WHEN HE ONLY RECEIVED BATTERIES

 When he only received batteries

His enthusiasm was muted

But there was a handwritten note

Which read “Toys not included”

PUZZLED AUNTY

 

Bimbette wouldn’t buy

Her niece a jigsaw

For Christmas, even though

She’d asked for it before

It was because it was labelled

6-8 years

So not finishing it in the two week

Holiday was her fear

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (016) Christmas Wrap

 

When I was a kid and it came time for the “oldies” to open their presents I was always amazed by the fuss they would make about the wrapping paper.

They would first admire it then they would caress it tenderly and then they would gingerly begin to unwrap the gift, and once unwrapped they would inexplicably set aside the present while they carefully folded the wrapping paper so it could be used again the following year, and then and only then would they turn their full attention on the gift, and then this ritual would be repeated with each subsequent present and would be performed by all of the oldies.

As a child I was confused and quite frankly didn’t understand why they didn’t tear the paper to shreds like the rest of us.

Looking back, I can only assume that this was as a result of having been through the hard times, the depression of the thirties, the shortages of the war years and the austerity of the fifties.

My mum would go through the whole ritual and would carefully tuck her pile of wrapping paper, bows and ribbons, away in the sideboard draw “Ready for next year”.

Come the next year and the fabulous treasures which had been so thoughtfully secreted away were nowhere to be seen, only new rolls of wrapping paper, packs of bows and reels of ribbons.

So, I think to myself sanity has been restored this year it will be about the presents not what they were wrapped in.

But no, on Christmas day it’s the same ritual all over again.

 

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (015) A Question of Pooh

Its Christmas time again, as if anyone could fail to notice, even without leaving my house I can see more than half a dozen houses decorated to the hilt.

Every coloured light imaginable, Santa’s on the roof or climbing a ladder, sleighs, elves, snowmen, bells, stars, baubles and last but by no means least standing almost four feet high, that perennial Christmas favourite, Winnie the Pooh.

Wait a minute though you might well be saying what does Pooh have to do with Christmas? Well every other house seems to have one so there must be something in it.

I don’t recall mention of him in the bible and in the many nativity plays I have seen over the years he was conspicuous by his absence and although there is a donkey, but it’s not Eeyore.

The stable did not house Piglet and the wise men did not travel from the east with Tigger baring gifts of Huney.

Nor in any of the Christmas traditions around the world is there a single reference to Pooh as one of Santa’s helpers.

There’s Black Peter, The Jolly Elf, even the devil figure Krampus but no Pooh, but people still give him pride of place on their lawns at Christmas.

I just don’t get it.

SANTA HAS TO WORK HARDER THIS YEAR

Santa has to work harder this year

At the North Pole I fear

Since the jackpot of Euromillions

Was won by Santa minions

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE ALPHABET

There is a difference between the Alphabet

And the Christmas one which we know well

And it’s quite logical when you think about it

Because the Christmas Alphabet has no L

CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE KENNELS

It was Christmas Eve in the kennels

And all the canines were all agog

They all made merry all night long

Finishing by singing Fleas Navi Dog

 

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (013) An Unentertaining Christmas

 

Since the advent of Cable, Satellite and Streaming the quality of the entertainment seems to diminish as each Christmas passes.

It used to be bad enough in the old days when there were only three channels to fill, but we did at least get some great Christmas fare.

Now we allegedly have more choice than we have ever had, although I think the reality is that we merely have more channels, and the same or even less quality.

In truth the terrestrial channels can’t really compete although to be honest they don’t even try don’t even try any more to offer anything that we might consider to be of acceptable quality.

Year after year all five channels are packed with a mixture of repeats and things which should never be seen again.

I remember a Christmas not long ago; I can’t remember one single stand out program that appeared on the terrestrial channels that year.

To be truthful it doesn’t have to be the latest Christmas schedule as every one is the same.

The Great Escape, Tom Browns schooldays, Mr Chips and the obligatory Sound of Music.

However, there are sometimes a selection of new dramas though quite honestly, they do tend to flatter to deceive.

I remember one holiday season several years ago where one of the offerings was something called “Uncle Adolph”, God alone knows what they were thinking.

Ken Stott had the lead role, although he was more reminiscent of Groucho Marx than the Fuhrer and at one point good old incestuous Uncle Adolph was sat knocking out a tune on the piano to impress his pretty young niece and I genuinely thought he was going to burst into a chorus of “Springtime for Hitler”, to be quite honest the play couldn’t have been anymore ludicrous if he had.

I do still get my bumper Christmas edition of the Radio Times every year and open it with real hope that this year will be better than the one before, but alas.

