Christmas
Eve
It
was Christmas Eve, and the house was decorated for the season
A
large fresh cut tree stood in the corner and perfumed the room
Adorned
by a myriad of assorted baubles and lights
Christmas
cards of all shapes and sizes adorned every surface
And
more hung on bright red and green ribbons from the picture rails
Bright
colored Christmas garlands hung gaily crisscrossing the sealing
While
outside through a break in the dark clouds
A
shaft of week winter sunlight shone through the window
Reflecting
off the garlands and painting random patterns on the walls
I
sat watching TV in my favorite armchair in the front room
Of
the house I shared with my wife and soul mate Linda
The
woman I loved more than life itself
Both
of us had been married before but Linda was the love of my life
We
had spent 30 years apart before we found each other again
When
our own Christmas miracle happened 20 years ago
And
we have had 20 years of incredible happiness together
We
had made good use of the years we had together
To
make up for the lost time we were apart
And
together we had had the fullest of lives
Christmas
had always had particular significance for us
It
was our favorite time of year and had always been so
Our
most meaningful moments together happened at Christmas time
Finding
love together, losing each other, finding each other, marrying each other
That’s
why I called her Christmas Linda
We
did Christmas big, and we relished every moment
We
would pack away all the ornaments and pictures
Replacing
them with festive decorations we had collected over the years
There
would be a houseful on Christmas day and Boxing Day
Sharing
the celebration with family and friends
Then
we would fly off to the sun for a few weeks
Neither
of us could abide the New Year’s holiday
So,
we took ourselves away to enjoy each other’s company
But
this year the season held no joy for me
Even
James Stewart in “It’s a wonderful life” could not lift my spirits
And
the reason for my gloomy disposition
Lay
in the next room, where the dining table used to stand
Where
we had so many wonderful Christmas dinners
The
room full of the happy chatter of good company
The
table heaving under the weight of Christmas fare
But
in its place now stood a stark and clinical a hospital bed
And
laying upon it the most precious thing in my life, Linda
Surrounded
by all the paraphernalia of terminal illness
Her
once vibrant body riddled with inoperable tumors
Their
evil spread consuming her from within
The
cancer was too far advanced when it was discovered
And
she refused what little treatment there was on offer
She
also stubbornly refused to die in hospital or a hospice
Saying
she wished to die in our home where she had known such happiness
How
could I refuse her that simple wish?
We
had a private nurse who sat with her at night, and I tended her by day
And
I watched her dying by inches every single day
The
cruelest punishment for being so happy
My
first wife was taken by cancer
And
that was hard enough to bare
It’s
always so hard when someone you love suffers
But
as much as I loved my first wife and as hard as it was to watch her die
It
was nothing compared to the intolerable despair I felt losing Linda
She
was not only my wife she was my love, my life,
My
soul mate, she was the one
I
would sit with her and read to her
Sometimes
Dickens, Stephen King or Tom Sharpe
Depending
on her frame of mind
On
her brighter days she would have me tell her jokes
She
always said I was the only one who could make her laugh
Her
brown hair with its soft curls had long since turned silver
And
the sparkle was only rarely present in her eyes
The
laughter that used to play around them replaced by pain
And
it was on the morning of that Christmas Eve
When
she told me what she wanted for Christmas
She
was always at her best in the morning
But
on that morning, she was having a good day
After
she had eaten breakfast, she asked me to pass her jewelry box
It
was the very first Christmas gift I gave her
She
often told me it was her most precious possession, after me
As
I handed it to her, she smiled and just for a second
There
was a glimpse of her loveliness shining through the pain
She
patted the bed and bad me sit next to her
I
sat on the bed next to her and she took my hand
“I
have to say this to you today because I’m having a good day and
I
don’t know how many good days I’ve got left”
I
protested that she was being silly, she squeezed my hand
Then
gave me a look which said that I knew she wasn’t
She
opened her jewelry box and from a draw within
Took
out a neatly folded handkerchief which she carefully unfolded
And
inside were a dozen capsules containing her medication
She
looked at me with her soulful eyes pleading with me
As
the realization of what she was asking sank in I shook my head
On
her good days she had salted away some of her medication
Until
she now had enough to hasten the end
She
squeezed my hand again and said “Please do this for me”
She
didn’t want me to do it there and then
She
just wanted me to agree to do it when the time came
But
the time would be very soon
“It’s
the only gift you can give me this Christmas”
She
looked into my eyes and said
“I
love you more than anything in the world
And
I know with all my heart that you love me”
I
could say nothing as tears welled up in my eyes
“Please
do this thing for me” she pleaded
My
heart was breaking at the choice I must make
Let
her suffer or end her suffering and kill her
I
said, “I just can’t do it” and I got up and left the room
She
didn’t call after me she knew I would be back
With
tears streaming down my face, I grabbed my coat
And
went out the door and went for a walk
The
day was cold, grey, and damp
And
clouds scudded across the December sky
Any
hint of the promised sunny intervals was not in evidence
It
was the kind of day that chilled you to the bone
But
I didn’t feel it at all I just felt numb
You
