Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 1

BAD SANTA # 1

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKS?

Are you wearing Christmas knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Christmas knickers
What wonderful Christmas fare

MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED

Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh

SNOWMAN

What a lovely snowman
Big and round and tall
There isn’t anything I like better
Really nothing at all
It’s the first thing I look for
As soon as the snow falls
It’s definitely a snowman
See it has “Snow balls”

THE BIG FELLA’S R & R

After circumnavigating the globe
Staring at the back end of Prancer
Santa Claus really looks forward
To watching a north pole dancer

SANTA CLAUS IS IN TROUBLE

Santa Claus is in trouble
He’s been up to his old tricks again
When the Christmas fairy was found
Licking his candy cane

I EAT EVERYTHING

I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice

SANTA’S HELPER

Santa has helpers at Christmas
To get him through the season
Then he rests pretty much until Easter
He claims fatigue is the reason
And he is unable to fulfil his duties
Satisfying his cute little yelper
So he bought Mrs Claus a new toy
To make his neglected wife purr
It came with plenty of batteries
It’s known as Santa Big helper

THE BIG FELLA’S R & R AGAIN

After circumnavigating the globe
The reins of his sleigh in his hand
The only thought on his mind
Is his wife’s winter wonderland

WANTED: SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

It wasn’t efficiency
Santa wanted from his helper
He preferred them to be
A barker and a yelper
But then the vacancy was for
Santa’s slutty little helper

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 3

I've always loved my Santa
But you might find this shocking
I’ve never loved him more
Than when his hand is on my stocking

I SAW SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT

I saw Santa Claus last night
Messing with a ho ho ho
When he was kissing her
Underneath the camel toe

RUBY THE RED NOSED BIMBO

Ruby the red nosed bimbo
Had a very strawberry nose
And if you ever saw her
You would even say it glows

All of the other bimbos
Used to laugh and call her names.
They never let poor Ruby
Join in any bimbo games.

Then one lonely Christmas Eve
Someone came to play:
Ruby with your nose so bright
Let me grab your tits tonight

Then all the fellas loved her
As they shouted out with glee,
Ruby the red-nosed bimbo
You can now go down on me!

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL?

Are you wearing tinsel?
Draped about your figure
Like a festive feather boa
Just covering your treasure
How seductive you appear
A little package of pleasure
You dance and prance
So full of vim and vigour
Now let me pull the tinsel
Then you can pull my trigger

Christmas Poem Selection # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA HAT?

Are you wearing a Santa hat?
A festive little “tit for tat”
Well it really does suit
In fact you look very cute
Are you wearing it for fun?
Or do you have it set at anyone?
I think it looks very twee
I wish you were wearing it for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

YOU’RE MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my very own Christmas delight.
Please stay with me tonight

REMEMBRANCE SHINES

Remembrance shines most
Bright, like the Christmas candle light,
During the Christmas rite

KEEP THE SPIRIT

Try to keep the spirit
Of Christmas true in your heart
Every day of the year

CHRISTMAS WISHES JUST FOR YOU

Christmas wishes just for you
Sent with love, tried and true
I send you love, I send you cheer,
I just wish we weren’t apart this year

MARIE CHRISTMAS

Marie Christmas
Loved the season
And she loved it
For a special reason

For it was the time
She would see her beau
As he flew his sleigh
Going ho ho ho

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

CHRISTMAS FELICITATIONS

Merry Christmas,
Good will to all men,
The festive season
Is with us once again,

The special holy day
Is growing very near
So Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year

COLD CHRISTMAS

I can’t believe you did it
How typically bold
Dumping me at Christmas
How awfully cold

Still on the bright side
I won’t have to strain and heave
Rushing to find a gift
For you on Christmas Eve

I won’t spend the season
Living like a monk
I’ll be very merry
If not drunk as a skunk

But I can’t believe you did it
It’s a really shitty thing to do
Dumping me at Christmas
How typical of you

It’s probably for the best
So I won’t shed a tear
Have a merry Christmas
And a really shit New Year

CHRISTMAS CARD SELECTION

I bought a bumper selection
Of Christmas cards today
One hundred assorted cards
A real bargain I would say

But not a shepherd or angel
Nor a stable, a star or a king
Not a holy word of praise
No Jesus, no God not a thing

I told my wife of my disgust
She said not to make a fuss
But they had managed to take
Christ out of Christmas

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1

Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season

GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT

Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even

SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG

Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley

Christmas Poem Selection # 8

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA SUIT?

Are you wearing a Santa Suit?
I have to say you do look cute
I wonder if there might just be
A little room in there for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

NEW BABY AT CHRISTMAS

Oh how our hearts melted
When you were born
A gift to us from God
Given on Christmas morn

STALKS AND STEMS

On a bed of haulm
In a stable bare
The son off God
Is laying there

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas
Married Santa Claus
She had some concerns
And decided to take pause
To discuss a pre-nup
Within the current laws
She was not concerned
With any character flaws
She just wanted the security
Of a get out Claus

THEY ARE THE THREE KINGS

There are three things
That Christmas brings
They are the three kings

Trimming and dec-king
Gratefully than-king,
And memory ma-king,

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

I DON’T WANT TO WISH YOU

I don’t want to wish you
A happy holiday
No that I will not say

I’m not going to wish you
A happy yuletide
No that I will not abide

I’m not going to wish you
A happy festive period,
No and the reasons are myriad

I’m not going to wish you
A happy winter festival
No, that isn’t suitable

I’m going to wish to you
A very happy Christmas
So have a very Happy Christmas

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

My Christmas gift to you
Is not wrapped up in coloured paper,
Tied with ribbon and bows
And hidden beneath the tree
It’s visible for all to see
It is written on my face
Like ink on parchment
It spills out from my heart
Like boiling milk from a pan
It emanates from my every pore
And surrounds us all
My Christmas gift to you
Is my never ending love