MY MUM HAS A TERRIBLE PROBLEM

 

My mum has a terrible problem

“Please get help” I implore her

Because she suffers from OCD

Obsessive Christmas Disorder

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 25

 

Twas the night before Christmas

And all thru the Hamlet

Not a creature was stirring

But no need to fret

They were at midnight mass

And hadn’t returned yet

From the Church in town

Where they were well met

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AUNTIE PEGGY

 

For Christmas I bought my Auntie

A brand-new wooden leg

I didn’t have it specially made

No, I just got it off the peg

You may say it’s not a nice gift

Or even that it’s a killer

It wasn’t her main present though

It was just a stocking filler

NORTH POLE SECURITY

 

At the North Pole at Christmas

Security is exceptionally high

And when they searched the bakery

They discovered a mince spy!

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 37

 

Twas the night before Christmas

And all along the Avenue

The Christmas lights are twinkling

For everyone to view

I DON’T WANT A CHRISTMAS GIFT

 

I don’t want a Christmas gift

That’s very practical

Nor a homemade present

Or something musical

Not an article for wearing

Nothing thoughtful or twee

No items for the garden

Or anything scented fragrantly

And nothing so expensive that

The value is shocking

I just want something shapely

In a Christmas stocking

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (005) My First Working Christmas

 

I was living in a Stevenage with my parents in the early seventies, in a block of Warden run flats, which were sheltered accommodation for the elderly, and my mother was the Warden.

I attended the School nearby, but I was never what you might call academic, so I left school when I was fifteen, and I left at the end of May and I started my first job three days later, as a trainee groundsman.

However in the November of that same year the family house from one side of town to the other, and the significance of this will become clear later in the story.

The house move didn’t affect my getting to and from work though as the town had a good bus service, operating a flat fare service on circular routes, so I still got the same bus as I did from the old address but from a different stop, and the price was the same, this will also prove significant later on.

As I said this was my first year at work and as a result I also had my first works Christmas party to look forward to, which was on the last day before we broke for the Christmas holiday and we had a little works party in the yard, where a little Christmas cheer was imbibed and a drink or two were consumed.

Now I was only sixteen when Christmas came around and I had only had very limited experience of alcohol and I got well and truly bladdered on Whisky Mac, cider and something unpronounceable from Yugoslavia.

At the end of the boozy afternoon one of my workmates gave me a lift into the town centre and in my drunken state I staggered to the bus station and caught my usual bus, and I managed to climb the stairs to the top deck and in due course the bus set off, filled with Christmas shoppers and a one drunken trainee groundsman.

Probably with the combination of alcohol and the motion of the bus I drifted off on the journey and I suddenly came to and on looking out the window I recognized a familiar sight and I promptly got off the bus.

As the bus drove off, I headed off up the road in the direction of home wishing all and sundries a merry Christmas as I went, not unlike George Bailey in “It’s a wonderful life”.

When I reached the flats I entered through the main doors, passing the Christmas tree in the foyer and headed straight for flat number one.

At the door I fumbled for my key and presented it to the lock, but it wouldn’t fit, so I peered closely at it and it was definitely my door key so I tried to put it in the lock again, but still it wouldn’t fit.

Suddenly the door opened and a stranger looked out at me

“Can I help?” she asked.

“Ah, my name is Paul, and I don’t live here, anymore do I?”

The lady, who was the new Warden, laughed and agreed with me that I no longer lived there.

So I wished her a happy Christmas and made my way back to the foyer were there was a public telephone with a large Perspex dome over it.

My intention was to phone for a taxi but rummaging in my pockets I discovered I had no money for the taxi or indeed a coin to make a phone call, and then as I tried to duck under the Perspex hood I tripped over my own feet and fell into the Christmas tree which ended up on top of me.

The lady, who now lived at no 1, heard the commotion and came to investigate and to my surprise thought it very amusing to find a drunken teenager wearing the Christmas tree.

“Oh dear” she said laughing.

Deeply apologetic, I explained the circumstances of my predicament and the new Warden phoned a taxi for me and even gave me the money for the fare.

That was real Christmas spirit, in the spirit of the Capra classic, and I have never forgotten her kindness and tolerance and try to keep that same spirit in my own heart at Christmas.

MY MATE IS PLANNING A TRIP TO LAPLAND

 

My mate is planning a trip to Lapland

As his kids really want to go

He would prefer elves landing on his lap

At Santa’s Village bar à gogo

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 33

Twas the night before Christmas

And all thru the Grange

Not a creature was stirring

Which seemed rather strange

As they were party animals

And needed little reason

But it turned out they’d gone

To Mauritius for the season

Christmas Collection 2018

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 13TH OF DECEMBER

Remember, Remember the 13th of December
And put your lighted candles out
Because that is the very special day
And light is what St Lucy is all about

UNDER THE CHRISTMAS MOON

Moonlight glinted
On the frozen land
Of the silent vale
Dressed crisply
In winters cloak.
A shooting star
Flashed across the sky
And I made a wish
Nothing profound
Just a simple thing
But immensely special
Because I wished
For a Christmas kiss
With the girl I loved

