Christmas Poem Selection # 18

CRIMBO

Bunting and frolic
Candles and smells
Garlands and gaiety
Baubles and bells
The holly and the ivy
Sprigs of mistletoe
Cookies and eggnog
Have a happy Crimbo

WITH EXPECTANT FACES FULL OF SMILES

With expectant faces full of smiles
The children sit around the tree
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
And wondering “What’s Santa got for me”

Eagerly the children sit by the tree
Their expectant smiling faces all aglow
Waiting to get amongst the gifts
On the moment when Nan says “go”

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
I’ll spend Christmas time with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
It should be the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
But I’ve just realized my folly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

Stab me in the heart with holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dad has run away with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Stuff the turkeys arse with holly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Theres no reason to be jolly,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

I LOVE THE FESTIVE SEASON

I love the festive season
When it’s cold and freezing
Then my favourite thing to do
Is to cuddle up close to you

ARE YOU WEARING IT THE RIGHT WAY?

Are you wearing it the right way?
I heard the pretty girl say
Should it be tied like so?
For kissing under the mistletoe
Am I showing my naïveté?
In the most embarrassing way
It’s just that I kind of felt
It shouldn’t be tied on your belt

KEEP CHRISTMAS WELL

Keep Christmas well
Embrace its spirit
Feel its warmth and joy
Hold it in your heart
And keep its embers alight
Carry it with you
From one year to the next
So it will never end

FAMILY CHRISTMASES

When I think back to those Christmases
I and my brothers and sisters shared
And all the love that filled the house
When no other time quite compared

I realized just how lucky we all were
Lucky we had a family that truly cared
Who gave us love and now that I am older
I make sure that love is liberally shared

THE BLESSED SEASON

God richly blesses us
The Good Lord fulfils us
And bestows love upon us
This and every Christmas

DARLING I LOVE YOU

Each and every day
I say these words to you
Darling I love you

Then every Christmas
I say these words to you
Merry Christmas Darling I love you

And every New Year
I say these words to you
Happy New Year Darling I love you

And every time I say it
You look at me and say
Whatever

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 1

I've always loved my Santa
In his Red Velvet suit
With his long white beard
And cheeks all rosy and cute
His deep throated laughter
All happy and jolly
And he loves his naughty
Little Miss Molly

THIS WISH, I WISH

This wish I wish,
Is a wish for you,
The wish is for me
The wish is for you
The wish, I wish
Is a wish for you,
Don’t you see?
The wish is for you
That’s what I wish
I wish only for you

THE GREAT STAR OF LIGHT

The great star of light
Graced the nativity
Where the holy family,
Mary and her child
And the Noble Joseph
Dwelt in the humble stall

The beasts in the stable
The Kings of the east
And shepherds from the hill
Witnessed the gift of love
Given by a gracious God
To the sinful world

ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT

When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C

THE YEAR IS TURNING

The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution

Christmas Poem Selection # 17

IT’S SUCH A MILD NEW YEAR

It’s such a mild New Year
All the birds are singing noisily
Noisy little bastards
Should be frozen to a tree

LET’S RAISE A GLASS TO MUM # 2

Let’s raise a glass to Mum
For yet another job well done
And the essence of my reasoning
Is, you are the festive seasoning
For by chasing the blandness away
It’s you who flavours the day

WHATEVER FUTURE GIFTS

Whatever future gifts
That might make me glad
Or any from the past
Including when I was a lad
There is nothing to compare
To the gift of being a Dad

THE BAUBLE AND THE BELL

The bauble and the bell
The tinsel star as well
The angel with its wings
The shepherds and the Kings
The tree’s coloured lights
The tinsel sparkling bright
The garlands hanging high
So pleasing to the eye
These are the things
That Christmas time brings

THE HERALDS OF THE LORD

The heralds of the lord
Sung in one accord
Speaking of a child
So meek and mild
A halo on its curls
A gift to the world
A beacon in the night
Exuding loving light

THE BEST PRESENTS CANNOT BE BOUGHT

The best presents cannot be bought
There is no mall where they can be sought
But if you have sufficiently striven
The best present can be easily given
It resides in you, channelled from above
That most wondrous gift of eternal love

THE BEST PRESENT YOU CAN EVER RECEIVE

The best present you can ever receive
Does not possess any monetary value
Yet is more precious than pure gold
It’s the gift of someone loving you

LEADING UP TO CHRISTMAS DAY

Leading up to Christmas day
Happy Christmas you should say
But so often it goes unsaid,
People say happy holidays instead

CHRISTMAS STAR

I wouldn’t need to look too far
To find the perfect Christmas star
I’d open my eyes and there you are
I don’t have to wish upon a star
To find the perfect Christmas star
Because you're the very best by far

CHRISTMAS IS SPECIAL

Christmas is special
And you are the reason
Your touch adds lustre
To the festive season

YOU LOOK UPON CHRISTMAS

You look upon Christmas
As just another of your duties
And over the years
You’ve given us some beauties

You don’t think that it’s Special
It’s just something that you do
But Christmas doesn’t just happen
It’s made piece by piece by you

Everything that is Christmas
When all said and done
Is completely down to you
So Happy Christmas Mum

DON’T THINK WE HAVEN’T NOTICED

Don’t think we haven’t noticed
Just because we haven’t said
But we know that compliments
Are something that you dread
You’ve made a perfect Christmas
With your own fair hands
You thought of every detail
In your carefully made plans
We’ve enjoyed every moment
All the festivities and fun
So although you’ll be embarrassed
Thanks for Christmas mum

THE NIGHT IS CLEAR

The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here

I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS

I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas

NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?

Christmas Poem Selection # 16

ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?

Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat

MY VERY WORST CHRISTMAS EVER

My very worst Christmas ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
For hours of innocent ex-box fun

CRIMBLETIDE

I really love Crimbletide
It makes me all warm inside
And the joy I cannot hide
For the season of Crimbletide

TO ALL OF YOU, FROM ALL OF US

I have to say
Without ado
It’s time to say
To all of you
From all of us
Merry Christmas

PERSISTENT AND DISRUPTIVE WINDS

Persistent and disruptive winds,
There seems to be no doubts,
Are predicted after Christmas
And it will probably be the Sprouts

A VEGETARIAN CHRISTMAS

Do you want to celebrate?
A vegetarian Christmas
Then here you are
Have a freshly strained
Vegetable every day
With the advent colander

THE COUNCIL CHRISTMAS TREE

The council Christmas tree is dressed
And the lights were switched on in June
But don’t get yourself unduly distressed
With energy saving lights it’s not too soon
Because you must switch them on remember
So they are warmed up by December

THE WEATHER MAY BE DREARY

The weather may be dreary
My bones maybe weary
I may walk with heavy step
I may be lacking in pep
But when Christmas arrives
My spirit soon revives