PS – there are gifts under the tree as well

A CHRISTMAS DREAM

It was just another dream
That I awoke from that morn
It was a very familiar dream
A regular one rather well worn

The theme was the same as usual
The dream was all about you
Just another stupid dream
That will never come true

But it wasn’t exactly the same
It was a variation on a theme
This time it had changed
It was a Christmas dream

But this time it felt so real
Will it ever come true?
This Christmas dream of mine
About spending Christmas with you

CHRISTMAS IS THE PERFECT TIME

Christmas is the perfect time
For the perfect Christmas rhyme
So when the bells of Christmas chime
Have the happiest Christmas time

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table

DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis

I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH

I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas

Christmas Poem Selection # 7

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing it for a reason?
That outfit for the Christmas season
Yes it does come around very soon
But you do realise that it’s only June

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 13

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling

IT’S ALL DOWN TO YOU

It’s all down to you
You are the number one
Thanks for everything
For another job well done
You’re the best of the best
Happy Christmas Mum

WITHOUT SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

Without Santa’s little helper
Christmas would be very hard
I don’t think I could do Christmas
Without my credit card

A WINTER BLUNDERLAND

Door bells ring, are you listening,
In the street, snow is glistening,
Out in the night,
There’s a hideous sight
Your mother in her winter underwear

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?

What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
“Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance”

CHRISTMAS SWEATER

My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell

For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater

I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate

It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it

She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate

She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto

ITS NOT THAT I’M ANTI SOCIAL

I won’t come to the pub
Thank you all the same
Not in celebration
No thanks I will refrain

I will go to church
Thank you all the same
To celebrate the day
That the Lord came

UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

Don’t worry that the little ones
Will be up at the crack of dawn
It is worth it to see the simple joy
In their eyes on Christmas morn

SOMETHING MAGICAL IS HAPPENING

Something magical is happening
Can you feel it?
Something special is on its way
You all love it

Christmas is coming and hearts
Are full to brimming
Because Christmas is abiding love
With all the trimmings

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care

SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC

So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus

AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH

After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasn’t milk and cookies
That made Santa’s taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Claus’s
Freshly made Crisp Cringle

THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD

There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad

Christmas Poem Selection # 6

ARE YOU WEARING ELFISH EARS?

Are you wearing elfish ears?
It’s a very interesting feature
Though more appropriate
On a woodland creature
And not really suitable
For one in your position
You are let me remind you
The leader of the opposition

SAD CHRISTMAS

There is a pain in my chest
Where my heart used to be
There are tears in my eyes
That are blinding me
Let the season pass
Without my participation
Christmas won't be merry
Is my sad anticipation

CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

She likes surprises
And at Christmas even more
So I do what I can
To give her surprises galore

Each year it gets harder
But I do what I can
This year I will tell her
I haven’t always been a man

THE SALVATION ARMY BELLS

The sound of Christmas really tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army bells
Calling out into the dark
Calling out to the heart
Ringing out in the throng
Singing out a heralding song
Give a little, not a lot
Give a little for their lot
They have little, but are not less
Give your coins and let them bless
A tale of generosity tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army’s bells

THE GLAD THE MAD AND THE BAD

Well it’s that time of year again
The time when we feign gladness
When we all get caught up
In the annual collective madness
The time of year when we pretend
The world is not full of badness

THE GIFT OF GIVING

Gift giving
Is in itself a gift
Get it right
And watch spirits lift
Get it wrong
And they’ll be miffed
And undoubtedly
You’ll get short shrift
It isn’t in every one
Not everyone is able
So be warned
As you wrap and label
That a turkey
May not be confined to the table

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Christmas spirit,
No matter what you might think
Doesn’t come in a bottle
It isn’t a drink
It cannot be supped
But can be consumed
But its presence
Cannot be presumed
It must be cherished
Where it is found
Respectfully nurtured
And then spread around

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry

CHRISTMAS FERN

Christmas ferns
Abundant and evergreen
With Pinnate leaves
In lance-shaped fronds
Dense clusters of
Featherlike leaflets
In wide display
Decorate the
Christmas landscape
Of North America

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
LET’S RAISE A GLASS TO MUM # 1

Let’s raise a glass to Mum
And I speak for us all when I say
You have triumphed once again
In your quiet efficient way
You have managed to conjure up
Another perfect Christmas day

ON A STILL CLEAR NIGHT

The shepherds rested in the firelight
When they were woken on a still clear night
By heavens choir hastening them
To go forth unto Bethlehem
The heavenly choir
Sang of Gods desire
To give the world his son
His one and only one
The choir continued to sing
And announced the birth of a king

MERRY, MERRY

The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”

A WINTER WONDERLAND

My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging in your winter underwear

OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER

Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team

Christmas Poem Selection # 5

ARE YOU WEARING A BUNCH OF MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing a bunch of mistletoe?
Well you certainly mean business
Isn’t that overkill? “Less is more” after all
But you know what you’re doing I guess
Are you aiming at a particular beau?
Do you have a target in mind?
Or are you more indiscriminate
Scattergun like or something of the kind
Oh so there is an object of your affections
Is it perhaps someone that I know?
It’s someone I know very well indeed?
I still don’t know the identity of your beau
It’s me? I’m the one you desire?
You want to kiss me beneath the mistletoe?

