Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 5

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Christmas Knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars?
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Christmas honey

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Because Daddy
Has just worked
A 14 hour day
And now has to drive
300 miles of Christmas traffic
To spend another bloody Christmas
At Grandma Browns
House of doom
So he is not in the mood
For any of your shit

CHRISTMAS TURKEY

Laid naked on the kitchen table
White flesh from leg to breast
A Christmas bird to be enjoyed
My table was truly blessed

I set about the job in hand
Getting the bird prepared
And by using all my expertise
No effort at all was spared

Having greased the old bird well
The meaty legs spread wide
And I began to stuff the bird
I was really in my stride

When the bird had been well stuffed
It lay resting on the cooker
Smelling of sage and onion
The bird really was a looker

Then I looked up at the kitchen clock
Panic filled me and I began to fret
I shouted to my wife “quick put you pants on”
Ii haven’t prepared the turkey yet

SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

I’ve bought a special gift
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean

CHRISTMAS GOOSE

At Christmas time
I do like a goose
It is my one weakness
And I offer no excuse

Though it does depend
Of course on the bird
To say any different
Would be quite absurd

The quality of goose
That you are executing
Is directly related
To the bird you are goosing

EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS

Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho

SANTA’S R & R

When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave

His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return

In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor

Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”

PARTY CLAUS

What does Santa do after Christmas?
Well if you want to know the truth
He parties hard with Mrs. Claus
Til they melt the snow off the roof

FATHER AND CHRISTMAS

What do a Christmas tree
And a priest have in comparison?
The answer is simple to see
Their balls are just for decoration

EMPTYING SANTA’S SACK

One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high
A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky
He has lost his job and his wife has left him
And the size of his overdraft is quite grim
Finishing his rant to god he shuts his eyes
Then he leaves a note saying his good-byes
He walks up to the edge ready to jump off
He stops when behind him he hears a cough
Father Christmas asks him "are you ok?"
And the man tells him the details of his day
He again walks to the edge of the rooftop
Then Father Christmas shouts, "please stop!"
“It’s Christmas so I’ll give three gifts to you
And I will have a small task for you to do”
Santa Claus says, “let me help you please”
The poor man is in such despair so he agrees
"That would be wonderful thanks,” he said
Father Christmas told him what was ahead
Firstly go home to your wife who is there
Waiting dressed in her sexiest underwear
Longing for you and begging forgiveness
She wants only you and your fond caress
And as for the recent loss of her affection
She will have absolutely no recollection
Secondly go into work after the holiday
Sit at your desk and work the same way
Your salary will have been well increased
Nobody remembers your employment ceased
Thirdly when you check your bank account
And you will be in credit by a large amount
The man is thrilled "oh thank you, thank you!"
Then said, “what is it that you want me to do?"
“Drop your trousers and then bend down”
The man is unsure agrees but wears a frown
Santa Claus gave him a brutal buggering
Leaving the poor man with eyes watering
Afterwards Santa asked, “how old are you?”
The man replied “actually I’m forty two”
“Your too old to believe in me by quite a bit”
Said the fat gay bastard in the Santa outfit

A HAND FOR SANTA

On Christmas Eve
Don’t lay awake in bed
All you naughty girls
Blonde, brunette or red
For instead of presents
You may get a shock instead
You may catch Santa
Dressed in his suit of red
Emptying his sack
At the end of your bed

CHIMNEY NOOK

The next time you complain
At the lack of Christmas nookey
Spare a thought for old St Nick
And have a little sympathy
For he only comes but once a year
And then he’s up a chimney

A CHRISTMAS WISH

On a Christmas Eve at midnight
When I got into bed
I lay upon my pillow
And there beside my head
Was Santa with his trousers off
And this is what he said
Happy Christmas little girl
I’ve unwrapped this gift for you
So take this gift with pleasure
To make your wish come true
Because Santa comes but once a year
And tonight he comes with you

SNOW SHOW

A weather man predicted snow
But he didn’t get it right
So the female anchor on the show
Asked to our delight
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches!
You promised me last night?"

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS TIGHTS?

Are you wearing Xmas tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with a festive motif
What a Christmas this will be

Christmas Poem Selection # 14

ARE YOU WEARING ELFIN EARS?

Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingely dell
With all the woodland creatures
ELF PRINCESS

I will be your elf princess
And I will be forever yours
So put on the red suit
And be my Santa Claus

WHAT WOULD I WISH FOR?