IT LIFTS THE HEART AND SOUL

It lifts the heart and soul
Even when doing chores
What the yearlong drains
The festive season restores

THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON

Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe

BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR

Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released

CHRISTMAS IS A SPECIAL TIME

Christmas is a special time
When wishes can come true
But if you find they don’t
You can still make believe
That she is in love with you

SEASONS COME AND GO

Seasons come and go, but
For me the festive season
Is the most special of all
It refreshes and restores
Simply put, it invigorates
And sets me up once again
For the coming year ahead

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 2

My worst Christmas present ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
Really tatty and really not fun

When I complained to my dad
And declared it worse than socks
He said I should be more grateful
To receive my very own ex-box

To make things so much worse
My dad thought it was quite nifty
If you then spun the box around
To make an ex-box 360

WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES

When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope

Christmas Poem Selection # 15

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

IT’S NOT EVERYONE’S IDEAL

It’s not everyone’s ideal
Not their cup of tea
Or glass of mulled wine
But it is for me
Christmas is special
A wonderful heartfelt time
When deep felt feelings
Of happiness and joy
Rise to the surface
Like bubbles in champagne

THE WARM GLOW

In the warm glow
Of the log fire blazing
The fresh trimmed tree
Just looks amazing

As we sit together
In the quiet glow
I yearn to say
How much I love you so

The depth of my love
Is truly amazing
And just one coy glance
Sets my passions blazing

So on Christmas Eve
In the quiet glow
I think it’s time
For you to know
Just how much
I love you so

ADIOS FRIEND

My Christmas wish for you,
My friend is a simple one
Have a happy time in the cold
I’m jetting off to the sun

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

We listen at 3pm on Christmas day
To hear what the Queen has to say
While for those of a Republican bent
An alternative is just a click away

SOAP TRADITION

Christmas is all about traditions
But they evolve across the years
Some fall from favour all together
Then new ones seem to appear

This is certainly the case
Of one of the more recent traditions
To the familiar Christmas fare
The TV soaps festive additions

This is when the tired old plot line
That’s simmered away since June
Suddenly explodes in your face
And not a moment too soon

A QUIET MAGIC DESCENDS

Oh how a quiet magic descends
Upon the streets on Christmas day
As it’s the one day of the year
The shops are closed all day

CHRISTMAS DAY FOR THE POOR

Christmas day for the poor,
Hold very little surprise
For them it’s just another day
In a sparkling disguise

CHRISTMAS IS OUR FAVOURITE CELEBRATION

Christmas is our favourite celebration
In fact it is the most special occasion
A time to express what is in our hearts
The moment the festive season starts
For we have the most heartfelt wish
For those whose love we truly cherish.

IT’S SUCH A MILD CHRISTMAS

It’s such a mild Christmas
All the birds are singing noisily
Normally in December
They’re all frozen to a tree
MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 1

My worst Christmas present ever
I thought I would be lucky to receive
It was big and so full of possibilities
But it really flattered to deceive

Beneath the coloured paper
That hinted at hidden promise
It turned out to be a cardboard box
Containing only emptiness

My mum was watching me intently
And my disappointment hurt her
My cheapskate dad then told me
It was an Action Man deserter

ARE YOU SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER?

Are you Santa’s little helper?
Well you’re a proper little belter
I love the little pixie boots
And the red velvet dress really suits
The Santa hat looks very smart
The stripy stockings stir the heart
And I’d like to see your garters
But give me a kiss for starters

CANDY CANES, CINNAMON AND GINGER

Candy Canes,
Cinnamon and Ginger
Are some of my favourite
Christmas things
Especially when
They’re only wearing
Christmas Stockings
And Popcorn Strings

A SNOWMANS TALE

When I was very little
My dad and his brother
Built a huge snowman
Bigger than any other

He was as tall as Dad
And was round and fat
It had coal for eyes
And a big black hat

A scarf about its neck
For sartorial style
A large carrot nose
And a twig for a smile

Knobbly stick arms
With gloves at the end
A belt around its girth
Like a cummerbund

I loved that snowman
Standing so very tall
Until the eventual thaw
And I watched him fall

MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR

My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away

Christmas Poem Selection # 14

ARE YOU WEARING ELFIN EARS?

Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingely dell
With all the woodland creatures
ELF PRINCESS

I will be your elf princess
And I will be forever yours
So put on the red suit
And be my Santa Claus

WHAT WOULD I WISH FOR?

If I had a Christmas wish
What would I wish for?
Well that’s a good question
I’m not really sure
I'd wish for peace in the world
Yes I think that would do
No I’m only kidding
I would wish for you

FLAWLESS

You are fat and round
And your trousers are tight
Your nose is quite red
And your beard is white
Now all of the above
Might be considered flaws
But they’re not to me
As you are my Santa Claus

PANTER CLAUS

We’ll have a quiet night in
So let the festivities begin
I think it really is a thriller
To have you as a stocking filler
Do you think it shocking?
To want you in my stocking
But I’ll fill you with joy
If you’ll be my sex toy
I can be your secret Santa
You can be my sultry panter
A bit of festive rough and tumble
Ok then just a quick fumble
I thought you’d be up for a goose
They all said you were loose
Then you’re not a sure thing?
And you don’t swing?
No please don’t go home yet
I’m the best offer you’ll get
Sod it another quiet night in
Let the celibacies begin

THE FESTIVE INTERVAL

When celebrating
The festive interval
Please refrain from calling it
The winterval

SCROOGE LIKE

They say the perfect Christmas
Is blessed with family and friends
I say the fewer the better
Otherwise the present buying never ends

A SIMPLE GIFT

I’m hoping that this Christmas
I will get what I desire
I’m not that easy to please
I don’t ridiculously aspire

I don’t want the moon and stars
Or diamonds or pearls
Some perfume or cosmetics will do
I’m not one of those greedy girls

I just want something for me
Just a small thing, for me this year
But as always it will be something
For the house from IKEA

SHOPS IN THE HIGH STREET

Shops in the high street
Are full to overflowing
With irate customers
Franticly to-ing and fro-ing

The shopkeeper delights
While prices are rocketing
Happy in the knowledge
Of the profits he’s pocketing

And in his smug contentment
He rubs his hands with glee
“Merry Christmas you mugs
And a prosperous new year, for me”

RUSH AND SCURRY

Hurry, hurry shopping in Surrey
Hurry, hurry, rush and scurry
Worry, worry, fresh snow flurry
Hurry Murray rush and scurry
Let’s get home and have a curry

CHRISTMAS EVE AT THE HOSTELRY

The local hostelries are full
As they approach the brink
And raise their glasses high
For yet another festive drink
The season roundly toasted
Measured by each glasses chink
The next morning’s celebration
Will be a silent one I think

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing it for a reason?
Is it because of the festive season?
You won’t be kissed under the mistletoe
Because you’re wearing it too low

IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE

If you put Candy canes on the tree
And Popcorn on strings
Then let me give the kind of advice
That experience brings
Don’t pack them away after the
Bell of New Year rings
Otherwise next year they will be
Seriously unsavory things

IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE

In the Christmas village
At the North Pole
There is much excitement
Being kept under control
As there is to be an election
For every Elf and Troll
Votes can of course be cast
At the North Poll

WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES

We all played Charades
At the in laws on Boxing Day
My wife’s Uncle Jack
Really went for it I must say
We were really impressed
By his energetic display
It was ten minutes before we knew
His heart had given way

Christmas Poem Selection # 13

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Santa outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The boots and beard and hat
And padding to make you look fat
I didn’t believe in Santa anymore
Now I see you and I think phwor

I HATE JANUARY

I hate January
January I do not enjoy
It has no pleasure
It has no joy

Christmas is over
All the money has gone
5 weeks till payday
January is wrong

I love December
December has it all
December is the time
To have a ball

In fact December
Has too much fun
And not enough time
To get it all done

The Festivities
Leave us in a daze
There is too much
For 31 days

So the solution
Is a simple one
I can’t believe
It hasn’t been done

Get rid of January
No one likes it
Have two Decembers
Then everything will fit

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble

AFTER THREE WEEKS OR SO

After three weeks or so
Working in the grotto
It begins to take its toll
On the poor old soul
Sitting on his great chair
Pretending to care
As all the girls and boys
Plead for various toys
Kids of every shape and size
Looking for a prize
Clambering on his knee
Wriggling with glee
Until the poor old chap
Suffers from Santa lap

THE OFFICE PARTY

The office party
Was relief from the slog
When you spent your time
Hitting the nog
And hanging by the mistletoe
Hoping for a snog

I DON’T NEED THE FINEST GIFT

I don’t need the finest gift
I don’t need a Christmas wish
Because I’m already blessed
With a special Christmas dish

AT THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS BINGE

Well at the end of the year
Its managements’ biggest fear
That staff should infringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

After spiking the fruit punch
In the canteen after lunch
Their totally off their hinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The amount of alcohol downed
As many a sorrow was drowned
Made the accountant whinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The extent of the revelling
Was quite frankly bedevilling
Enough for his beard to singe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The things that a little party ho
Did beneath the mistletoe
Would make a puritan cringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

Karen from reception bless her
Botox-ed her face with vodka
With a catering syringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The level of fraternization
Was quite a revelation
And caused a few backs to twinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

You may well be forgiven
After the events which had arisen
That it was the lunatic fringe
At their annual Christmas Binge

Next day when the party was over
Everyone suffered from a hangover
And all took on an earthy tinge
The day after the Christmas binge

MY GIFT IS A SPECIAL LOVE

My gift is a special love
That lasts the whole year through
So if I had a Christmas wish
I would still wish for you

A SPRIG OF MISTLETOE

There hangs a sprig of Mistletoe
The first of the season I’ve seen
Its berries glowing like pearls
Amongst the tiny leaves of green

And below stands sweet Emily
Where hangs the Mistletoe above
Tied with red ribbon to the beam
And I claim a kiss from the girl I love

MY COMFORT AND SUCCOUR

Have a lovely Christmas
My companion and confident
My friend of friends,
My comfort and succour
Have a lovely Christmas
Soother of my soul
You are everything to me
Except my lover
Have a lovely Christmas
Occupant of my heart
My comfort and succour
My secret love

A WASTED WISH

Why would I make a Christmas Wish?
And hope that it would come true,
What on earth could I ever wish for?
That would be a tenth as good as you

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - FROSTY

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Frosty’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The carrot faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Frosty
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS

The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem

NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES

When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree

Christmas Poem Selection # 12

ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?

Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do

NOW THAT IT'S CHRISTMAS # 2

Now that it's Christmas
It makes me kind of glum
To do all the things
I used to do with mum
But when I feel her beside me
Then I don’t feel so glum

IT ISN’T SUPPED WITH ENDLESS BEERS

The magic of Christmas
Isn’t supped with endless beers
Nor is it to be expressed
Within vociferous cheers
The magic of Christmas
As through all the years
Is to be found in the company
Of your nears and dears

IF I GREW A BEARD OF WHITE

If I grew a beard of white
On the off chance that I might
Have a chance to advance my cause
By appearing to you as Santa Claus
And you would have you tell to me
As you sat upon my knee
What it is that you most desire
And to what hopes you most aspire
And if those secrets you told to me
You might find them beneath your tree

WE WENT TO A FAIRY TALE PARTY

We went to a fairy tale party
Which I thought was crappy
I ended up feeling grumpy
While my wife was feeling happy

THE LAST REINDEER

A reindeer walked into a pub,
And ordered a pint of beer.
The barman pulled a pint
And gave it to the reindeer,

The reindeer took the drink
And handed over a ten
He checked his change
Then he checked it again

The barman then said
"You’re the first reindeer
I think I’m right in saying
That we've had in here."

He delivered to the barman
A look, barely disguised
“To be honest at these prices
I'm really not surprised”

CHRISTMAS TRIMMINGS

Christmas planning is essential
Or else the festive ambience suffers
And you will not easily be forgiven
If you forget the stocking stuffer’s

BELLS AND SMELLS

Bells and smells
Bells and smells
Christmas all the way
Oh what fun it is to sing
Of the holy Christmas day

FAIRY TALE STATISTIC

Here’s a Statistic
That’s really crappy
6 out of 7 dwarves
Really aren’t Happy

LITTLE BOXES

Little parcels by the fireside
Little parcels wrapped in pretty paper
Little parcels by the fireside
Little labels all the same

There's a round one and a square one
And a long one and a squishy one,
And they're all wrapped in pretty paper
Little labels all the same

And the people in their houses
All sit beside the Christmas tree
And one un-wraps a pretty parcel
Then the others do the same

So the round one and the square one
And the long one and the squishy one,
That were all wrapped in pretty paper
Christmas presents is the name

GLIDING IN DESCENT

Gliding in descent
On gossamer wings
The angel of the lord
Rejoicing sings
A child is born
The king of kings

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH

Christmas day just after Lunch
My family, being a fun loving bunch
Engage enthusiastically one and all
In parlour games to enthral
At first the alcohol fuelled the fun
And a good time was had by everyone
However as the day wore on
With all self-control long gone
The games degenerate into farce
As an opponent is knocked on his arse
And the afternoon ends in tears
As it has done across the years
And dad makes his annual decree
“Games are forthwith banned” said he

MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR

My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - SANTA

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

Christmas Poem Selection # 11

ARE YOU WEARING A SPRIG OF MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing a sprig of mistletoe?
Are you hoping to meet a beau?
And kiss him passionately in the snow
An embrace to leave you all aglow
Is that why you wear the mistletoe?

