Uncanny Christmas Tales – (015) A Question of Pooh

Its Christmas time again, as if anyone could fail to notice, even without leaving my house I can see more than half a dozen houses decorated to the hilt.

Every coloured light imaginable, Santa’s on the roof or climbing a ladder, sleighs, elves, snowmen, bells, stars, baubles and last but by no means least standing almost four feet high, that perennial Christmas favourite, Winnie the Pooh.

Wait a minute though you might well be saying what does Pooh have to do with Christmas? Well every other house seems to have one so there must be something in it.

I don’t recall mention of him in the bible and in the many nativity plays I have seen over the years he was conspicuous by his absence and although there is a donkey, but it’s not Eeyore.

The stable did not house Piglet and the wise men did not travel from the east with Tigger baring gifts of Huney.

Nor in any of the Christmas traditions around the world is there a single reference to Pooh as one of Santa’s helpers.

There’s Black Peter, The Jolly Elf, even the devil figure Krampus but no Pooh, but people still give him pride of place on their lawns at Christmas.

I just don’t get it.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (014) Things That Go Bump, Electrickery and Other Disasters

It was in the early hours of Christmas morning when I was awoken by a loud crash from the direction of the chimney breast, I looked around and my wife who is a very light sleeper hadn’t stirred.

Now given the time of the year and the time of night someone younger or more impressionable might have thought it was Father Christmas about his work in the chimney, however being a grizzled old cynic, I thought it more likely to be either a burglar or perhaps the wind blowing over my chimney or even subsidence, but not Santa.

I lay awake for about ten minutes trying to work out what the noise was and hearing no further noises I decided it must have been a dream and went back to sleep.

 

A few hours later I was awoken suddenly again, this time by three excitement crazed children dragging their sacks of presents behind them, one thing was for sure, there would be no return to sleep after this disturbance.

When the children had opened all their stocking presents, they rushed off downstairs for breakfast leaving a scene of utter devastation behind them.

 

After breakfast I went back upstairs and showered and then went into the bedroom to dress for the day.

On opening the wardrobe door, I discovered the source of the crash that had woken me up several hours earlier, the rail in the wardrobe had collapsed and all the clothes were in a heap at the bottom, lying on top of the shoes.

“So, it wasn’t a dream then” I said to myself.

Five minutes later and wearing a slightly creased shirt I made my way back downstairs to what sounded like bedlam.

 

The rest of the morning went according to plan; the children opened their main presents from under the tree and disappeared off to play with their favourites.

 

By twelve o’clock the dining table was laid complete with my late mother’s best tablecloth, Christmas napkins, party favours, best china, glassware, and the brand-new table centre, while emanating from the kitchen was the sound of steam rattling the saucepan lids together with the mouth-watering aroma of roasting Turkey.      

In the lounge my wife was holding court with myself and her parents looking on as she was opening the few presents that still remained.

I left the group to go and boil the kettle for a drink and as I entered the kitchen, I looked at the electric cooker and there was one ring lit with nothing on it, so I checked the other rings to make sure that the saucepan with the potatoes had heat under it, which it did.

So, I went to switch off the vacant ring only to discover it was already switched off.

Now there had been a little water spilled on the hob from where one of the pans had begun to boil over so I mopped up the spillage and using reverse psychology I turned the rogue ring on believing this would in fact turn it off, but it didn’t, it just tripped the breaker in the meter cupboard instead.

I went to the cupboard and reset the breaker and it tripped immediately, so then we decided to wait for ten minutes before we repeated the exercise, which ended with the same result.

It was decided that we could not use the cooker as it was just too dangerous, with my wife almost in tears I said, “it’s not the end of the world darling, and nobody died”.

So, with true Dunkirk spirit we made the best of a bad situation, as luck would have it the Turkey was cooked, as was the stuffing, pigs in blankets, and the Potatoes where boiled.

The remaining vegetables we were able to cook in the microwave and all we had to forgo were the roast potatoes and parsnips.