THE TREE OF EVERGREEN

A top the tree of evergreen
See the star of Christmas sit
While scattered on its boughs
The coloured lights are lit

On the branches baubles hang
Glorious globes of glass delight
Candy canes and little gifts
And silver tinsel twinkling bright

And below the tree of evergreen
Adorned in festive dress
Sits the pile of Christmas gifts
Awaited with eagerness

I WOULD GIVE TO YOU ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I would give to you
On Christmas morning
The gift of love
Contained within my heart
So I could deliver it
And to show good faith
I would wrap it in my soul
Then you would have the best of me
For with no heart and soul
I am but an empty shell
So I would give you that as well
And then you would have all of me

CHRISTMAS IS A GIFT

Christmas is a gift
A gift to the world
Of infinite grace
A special gift
Of redemption for all
Don’t cast it aside

CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

Celebrate Christmas
With Christ, in his house
With his love in your heart
You can’t celebrate him
In a pub, or in gluttony and avarice
At the shopping mall

LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS

I want you with me at Christmas
I want you to be at home
And I know it’s not possible
But I just don’t want to be alone

MISSING YOU

We want you home at Christmas
We want you to spend it with us
But we understand the reason why
And we promise to try not to cry
We will spend Christmas on our own
Until you come marching safely home

THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS

When first you hear
A seasonal refrain
You know its time
To climb the ladder again
Up to the attic
Amongst the dust
To find the box
That is a must.
Where your heart will lift
At its very sight
And when in hand
You’ll grip it tight
Such is its precious nature
A box of magic
Of which its loss
Would be so tragic
For so special are
The boxes contents
Because this box
Contains the ornaments
That will grace the tree
And each trinket and angel
Every bell and bauble
Has a special tale to tell
For every ornament
That hangs upon the tree
Holds its own
Christmas memory

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 4

So we could go Christmas shopping
I kept the kids home from school today
Because if I’d gone on my own
I’d have gotten the wrong sizes, so hey

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1

The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door

CHRISTINGLE MINGLE

It is the season that makes my senses tingle
The time of year when the sleigh bells jingle
And we come together for the Christingle mingle
When the Clauses and the Grinch’s intermingle
And happy clappy’s and traditionalists comingle
As we celebrate the service of Christingle

OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING

Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near, we’re near another Christmas tide

So come ye back to us on Christmas Evening
When all the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa Claus, you know we love you so

HER WASSAIL

She would sing for her supper
And wail for her wassail
To get her turkey dinner
And a pint of Christmas ale

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?

Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

Christmas Poem Selection # 4

ARE YOU WEARING AN ELF OUTFIT?

Are you wearing an elf outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
Pixie boots and a floppy hat
The green tights and all that
If you come to the grotto with me
You can call me Santa and sit on my knee

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 3

I kept Billie home from school
For Christmas shopping
Doing it during school time
When the malls are empty

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 17

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

WHEN CHRISTMAS WEARS ITS TINSELLED GOWN

When Christmas wears its tinselled gown
Joy fills the streets around the town
We must banish those who wear a frown
As we celebrate the King with the holy crown

CHRISTMAS GATEAU

It is time for me to make
My most special Christmas cake
The only thing you need to start
Is the most joyous open heart
Then add by the pound
All the love that can be found
Humble ingredients like
Thankfulness and Gratitude
Lashings of positive attitude
Laced with Christmas cheer
And a cup of Christmas beer
An abundance of good wishes
With lots of hugs and kisses
Not forgetting laughter and fun
Enough to serve everyone
And to complete my Gateau
I garnish with sprigs of mistletoe

BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas Eve so off you go
Start brandishing your mistletoe
March off purposely through the snow
To find yourself a Christmas ho

MISSING EVERYONE

I miss everyone so much, that I fear
I’ll dampen everyone’s Christmas cheer
Then your emailed movie clip appears
And when I’ve wiped away my misty tears
The long miles seem to disappear
And feel more like you are all near
So I put away my lonely fears
Have another glass that cheers
And I’ll see you all on New Years

FILL MY CUP WITH CHEER

Fill my cup with cheer
Dear Lord
But let me be merry
And not drunk
Let me be a companion
And not a burden
Let me be happy
But not foolish
Let me know
When its time to go
And deliver me
Safely to my door

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?

Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present

MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS

My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS

Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"

WALNUTS IN WINTER

Walnuts in winter
Along with filberts, almonds
And fleshy Brazils

YOUNG LOVERS CUDDLE

Young lovers cuddle
Listening to carols sung
While the Yule log burns

SNOWDROPS IN WINTER

Snowdrops in winter
Mother Nature’s heralds
Of the coming spring

Christmas Poem Selection # 3

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 2

Cinnamon
Hot Chocolate
Rum Cakes
Icing
Stollen
Turkey
Mulled wine
Apple cider
Stuffing

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16

Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 2

When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to ballroom dance
Going quick quick slow
Then he dances backwards
And he goes oh oh oh

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332

Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other

IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN

If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking

RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS

Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like

ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a green Christmas outfit?
You look very beautiful in it
In fact you look very cute
In your Santa’s little helper suit
A Christmas hat sits atop your curls
In a way only suited to girls
A beautiful green velvet dress
And white fur trim to impress
Striped woollen legs of green and white
Are they stocking or tights?
Stockings would be in reason
More in keeping with the season
But I would not disparage woolly tights
They too have their own delights
Come and help me trim the tree
And say you dressed this way for me?

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 2

I kept Lily home from school
For Christmas shopping
Because it’s the very best time

To get all the presents on the list
Especially when you believe
That shoplifting isn’t a crime

I JUST OPENED MY PRESENT

My old aunt just popped round
With a Christmas gift for me
It wasn’t what I was expecting
It was a tweedy dye Mankini

“I hope it’s the one you wanted”
I didn’t know what to say really
I couldn’t understand it
I asked for a CD by Mancini

WHEN RUDOLPH ARRIVED

When Rudolph arrived
Cupid was so pleased
It meant the other reindeer
Had someone new to tease

I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS

I am blessed with Friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
But when mixed together
And yuletide is upon us
They become without doubt
The fruit cake of Christmas

A PERFECT GIFT

I just bought my wife a new fridge
I’ve just been online and paid for it
I’m so excited I can’t wait to see
Her face light up when she opens it

CHRISTMAS COMPLIMENT

As I was basting the bird
A thought, to me occurred
It was only at this time of peace
That Turkey and Greece,
As with hot fat you smother,
Compliment each other

Christmas Poem Selection # 2

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15

Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a red Christmas outfit?
You look very beautiful in it
In fact you look very cute
In your Santa’s little helper suit
A Christmas hat sits atop your curls
In a way only suited to girls
A beautiful red velvet dress
And white fur trim to impress
Striped woollen legs of red and white
Are they stocking or tights?
Stockings would be in reason
More in keeping with the season
But I would not disparage woolly tights
They too have their own delights
Come and help me trim the tree
And say you dressed this way for me?