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”

RUDOLF’S LOW SELF ESTEEM

Rudolf suffered
From low self esteem
Due to the red nose
It would seem

It rendered him useless
As a parcel carrier
So Santa made a call
To a reindeer whisperer

NOW THAT IT'S CHRISTMAS # 1

Now that it's Christmas
It makes me kind of sad
To do all the things
I used to do with Dad
But when I feel him beside me
Then I don’t feel so bad

JOY BRINGER, TOY BRINGER

Joy bringer
Toy bringer
He’s the real McCoy
For every girl and boy

NOT A THRIFT GIVER

Not a thrift giver
But a gift giver
Santa will forever
Have love to deliver

THIS IS OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS

This is our first Christmas
As husband and wife
The very first Christmas
Of our married life
This is our first Christmas
Together in our house
The very first Christmas
With my very own spouse

PUT ASIDE YOUR SADNESS

Put aside your sadness
Lose yourself in the madness
That is Christmas,
Come spend it with us
Come and you will see
That with cherished company
The season will be a little brighter
And the weight on your heart a little lighter

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF

Santa and his little Elf
Have been dismissed
For activities undertaken
When they were pissed
That got both of them
Put on the naughty list

HANDLE MUM WITH CARE

Mum gets really stressed out at Christmas
And you upset her if you dare
Because the result could be that you will
Be hung from the chimney with care

CHRISTMAS MANIA

Uncle John has mental health issues
And he doesn’t do well with stress
So normally come Christmas time
He has to board the bi-polar express

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?

Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise

I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

I went out Christmas shopping
But I didn’t get very far
Before I got caught shoplifting
As I stole an advent calendar
The shopkeeper had me arrested
Because of my larcenous ways
And for stealing an advent calendar
I got twenty five days

CRACKERS, FRUITCAKE AND NUTS

Crackers, fruitcake and nuts
They mean Christmas to me
Although to be honest, they
Could also describe my family

WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME

When Santa returned home
To have his tea
His wife was there
Waiting apprehensively
“There was a phone call for you”
Said Mrs. C
“It was a little garbled
And made no sense to me
Something about Saville
And Operation Yew tree”

Christmas Poem Selection # 10

ARE YOU WEARING PLAITS?

Are you wearing plaits?
Seriously though are you
You’re going to wear plaits
To the annual Christmas do

And dressed as a milk maid
Perhaps Scandinavian born
You look like you’re dressed
For 1970s porn

BOXING DAY MORNING

If you wake up and feel like hell,
And if you really feel quite unwell
Then that is the best way for you to tell
That you really did Christmas well

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY

Well I think it has happened
It is my darkest fear
Christmas is getting earlier
Each and every year

When I was at the mall today
I heard Bing Crosby croon
“White Christmas”
And it’s still only June

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

This is the happy season
Of peace and goodwill
And joy to the world
Let good rule over ill
Merry Christmas world
From here to Brazil
Joy to the entire world
For peace is Gods will

CHRISTMAS OVER INDULGENCE

There isn’t any doubt or question
What caused this awful indigestion?
It wasn’t the five course lunch
Or all the sweets we had to munch
It wasn’t the Lager the Stout or the Shandy
It wasn’t the Wine the Scotch or the Brandy
No the culprit with out any doubts
Was the obligatory spoonful of sprouts

BY CAR, BY PLANE, BY TRAIN

They make the journey each year
By car, by plane, by train,
Travelling across the miles
To spend Christmas at home again

I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS

I can’t wait until Christmas
I just want to let you know
You have all my love
This Christmas tied up with a bow

BLESSED IS THE HOLY SEASON

Blessed is the holy season
Jesus Christ is the reason
Let the garlands be unfurled
For a gift of love unto the world

WHEN THE GIFTS HAVE ALL BEEN OPENED

When the gifts have all been opened
And the season starts to wane
When December days have passed by
And a New Year starts again
Let’s pack away the decorations
But let the love and peace remain

THE CROWDS ARE BUSTLING

The crowds are bustling
On the busy Christmas streets
The throng is blustering
In search of Christmas treats
Tills are ringing out their Christmas song
In the markets and the shopping mall
Everyone gets a piece of the action
Street traders, vendors, buskers and all

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
I hear the bell chimes
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The best of all times
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The old and the new
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas to you

ALL ACROSS THIS COUNTRY

All across this country
All across this land
All across the world
His route is carefully planned

To keep ahead of the sun
To miss the no fly zones
Avoid the passenger planes
And steer clear of traffic cones

He must carefully time his mission
To a schedule carefully trialled
To ensure its full success
And not disappoint a single child

ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low

I LOVE THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS

I love the smells of Christmas
Like Cinnamon and Ginger
Roasted chestnuts piping hot

Gluhwein and Pine needles
So I feel sorry for the snowmen
As they can only smell carrot

CHRISTMAS

Christ the lord
Holy birth in Bethlehem
Regal child in David’s city
Infant of God
Sent from heaven above
To die for us
Messiah in a manger
Angelic miracle
Saviour of man

WE HAVE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WINE

We have the same Christmas wine
Every year on Christmas day
“I don't want any Brussels sprouts”
The family all shrilly say

Christmas Poem Selection # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA HAT?

Are you wearing a Santa hat?
A festive little “tit for tat”
Well it really does suit
In fact you look very cute
Are you wearing it for fun?
Or do you have it set at anyone?
I think it looks very twee
I wish you were wearing it for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

YOU’RE MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my very own Christmas delight.
Please stay with me tonight

REMEMBRANCE SHINES

Remembrance shines most
Bright, like the Christmas candle light,
During the Christmas rite

KEEP THE SPIRIT

Try to keep the spirit
Of Christmas true in your heart
Every day of the year

CHRISTMAS WISHES JUST FOR YOU

Christmas wishes just for you
Sent with love, tried and true
I send you love, I send you cheer,
I just wish we weren’t apart this year

MARIE CHRISTMAS

Marie Christmas
Loved the season
And she loved it
For a special reason

For it was the time
She would see her beau
As he flew his sleigh
Going ho ho ho

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

CHRISTMAS FELICITATIONS

Merry Christmas,
Good will to all men,
The festive season
Is with us once again,

The special holy day
Is growing very near
So Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year

COLD CHRISTMAS

I can’t believe you did it
How typically bold
Dumping me at Christmas
How awfully cold

Still on the bright side
I won’t have to strain and heave
Rushing to find a gift
For you on Christmas Eve

I won’t spend the season
Living like a monk
I’ll be very merry
If not drunk as a skunk

But I can’t believe you did it
It’s a really shitty thing to do
Dumping me at Christmas
How typical of you

It’s probably for the best
So I won’t shed a tear
Have a merry Christmas
And a really shit New Year

CHRISTMAS CARD SELECTION

I bought a bumper selection
Of Christmas cards today
One hundred assorted cards
A real bargain I would say

But not a shepherd or angel
Nor a stable, a star or a king
Not a holy word of praise
No Jesus, no God not a thing

I told my wife of my disgust
She said not to make a fuss
But they had managed to take
Christ out of Christmas

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1

Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season

GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT

Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even

SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG

Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley

Christmas Poem Selection # 8

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA SUIT?