Now it wasn’t the most successful Christmas lunch we ever had but it could have been a lot worse.

“Bad things always come in three’s” I think we all thought it but equally we all refrained from saying it out loud.

 

The next day, Sunday, passed off without incident, for us anyway, my wife had to hit the stores in the Boxing Day sales to choose a new cooker.

 

It was late in the evening when, sitting down in front of the TV we saw the news for the first time that day and we heard the dreadful news about the Tsunami for the first time and even then, it didn’t even hint at just how big a tragedy it really was.         

Two hundred and fifty thousand dead in a heartbeat from Indonesia to Sri Lanka and beyond, and still counting.

 

We had our new cooker delivered on Thursday 30^th December and in total we were inconvenienced for five whole days, five days before normality was restored to our household.

Many of the survivors of the Tsunami would never have their lives fully restored to what they knew before Boxing Day.

 

So, in future I suggest you all count your blessing, and make the best of what you have because it’s a lot more than many.

 

SANTA HAS TO WORK HARDER THIS YEAR

Santa has to work harder this year

At the North Pole I fear

Since the jackpot of Euromillions

Was won by Santa minions

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE ALPHABET

There is a difference between the Alphabet

And the Christmas one which we know well

And it’s quite logical when you think about it

Because the Christmas Alphabet has no L

CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE KENNELS

It was Christmas Eve in the kennels

And all the canines were all agog

They all made merry all night long

Finishing by singing Fleas Navi Dog

 

Snippets of Downshire Life – The Christmas Sleeper

Twin sisters Adriana and Abigail Archibald were both medical students at Edinburgh University and they were travelling home to Downshire for the Christmas Holidays on the sleeper.

It would have been a quicker journey if they’d flown, but Adriana was a nervous flyer and Abigail didn’t want to make her fly if she wasn’t happy and they both quite enjoyed the train.

 

Their destination was Turnoak-Under-Hawthorne, a large rambling village, originally settled in the 12^th century on the sparsely wooded slopes on the Northern fringe of the Finchbottom Vale about 5 miles from Purplemere, and it was everything you would expect from a Downshire Village.

The Archibald family had lived in the village for many years and were of the landed gentry and the girls had been educated at Carrington Chase, which was Downshire’s version of Roedean, although those in Downshire thought it was the other way around.

 

They were identical twins, Adriana was the older of the two by an hour and was five foot two with bobbed flame red hair and a pale complexion, green eyes and had cutely freckled cheeks.

Abigail was two inches taller than her sister and had fewer freckles but more hair, she was also the quiet one of the two sisters and relied on Adrianas boldness to help her in social situations.

 

Also aboard were lifelong best friends, Gary Stanley and Will Finch, who were also heading south from Scotland, but in their case, they had been studying languages at St Andrews and lived in Abbottsford.

Despite the fact the four of them were all from Downshire and had all been at Edinburg for two and a half years they had never crossed paths, that was in part because they studied very different subjects and probably more significantly because the boys had never got the train before

The only reason they were on the train that December was that Will had an inner ear problem following a bad case of flu.

But when they did meet up they hit it off immediately and the guys were instantly attracted to the girls, not a love at first sight kind of thing, but close, and that was before they’d even heard the Archibald girls speak in their posh Carrington Chase educated voices.

 

As it was a week before Christmas there was a great atmosphere on the train, which was aided by the fact that the majority of the passengers flauted the rules and smuggled liberal quantities of alcohol on board with them.

 

The Archibald twins were stunningly beautiful and even wearing their ultra-casual travelling outfits they were still drop dead gorgeous girls, and as the journey progressed they were not short of admirers, male and female, and under normal circumstances they would have flirted along with the them, the male ones at least, but they had both fallen for the language students, and they made that perfectly clear to any interlopers.    

They managed to commandeer a four-seat table, with the girls on one side and the lads on the other, and primarily just chatted, mainly about Edinburg, and amazed each other with the number of places they all frequented and the amount of acquaintances they had in common.

