SANTA HAD TO INSURE THE SLEIGH

Santa had to insure the sleigh

At a fixed premium every time he flew

But on Christmas Eve it was more like

The Net Present Value

ONE OF SANTA'S REINDEER

One of Santa's reindeer

Thinks only of himself

And he has bad manners

Obviously its Rude-Olph

THE NORTH POLE HAS A PET # 2

The North Pole has a pet 

Owned by Santa Claus

And Santa called his Cat

Predictably, Santa Claws

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (021) Christmas Lunch

 

Terri Goode went to the University of Downshire in Abbottsford where she studied Drama and it was for her, like many girls of her age, a life defining time.

She was in halls for the first year and she shared with three other girls, and all four of them were studying the Performing Arts in one form or another and apart from their studies they also had in common the fact they were all natives of the Finchbottom Vale.

Terri was five foot eight with long cascading straw coloured hair,

mesmerizing blue eyes, a heart melting smile, a gorgeous figure, substantial breasts, and a pert derriere, all gracefully underpinned by stunning legs.

Out of all the girls Terri was the only one of them who was had a boyfriend when they first met during fresher’s week.

Ryan Chapman was four years older than her and had already been through University and he was literally the boy next door for Terri and she had loved him since she was 12 years old, but because she was younger and was a skinny tomboy with braces on her teeth she was invisible to him.

However, beneath the comfort of her duvet she fantasized about being with him and as she touched herself, she dreamed of him touching her.

She finally got him in the summer before she went off to Abbottsford and from that moment, she had him heart, body, and soul.

After dating for a month Ryan went to stay with his grandparents for two weeks and while he was away they began writing love letters to each other via email and when he returned to Shallowfield they made love for the first time, which was also her first time.

 

Ryan worked in Shallowfield for the Dancingdean Forestry Commission, which he heartily enjoyed, and his profession kept him at his physical peak, which he needed in order to keep up with a very vigorous Terri, because once she had succumbed to him that first time she wanted him all the time, he had created a monster, a beautiful, sexy, large breasted sex monster who wanted to do it with him at every opportunity, at any time and in any location.

So he kept his 6ft tall muscular physic in good order because he had to be ready for her, as with Terri in Abbottsford and Ryan in Shallowfield she was severely rationed, which was why when they did get together she wanted as much of him as she could get, so he would either drive to Abbottsford to give it to her or Terri would travel home to Shallowfield to get it.

Which was what happened in December when she got a lift home the week before Christmas after they had broken up for the holidays.

The first thing she did once she got all her things in the house was phone Ryan and invite him to lunch.

“I can’t babe” he said “We’re really snowed under”

“Oh, but you have to, everyone will be so disappointed” she pleaded

“Everyone?”

“Yes, the family” Terri lied “It’s for Christmas”

“You mean it’s a Christmas Lunch” he asked, “I really don’t have time for….”

“Its more of a buffet really, you don’t have to stay long” she explained

“Ok I’ll see you soon, but it’s really got to be a quickie” he agreed

“Absolutely, a quick in and out, I understand” she said

When she’d hung up, she quickly undressed and started to set the scene.

 

“Hello!” He called as he stepped through the front door “where is everyone”

“Is that you Ryan?” Terri called

“Yes, where are you?” he shouted

“I’m in the dining room” she called back so he walked down the hall

“Where’s everyone else, I thought we were having Christmas Lunch”

He said as he stepped into the dining room and found Terri lying draped across the table like an erotic Christmas buffet completely naked with only some strategically placed item of food to preserve her modesty.

“We are, and I’m it” she replied

“That’s a terrible waste of ham” he pointed out

“They’re just props from Uni” she said and threw one at him

“So, do you have enough time for some of this?”

“I could manage a morsel or two” he replied

“Good, now come and tuck in”

 

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (019) Christmas Mourning

 

The Ronettes where playing on the radio, it was Christmas morning and the children were rushing about like they’d had a caffeine injection; excitedly showing off their new toys while my wife was wrestling a turkey into the oven, and as I sat in my arm chair sipping my coffee my mind drifted back to the previous week.