Are you wearing a Santa Suit?
I have to say you do look cute
I wonder if there might just be
A little room in there for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

NEW BABY AT CHRISTMAS

Oh how our hearts melted
When you were born
A gift to us from God
Given on Christmas morn

STALKS AND STEMS

On a bed of haulm
In a stable bare
The son off God
Is laying there

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas
Married Santa Claus
She had some concerns
And decided to take pause
To discuss a pre-nup
Within the current laws
She was not concerned
With any character flaws
She just wanted the security
Of a get out Claus

THEY ARE THE THREE KINGS

There are three things
That Christmas brings
They are the three kings

Trimming and dec-king
Gratefully than-king,
And memory ma-king,

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

I DON’T WANT TO WISH YOU

I don’t want to wish you
A happy holiday
No that I will not say

I’m not going to wish you
A happy yuletide
No that I will not abide

I’m not going to wish you
A happy festive period,
No and the reasons are myriad

I’m not going to wish you
A happy winter festival
No, that isn’t suitable

I’m going to wish to you
A very happy Christmas
So have a very Happy Christmas

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

My Christmas gift to you
Is not wrapped up in coloured paper,
Tied with ribbon and bows
And hidden beneath the tree
It’s visible for all to see
It is written on my face
Like ink on parchment
It spills out from my heart
Like boiling milk from a pan
It emanates from my every pore
And surrounds us all
My Christmas gift to you
Is my never ending love

PS – there are gifts under the tree as well

A CHRISTMAS DREAM

It was just another dream
That I awoke from that morn
It was a very familiar dream
A regular one rather well worn

The theme was the same as usual
The dream was all about you
Just another stupid dream
That will never come true

But it wasn’t exactly the same
It was a variation on a theme
This time it had changed
It was a Christmas dream

But this time it felt so real
Will it ever come true?
This Christmas dream of mine
About spending Christmas with you

CHRISTMAS IS THE PERFECT TIME

Christmas is the perfect time
For the perfect Christmas rhyme
So when the bells of Christmas chime
Have the happiest Christmas time

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table

DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis

I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH

I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas

Christmas Poem Selection # 7

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing it for a reason?
That outfit for the Christmas season
Yes it does come around very soon
But you do realise that it’s only June

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 13

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling

IT’S ALL DOWN TO YOU

It’s all down to you
You are the number one
Thanks for everything
For another job well done
You’re the best of the best
Happy Christmas Mum

WITHOUT SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

Without Santa’s little helper
Christmas would be very hard
I don’t think I could do Christmas
Without my credit card

A WINTER BLUNDERLAND

Door bells ring, are you listening,
In the street, snow is glistening,
Out in the night,
There’s a hideous sight
Your mother in her winter underwear

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?

What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
“Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance”

CHRISTMAS SWEATER

My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell

For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater

I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate

It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it

She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate

She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto

ITS NOT THAT I’M ANTI SOCIAL

I won’t come to the pub
Thank you all the same
Not in celebration
No thanks I will refrain

I will go to church
Thank you all the same
To celebrate the day
That the Lord came

UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

Don’t worry that the little ones
Will be up at the crack of dawn
It is worth it to see the simple joy
In their eyes on Christmas morn

SOMETHING MAGICAL IS HAPPENING

Something magical is happening
Can you feel it?
Something special is on its way
You all love it

Christmas is coming and hearts
Are full to brimming
Because Christmas is abiding love
With all the trimmings

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care

SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC

So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus

AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH

After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasn’t milk and cookies
That made Santa’s taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Claus’s
Freshly made Crisp Cringle

THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD

There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad

Christmas Poem Selection # 6

ARE YOU WEARING ELFISH EARS?

Are you wearing elfish ears?
It’s a very interesting feature
Though more appropriate
On a woodland creature
And not really suitable
For one in your position
You are let me remind you
The leader of the opposition

SAD CHRISTMAS

There is a pain in my chest
Where my heart used to be
There are tears in my eyes
That are blinding me
Let the season pass
Without my participation
Christmas won't be merry
Is my sad anticipation

CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

She likes surprises
And at Christmas even more
So I do what I can
To give her surprises galore

Each year it gets harder
But I do what I can
This year I will tell her
I haven’t always been a man

THE SALVATION ARMY BELLS

The sound of Christmas really tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army bells
Calling out into the dark
Calling out to the heart
Ringing out in the throng
Singing out a heralding song
Give a little, not a lot
Give a little for their lot
They have little, but are not less
Give your coins and let them bless
A tale of generosity tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army’s bells

THE GLAD THE MAD AND THE BAD

Well it’s that time of year again
The time when we feign gladness
When we all get caught up
In the annual collective madness
The time of year when we pretend
The world is not full of badness

THE GIFT OF GIVING

Gift giving
Is in itself a gift
Get it right
And watch spirits lift
Get it wrong
And they’ll be miffed
And undoubtedly
You’ll get short shrift
It isn’t in every one
Not everyone is able
So be warned
As you wrap and label
That a turkey
May not be confined to the table

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Christmas spirit,
No matter what you might think
Doesn’t come in a bottle
It isn’t a drink
It cannot be supped
But can be consumed
But its presence
Cannot be presumed
It must be cherished
Where it is found
Respectfully nurtured
And then spread around

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry

CHRISTMAS FERN

Christmas ferns
Abundant and evergreen
With Pinnate leaves
In lance-shaped fronds
Dense clusters of
Featherlike leaflets
In wide display
Decorate the
Christmas landscape
Of North America

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
LET’S RAISE A GLASS TO MUM # 1

Let’s raise a glass to Mum
And I speak for us all when I say
You have triumphed once again
In your quiet efficient way
You have managed to conjure up
Another perfect Christmas day

ON A STILL CLEAR NIGHT

The shepherds rested in the firelight
When they were woken on a still clear night
By heavens choir hastening them
To go forth unto Bethlehem
The heavenly choir
Sang of Gods desire
To give the world his son
His one and only one
The choir continued to sing
And announced the birth of a king

MERRY, MERRY

The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”

A WINTER WONDERLAND

My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging in your winter underwear

OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER

Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team

Christmas Poem Selection # 5

ARE YOU WEARING A BUNCH OF MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing a bunch of mistletoe?
Well you certainly mean business
Isn’t that overkill? “Less is more” after all
But you know what you’re doing I guess
Are you aiming at a particular beau?
Do you have a target in mind?
Or are you more indiscriminate
Scattergun like or something of the kind
Oh so there is an object of your affections
Is it perhaps someone that I know?
It’s someone I know very well indeed?
I still don’t know the identity of your beau
It’s me? I’m the one you desire?
You want to kiss me beneath the mistletoe?