WHILE THE FAMILY SLUMBER

Myriad snowflakes fall
Flakes, infinite in number
Crystals of purest white
Settle while we slumber

Early the next morning
In the gloomy light
A pure white blanket
Was greeted with delight

The kids were excited but
The presents took their focus
For their parents it was magical
To have a White Christmas

MY PRETTY LITTLE MISS

The first time I met
My pretty little Miss
We needed mistletoe
To share a Christmas Kiss

Now when I meet
With my pretty Miss
We need no artificial aid
For us to share a kiss

And when we meet
And we share a kiss
Every day is Christmas
For me and my little Miss

SHOOTING A PRIZE TURKEY

Shooting a prize Turkey, with bullets
Of sage and onion, was his crime
He claimed that he was attempting
To kill it and stuff it at the same time

THE GRINCH AND THE ELF

When love was taken from him
He was left bereft, and his heart stopped
And his world was transformed
To a place of ice and snow
Where his cold heart,
Once over flowing with love,
Froze solid in his chest.
So he came to like the winter
With its long cold nights
And short dismal days
He found comfort in the season
And its bitter unfriendly ways
Only Christmas spoiled it for him,
Disrupting his misery,
With its joyous music,
Gaily decorated shops,
And of course its joviality
But then one day out of the blue
As he tried to avoid the jollity
It happened, his heart began to thaw
All because of an Elf
Or to be more precise
A girl in the green tights, pointy shoes,
Brightly coloured tunic and a cute hat
All it took was one smile
For the connection to be made
And she had him body and soul
Although he was unaware
It was a mutual attraction
Because she didn’t show her hand
And played hard to get
She wanted him, but she made him work
To win her, to pursue her
To prove that he was worthy
So it wasn’t until Christmas Eve
That the Elf yielded to the Grinch
And they kissed by the light of the moon
Before attending midnight mass

TO MAINTAIN A HIGH FIBRE DIET

To maintain a high fibre diet
During the Christmas festivities
We are urged not to eat deserts
And instead eat the Christmas trees

HE STOOD IN THE COLD CRISP NIGHT

He stood in the cold crisp night
Beneath the moon and the stars
And looked at the majestic vista
Imagining such a perfect night sky
Two thousand years before

THE ROOM WAS FULL OF CHRISTMAS

The room was full of Christmas,
Steeped in the essence of the season,
Fragranced with Apple and Cinnamon,
And decorated in festive livery
Fresh cut garlands of evergreens,
Tinsel, candles and coloured lights
And on the peaceful Holy night
With the velvet drapes pulled shut
Against the bitter cold of winter
A perfect couple held each other
In the soft warm glow of firelight
And the cozy room was full of love

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 21ST OF DECEMBER

Remember, Remember the 21st of December
St Thomas the apostle is about
Because that is the special day
When St Thomas is without a doubt

UNDER THE CHRISTMAS SKY

Under the Christmas sky
Their breath plumed
In the frost filled air
And the night sky
Sparkled with stars
Like diamonds sewn
To the curtain of night
And they both sighed
Beneath its majesty
And felt so blessed
To be in love beneath
Such a Christmas sky

MUSIC IN SPACE

Round the world they go
In nineteen sixty five
Orbiting the earth
So high up in the sky

Dashing round the world
Above the earth they race
Jingle Bells the song, was
The first one played in space

O Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way.
Oh! What fun it is to ride
In a space ship far away hey

Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells

THE THREE WISE MEN WERE LATE TO THE NATIVITY

The three wise men were late to the nativity
However not because they had travelled very far
But because one of them was an astronomer
And endlessly wittered on about the bloody star

RADIANT LIGHT OF THE WORLD

Radiant light of the world
Oh most divine child of love
Joyous redeemer

HOLLY DEAREST

Icicles hang from the gutters
All on the landscape is still
Ice crystals pattern the glass
Snow stands deep on the sill
Curtains drawn against the dark
As a fire roars in the hearth
While my darling lays in my arms
And love burns hot in my heart

REMEMBER, REMEMBER THE 26TH OF DECEMBER

Remember, Remember the 26th of December
The feast of Stephen is the day
Celebrated in a very special way
In the UK it’s known as Boxing Day

MY WIFE WAS IN THE KITCHEN

My wife was in the kitchen
And I went in to take a look
While she cooked the goose
Just before I goosed the cook

IN AUCKLAND NEW ZEALAND

In Auckland New Zealand
They don’t say Happy Christmas
As it’s built on a strip of land
So instead they say Merry Isthmus

BLACK CHRISTMAS

Now that the one I love is gone
The season has left me bitter
My heart has lost its soulmate
And Christmas has lost its glitter