 

The wipers swished rhythmically as they cleared the lightly beating sleet that was spattering the windscreen and the heater struggled to demist the inside, although all this was of no consequence as the car wasn’t actually moving.

It was the last Friday before Christmas and I was sat in a jam in the evening rush hour, half an hour I‘d been stuck in it and I was still only half a mile from where I worked.

I had time to take in the colourful and sometimes overly extravagant festive decoration on the houses which contrasted sharply with the meagre and rather tired looking display put on by the local council.

After another half, an hour I reached the main road, nothing to see here though, through the wet steamy windows except the red taillights of other frustrated drivers.

Twenty minutes after that accompanied by some over cheerful DJ on the radio, I could see the roundabout, the sleety rain was falling harder and it was difficult to see through the murkiness.

After crawling to the roundabout, I could just make out a flashing blue light which I suspected had nothing to do with Christmas.

As I got closer, I could see it was attached to a police car which was blocking my exit, without any explanation the police had closed the road.

So I was faced with a choice, go back the way I came or take the exit off the roundabout which would take me in the opposite direction from where I lived, after a moments consideration I did the latter.

By the time I eventually arrived home I was in a black mood, I shouted at the kids, moaned at my wife, and tried to kick the cat.

My mood was not improved when my half-cremated dinner was removed from the oven and what had once been gravy was now only a stain on the plate.

The weekend was spent doing all the pre-Christmas stuff with the family and all too soon it was over.

When I returned to work on Monday, I related my tale of woe to my workmate’s and we all had a big laugh about it.

Except for Harry, who lived locally, he just looked down at the ground grave faced.

Later, when we were alone, he told me the road was closed because a young woman had been knocked down and killed, and I was dumbstruck, I had no words just a feeling of shame at my selfishness.

It was a week before Christmas, and she had died, while I was cursing at being inconvenienced, ranting at being stuck in a jam.

A poor young woman lay dead on the rain-soaked street.

Somebody’s wife and lover, also a daughter and mother and she was mourned by two children, a sister, and a brother.

 

The sound of church Bells ringing out brought me back to Christmas morning and my family, but I still couldn’t help thinking of other families for whom Christmas morning would be less joyous.

With the bells still ringing out, I gave thanks for being alive.

I also vowed to be more patient, more tolerant and more understanding in the future, but I probably won’t keep it.

 

Snippets of Downshire Life – Christingle Girls

 

Downshire is a relatively small English county but that didn’t bother its inhabitants, they may not have been the biggest, but they were in no doubt that it was the best and that belief was no truer than in the southern town off Abbottsford which was Downshire’s administrative capital and the seat of the Downshire government.

It was also a place of learning thanks to the Downshire University, was home to Abbottsford Town football club and benefitted from the renowned Winston Churchill Hospital as well as Abbottsford Cathedral.

It was at the Cathedral where the Christingle service was being held which well attended as usual as there were children and families there from all around the diocese. 

 

The Christingle Service had become ingrained in Anglican worship though it had its origins in Eastern Europe and the Christingle Service is a Service of candle lights, where very many years ago people gathered in the street, sang carols and collected gifts to help the less fortunate in the community.

It is a beautiful candle lit service of hymns, carols, recitations and bible readings, but Christingle goes beyond a candle light service and it tells a story.

A story is told with the symbolic use of the following items:
An orange representing the world.
A red ribbon tied around the orange to symbolize the blood of Jesus shed for his people.
Toothpicks decorated with dried fruits and sweets placed at the four corners of the orange representing all the people of the world.
A lighted candle in the centre of the orange represents the gift of the light of Christ to the world.

Firstly, the children make the Christingle lights in Sunday school, and then they carry them proudly in procession into the church where they are lit for the service.