THE TREE OF EVERGREEN

A top the tree of evergreen
See the star of Christmas sit
While scattered on its boughs
The coloured lights are lit

On the branches baubles hang
Glorious globes of glass delight
Candy canes and little gifts
And silver tinsel twinkling bright

And below the tree of evergreen
Adorned in festive dress
Sits the pile of Christmas gifts
Awaited with eagerness

I WOULD GIVE TO YOU ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I would give to you
On Christmas morning
The gift of love
Contained within my heart
So I could deliver it
And to show good faith
I would wrap it in my soul
Then you would have the best of me
For with no heart and soul
I am but an empty shell
So I would give you that as well
And then you would have all of me

CHRISTMAS IS A GIFT

Christmas is a gift
A gift to the world
Of infinite grace
A special gift
Of redemption for all
Don’t cast it aside

CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

Celebrate Christmas
With Christ, in his house
With his love in your heart
You can’t celebrate him
In a pub, or in gluttony and avarice
At the shopping mall

LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS

I want you with me at Christmas
I want you to be at home
And I know it’s not possible
But I just don’t want to be alone

MISSING YOU

We want you home at Christmas
We want you to spend it with us
But we understand the reason why
And we promise to try not to cry
We will spend Christmas on our own
Until you come marching safely home

THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS

When first you hear
A seasonal refrain
You know its time
To climb the ladder again
Up to the attic
Amongst the dust
To find the box
That is a must.
Where your heart will lift
At its very sight
And when in hand
You’ll grip it tight
Such is its precious nature
A box of magic
Of which its loss
Would be so tragic
For so special are
The boxes contents
Because this box
Contains the ornaments
That will grace the tree
And each trinket and angel
Every bell and bauble
Has a special tale to tell
For every ornament
That hangs upon the tree
Holds its own
Christmas memory

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 4

So we could go Christmas shopping
I kept the kids home from school today
Because if I’d gone on my own
I’d have gotten the wrong sizes, so hey

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1

The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door

CHRISTINGLE MINGLE

It is the season that makes my senses tingle
The time of year when the sleigh bells jingle
And we come together for the Christingle mingle
When the Clauses and the Grinch’s intermingle
And happy clappy’s and traditionalists comingle
As we celebrate the service of Christingle

OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING

Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near, we’re near another Christmas tide

So come ye back to us on Christmas Evening
When all the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa Claus, you know we love you so

HER WASSAIL

She would sing for her supper
And wail for her wassail
To get her turkey dinner
And a pint of Christmas ale

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?

Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

Christmas Poem Selection # 4

ARE YOU WEARING AN ELF OUTFIT?

Are you wearing an elf outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
Pixie boots and a floppy hat
The green tights and all that
If you come to the grotto with me
You can call me Santa and sit on my knee

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 3

I kept Billie home from school
For Christmas shopping
Doing it during school time
When the malls are empty

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 17

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

WHEN CHRISTMAS WEARS ITS TINSELLED GOWN

When Christmas wears its tinselled gown
Joy fills the streets around the town
We must banish those who wear a frown
As we celebrate the King with the holy crown

CHRISTMAS GATEAU

It is time for me to make
My most special Christmas cake
The only thing you need to start
Is the most joyous open heart
Then add by the pound
All the love that can be found
Humble ingredients like
Thankfulness and Gratitude
Lashings of positive attitude
Laced with Christmas cheer
And a cup of Christmas beer
An abundance of good wishes
With lots of hugs and kisses
Not forgetting laughter and fun
Enough to serve everyone
And to complete my Gateau
I garnish with sprigs of mistletoe

BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas Eve so off you go
Start brandishing your mistletoe
March off purposely through the snow
To find yourself a Christmas ho

MISSING EVERYONE

I miss everyone so much, that I fear
I’ll dampen everyone’s Christmas cheer
Then your emailed movie clip appears
And when I’ve wiped away my misty tears
The long miles seem to disappear
And feel more like you are all near
So I put away my lonely fears
Have another glass that cheers
And I’ll see you all on New Years

FILL MY CUP WITH CHEER

Fill my cup with cheer
Dear Lord
But let me be merry
And not drunk
Let me be a companion
And not a burden
Let me be happy
But not foolish
Let me know
When its time to go
And deliver me
Safely to my door

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?

Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present

MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS

My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS

Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"

WALNUTS IN WINTER

Walnuts in winter
Along with filberts, almonds
And fleshy Brazils

YOUNG LOVERS CUDDLE

Young lovers cuddle
Listening to carols sung
While the Yule log burns

SNOWDROPS IN WINTER

Snowdrops in winter
Mother Nature’s heralds
Of the coming spring

Christmas Poem Selection # 3

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 2

Cinnamon
Hot Chocolate
Rum Cakes
Icing
Stollen
Turkey
Mulled wine
Apple cider
Stuffing

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16

Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 2

When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to ballroom dance
Going quick quick slow
Then he dances backwards
And he goes oh oh oh

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332

Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other

IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN

If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking

RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS

Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like

ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a green Christmas outfit?
You look very beautiful in it
In fact you look very cute
In your Santa’s little helper suit
A Christmas hat sits atop your curls
In a way only suited to girls
A beautiful green velvet dress
And white fur trim to impress
Striped woollen legs of green and white
Are they stocking or tights?
Stockings would be in reason
More in keeping with the season
But I would not disparage woolly tights
They too have their own delights
Come and help me trim the tree
And say you dressed this way for me?

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 2

I kept Lily home from school
For Christmas shopping
Because it’s the very best time

To get all the presents on the list
Especially when you believe
That shoplifting isn’t a crime

I JUST OPENED MY PRESENT

My old aunt just popped round
With a Christmas gift for me
It wasn’t what I was expecting
It was a tweedy dye Mankini

“I hope it’s the one you wanted”
I didn’t know what to say really
I couldn’t understand it
I asked for a CD by Mancini

WHEN RUDOLPH ARRIVED

When Rudolph arrived
Cupid was so pleased
It meant the other reindeer
Had someone new to tease

I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS

I am blessed with Friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
But when mixed together
And yuletide is upon us
They become without doubt
The fruit cake of Christmas

A PERFECT GIFT

I just bought my wife a new fridge
I’ve just been online and paid for it
I’m so excited I can’t wait to see
Her face light up when she opens it

CHRISTMAS COMPLIMENT

As I was basting the bird
A thought, to me occurred
It was only at this time of peace
That Turkey and Greece,
As with hot fat you smother,
Compliment each other

Christmas Poem Selection # 2

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15

Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a red Christmas outfit?
You look very beautiful in it
In fact you look very cute
In your Santa’s little helper suit
A Christmas hat sits atop your curls
In a way only suited to girls
A beautiful red velvet dress
And white fur trim to impress
Striped woollen legs of red and white
Are they stocking or tights?
Stockings would be in reason
More in keeping with the season
But I would not disparage woolly tights
They too have their own delights
Come and help me trim the tree
And say you dressed this way for me?