If I had a Christmas wish
What would I wish for?
Well that’s a good question
I’m not really sure
I'd wish for peace in the world
Yes I think that would do
No I’m only kidding
I would wish for you

FLAWLESS

You are fat and round
And your trousers are tight
Your nose is quite red
And your beard is white
Now all of the above
Might be considered flaws
But they’re not to me
As you are my Santa Claus

PANTER CLAUS

We’ll have a quiet night in
So let the festivities begin
I think it really is a thriller
To have you as a stocking filler
Do you think it shocking?
To want you in my stocking
But I’ll fill you with joy
If you’ll be my sex toy
I can be your secret Santa
You can be my sultry panter
A bit of festive rough and tumble
Ok then just a quick fumble
I thought you’d be up for a goose
They all said you were loose
Then you’re not a sure thing?
And you don’t swing?
No please don’t go home yet
I’m the best offer you’ll get
Sod it another quiet night in
Let the celibacies begin

THE FESTIVE INTERVAL

When celebrating
The festive interval
Please refrain from calling it
The winterval

SCROOGE LIKE

They say the perfect Christmas
Is blessed with family and friends
I say the fewer the better
Otherwise the present buying never ends

A SIMPLE GIFT

I’m hoping that this Christmas
I will get what I desire
I’m not that easy to please
I don’t ridiculously aspire

I don’t want the moon and stars
Or diamonds or pearls
Some perfume or cosmetics will do
I’m not one of those greedy girls

I just want something for me
Just a small thing, for me this year
But as always it will be something
For the house from IKEA

SHOPS IN THE HIGH STREET

Shops in the high street
Are full to overflowing
With irate customers
Franticly to-ing and fro-ing

The shopkeeper delights
While prices are rocketing
Happy in the knowledge
Of the profits he’s pocketing

And in his smug contentment
He rubs his hands with glee
“Merry Christmas you mugs
And a prosperous new year, for me”

RUSH AND SCURRY

Hurry, hurry shopping in Surrey
Hurry, hurry, rush and scurry
Worry, worry, fresh snow flurry
Hurry Murray rush and scurry
Let’s get home and have a curry

CHRISTMAS EVE AT THE HOSTELRY

The local hostelries are full
As they approach the brink
And raise their glasses high
For yet another festive drink
The season roundly toasted
Measured by each glasses chink
The next morning’s celebration
Will be a silent one I think

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing it for a reason?
Is it because of the festive season?
You won’t be kissed under the mistletoe
Because you’re wearing it too low

IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE

If you put Candy canes on the tree
And Popcorn on strings
Then let me give the kind of advice
That experience brings
Don’t pack them away after the
Bell of New Year rings
Otherwise next year they will be
Seriously unsavory things

IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE

In the Christmas village
At the North Pole
There is much excitement
Being kept under control
As there is to be an election
For every Elf and Troll
Votes can of course be cast
At the North Poll

WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES

We all played Charades
At the in laws on Boxing Day
My wife’s Uncle Jack
Really went for it I must say
We were really impressed
By his energetic display
It was ten minutes before we knew
His heart had given way

Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 4

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

All year long I fancied Lucy
But she turned out to be fickle
So I thought I’d drown my sorrows
And have a few festive tipples
But I ended up in a cupboard
With a girl with hairy nipples

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

Amidst the preparations
For the up coming festivities
There has been a lot of demand
On the Church amenities

For those of us involved
In pulling the Christmas peel
Found the time to practise
Was far less than ideal

I found it difficult to fit it in
Around work and family needs
And often practised alone
At a very late hour indeed

One night it all got too much
The final straw I can’t remember
But as a result I decided to tie
The bell rope around my member

I don’t know why it was
That I succumbed to the pressure
But I was discovered
And I was tolled off by the vicar

RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT

Rudolph has been grounded
And severely reprimanded
The cause is his nocturnal activity
During the season of the nativity
Donner has been knocked up
And Vixen is a favourite tup
There are many more names
Who’ve played his reindeer games
He is insatiable, even the boys
Have fallen victim of his joys
Now Santa has had enough
Since he mounted Billy Goat Gruff

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9

Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games

So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again

But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie

MY EVERGREENS

Oh Holly and my Ivy
Of all the girls I’ve known
When they dress in the Santa gear
They really ring my bell

CHRISTMAS SPICE

Christmas time is very nice
But if I might offer some advice
You can add a spot of yuletide spice
If you indulge in a little festive vice