 

Because the symbol of the service began life in the Sunday School classes the leaders also attended to watch their charges and from St Hilda’s were Matt Genner, Paul Hill, Diana Sherlock, and Pamela Skeet.

 

Diana Sherlock thought of herself as a plump girl but in reality, she was just a couple of dress sizes bigger than her best friend.

In every other respect she thought she was ok, with her luscious Auburn hair and an abundance of freckle and was a tall girl, but that hadn’t been enough for her to get her anywhere with Matt Genner, and she was convinced he didn’t even know she existed, but she had been in love with Matt since she was 12 years old and she was now 18.

 

Matt Genner and Paul Hill were cousins and had black hair and wild gypsy eyes and were also 18 years old and good-looking boys, and were very popular with the girls, but the sort of girls who kept throwing themselves at them were not the type of girl they were looking for.

 

Pamela Skeet was 17-year-old and she was pretty, tall and slender girl with long dark hair and she was on the outside at least ultra-confident and ultra-popular with the boys who she kept dancing on strings, but they were not the right boys.

She was always immaculately turned out, painted, perfumed and powdered and ready to impress Mr Right.

But apparently, he was never looking her way, whoever he might be.

But for all her big talk and bravado she was fast approaching 18 and hadn’t even been kissed.

Because she was pretty and because she knew she was pretty, Pamela always talked big when it came to the opposite sex, and her friends bought into it.

But it was all bravado, if one of the men she flirted with actually came on to her she would have run a mile.

Outside she was sexy and confident but inside she was a shy and dowdy little mouse.

 

Pamela was convinced she was never going to be kissed and especially not before she reached her 18^th birthday.

She could quite easily get a kiss in time if she acted like a tart, but she wasn’t a tart and she wanted her first kiss to be romantic, not desperate.

Meanwhile Diana was still dreaming of a romantic affair with her prince charming Matt Genner but was resigned to the fact it would never happen.

 

The two friends finally confided in each other during December

“You fancy one of them?” Pamela probed “Which one?”

“Matt” she reluctantly replied

“How long have you fancied him?” Pam quizzed

“Since I was 12” she replied

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked

“Because nothing will ever come of it” Diana said definitively

 

But Pam was very persuasive, and they made a plan, so on the afternoon of the Christingle service the girls did each other’s makeup, so they could each snag themselves a dark-haired Gypsy eyed boyfriend.

“Wow” Pam said “I look really hot”

“Not bad eh?” Diana said admiring herself in the mirror

“I look about 20” Pam said, “Don’t you think?”

“21 maybe” Diana added

“Shall we go to the pub with them then” she suggested

Diana thought about it for a moment and said

“I don’t know” she said “I look rubbish”

“You can borrow something of mine” Pamela said

Diana reluctantly agreed so half an hour later they were laughing and joking and on their way to the Cathedral.

At the same time Pamela and Diana were doing their makeup Matt and his Cousin Paul were just leaving home themselves for the same destination.

 

The Christingle service was lovely, and the huge congregation thoroughly enjoyed it but for the girls it caused a problem for them as they lost track of the boys, but unbeknown to them they had also decided to go to the pub, fortunately they also chose the Castle.

 

Pamela hadn’t been to a pub before and although she looked old enough to be in there after the makeover, she had no ID, so she went and found a table and Diana bought the drinks.

 

The girls were sat at a corner table facing back towards the bar.

“Look who’s just come in” Pamela said, and Diana looked up and saw their prey standing at the bar.

As soon as she saw them Diana got all flustered and her cheeks flushed.

“What’s wrong with you?” Pamela asked

“Nothing” she said trying to look anywhere but at the bar.

“Just play it cool” Pam asked and glanced at the bar just as Matt looked across at them and smiled

“He’s looking over here” Pamela whispered

They both smiled back at him and then Diana said

“Well he’s not looking at me, is he?”

 

Diana spent the next 20 minutes sneaking glances at Matt as he laughed and joked with his cousin, every now and then he would throw a glance at her and she would look away.