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 1

I kept the kids home from school
For the big Christmas shop
Because during school time
You rush round without a stop

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do

FOR STRESS FREE SHOPPING

For stress free shopping
Follow this golden rule
And get all of it done
While the kids are at school

PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Can I have your picture?”
You ask to establish a premise
“So I can show Santa Claus
What I want for Christmas?”

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 1

When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to tend his garden
With his Hoe Hoe Hoe

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 250

Little Robin Redbreast sat upon a tree
He makes a pretty picture doesn’t he?
Little Robin Redbreast in the winter hard
He makes a pretty picture on a Christmas card

THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS

They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfie’s was the reason cited

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1

Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings

SNOW BLIND

Since the snow began to fall
My wife has done nothing at all
But stare blankly through the window
As the snow lays snow on snow
If it continues in this way
We shall have a white Christmas day
But my wife stares through the glass
As the snow falls thick and fast
Sadly if it gets any worse out side
I'll have to let her come inside

BLESSED DAY

It was the day when Jesus Christ was born
That long, long ago first Christmas Morn,
The child whose coming had been foretold
A child more precious than diamonds or gold
God’s great gift to us on that blessed day
That most glorious first Christmas day

MY GOOSE WAS COOKED

On Christmas morning
Into the kitchen I snook
And as my wife cooked the Goose
I goosed the cook

A TIME OF MIRACLES

The cynics say of miracles
That they are a scarce commodity,
If they happen at all
But to my mind
There is nothing more miraculous
Than the birth of a child
It may be the most common placed
Of miracles
But it is miraculous
Nonetheless

THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST

The pipes of Christmas past
Carry with every merry blast
Seasonal joy, when they play
Their tunes of Christmas day

Christmas Poem Selection # 1

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles

CHRISTMAS ROSE

Christmas rose
The Evergreen beauty
Winter-blooming flowers
Of white or purplish hue
In wide display
Decorate the European
Landscape at Christmas

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 3

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Let’s silence those objections
How would he navigate the globe?
And all its many intersections
When a man is totally incapable
Of ever asking for directions

IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE

It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there

CHRISTMAS ESSENCE

You are my Christmas essence
My yuletide effervescence
You breathe life into me
Oh how you appeal to me
Dressed in your Christmas tights
And the Santa sweater that fits just right
Oh you naughty little Christmas flirt
Wearing your short red Christmas skirt
You are the spirit of my season
You are the rhyme and the reason
But as you spread your Christmas joy
Pleasing every girl and boy
There is something you don’t know
I feel stirrings down below
Because when your sleigh bells jingle
It makes all my senses tingle
Because you so excite me
How I want you to delight me
You are my Christmas dish
You are my every Christmas wish
Every year I make this plea
To let me unwrap you beneath the tree
But again you are not among my presents
But you will remain my Christmas essence

NEW FOR CHRISTMAS

There is to be a new sanitary product
That is set to make cash registers ring
A new tampon in the shops by Christmas
That comes complete with a tinsel string

The retailers are extremely confident
And believe that sales will be myriad
But they have been at pains to stress
They are only meant for the festive period

CHRISTMAS DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE

There will be no wreath on the door
Not a single decoration will be seen
Cards will be recycled unopened
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no gifts beneath the tree
There will be no turkey with all the trimmings
There will be no festive merriment
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no season’s greetings
There will be no Christmas joy
There will be no festive spirit
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

This Christmas day will be like any other day
A day full of abject loneliness
For since my darling joined the angels
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

IN THE BLEAK MID WINTER

I’m not looking for a white Christmas
For my life is already a cold place
Bleak and forbidding
So I have no need of snow
Carpets of white everywhere
Winter fills my every day
My life is perpetual winter
Because you have taken my warmth
You were the heart of me
You sent the blood coursing through me
You were the sun in my sky
Now my life is tundra
And I am just a frozen husk
To numb to exist

CHRISTMAS SUPERSTITION

Is Christmas day on Friday this year?
I think that it is, that’s what I hear
I’m one of those superstitious men
So let's hope it's not the 13th then

THINKING ABOUT CHRISTMAS

I’m sitting here in dread
Memories of you filling my head
Sitting here so totally alone
Afraid of Christmas on my own
It was always you and me
Doing Christmas so merrily
Then you had to go and die
Leaving me with no goodbye
Losing you was such a blow
I know you didn’t choose to go
But I’m the one that’s left
I’m the one lonely and bereft
And for that simple reason
I close the curtains on the season
I will make my Christmas solitary
And not have to try to be merry
And I will avoid the usual jollity
All our friends and their frivolity

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring not even a peasant
But that in itself is not uncommon to see
When you live in a gated community

ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes

THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST BLOW OUT

The pipes of Christmas past blow out
The melodies of yesteryear
With memories to warm the heart
And bring a sentimental tear

A DOG ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS

A dog isn’t just for Christmas
That’s what they say
And they are correct
It’s also nice cold on Boxing Day

TRANSVESTITE CHRISTMAS

Do you think that cross dressers
Find Christmas is merry?
I bet you think they are sad
Well on the contrary
I really love Christmas
As I can eat, drink and be Mary

Christmas Selection Box # 20

CHRISTMAS BUSH

The Christmas bush
Is Australian obviously
And isn’t really a bush at all
It’s in fact a shrub or tree
With red flowers for selection
As Christmas decoration

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 2

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why has this not come up before?
If it were left to a man everything
Would come from the corner store

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CHRISTMAS CONSULTANT

The Christmas Consultant, Owen (David Hasselhoff), is a highly sought-after consultant hired by a workaholic mother Maya Fletcher (Caroline Rhea) to get her and her dysfunctional family through the holidays.
Everybody loves Owen, much to Maya’s annoyance, and he has the perfect solution to each and every problem as it arises but it turns out that his own life isn’t how he paints it.
It isn’t the best example of a Christmas movie but its well worth a watch if for no other reason than to see Maya meltdown at the Christmas Eve party.

IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE

It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 49 A SPACEMAN CAME TRAVELLING

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my forty ninth selection.

“A Spaceman Came Travelling”
Written and Performed by Chris de Burgh

A spaceman came travelling on his ship from afar,
'Twas light years of time since his mission did start,
And over a village he halted his craft,
And it hung in the sky like a star, just like a star...

He followed a light and came down to a shed,
Where a mother and child were lying there on a bed,
A bright light of silver shone round his head,
And he had the face of an angel, and they were afraid...