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 1

I kept the kids home from school
For the big Christmas shop
Because during school time
You rush round without a stop

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do

FOR STRESS FREE SHOPPING

For stress free shopping
Follow this golden rule
And get all of it done
While the kids are at school

PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Can I have your picture?”
You ask to establish a premise
“So I can show Santa Claus
What I want for Christmas?”

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 1

When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to tend his garden
With his Hoe Hoe Hoe

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 250

Little Robin Redbreast sat upon a tree
He makes a pretty picture doesn’t he?
Little Robin Redbreast in the winter hard
He makes a pretty picture on a Christmas card

THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS

They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfie’s was the reason cited

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1

Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings

SNOW BLIND

Since the snow began to fall
My wife has done nothing at all
But stare blankly through the window
As the snow lays snow on snow
If it continues in this way
We shall have a white Christmas day
But my wife stares through the glass
As the snow falls thick and fast
Sadly if it gets any worse out side
I'll have to let her come inside

BLESSED DAY

It was the day when Jesus Christ was born
That long, long ago first Christmas Morn,
The child whose coming had been foretold
A child more precious than diamonds or gold
God’s great gift to us on that blessed day
That most glorious first Christmas day

MY GOOSE WAS COOKED

On Christmas morning
Into the kitchen I snook
And as my wife cooked the Goose
I goosed the cook

A TIME OF MIRACLES

The cynics say of miracles
That they are a scarce commodity,
If they happen at all
But to my mind
There is nothing more miraculous
Than the birth of a child
It may be the most common placed
Of miracles
But it is miraculous
Nonetheless

THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST

The pipes of Christmas past
Carry with every merry blast
Seasonal joy, when they play
Their tunes of Christmas day

Christmas Poem Selection # 1

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas earrings?
They’re really quite adorable
Would it be inappropriate to say?
That I really like your baubles

CHRISTMAS ROSE

Christmas rose
The Evergreen beauty
Winter-blooming flowers
Of white or purplish hue
In wide display
Decorate the European
Landscape at Christmas

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 3

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Let’s silence those objections
How would he navigate the globe?
And all its many intersections
When a man is totally incapable
Of ever asking for directions

IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE

It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there

CHRISTMAS ESSENCE

You are my Christmas essence
My yuletide effervescence
You breathe life into me
Oh how you appeal to me
Dressed in your Christmas tights
And the Santa sweater that fits just right
Oh you naughty little Christmas flirt
Wearing your short red Christmas skirt
You are the spirit of my season
You are the rhyme and the reason
But as you spread your Christmas joy
Pleasing every girl and boy
There is something you don’t know
I feel stirrings down below
Because when your sleigh bells jingle
It makes all my senses tingle
Because you so excite me
How I want you to delight me
You are my Christmas dish
You are my every Christmas wish
Every year I make this plea
To let me unwrap you beneath the tree
But again you are not among my presents
But you will remain my Christmas essence

NEW FOR CHRISTMAS

There is to be a new sanitary product
That is set to make cash registers ring
A new tampon in the shops by Christmas
That comes complete with a tinsel string

The retailers are extremely confident
And believe that sales will be myriad
But they have been at pains to stress
They are only meant for the festive period

CHRISTMAS DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE

There will be no wreath on the door
Not a single decoration will be seen
Cards will be recycled unopened
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no gifts beneath the tree
There will be no turkey with all the trimmings
There will be no festive merriment
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no season’s greetings
There will be no Christmas joy
There will be no festive spirit
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

This Christmas day will be like any other day
A day full of abject loneliness
For since my darling joined the angels
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

IN THE BLEAK MID WINTER

I’m not looking for a white Christmas
For my life is already a cold place
Bleak and forbidding
So I have no need of snow
Carpets of white everywhere
Winter fills my every day
My life is perpetual winter
Because you have taken my warmth
You were the heart of me
You sent the blood coursing through me
You were the sun in my sky
Now my life is tundra
And I am just a frozen husk
To numb to exist

CHRISTMAS SUPERSTITION

Is Christmas day on Friday this year?
I think that it is, that’s what I hear
I’m one of those superstitious men
So let's hope it's not the 13th then

THINKING ABOUT CHRISTMAS

I’m sitting here in dread
Memories of you filling my head
Sitting here so totally alone
Afraid of Christmas on my own
It was always you and me
Doing Christmas so merrily
Then you had to go and die
Leaving me with no goodbye
Losing you was such a blow
I know you didn’t choose to go
But I’m the one that’s left
I’m the one lonely and bereft
And for that simple reason
I close the curtains on the season
I will make my Christmas solitary
And not have to try to be merry
And I will avoid the usual jollity
All our friends and their frivolity

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 14

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring not even a peasant
But that in itself is not uncommon to see
When you live in a gated community

ARE YOU WEARING STRIPY STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing stripy stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like candy canes

THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST BLOW OUT

The pipes of Christmas past blow out
The melodies of yesteryear
With memories to warm the heart
And bring a sentimental tear

A DOG ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS

A dog isn’t just for Christmas
That’s what they say
And they are correct
It’s also nice cold on Boxing Day