TIED UP WITH TINSEL

Have a little yuletide fun
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel

I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR

I saw a figure
On the stair
Wearing red velvet
Trimmed with fur

It was Santa Claus
In my view
With long white beard
And hat askew

But not a Santa
Of familiar build
And no sack was apparent
Generously filled

I thought the figure
To my surprise
Was rather pleasing
To the eyes

And curiously aroused
At the view
Of Santa
In red stiletto shoes

At that moment
At the top of the stair
The coat fell open
And I do declare

This sight of Santa
Left me aghast
Wearing black stockings
And leather Basque

The white beard
Fell to the floor
And then I understood
What I saw

Santa hadn’t brought me
A gift in a sack
Santa was the present
For me to unwrap

FAIRY ON THE TREE

Fairy, fairy on the tree
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum

HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS

I must definitely make sure
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull

SANTA AND ELFIE

Santa and Elfie
Were caught in the buff
At it in the grotto,
Santa and his bit of stuff
The store manager
Decided to get tough
And sacked them
Saying enough was enough
Now Santa’s not jolly
In fact he’s quite gruff
As Santa’s little helper
Is now up the duff

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS TIGHTS?

Are you wearing Christmas tights?
Adorned with a festive motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with Christmas motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief

Christmas Movie Reviews # 7

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – SECRET SANTA 2001

10-year-old, Jackson Mayhew (Rory Culkin) moves in with his Aunt (Sherilyn Fenn) after the death of his parents.
Aunt Patty works the bar at the Coconut Grotto hotel in Florida and it’s at the Hotel where Jackson befriends an elderly man Sam Clausner (Hume Cronyn) and he begins to suspect that the old man is actually Santa Claus,
The wonderful Hume Cronyn's is brilliant and plays his role with panache and it will be remembered as a holiday classic.
His flawless performance was given despite the fact he was almost 90 years old.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE 2009

Ashley Matthews (Kari Hawker-Diaz) has been on her own all her life but she feels even more alone when it gets close to Christmas as she searches fruitlessly for a job and the endless Christmas cheer around her only rubs salt in the wounds as she scrimps and scrapes by to support herself and her dog, Dash.
However help is at hand from her neighbour, Nick Anderson (Bruce Davison), who knows exactly what to do to help and he offers her a job.
He asks her to be his assistant in what turns out to be a philanthropic endeavour, however there’s one catch she can't tell anyone that her new boss is a kind of Secret Santa, and she must help people anonymously.
Through her new job, Ashley meets Will (K.C. Clyde), a writer for a business magazine who uncovers what Ashley is doing, and more importantly, Nick's involvement in the acts of kindness.
As Ashley and Nick help people in need, she tries to protect Nick's secret, and her own heart, while Will must weigh the consequences of what might happen if he exposes them.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE THREE GIFTS

Jack Green (Dean Cain) inherited a southern Californian horse ranch from his father complete with an all-natural toy factory in the barn. Along with his wife Cherie (Jean Louisa Kelly) he is bullied into taking in the three “holy terrors” from orphanage run by his bossy aunt Rita (Mimi Kennedy).
It's only for a few weeks while renovations are done which would be completed before the holidays.
Mike (Dylan Sprayberry) and his buddies, Henry (Alex Zubarev) and Ray (Spencer Bridges), prove to be a handful, but Jack proves that he has father-potential and he and Cherie like having them around.
The trio go on their best behaviour after overhearing the couple are considering adopting just one of them, but that means they have to become rivals in order to be the one that’s chosen, resulting in trouble for everyone and fun for the viewer.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – LOST AT CHRISTMAS

This film is based on a true story about an estranged couple who find themselves lost in the Idaho wilderness after in impromptu snowmobile outing.
It was just before Christmas and when the weather turns they are trapped in a blizzard and the snowfall is so great all the trails are hidden.
Lost and alone Suzanne and Jim Shemwell (Jami Gertz and Dylan Walsh) are forced to confront the reasons why they separated.
Meanwhile their family, when they are not looking for Suzanne and Jim, are looking inward at themselves and re-evaluate their lives and their relationships.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS 2013

