 

A few hours later I was awoken suddenly again, this time by three excitement crazed children dragging their sacks of presents behind them, one thing was for sure, there would be no return to sleep after this disturbance.

When the children had opened all their stocking presents, they rushed off downstairs for breakfast leaving a scene of utter devastation behind them.

 

After breakfast I went back upstairs and showered and then went into the bedroom to dress for the day.

On opening the wardrobe door, I discovered the source of the crash that had woken me up several hours earlier, the rail in the wardrobe had collapsed and all the clothes were in a heap at the bottom, lying on top of the shoes.

“So, it wasn’t a dream then” I said to myself.

Five minutes later and wearing a slightly creased shirt I made my way back downstairs to what sounded like bedlam.

 

The rest of the morning went according to plan; the children opened their main presents from under the tree and disappeared off to play with their favourites.

 

By twelve o’clock the dining table was laid complete with my late mother’s best tablecloth, Christmas napkins, party favours, best china, glassware, and the brand-new table centre, while emanating from the kitchen was the sound of steam rattling the saucepan lids together with the mouth-watering aroma of roasting Turkey.      

In the lounge my wife was holding court with myself and her parents looking on as she was opening the few presents that still remained.

I left the group to go and boil the kettle for a drink and as I entered the kitchen, I looked at the electric cooker and there was one ring lit with nothing on it, so I checked the other rings to make sure that the saucepan with the potatoes had heat under it, which it did.

So, I went to switch off the vacant ring only to discover it was already switched off.

Now there had been a little water spilled on the hob from where one of the pans had begun to boil over so I mopped up the spillage and using reverse psychology I turned the rogue ring on believing this would in fact turn it off, but it didn’t, it just tripped the breaker in the meter cupboard instead.

I went to the cupboard and reset the breaker and it tripped immediately, so then we decided to wait for ten minutes before we repeated the exercise, which ended with the same result.

It was decided that we could not use the cooker as it was just too dangerous, with my wife almost in tears I said, “it’s not the end of the world darling, and nobody died”.

So, with true Dunkirk spirit we made the best of a bad situation, as luck would have it the Turkey was cooked, as was the stuffing, pigs in blankets, and the Potatoes where boiled.

The remaining vegetables we were able to cook in the microwave and all we had to forgo were the roast potatoes and parsnips.

Now it wasn’t the most successful Christmas lunch we ever had but it could have been a lot worse.

“Bad things always come in three’s” I think we all thought it but equally we all refrained from saying it out loud.

 

The next day, Sunday, passed off without incident, for us anyway, my wife had to hit the stores in the Boxing Day sales to choose a new cooker.

 

It was late in the evening when, sitting down in front of the TV we saw the news for the first time that day and we heard the dreadful news about the Tsunami for the first time and even then, it didn’t even hint at just how big a tragedy it really was.         

Two hundred and fifty thousand dead in a heartbeat from Indonesia to Sri Lanka and beyond, and still counting.

 

We had our new cooker delivered on Thursday 30^th December and in total we were inconvenienced for five whole days, five days before normality was restored to our household.

Many of the survivors of the Tsunami would never have their lives fully restored to what they knew before Boxing Day.

 

So, in future I suggest you all count your blessing, and make the best of what you have because it’s a lot more than many.

 

SANTA HAS TO WORK HARDER THIS YEAR

Santa has to work harder this year

At the North Pole I fear

Since the jackpot of Euromillions

Was won by Santa minions

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE ALPHABET

There is a difference between the Alphabet

And the Christmas one which we know well

And it’s quite logical when you think about it

Because the Christmas Alphabet has no L

CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE KENNELS

It was Christmas Eve in the kennels

And all the canines were all agog

They all made merry all night long

Finishing by singing Fleas Navi Dog