had to be alive to feel the cold and I was dying inside
I
walked for miles under the grey skies
Along
the woodland paths we used to walk together
My
mind in turmoil my eyes red with tears
If
I did what she wanted I would lose her forever
The
loss of her would be devastating
But
not to let her go would just be selfish
My
head was spinning I didn’t know which way to turn
Images
of the happy moments together swam in and out of focus
Then
as I walked into a clearing in the woods
Where
once we had made love on a sultry afternoon
There
was a sudden break in the clouds
And
the woods were bathed in winter sunshine
And
all at once I knew what I must do
When
I returned to the house, I went straight to her bedside
She
was sleeping; so, I sat on the chair beside her bed
And
rested my head on the bed beside her
Then
I felt her hand gently stroking my hair
I
sat up and her hand moved to my cheek
I
took it in my own and kissed it softly and said
“I’ll
do whatever you want me to do”
New
Years Eve
Christmas
had past and I was glad of it
It
was without doubt the worst Christmas of my life
Full
of tears and sadness instead of happiness and laughter
There
was no wondrous Christmas feast
No
table laden with Christmas delights
No
hearty laughter or lighthearted banter
Just
an endless stream of visitors, friends, and family
As
cheery as was possible, putting on a brave face
All
coming with forced smiles to bring the season’s greetings
But
all leaving with tears knowing she would not see the spring
I
know I sound ungrateful and I’m not really
But
every visit ate into the precious time Linda and I had left
I
knew how important it was to Linda to see everyone
Even
the doctor called in to make sure she was comfortable
And
in between visits I would sit watching the needles dropping from the tree
As
if each dropping needle symbolized Linda’s plight
And
as I sat alone in my favorite armchair on New Year’s Eve
Staring
at the pine needles scattered beneath the tree
I
tried to come to terms with the fact that Linda would die with the old year
Since
Christmas Eve when she made her request
Linda
had been in good spirits
She
had seen everyone in the world that mattered to her
And
said all the things she needed to say
So,
Linda had decided that morning that enough was enough
I
tried to remain cheerful for her, but she could see through it
“I
know you’re hurting too” she said the pain etched in her face
And
with that we made our plans for our last day together
I
phoned the nurse telling her she should have the night off
To
enjoy the celebrations with her family
She
was very grateful and accepted my explanation without question
I
filled the room with lighted candles and in the flickering light
Linda
and I spent the evening together looking at photographs
And
reliving the great times of our life together
We
played the music that formed the soundtrack of our lives
Then
an hour before midnight she handed me the folded handkerchief
I
opened it and inside were now close to twenty capsules
One
by one I broke them open emptying the contents into a wine glass
I
filled the glass with Port and gave it a stir
And
I put the glass on the bedside table before sitting on the bed
Then
I took her hand and kissed it and lent forward and kissed her mouth
I
started to say goodbye, but she put her hand to my mouth
Then
I reached over and picked up the glass
And
held it up to her lips and she took a drink
Then
a little more and a little more until the glass was empty
I
wiped her mouth with the hanky, and she burped
And
she laughed that wonderful laugh
The
candles sputtered and the flames flickered
Then
she said “I love you so very much” squeezing my hand
“I
love you too” I said as I sat holding her hand in mine
And
then we just sat in silence looking at each other until her eyes closed
The
Village clock began chiming the hour
Her
hand went limp, and her breathing became shallow
And
then all the pain in her face was suddenly gone
The
clock chimed twelve marking the passing of the old year
And
also unknowingly marked Linda’s passing
I
don’t know how long I sat there holding her dead hand
With
the tears streaming down my face
But
as I sat there, I knew what had to be done
I
poured myself a large whisky and sat in my favorite armchair
Where
I wrote a long letter explaining what I had done
And
what I was about to do
With
the letter written I put it into an envelope
And
placed it on the mantelpiece where it would be easily found
Then
I drank my whisky and reached into my pocket
And
removed the contents placing them on my lap
Then
I filled the syringe with the insulin I had stolen from the doctor’s bag
And
injected myself with the full syringe
And
as my eyes grew heavy, I could feel Linda’s hand on my shoulder
And
felt her fingers in my hair as I drifted into a coma
And
she whispered “I love you” in my ear as my eyes closed
When
my eyes opened again, I couldn’t believe what I saw
It
was a place that was familiar to me and it was snowing
And
the street was full of happy smiling people
And
there amongst them was Linda larger than life, vivacious and self-assured
Covered
with snowflakes and laughing
My
snow angel, my Christmas Linda
With
snow covering her like sugar on a doughnut
Wrapped
up against the cold in a woolen hat and coat
And
a long-knitted scarf draped about her neck
She
shook her head and her light brown hair danced about her shoulders
And
the snowflakes fell away from her soft curls
Only
to be replaced by fresh ones
There
was a rosy redness on her cheeks, and she was young again
We
were both young again and we had gone back 50 years
She
threw herself at me and hugged me tightly
I
smelled her hair as I held her and was intoxicated by her scent
We
were stood at the taxi stand and snow fell onto Linda’s soft curls
We
took our place in the queue and we kissed
All
too soon a taxi arrived but this time we both got in
And
through the winter wonderland we departed this time never to be apart again