TRANSVESTITE CHRISTMAS

Do you think that cross dressers
Find Christmas is merry?
I bet you think they are sad
Well on the contrary
I really love Christmas
As I can eat, drink and be Mary

Christmas Selection Box # 20

CHRISTMAS BUSH

The Christmas bush
Is Australian obviously
And isn’t really a bush at all
It’s in fact a shrub or tree
With red flowers for selection
As Christmas decoration

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 2

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why has this not come up before?
If it were left to a man everything
Would come from the corner store

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CHRISTMAS CONSULTANT

The Christmas Consultant, Owen (David Hasselhoff), is a highly sought-after consultant hired by a workaholic mother Maya Fletcher (Caroline Rhea) to get her and her dysfunctional family through the holidays.
Everybody loves Owen, much to Maya’s annoyance, and he has the perfect solution to each and every problem as it arises but it turns out that his own life isn’t how he paints it.
It isn’t the best example of a Christmas movie but its well worth a watch if for no other reason than to see Maya meltdown at the Christmas Eve party.

IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE

It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 49 A SPACEMAN CAME TRAVELLING

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my forty ninth selection.

“A Spaceman Came Travelling”
Written and Performed by Chris de Burgh

A spaceman came travelling on his ship from afar,
'Twas light years of time since his mission did start,
And over a village he halted his craft,
And it hung in the sky like a star, just like a star...

He followed a light and came down to a shed,
Where a mother and child were lying there on a bed,
A bright light of silver shone round his head,
And he had the face of an angel, and they were afraid...

Then the stranger spoke, he said "Do not fear,
I come from a planet a long way from here,
And I bring a message for mankind to hear,"
And suddenly the sweetest music filled the air...

And it went La La...
Peace and goodwill to all men, and love for the child...

This lovely music went trembling through the ground,
And many were wakened on hearing that sound,
And travellers on the road, the village they found,
By the light of that ship in the sky, which shone all round...

And just before dawn at the paling of the sky,
The stranger returned and said "Now I must fly,
When two thousand years of your time has gone by,
This song will begin once again, to a baby's cry..."

And it went La La ... This song will begin once again
To a baby's cry...
And it goes La La... Peace and goodwill to all men, and
Love for the child...
Oh the whole world is waiting, waiting to hear the song again,
There are thousands standing on the edge of the world,
And a star is moving somewhere, the time is nearly here,
This song will begin once again, to a baby's cry...

MORE NUTS THAN CAN BE CRACKED

We buy more drink than can be drunk
We buy more food than can be eaten
We give more gifts than can be appreciated
But for fun Christmas can’t be beaten

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES’S

It can only be Christmas
When the sane start acting funny
Going nuts for Christmas’s sake
And spending too much money

Even the level-headed slip
And fall at the Christmas season
Swept along with the throng
Losing all sense of reason

Why does it always happen?
Why does madness always descend?
It seems that the less people have
The more they want to spend

So desperate not to miss out
And to have their share of festive cheer
They have a very happy Christmas
And pay the price all the coming year

ARE YOU WEARING RED VELVET?

Are you wearing red velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 39 MARCH OF THE KINGS

March Of The Kings
French traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

Three great kings I met at early morn
With all their retinue were slowly marching
Three great kings I met at early morn
Were on their way to meet the newly born
With gifts of gold brought from far away
And valiant warriors to guard the royal treasure
With gifts of gold brought from far away
Their shields all shining in their bright array
Ce matin, j'ai rencontré le train
De trois grands rois qui allaient en voyage
Ce matin, j'ai rencontré le train
De trois grands rois dessus le grand chemin
Tout chargés d'or les suivaient d'abord
De grands guerriers et les gardes du trésor
Tout chargés d'or les suivaient d'abord
De grands guerriers avec leurs boucliers
For Thy mercy and Thy grace
Constant through another year
Hear our song of thankfulness
Father and Redeemer hear
Dark the future; let Thy light
Guide us, bright and morning star
Fierce our foes and hard the fight
Arm us Savior for the war
In our weakness and distress
Rock of strength be Thou our stay
In the pathless wilderness
Be our true and living way
Keep us faithful; keep us pure
Keep us evermore Thine own
Help, O help us to endure
Fit us for the promised crown

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”

Christmas Selection Box # 19

CHRISTMAS BEGONIA

The Christmas Begonia
The winter-bloomer
Whose large pink flowers
Light up the winter hours

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – BATTLE OF THE BULBS

Bob Wallace (Daniel Stern) goes all out every year on Christmas decorations so that he can have the brightest and most festive house in his neighbourhood.
Then he got a new neighbour Stu Jones (Matt Frewer) who put up an even brighter and more lavish display.
And from that moment on the fight is on when they declare war for the best Christmas decoration display in the neighbourhood.
Mindy Wallace (Allison Hossack) and Mary Jones (Teryl Rothery) are the long suffering wives who get sucked into the madness.

ARE YOU WEARING WHITE TINSEL?

Are you wearing white tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

CHRISTMAS GOOD WILL

I look from my window
Upon a street of cheer
And as I look upon the scene
As Christmas day draws near
I pray that this good will
Could last throughout the year

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 50 PLEASE COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my fiftieth second selection.