After being told by her boss that the company needs to attract more clients, Elizabeth (Melissa Sagemiller), a skilled executive, is also told she is to get unwanted help in the form of Robert (Brad Rowe), to grow the business.
Through the help of one of Santa’s helpers, Calvin the Elf (Martin Klebba), she is blessed with an extraordinary gift when she obtains a piece of jewellery that allows her to hear everyone’s unspoken thoughts.
It was intended to make her become more self-aware in order to find personal and professional fulfilment but she uses it as a tool to gain new clients and get one up on Robert.
However having first used her new-found power to get ahead at work, she soon learns to become a better person, and turns an office rivalry into romance while learning the true meaning of Christmas.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER –
COME DANCE WITH ME

Jack (Andrew McCarthy) is an executive in a financial brokerage firm and seems to have it all.
He is a rising star in line for a big promotion and has already impressed the boss, Drew Clayton (Chris Gillett), He is also dating the boss’s daughter’ the beautiful and elegant Demi Clayton (Stephanie Mills).
Jack plans to propose to Demi at her father's lavish annual Christmas Dance but in order to create the perfect impression on the night he signs up for ballroom dance lessons.
Which is when he meets dance instructor, Christine (Michelle Nolden), and the story really begins.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – ALL I WANT IS CHRISTMAS

Ira J. Finkelstein (Elijah Nelson) is a Christmas obsessed Jewish boy.
He's seen every Christmas movie ever made and his dreams are filled with reindeer, sleigh rides and of course, snow.
The problem is, apart from the fact that Ira is Jewish is that at 11 years of age he feels that Christmas is passing him by and When Ira's hopes for a holiday vacation in Aspen are dashed, he hatches a plan to finally get the Christmas of his dreams.
When flying unaccompanied to visit his grandparents in sunny Florida, he swaps tickets with Mikey Amato (Justin Thomas Howell), another 11-year-old also flying unaccompanied on his way to Christmastown, WA.
But they not only trade airline tickets but places as well and Ira gets more than he bargained for when he experiences his first "White Christmas".
Elliott Gould and David DeLuise also star in this pleasant Christmas caper.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – HELP FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Although she loves Christmas, Christine (Summer Glau), who is an elf from Santa's village, wonders if there could be more to life than making toys at the North Pole.
So when Santa receives an emergency wish from a little boy in Los Angeles, he puts Christine on a special assignment in the real world and sends her to L.A. to help the VanCamp family.
Sara Vancamp (Eva LaRue) is a busy mom with absolutely no Christmas spirit and her husband Scott (Dan Gauthier), is little better.
So Christine is to look after the two Vancamp kids, Ally (Izabela Vidovic) and Will (Mason Cook) and give the whole family a Christmas wake-up call.
It is not altogether plain sailing and the question of whether Christine will fail her assignment and be sent back to the North Pole for good, or the VanCamps will come to their senses about the meaning of Christmas is unclear, but it’s fun watching the tale unfold.
The romantic interest is provided by Sara’s brother Dave Gabriel (John Brotherton) and Steve Larkin puts in a wonderful portrayal of Santa.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS 1991

Ethan (Ethan Embry), is the practical older brother, and adorable Hallie (Thora Birch) knows how to charm her way out any given situation, and they are both intent on spending Christmas with their parents, Catherine (Harley Jane Kozak) and Michael (Jamey Sheridan), and grandmother, Lillian (Lauren Bacall).
Despite the fact that their parents are divorced and Catherine is about to marry Tony Boer (Kevin Nealon)
So when Hallie goes to visit Santa Claus, she asks for the unusual gift of getting her parents back together.
Ethan and Hallie embark on their adventure and almost nothing goes exactly as planned partly because Ethan is preoccupied not only with his parents' romantic dilemma but also his first teenage crush, Stephanie (Amy Oberer).
This Christmas comedy is a hilarious caper to ensure everyone lives happily ever after scheme to get what they most want for Christmas.
So in the end does Catherine decide to reject Tony and remarry Michael or do the children fail.
Watch it and see.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THIS CHRISTMAS

This Christmas, is a holiday drama centred on the Whitfield family's first Christmas together in four years.
In Los Angeles, Shirley Ann Whitfield (Loretta Devine), affectionately known as Ma'Dere, is the matriarch of the Whitfield family.
Her six children are scattered far and wide, wife and mother Lisa (Regina King) lives in San Francisco and feels the need to take on the responsibility to manage her extended family's welfare.
Traveling jazz musician Quentin Jr (Idris Elba), who has been absent from the family for four years, and Claude (Columbus Short) is a marine.
In New York ad exec Kelli and (Sharon Leal) is the self-confessed selfish one, Mel (Lauren London) is a college student and Michael (Chris Brown) still lives at home while figuring out what he wants to do with his life.
Ma'Dere has lived in the family home for a few years now with Joe Black (Delroy Lindo), a church deacon, with Ma'Dere's husband/the children's father, Quentin Whitfield Sr., long having left the family to pursue a life as a jazz musician.
Each person present in Ma'Dere's house at Christmas is dealing with an issue in his/her life, some known by the family and some not but they all have an effect on the family dynamic associated with how “This Christmas” will turn out for them as a collective family.

