Uncanny Christmas Tales – (061) Chance Encounter

 

In the southern town off Abbottsford, is the biggest in Downshire, its administrative capital and the seat of the Downshire government.

It was also a place of leaning thanks to the Downshire University, a Cathedral City and was home to Abbottsford Town football club, but it is also home to the arts with many entertainment venues, among which are the Regal and Empire theatres, and it was the theatres which brought Phil Harrison and Kathy Powell to town.

They were both in different productions but were both staying at the Regents Hotel.

Phil had been for a walk to clear his head and was returning to the Hotel when he saw former flame Kathy. 

As she walked in his direction he gave her a lecherous appraisal, she was small and slim but there were curves to her as well and just as he was remembering the sensual feel of her breasts, she caught sight of him.

“Hi Phil” she said and tottered over to him carrying costume bags in each hand.

“You look even more gorgeous than when I saw you last” he said, and he stooped down to kiss her cheek.

“What are you up to?” he asked, hoping the answer was nothing so he could reacquaint himself with her gorgeous body.

“I’m in a play at the Regents” she said a little breathless and her cheeks were flushed.

“I had to alter my costumes for the dress rehearsal”.

He had seen her breathless and flushed before and as he reminisced; he felt a slight trouser tickle.

“That’s a shame we could have had a catch up” he said.

“That would have been nice” She replied more enthusiastically than she intended and blushed.

“So, who are you dressing up as?” he queried.

“I’m a maid and a flapper” she replied, “I haven’t tried them on yet since I altered them, I hope they’re not too short and sexy”.

“It’s bound to be sexy with you in it” he said and made her giggle and blush.

“So, what are you doing here then?” she asked.

“I’m in the Panto at the Empire opening Saturday,” he replied.

“After that, nothing until March”

“Really, I thought you were booked up for months”.

“I was, but I had a cancelation, due to a fire in St Albans” he said, “So once I’m done here, I’m going to have some time on my hands, maybe take a holiday”.

“Well, I’d better go, or I’ll be late” she said and kissed his cheek then she blushed because of a salacious thought that crossed her mind, so she hurried off.

“Ok I’m only sorry I didn’t get to see you dressed as a maid” he called after her.

“I’ll let you have a private viewing” she called back and as she walked away; she was blushing an even deeper red than before.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (060) Discovering the True Meaning of Christmas

 

Nathan Perry grew up with a keen dislike for Christmas despite all the jollity and faux fun, his Christmas’s held no joy so for him it always seemed to be when shit happened, and Christmas just magnified the misery.

His mother died at Christmas, so the very season made it more keenly felt, so he grew up with a distrust of Christmas, because he knew that shit lurked beneath the coloured lights and paper chains.

But when he was in his late teens, he discovered that there was more to Yuletide than fairy lights, Christmas trees and streamers.

The Christmas totty in Christmas outfits, Christmas tights with holly motifs, striped stockings, novelty Santa socks, Christmas knickers, Bauble earrings, Santa hats, and well filled festive sweaters.

That’s what the season was all about for him, Christmas girls with tinsel in their hair under the mistletoe for Christmas kisses and a Christmas goose.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (059) Kissing Cousins

 

The Kelly’s lived in the idyllic village of Mornington-By-Mere, situated in the beautiful Finchbottom Vale.

Owen and Kelly Scott were 2nd cousins and there had been an attraction growing between them all year, but they had both resisted acting on it, until Christmas Eve in her parents porch when Kelly stood on tiptoe, put her arms around his neck and kissed him, and he thought she was a great kisser, he’d always thought the quality of a kiss is difficult to define and it is like many other things of a sexual nature, dependent on the perspective of the participants.

With kissing it can be the thickness of the lips, the width of the mouth, the size of the tongue, the size of the oral cavity and the amount of saliva produced, Kelly scored highly on every criterion for him.

Although to be honest he reserved his analysis until after the event.

After a final kiss and a hug, they said goodbye and she opened the door and let him out, but he turned back to look at her and said.

“I’ll bring your present tomorrow”.

“I’ve already had the gift I asked Santa for” she replied and closed the door to cover her blushes.

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (058) The Blind Date

 

In the north of Downshire is the old market Town of Nettlebridge which was quainter and more peaceful than its neighbour Nettlefield which was a Military Town whereas Nettlebridge prospered from the sheep and wool trade, which is evidenced by the road names,  Sheepfold Street, Woolsack Lane and Shepherds Bridge, and this trade had historically generated a great deal of wealth.

A week before Christmas, Mark Tudor was watching TV and struggling to keep his eyes open when he suddenly remembered it was the night of the Christmas Ball and his friend Isabelle Hasselman’s blind date with Greg Welsh.

It was significant as it was not only Lisa’s first blind date ever but was also her first date of any kind for almost 20 years.

She was understandably nervous about dating again after the divorce.

Issy was unsure she wanted a strange man going to her house so she had taken his advice so she was driving to his house where she would leave her car on Mark’s drive and then walk next door to Lisa Wilford’s where Greg would pick them both up and take them to the Hotel.

He looked at the clock and saw that she would be there in about ten minutes, and Issabelle was always punctual, and right on time Issy arrived and reversed her car up the drive.

He watched through the window as she came to a stop, switched off the lights and got out and went to the front door and opened it just at the precise moment she reached it.

Issy was immaculately dressed as usual in a full-length green halter necked designer evening dress and a lavish faux fur shrug.

“Wow” Mark said, “you look stunning”.

“Bless you darling” she responded as she handed him the car keys in case, he needed to move it.

“But I’m scared to death”.