“Please Come Home For Christmas”
Written by Charles Brown, Gene Redd
Performed by The Platters

Bells will be ringing the glad, glad news
Oh, what a Christmas to end the blues
My baby's gone, I have no friends
To wish me greetings, ooh, once again

Choirs will be singing Silent Night
Christmas carols by candlelight
Please come home for Christmas
Please come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas, by New Year's night

Friends and relations send salutations
Sure as the stars shine above
This is Christmas, yeah, Christmas my dear
The time of year to be with the one you love

So won't you tell me you'll never more roam
Christmas and New Year’s will find you home
Please come home for Christmas
Please come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas by New Year's night

There'll be no more sorrow no grief and pain
And I'll be happy, happy once again

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 1

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Oh do me a favour please
It’s obviously a man
Why is it so hard to believe?
That’s why everything happens
Late on Christmas Eve

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 38 THE LORD AT FIRST DID ADAM MAKE

The Lord At First Did Adam Make
English West Country traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

The Lord at first did Adam make
Out of the dust and clay,
And in his nostrils breathed life,
E'en as the Scriptures day.
And then in Eden's Paradise
He placed him to dwell,
That he within it should remain
To dress and keep it well.
Chorus.
Now let good Christians all begin
An holy life to live,
And to rejoice and merry be,
For this is Christmas Eve.
And then within the garden he
Commanded was to stay,
And unto him in commandment
These words the Lord did say:
The fruit which in the garden grows
To thee shall be for meet,
Except the tree in the midst thereof,
Of which thou shalt not east. Chorus.
For in the day that thou shalt eat,
Or do it them come nigh;
For if that thou doth eat thereof
Then surely thou shalt die.
But Adam he did take no heed
Unto that only thing,
But did transgress God's holy law,
And so was wrapt in sin. Chorus.
Now mark the goodness of the Lord
Which he for mankind bore,
His mercy soon he did extend,
Lost man for to restore;
And then for to redeem our souls
From death and hellish thrall,
He said his own dear son should be
The Saviour of us all. Chorus.
Which promise now is brought to pass,
Christians, believe it well;
And by the coming of God's dear Son
We are redeemed from thrall.
Then if we truly do believe,
And do the thing aright;
Then by his merits we at last
Shall live in Heaven bright. Chorus.
Now for the blessings we enjoy,
Which are from Heaven above,
Let us renounce all wickedness
And live in perfect love.
Then shall we do Christ's own command,
Ev'n his own written word,
And when we die in Heaven shall
Enjoy our living Lord. Chorus.
And now the tide is nigh at hand,
Int' which our Saviour came;
Let us rejoice, and merry be,
In keeping of the same.
Let's feed the poor and hungry souls,
And such as do it crave;
Then when we die, in Heaven sure,
Our reward we shall have. Chorus.

CHRISTMAS CANDLES
(Sung to the tune of Sixteen Candles)

Christmas Candles, make a lovely light
But not as bright as the light of Christ
(as the light of Christ) (Oh)
Light up the candles, for all the world to view
For every candle says, Happy Christmas to you
(Happy Christmas to you)

FORCED ENTRY

I came home today to a horrible sight
All the doors and windows were smashed in
And inside, everything was gone
They had taken absolutely everything
I felt so violated so degraded
How could something like this occur?
What sort of sick person does that?
To someone's Advent calendar

Christmas Selection Box # 18

CHRISTMAS CACTUS

The Christmas cactus
The winter-bloomer
Its jointed flat segments
Look like experiments
Made by a young boy
With a construction set toy
But the rose-purple flowers
Light up the winter hours

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS

After a boy called Justin (Cole and Dylan Sprouse) sees a man in a Santa suit kissing his mother, Stephanie Carver (Connie Sellecca) he thinks that the real Santa Claus wants to replace his father, so he goes on an all-out prank-war with him.
And the poor Santa who bears the brunt of his attacks is Floyd (Sonny Carl Davis).
I think there is something inherently funny in Santa Claus falling on his backside and Floyd does it on a regular basis.
But unknown to Justin the man in the Santa suit kissing his mother was in fact his father David (Corbin Bernsen).
A really fun film.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

The presents look wonderful
Beneath the Christmas tree
The holly and the mistletoe
Are arranged delightfully

The gingerbread men are ready
Cinnamon cookies are fresh baked
The Yule log is ready for cutting
And so is the Christmas cake

Festive cocktails have been mixed
The eggnog will taste sublime
There are traditional winter ales
Or there is always the mulled wine

Then the bells of Christmas ring,
Well the doorbell is ringing
Is that the guest’s arriving?
Or the carollers come singing

Friends and family have arrived
Its time to meet and greet
They have travelled far and near
To see them is such a treat

The mantel dressed with greens
The scent of Christmas fills the air
And all the children rush to see
The stockings hanging there

I love these get-togethers
And when all is said and done
We’re making Christmas memories
So Merry Christmas everyone

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?

Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 51 THE BELLS OF ST MARY’S

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my fifty first second selection.

“The Bells of St. Mary's”
Music written by A. Emmett Adams
Lyrics by Douglas Furber

The Bells of St. Mary's
Ah, hear they are calling
The young loves, the true loves
Who come from the sea

And so my beloved
When red leaves are falling
The love bells shall ring out, ring out
For you and me

The Bells of St. Mary's
Ah, hear they are calling
The young loves, the true loves
Who come from the sea

And so my beloved
When red leaves are falling
The love bells shall ring out, ring out
For you and me

ESSENTIAL INGREDIENT

I have no need of Christmas
I have no need of memories
I have no desire to make plans
To join in with the festivities

Don’t wish me merry Christmas
I have no need of Christmas cheer
For me it won’t be Christmas
Until my darling wife is here

So save your merry Christmas
Don’t send your jollity my way
Keep the Christmas fizz on ice
Until she’s home on Christmas day

This is for all those whose loved ones have to work on Christmas day.

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN VELVET?

Are you wearing green velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 36 I SAW THREE SHIPS (COME SAILING IN)

I Saw Three Ships (Come Sailing In)
English traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

I saw three ships comes sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships comes sailing in
On Christmas Day in the morning

And what was in these ships all three
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day?
And what was in these ships all three
On Christmas Day in the morning?