Christmas Poem Selection # 13

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Santa outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The boots and beard and hat
And padding to make you look fat
I didn’t believe in Santa anymore
Now I see you and I think phwor

I HATE JANUARY

I hate January
January I do not enjoy
It has no pleasure
It has no joy

Christmas is over
All the money has gone
5 weeks till payday
January is wrong

I love December
December has it all
December is the time
To have a ball

In fact December
Has too much fun
And not enough time
To get it all done

The Festivities
Leave us in a daze
There is too much
For 31 days

So the solution
Is a simple one
I can’t believe
It hasn’t been done

Get rid of January
No one likes it
Have two Decembers
Then everything will fit

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble

AFTER THREE WEEKS OR SO

After three weeks or so
Working in the grotto
It begins to take its toll
On the poor old soul
Sitting on his great chair
Pretending to care
As all the girls and boys
Plead for various toys
Kids of every shape and size
Looking for a prize
Clambering on his knee
Wriggling with glee
Until the poor old chap
Suffers from Santa lap

THE OFFICE PARTY

The office party
Was relief from the slog
When you spent your time
Hitting the nog
And hanging by the mistletoe
Hoping for a snog

I DON’T NEED THE FINEST GIFT

I don’t need the finest gift
I don’t need a Christmas wish
Because I’m already blessed
With a special Christmas dish

AT THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS BINGE

Well at the end of the year
Its managements’ biggest fear
That staff should infringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

After spiking the fruit punch
In the canteen after lunch
Their totally off their hinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The amount of alcohol downed
As many a sorrow was drowned
Made the accountant whinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The extent of the revelling
Was quite frankly bedevilling
Enough for his beard to singe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The things that a little party ho
Did beneath the mistletoe
Would make a puritan cringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

Karen from reception bless her
Botox-ed her face with vodka
With a catering syringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The level of fraternization
Was quite a revelation
And caused a few backs to twinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

You may well be forgiven
After the events which had arisen
That it was the lunatic fringe
At their annual Christmas Binge

Next day when the party was over
Everyone suffered from a hangover
And all took on an earthy tinge
The day after the Christmas binge

MY GIFT IS A SPECIAL LOVE

My gift is a special love
That lasts the whole year through
So if I had a Christmas wish
I would still wish for you

A SPRIG OF MISTLETOE

There hangs a sprig of Mistletoe
The first of the season I’ve seen
Its berries glowing like pearls
Amongst the tiny leaves of green

And below stands sweet Emily
Where hangs the Mistletoe above
Tied with red ribbon to the beam
And I claim a kiss from the girl I love

MY COMFORT AND SUCCOUR

Have a lovely Christmas
My companion and confident
My friend of friends,
My comfort and succour
Have a lovely Christmas
Soother of my soul
You are everything to me
Except my lover
Have a lovely Christmas
Occupant of my heart
My comfort and succour
My secret love

A WASTED WISH

Why would I make a Christmas Wish?
And hope that it would come true,
What on earth could I ever wish for?
That would be a tenth as good as you

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - FROSTY

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Frosty’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The carrot faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Frosty
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS

The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem

NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES

When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree

Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 3

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Christmas hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?

DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA

Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball

Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat

If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation

A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?

IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

It was in the belfry
On Christmas Eve
High in the tower
I tried to retrieve
A poor little kitten
Who was stuck
When suddenly
The bell was struck
I lost my footing
And began to fall
I thought this is
The end of it all
So I had onto grab
Or surely die
My Ding dong
Merrily on high

EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY

Everyone is so happy
Damn them all to hell
But I drank too much last night
And today I feel unwell

The cheerful souls
Can’t abide to see a frown
And want me to turn
My frown upside down

At first I decided
That I would merely scoff
But it didn’t work
So I told them to piss off

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole

ARE YOU WEARING REINDEER ANTLERS?