The atmosphere in the carriage was not unlike the student’s union on a Friday night as the cheap wine and cider flowed, but although some of the passengers were partying hard on the journey Will was on mineral water because of his issue with equilibrium.

 

Adriana glanced sideways where Abi and Will were sat facing each other across the table, each resting on their elbows.  

But she had tired of the conversation even if Abi hadn’t so she slipped quietly away from the table and took Gary with her and when she looked back the other two hadnt even noticed that they had gone.

The moment they left the bar car Adriana pushed him into the nearest corner and kissed him and his response was instantaneous.

But the kiss was short and sweet as there appeared to be a constant flow of people between the carriages and the toilet.

Gary tried to resume but Adriansa evaded his lips,

“No not here” she said and walked away “Come on”

And then she ran giggling down the corridor and he ran after her until she stopped abruptly at the end of the car, where she stood fingering her hair and chewing her lip while she waited for him and then he kissed her.

 

Abigail suddenly became aware that Adriana and Gary had gone

“Theyre not here” she said “Where did they go?”

“When did they go?” he asked and they both laughed

They were really enjoying eachothers company and the conversation but the more they talked the more she wanted to kiss him, but she couldn’t.

If Adriana was in her situation and wanted to kiss him he would already have been kissed, but she wasnt bold like her twin, she was the shy one so she couldn’t take the kiss she wanted.

Unfortunately Will was no better, he normally relied on alcohol for his bravery, but he wasn’t allowed to drink, so they both carried on and made the best of the situation, and just kept enjoying eachother.

Which they did for the next five minutes or so until the train came to a jerky dissordally halt and they found themselves nose to nose.

 

“Nice” Adriana said and kissed him again

“Very nice” Gary said

“I agree, but we’d better get back” she said

“Ok” he agreed reluctantly

“Do you think they’re wondering where we are?” he asked

“Hardly, they probably haven’t even noticed we’ve gone” she said, “And if they have Abi will just say “oh there you are” and carry on with the conversation”

They were laughing when they entered the carriage but stopped abruptly when they discovered Abigail and Will were still sat facing each other across the table, each resting on their elbows, but were now leant forward engaged in a very tender kiss.

Adriana and Gary looked at each other, smiled, nodded and retraced their steps and resumed their own kiss.

 

 

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (013) An Unentertaining Christmas

 

Since the advent of Cable, Satellite and Streaming the quality of the entertainment seems to diminish as each Christmas passes.

It used to be bad enough in the old days when there were only three channels to fill, but we did at least get some great Christmas fare.

Now we allegedly have more choice than we have ever had, although I think the reality is that we merely have more channels, and the same or even less quality.

In truth the terrestrial channels can’t really compete although to be honest they don’t even try don’t even try any more to offer anything that we might consider to be of acceptable quality.

Year after year all five channels are packed with a mixture of repeats and things which should never be seen again.

I remember a Christmas not long ago; I can’t remember one single stand out program that appeared on the terrestrial channels that year.

To be truthful it doesn’t have to be the latest Christmas schedule as every one is the same.

The Great Escape, Tom Browns schooldays, Mr Chips and the obligatory Sound of Music.

However, there are sometimes a selection of new dramas though quite honestly, they do tend to flatter to deceive.

I remember one holiday season several years ago where one of the offerings was something called “Uncle Adolph”, God alone knows what they were thinking.

Ken Stott had the lead role, although he was more reminiscent of Groucho Marx than the Fuhrer and at one point good old incestuous Uncle Adolph was sat knocking out a tune on the piano to impress his pretty young niece and I genuinely thought he was going to burst into a chorus of “Springtime for Hitler”, to be quite honest the play couldn’t have been anymore ludicrous if he had.

I do still get my bumper Christmas edition of the Radio Times every year and open it with real hope that this year will be better than the one before, but alas.