“You shouldn’t be Issy” he reassured her “Greg will trip over his tongue when he sees you”.

“But I don’t want him to” she replied.

“Don’t want him to what?”

“Trip over his tongue” Issy replied.

“I don’t want him to be my blind date, I don’t even want him to be my date”.

“Why not?” he asked, “He’s a really nice man by all accounts”.

“Because he’s not you” she snapped and turned away.

“What do you mean Issy?”

“I want you” she retorted.

“To be your date?”

“No, to be my everything” she said as she turned to face him.

“Oh Issy!” he exclaimed and hugged her “That’s what I want too”.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A GIFT SHOP CHRISTMAS (2021)

Tony Ortega (Mario Lopez) runs the family business in Santa Fe together with his sister Magdalena (Aimee Garcia) and Father Jose (Efrain Figueroa).

Apart from operating a popular Gift Shop they are also renowned for creating ornaments inspired by Mexican Christmas traditions.

A big company, Warm Wishes, has been trying to acquire the business for years and Tony has finally agreed to meet with their representative, Belinda Sawyer (Emeraude Toubia) from Chicago.

She is tasked with closing the deal before New Year’s while Tony wants to show her the soul of their business to try and preserve their legacy.

But events take a quite different path.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER –HOLIDAY IN SANTA FE (2021)

 Tony Ortega (Mario Lopez) runs the family business in Santa Fe together with his sister Magdalena (Aimee Garcia) and father Jose (Efrain Figueroa).

Apart from operating a popular Gift Shop they are also renowned for creating ornaments inspired by Mexican Christmas traditions.

A big company, Warm Wishes, has been trying to acquire the business for years and Tony has finally agreed to meet with their representative, Belinda Sawyer (Emeraude Toubia) from Chicago.

She is tasked with closing the deal before New Year’s while Tony wants to show her the soul of their business to try and preserve their legacy.

But events take a quite different path.

HE STOOD IN THE COLD CRISP NIGHT

 

He stood in the cold crisp night

Beneath the moon and the stars

And looked at the majestic vista

Imagining such a perfect night sky

Two thousand years before

THE GRINCH AND THE ELF

 

When love was taken from him

He was left bereft, and his heart stopped

And his world was transformed

To a place of ice and snow

Where his cold heart,

Once over flowing with love,

Froze solid in his chest.

So he came to like the winter

With its long cold nights

And short dismal days

He found comfort in the season

And its bitter unfriendly ways

Only Christmas spoiled it for him,

Disrupting his misery,

With its joyous music,

Gaily decorated shops,

And of course, its joviality

But then one day out of the blue

As he tried to avoid the jollity

It happened, his heart began to thaw

All because of an Elf

Or to be more precise

A girl in the green tights, pointy shoes,

Brightly coloured tunic and a cute hat

All it took was one smile

For the connection to be made

And she had him body and soul

Although he was unaware

It was a mutual attraction

Because she didn’t show her hand

And played hard to get

She wanted him, but she made him work 

To win her, to pursue her

To prove that he was worthy

So it wasn’t until Christmas Eve

That the Elf yielded to the Grinch

And they kissed by the light of the moon

Before attending midnight mass

THREE MEN DIED ON CHRISTMAS EVE

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve

And were stood before St Peter

“You must all pass a simple test

Before you are allowed to enter”

 

“So produce a symbol of the season

Either on or about your person”

 

The first man retrieved a bauble

From his overcoat pocket

And St Peter turned to the gate

And proceeded to unlock it

 

St Peter said “You are blessed

Because you have passed the test”

 

The next man took a red bow

From his overcoat pocket

And St Peter turned to the gate

And proceeded to unlock it

 

St Peter said “You are blessed

Because you have passed the test”

 

The last man took a pair of panties

From his overcoat pocket

St Peter stood fast before the gate

And made no effort to unlock it

 

St Peter said “You are not blessed

Because you have failed the test”

 

“In what way do a pair of knickers

Symbolized the Christmas season

I fail to see how they are appropriate

So enlighten me as to the reason”

 

So the man proceeded to explain

“A young woman’s intimate apparels

Are without a doubt appropriate

When they happen to be carols”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV CHRISTMAS

 

It was another SUV Christmas

Thanks to my significant other

No not that kind of SUV, I got

Socks, Underwear and Viagra

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 3

 

My worst Christmas present ever

Without a doubt, I have concluded

Was when I received a box of batteries

Labelled “toys not included”

 

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

 

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!

Now, Twister and Mizzle!

On, Cyclone! On, Humid!

On, Monsoon and Drizzle!

From their HQ in Exeter!

To the Met office ball!

Now dash away! Dash away!

Dash away all!"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332

 

Flour of England, fruit of Spain,

Met together in a shower of rain;

Let’s make Christmas pudding again

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 15

 

The true nature of fairy tales

Are for the devotee, a heartbreaker

Because the tales were sanitized

Such as the Elves and the Hoe maker

PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON

 

Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon

As he disrupts the pirates shanties

But that’s not even his real name

He was baptized as Peter Panties

IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT

 

If JM Barrie had written smut

About all the titillation and joys

His classic tale would have been

Peter Porn and The Lust Boys

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6

 

She was drinking in the forest

But she didn't want Tango to sup,

That wasn’t for Snow White,

She much preferred her 7up

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1

That's political correctness that is

In one of its insidious ways

That’s stops us saying merry Christmas

And makes us say happy holidays

FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER

 

For my poor deluded father

The men in white coats beaconed

He thought he was a chocolate orange

So now he’s been sectioned

I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT

 

I got an inappropriate present

From my grandparents you know

Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift

But not if you live in a bungalow