Then the stranger spoke, he said "Do not fear,
I come from a planet a long way from here,
And I bring a message for mankind to hear,"
And suddenly the sweetest music filled the air...

And it went La La...
Peace and goodwill to all men, and love for the child...

This lovely music went trembling through the ground,
And many were wakened on hearing that sound,
And travellers on the road, the village they found,
By the light of that ship in the sky, which shone all round...

And just before dawn at the paling of the sky,
The stranger returned and said "Now I must fly,
When two thousand years of your time has gone by,
This song will begin once again, to a baby's cry..."

And it went La La ... This song will begin once again
To a baby's cry...
And it goes La La... Peace and goodwill to all men, and
Love for the child...
Oh the whole world is waiting, waiting to hear the song again,
There are thousands standing on the edge of the world,
And a star is moving somewhere, the time is nearly here,
This song will begin once again, to a baby's cry...

MORE NUTS THAN CAN BE CRACKED

We buy more drink than can be drunk
We buy more food than can be eaten
We give more gifts than can be appreciated
But for fun Christmas can’t be beaten

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES’S

It can only be Christmas
When the sane start acting funny
Going nuts for Christmas’s sake
And spending too much money

Even the level-headed slip
And fall at the Christmas season
Swept along with the throng
Losing all sense of reason

Why does it always happen?
Why does madness always descend?
It seems that the less people have
The more they want to spend

So desperate not to miss out
And to have their share of festive cheer
They have a very happy Christmas
And pay the price all the coming year

ARE YOU WEARING RED VELVET?

Are you wearing red velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 39 MARCH OF THE KINGS

March Of The Kings
French traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

Three great kings I met at early morn
With all their retinue were slowly marching
Three great kings I met at early morn
Were on their way to meet the newly born
With gifts of gold brought from far away
And valiant warriors to guard the royal treasure
With gifts of gold brought from far away
Their shields all shining in their bright array
Ce matin, j'ai rencontré le train
De trois grands rois qui allaient en voyage
Ce matin, j'ai rencontré le train
De trois grands rois dessus le grand chemin
Tout chargés d'or les suivaient d'abord
De grands guerriers et les gardes du trésor
Tout chargés d'or les suivaient d'abord
De grands guerriers avec leurs boucliers
For Thy mercy and Thy grace
Constant through another year
Hear our song of thankfulness
Father and Redeemer hear
Dark the future; let Thy light
Guide us, bright and morning star
Fierce our foes and hard the fight
Arm us Savior for the war
In our weakness and distress
Rock of strength be Thou our stay
In the pathless wilderness
Be our true and living way
Keep us faithful; keep us pure
Keep us evermore Thine own
Help, O help us to endure
Fit us for the promised crown

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”

Christmas Selection Box # 19

CHRISTMAS BEGONIA

The Christmas Begonia
The winter-bloomer
Whose large pink flowers
Light up the winter hours

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – BATTLE OF THE BULBS

Bob Wallace (Daniel Stern) goes all out every year on Christmas decorations so that he can have the brightest and most festive house in his neighbourhood.
Then he got a new neighbour Stu Jones (Matt Frewer) who put up an even brighter and more lavish display.
And from that moment on the fight is on when they declare war for the best Christmas decoration display in the neighbourhood.
Mindy Wallace (Allison Hossack) and Mary Jones (Teryl Rothery) are the long suffering wives who get sucked into the madness.

ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?

Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

CHRISTMAS GOOD WILL

I look from my window
Upon a street of cheer
And as I look upon the scene
As Christmas day draws near
I pray that this good will
Could last throughout the year

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 50 PLEASE COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my fiftieth second selection.

“Please Come Home For Christmas”
Written by Charles Brown, Gene Redd
Performed by The Platters

Bells will be ringing the glad, glad news
Oh, what a Christmas to end the blues
My baby's gone, I have no friends
To wish me greetings, ooh, once again

Choirs will be singing Silent Night
Christmas carols by candlelight
Please come home for Christmas
Please come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas, by New Year's night

Friends and relations send salutations
Sure as the stars shine above
This is Christmas, yeah, Christmas my dear
The time of year to be with the one you love

So won't you tell me you'll never more roam
Christmas and New Year’s will find you home
Please come home for Christmas
Please come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas by New Year's night

There'll be no more sorrow no grief and pain
And I'll be happy, happy once again

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 1

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Oh do me a favour please
It’s obviously a man
Why is it so hard to believe?
That’s why everything happens
Late on Christmas Eve

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 38 THE LORD AT FIRST DID ADAM MAKE

The Lord At First Did Adam Make
English West Country traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

The Lord at first did Adam make
Out of the dust and clay,
And in his nostrils breathed life,
E'en as the Scriptures day.
And then in Eden's Paradise
He placed him to dwell,
That he within it should remain
To dress and keep it well.
Chorus.
Now let good Christians all begin
An holy life to live,
And to rejoice and merry be,
For this is Christmas Eve.
And then within the garden he
Commanded was to stay,
And unto him in commandment
These words the Lord did say:
The fruit which in the garden grows
To thee shall be for meet,
Except the tree in the midst thereof,
Of which thou shalt not east. Chorus.
For in the day that thou shalt eat,
Or do it them come nigh;
For if that thou doth eat thereof
Then surely thou shalt die.
But Adam he did take no heed
Unto that only thing,
But did transgress God's holy law,
And so was wrapt in sin. Chorus.
Now mark the goodness of the Lord
Which he for mankind bore,
His mercy soon he did extend,
Lost man for to restore;
And then for to redeem our souls
From death and hellish thrall,
He said his own dear son should be
The Saviour of us all. Chorus.
Which promise now is brought to pass,
Christians, believe it well;
And by the coming of God's dear Son
We are redeemed from thrall.
Then if we truly do believe,
And do the thing aright;
Then by his merits we at last
Shall live in Heaven bright. Chorus.
Now for the blessings we enjoy,
Which are from Heaven above,
Let us renounce all wickedness
And live in perfect love.
Then shall we do Christ's own command,
Ev'n his own written word,
And when we die in Heaven shall
Enjoy our living Lord. Chorus.
And now the tide is nigh at hand,
Int' which our Saviour came;
Let us rejoice, and merry be,
In keeping of the same.
Let's feed the poor and hungry souls,
And such as do it crave;
Then when we die, in Heaven sure,
Our reward we shall have. Chorus.

CHRISTMAS CANDLES
(Sung to the tune of Sixteen Candles)

Christmas Candles, make a lovely light
But not as bright as the light of Christ
(as the light of Christ) (Oh)
Light up the candles, for all the world to view
For every candle says, Happy Christmas to you
(Happy Christmas to you)

FORCED ENTRY

I came home today to a horrible sight
All the doors and windows were smashed in
And inside, everything was gone
They had taken absolutely everything
I felt so violated so degraded
How could something like this occur?
What sort of sick person does that?
To someone's Advent calendar