There were a number of girls who approached them but whatever they were after they left without it.

Pamela suddenly got up and announced she was going to the loo and almost as soon as she left there was movement at the bar as Matt started walking towards Di.

“Hi Diana” he said

“Hello” she replied “Pamela’s gone to the loo”

“I know I saw her go” he said “it was you I wanted to talk to”

“Me?” she said incredulously

“Yes you” he replied

“Why?” she asked

“Blimey you don’t make it easy for a bloke” he said

“I don’t understand” she said

“I wanted to ask you something while Pamela was in the ladies” he explained

“Oh, I see” Diana said with a sigh “you want her phone number I suppose”

“No” Matt replied with surprise “Why would I want her number?”

“Sorry?”

“I wanted to ask you out” he explained

“Me?” she said incredulously

“Oh no not again, yes you” he replied

“I’ve been wanting to ask you out for ages, but I can never get you on your own, so I never get a look in”

“Seriously?” she asked 

“Yes” he replied “So?”

“Yes” she said

“Now was that a question or an answer?”

“Definitely an answer” she said and grinned like a Cheshire cat.

“Good” he said, “now can I get you a drink?”

 

Matt walked to the bar just as Pamela returned from the toilet and Paul joined his brother at the bar.

When he first walked to the bar and saw Diana sitting at the corner table he congratulated himself on his choice of venue and hoped Christmas had arrived early and seemed he was not to be disappointed.

 

“Well?” Pamela asked when she returned to the table.

“Well what?” she replied

“Did he ask you?” Pamela asked

“Yes” she said excitedly, and they hugged

“But how did you know?”

“Paul told me” she replied

“But how did he know?”

“Matt told him?” Pamela said

“Oh”

“Anyway, Paul told me” she said “and then he kissed me”

“Where?” asked Diana, wide eyed with curiosity

“On the lips stupid”

“No, I mean, where?” she explained “Where were you when he kissed you”

“Oh outside” Pamela clarified

“What were you doing outside?” Diana asked “Apart from being kissed”

“Well I went to the loo” Pamela explained “and when I came out Paul was there waiting for me and he told me no to go back to the table because Matt was asking you out”

She paused for breath

“Which was taking forever by the way, and we were blocking the door, so he suggested we went outside and that was when he kissed me, in the moonlight, it was very romantic”

“Wow” Diana responded “And did he ask you out as well?

“Yes” she said excitedly, and they hugged again

“Who’d of thought it, I have a date”

Diana said

“Me too” Pamela squealed just as the boys and the drinks arrived.

 

After they were on the way home from the bus stop they split up.

Paul turned left so he could walk Pamela home and romantically kiss her in the moonlight once more and Matt and Diana turned right and walked slowly hand in hand in the moonlight, as they were in no rush to get home.

“Fancy that, I’m walking hand in hand with Matt Genner” she said inside her head

While Matt was thinking to himself how lucky he was.

 

“Was that romantic enough for you?” Paul asked moments after his lips left hers

“It was acceptable” she said

“Perhaps I should have another go” he suggested

“Definitely worth a try” Pamela said obligingly

 

When they got to the end of the path that led to her front door they came to a halt and he turned to face her, and he kissed her soft lips, in a long and sensual kiss.

“I’ve been waiting a long time to do that” Diana said

“Me too” he concurred

“How long?” she asked

“A couple of years, almost three to be precise” he confessed

“I was 12” she admitted “when I first noticed you like that”

“Was it worth the wait?” he asked

“It was for me” she said

And then her kissed her again which she took to mean “me too”

 

So, the Christingle Girls got their dark-haired gypsy eyed boys and had them hook, line and sinker, and they were all set to have a very happy Christmas indeed.

I AM A DOUBTING THOMAS

 

I am certainly a doubting Thomas

My doubts are quite eclectic

But my disbelieving is such

That I don’t believe in sceptics