Are you wearing Reindeer antlers?
Well not the most original twist
You’ve been making rather merry
More Christmas spirit than you could resist
What exactly am I suggesting?
A little too much wine would be the gist
What makes me think that?
Well I’ll tell you if you insist
Apart from the slurred speech
You are walking with a starboard list
And your antlers sit in disarray
So that’s how I know you’re pissed

Christmas Movie Reviews # 6

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – HOLIDAY HELP

A single mom, Nicky Talbot (Alicia Witt) is going from door to door to find a job and boost her finances but without success.
Then a friend tells her that a big store is hiring so she goes along and gets a holiday job at Cartwright’s department store but not as floor staff, she gets the job as Santa Claus in the grotto.
This was achieved when an angel, Harry Osbourne (Wallace Shawn) entered her life and brought about some positive changes, including the spark of a new romance.
She of course was unaware that he was an angel and she thought he was from corporate.
Her head elf in the grotto was Peg (Linda Kash) and she thought Nicky was wonderful in fact everyone loved Santa Nick, except the evil Fiona Aldrich (Gabrielle Miller) who was her boss.
Nicky’s daughter Becky (T.J. McGibbon) is cute without being precocious and the love interest is supplied very ably by department head Bill (Gabriel Hogan) and her landlady Mrs. Rositani is played by the excellent Jayne Eastwood.
This is a great film, believable yet magical and any Christmas film with an Angel in it gets my vote.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A GRANDPA FOR CHRISTMAS

Bert O'Riley (Ernest Borgnine) is an old-time entertainer who is retired from showbiz and estranged not only from his daughter Marie (Tracy Nelson) but also his 9-year-old granddaughter, Becca (Juliette Goglia).
And it would have remained that way had Marie not been badly hurt in a car crash and had to be hospitalized for a prolonged period.
Social services has to find someone for 9 year old Becca to stay with, her father isn’t on the scene her grandmother is dead so they turned to Bert.
He was about to sell his house and move into a retirement home but suddenly finds himself caring for a granddaughter he didn’t know he had.
It’s very awkward at first, Becca is horrified she has to live with her Grandpa because not only has she never met him, but everything she had ever heard about him her whole life is what a bum he was.
But gradually the bond between the two of them grows and she realises that Bert isn’t a bum after all, in fact she gets to meet his old show-biz friends, Roxie Famosa (Katherine Helmond) Adam Johnson (Jamie Farr) and Karl Sugarman (Richard Libertini) and she learns that her Grandpa is a pretty good guy and that her Mom was wrong about her Dad all along.
While Marie was in hospital he showed tender loving care towards Becca and took charge in her life and when she was ready to be discharged she accepted that she and her daughter had been brainwashed into thinking that Bert was an ogre and agreed that they should go and live with him.
It's a wonderful story emphasizing strong family traditions which is most appropriate for the holiday season.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE SANTA CLAUSE

Divorcee Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) is disgusted to learn that his ex-wife Laura (Wendy Crewson) and her husband Dr Neil Miller (Judge Reinhold) have tried to break it to their 6-year-old son Charlie (Eric Lloyd) that Santa isn't real, thankfully they failed but a huge argument ensued.
But on Christmas Eve, after Scott has read “The Night Before Christmas” to Charlie and put him to bed Charlie is awakened by a bump on the roof so he wakes up his Dad.
They discover a man in a Santa suit on the roof and when he's startled by Scott calling out to him, he falls, leaving only an 8-reindeer sleigh and an empty suit with instructions to put it on if the previous occupant was involved in an accident.
Scott does as the card says and is transported all around the town dropping gifts through chimneys until he's taken to the North Pole and informed by a group who claim they're elves, led by Bernard (David Krumholtz), that he is now Santa Claus.
Charlie is so proud of his dad's new job, though Scott is convinced that it was just a dream, that is until his hair turns white, his beard keeps growing back, and he inexplicably gains a lot of weight.
He finds himself unable to come to any other conclusion other than to accept that he is Santa, however there is just one problem, how is he going to keep it secret from his disbelieving family.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE

Santa Claus (Tim Allen) had problems, it was only a few days before Christmas and production was lagging, Mrs. Claus (Elizabeth Mitchell) was about to give birth to their first child and wanted family time, and the Counsel of Legendary Figures had called an emergency meeting to discuss Jack Frost (Martin Short) and at the end of the meeting he is left with Santa, on probation and under his supervision.
To appease his wife he flew her parents (Alan Arkin and Ann-Margret) up to the North Pole but had to pretend to them that they were in Canada.
He also brings his ex-wife Laura (Wendy Crewson), her husband Neil (Judge Reinhold), and their daughter Lucy (Liliana Mumy) to surround his wife with family.
But while Santa is busy with the family Jack makes mischief inside the toy factory and hatches a plan to become Santa and with Santa juggling so many things he manages to trick him into invoking the little-known Escape Clause and wish he'd never become Santa.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE CHRISTMAS BOX

Richard Evans (Richard Thomas) a struggling ski-shop owner reluctantly moves himself, his wife Keri (Annette O'Toole) and his daughter Jenna (Kelsey Mulrooney) in to an old estate as live-in help for an elderly widow, Mary Parkin (Maureen O'Hara).
While he struggles to balance his career and family life, he has recurring dreams about an angel.
The relationship between Keri, Jenna and Mrs Parkin is very revealing and the moment of the tree decorating is particularly heart-warming but it’s her interactions with Richard that exposes the secrets and sadness of her past.
This is a great holiday film with a classy performance from Maureen O'Hara and Richard Thomas puts in a gem of a performance.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – ANGEL IN THE FAMILY

Sarah Bishop (Tracey Needham) and her estranged sister Beth (Natasha Gregson Wagner) are reunited after their father Buddy (Ronny Cox) suffers a mild stroke.
Buddy, who's never accepted the loss of his wife Lorraine (Meredith Baxter), has only one wish and that is for her to return home for Christmas.
With the sweet memories of Christmas‘s gone by brought to mind, Sarah makes an impossible wish, namely that her mother could be there too and make the family complete.
And by morning, the Christmas prayer had been answered when her mother returned from beyond the grave to spend one final Christmas with her earthbound family.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – GIFT OF THE MAGI

Mark Webber and Marla Sokoloff star in this modern take on the classic tale the Gift of the Magi.
Newlyweds Jim and Della Young move into their new apartment, that they can barely afford and despite having to make do with second hand furnishings they are happy.
However after Della’s car is stolen they have to use up all their saving to buy another one.
As a result they agree not to buy Christmas presents that year.
Secretly however they both decide to do so anyway.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A CHRISTMAS VISITOR

A remarkable Christmas story of loss and renewal in which the Boyajian’s have not celebrated Christmas in 11 years not since they lost their son to the Persian Gulf War and their faith was lost with him.
But that all changed when a stranger joined them, who was around the same age their son would have been.
George (William Devane) struggles with the past and his wife Carol (Meredith Baxter) searches for answers and his daughter Jean (Reagan Pasternak) fights for the future.
They wonder if the stranger, Matthew (Dean McDermott), is a con artist or if he is perhaps the miracle their family has been waiting for.
Slowly his influence reawakens their faith and appreciation of Christmas in a way that will change them forever.
It’s a lovely endearing tale of small town America and learning to appreciate what you have through what you’ve lost.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS 2015

Jamie Patterson Mason Douglas is jealous of his rich friend Blake Matthews (Juliocesar Chavez) so when he gets annoyed at his parents (Antonio Sabato Jr and Shannen Doherty) he makes a wish to swap families with his wealthy best friend at Christmas.
To his delight his wish comes true and he finds himself living the extravagant lifestyle he always dreamed of true However despite having everything he ever wanted, his new mother and father have little time for him, and he grandmother has been dumped in a home and so he ends up trying to put things back the way they were.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE CHRISTMAS LIST

Krissy Kringle (Hilarie Burton) dislikes Christmas intently, mainly because she’s had to go through life with the name Krissy Kringle.
But she also suffered the indignity of having her street renamed “Candy Cane Lane” as a result of her name and the street name she gets regular deliveries of Christmas mail.
This particular year however was worse than normal when she is fired from the Ad Agency where she works instead of getting the promotion she was expecting and is forced to take a job as a present wrapper at the Mall and must dress as an Elf.
When she arrives home and forces open her front door, amidst the mountain of Christmas mail she finds a special delivery intended for Santa Claus, the Naughty or Nice book which he had left behind while visiting a child.
Krissy uses the power of the book to expose the naughty deeds of those around her, but soon finds that her newfound power can have devastating results.
Gabriel Tigerman is excellent as Krissie’s partner in crime at the Mall, Marco Webb and Michael Gross and Meredith Baxter put in a convincing performances as her parents Walter and Carol Kringle.