Our Savior Christ and His Lady
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
Our Savior Christ and His Lady
On Christmas Day in the morning

Pray, wither sailed those ships all three
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
Pray, wither sailed these ships all three
On Christmas Day in the morning

Oh, they sailed into Bethlehem
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
Oh, they sailed into Bethlehem
On Christmas Day in the morning

And all the bells on earth shall ring
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
And all the angels in Heaven shall sing
On Christmas Day in the morning
And all the souls on earth shall sing
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
Let us all rejoice on end
On Christmas Day in the morning

ALPHABET OF CHRISTMAS

A is for
Advent, the countdown to Christmas
B is for the
Bells that ring out in celebration
C is for the
Candle that spreads his light
D is for the
Decorations that dress our homes
E is for the
Extra spring in our collective step
F is for
Felicitations and festivities
G is for the
Gift that God gave too us
H is for the
Happiness of the Christmas season
I is for the
Illumination of the world
J is for
Jesus born into that world
K is for the
King, humbly born in a stable
L is for the
Love of Jesus Christ
M is for the
Magi who followed the star
N is for the
Nativity in Bethlehem
O is for
Old acquaintances re-met
P is for the
Presents beneath the tree
Q is for
Quintessence of the Christmas spirit
R is for the
Rejoicing in Christ’s name
S is for the
Star that adorned the Christmas sky
T is for the
Tinsel that adorns the trees
U is for the
Universal love of Christ
V is for the
Victorious celebration of his birth
W is for the
Wise men from the east
X is for
Xmas, the best time of the year
Y is for the
Yuletide season and its joys
Z is for the
Zest of enthusiastic enjoyment

LITTLE CHILD, LONELY CHILD

Little child,
Lonely child,
Face pressed
Against the glass
Breath blooming,
On the window pain
What do you seek?
Outside in the cold
In that bleak winter scene
Do you listen for sleigh bells?
Out in the snow
Is it the man in red?
You wait alone for
Why do you listen?
So intently at the silence
What was that sound?
Out in the cold
Not sleigh bells
No a car door
Now a figure appears
Who is it?
Not the man in red
Little child,
Lonely child,
Is excited now,
Rushes to the door
Its daddy, its daddy
Home at last

Christmas Selection Box # 17

TOO MERRY CHRISTMAS

I made too merry yesterday
I had a splendid day
In Christmas celebration
I indulged in every way
But now my head is splitting
The morning after the play
So I will nurse my head
For all of Boxing Day

CHRISTMAS HOLLY

Christmas Holly
Evergreen tree
Christmas Holly
Leaves are prickly
Cut fresh Holly
Full of red berries
Help to make
The season merry

THE BEST CHRISTMAS STORIES – THE GIFT OF THE MAGI

The Gift of the Magi is a short story written by O. Henry, about a young married couple and the challenge of secretly buying Christmas gifts for each other on a shoestring budget.
It is an endearing and sentimental tale with a moral message about unselfishness and thoughtfulness.

With virtually no money to spend on gifts Jim sells his watch to buy combs for Della’s lovely hair and Della sells her hair to buy a chain for Jims watch.
So they end up with useless gifts they cannot use but as a result have given each other the most precious gift in the world, their love.

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – LOST HOLIDAY: THE JIM & SUZANNE SHEMWELL STORY

This film is based on a true story about an estranged couple who find themselves lost in the Idaho wilderness after in impromptu snowmobile outing.
It was just before Christmas and when the weather turns they are trapped in a blizzard and the snowfall is so great all the trails are hidden.
Lost and alone Suzanne and Jim Shemwell (Jami Gertz and Dylan Walsh) are forced to confront the reasons why they separated.
Meanwhile their family, when they are not looking for Suzanne and Jim, are looking inward at themselves and re-evaluate their lives and their relationships.

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 37 LOVE CAME DOWN AT CHRISTMAS

Love Came Down at Christmas
Music by Harold Darke
Lyrics by Christina Rossetti

Love came down at Christmas,
Love all lovely, Love Divine,
Love was born at Christmas,
Star and Angels gave the sign.

Worship we the Godhead,
Love Incarnate, Love Divine,
Worship we our Jesus,
But wherewith for sacred sign?

Love shall be our token,
Love shall be yours and love be mine,
Love to God and all men,

Love for plea and gift and sign.

CHRISTMAS NEW BORN

You came into our lives
A fighter and a screamer
Born to us at Christmas
Just like our redeemer

And how we loved you
Right from the very start
But naming you was hard
What name should we impart?

Then like a light coming on
The answer rang like a bell
You were born at Christmas
So we would call you Noelle

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 20

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favourites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my twentieth selection.

Christmas All Over Again
Written and performed by Tom Petty

Well it's Christmas time again, decorations are all hung by the fire
Everybody's singin', all the bells are ringing out
And it's Christmas all over again, yeah again

Long-distance relatives, haven't seen'em in a long, long time
Yeah I kind of missed 'em, I just don't wanna kiss 'em, no
It's Christmas all over again, yeah again

And all over town little kids gonna get down
And Christmas is a rockin' time, put your body next to mine
Underneath the mistletoe we go, we go

Everybodys singin', all the bells are ringin' out
It's Christmas all over again, yeah again

And right down our block little kids start to rock
And Christmas is a rockin' time, put your body next to mine
Underneath the mistletoe we go, we go

Merry Christmas time come and find you happy and there by your fire
I hope you have a good one, I hope momma gets her shoppin' done
And it's a Christmas all over again
Baby it's Christmas all over again
And it's Christmas all over again

Now let's see...I want a new Rickenbacker guitar,

CHRISTMAS INDULGENCE

We spend the day
Eating more than we should
Turkey and trimmings
And rich Christmas pud
Mince pies and cream
Great petite fours
Pretzels and nuts
Wines and liqueurs
Cookies and marzipan
Chocolate Yule log
Rich Christmas cake
And creamy eggnog
Chocolate Orange
Chocolate Brazils
Hot Bombay mix
Twiglets and Pringles
Sweet candied fruits
Sugar coated almonds
Cold turkey sandwich,
Till I’m suitably rotund

Christmas Selection Box # 16

CHRISTMAS BERRY

The Christmas berry
Evergreen and spiny
With flowers of every hue
From white to blue
With abundant berries
Bright red as cherries

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
Beer and liqueur
CD and voucher
Following yonder star

THE BEST CHRISTMAS STORIES – CHRISTMAS NOVELLA # 5

The Haunted Man and the Ghost’s Bargain, A Fancy for Christmas-Time

The Haunted Man and the Ghost’s Bargain, A Fancy for Christmas-Time was written by Charles Dickens.
It’s perhaps more often known as The Haunted Man and the Ghost’s Bargain or even just as The Haunted Man.
It was the fifth and final Christmas novella and was first published in 1848.
It is more a story about the spirit of Christmas than about Christmas itself, in the same style as A Christmas Carol, the first in the series of Christmas books.
But instead of Ebeneezer Scrooge the story centres on a Professor Redlaw and those close to him.
Redlaw, a teacher of chemistry is an embittered man who often broods over wrongs done him and grief from his past life.
He is haunted by a spirit, who takes away all of his grief and sorrows but without them he develops uncontrollable anger and bitterness as he interacts with those from in his sphere.
The moral of the tale is that you have to remember past sorrows and wrongs done to you and forgive those responsible.
The novel concludes with everyone back to normal and Redlaw, like Ebenezer, a changed man.

ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?

Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE CASE FOR CHRISTMAS

This is a variation on the classic “Miracle On 34th Street” which has Santa facing a class-action suit for disappointing children at Christmas.
As a result he hires, widower and single parent, Michael Sherman (Dean Cain) as his lawyer. He chose Michael in order to both defend the lawsuit and to give Santa the chance to bring Michael out of his emotional malaise.
Although it doesn’t in anyway live up to “Miracle On 34th Street” it is still a very enjoyable piece of Christmas entertainment.
Santa is portrayed exceptionally well by George Buza while the love interest Lauren, (Rachel Blanchard) is an absolute delight.
Also the hero’s daughter Lily Sherman (Helen Colliander) gives a particularly mature performance.
All round it is an excellent movie although the Elves are a little annoying.

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 52 BLUE CHRISTMAS

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my fifty second selection.

"Blue Christmas"
Written by Billy Hayes and Jay W. Johnson
Performed by Elvis Presley

I’ll have a blue Christmas without you
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won’t be the same dear, if you're not here with me

And when those blue snowflakes start falling
That's when those blue memories start calling
You’ll be doin all right, with your Christmas of white
But I'll have a blue, blue blue blue Christmas

[Instrumental]

You’ll be doin all right, with your Christmas of white,
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas

CHRISTMAS ARRIVAL

So what should we name you?
On such an auspicious day
It must be a fitting name
And chosen in a respectful way

We couldn’t name you Jesus
That just wouldn’t fit
You couldn’t go thru life
Named Jesus Schmitt
And anyway you’re a girl
So we named you Kit

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 35 CANDLELIGHT CAROL

Candlelight Carol
Music and lyrics written by John Rutter

How do you capture the wind on the water?
How do you count all the stars in the sky?
How do you measure the love of a mother
Or how can you write down a baby's first cry?

Candlelight, angel light, firelight and star-glow
Shine on his cradle till breaking of dawn
Silent night, holy night, all is calm and all is bright
Angels are singing; the Christ child is born

Shepherds and wise men will kneel and adore him
Seraphim round him their vigil will keep
Nations proclaim him their Lord and their Saviour
But Mary will hold him and sing him to sleep

Candlelight, angel light, firelight and star-glow
Shine on his cradle till breaking of dawn
Silent night, holy night, all is calm and all is bright
Angels are singing; the Christ child is born

Find him at Bethlehem laid in a manger
Christ our Redeemer asleep in the hay
Godhead incarnate and hope of salvation
A child with his mother that first Christmas Day

Candlelight, angel light, firelight and star-glow
Shine on his cradle till breaking of dawn
Silent night, holy night, all is calm and all is bright
Angels are singing; the Christ child is born

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”

Christmas Selection Box # 15

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.
(Now I don’t want you to think it was because he was a freak
The simple truth is Rudolph was a really anti social little bastard)

ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

THE BEST CHRISTMAS STORIES – CHRISTMAS NOVELLA # 4

The Battle of Life: A Love Story

The Battle of Life: A Love Story is Christmas novella number four by Charles Dickens, first published in 1846.
It is set in an English village that stands on the site of a historic battle.
Some characters refer to the battle as a metaphor for the struggles of life, hence the title.
Uniquely it is the only one of the five Christmas Books that has no religious of supernatural themes and is ostensibly a love story for two sisters, Grace and Marion.
As is typical with Dickens however the ending is a happy one.

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – WILL YOU MERRY ME?

Despite the silly title it’s actually a very enjoyable film.
It’s about Rebecca Fine (Vikki Krinsky) a Jewish girl. From an upper class Los Angeles family and Henry Kringle (Tommy Lioutas), from a choir-singing, church going, dyed in the wool traditionalist family from the Midwest who are in love.
Not only that they become engaged just before Christmas and as a result the Fine’s agree to delay their vacation in Aspen and meet the Kringle’s the week of Hanukah just before Christmas in Madison, Wisconsin.
Which is when the humour really starts as the two cultures collide and despite both sides good intentions and their trying to respect each other’s' traditions, it turns out to be a bumpy ride.
The film is definitely at its funniest when the main protagonists, Suzie Fine (Wendie Malick) and Marilyn Kringle (Cynthia Stevenson) butt antlers.
Very enjoyable and well worth a watch you will soon forget the silly title.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 12

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the bungalow
not a creature was stirring
In the firelight glow

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 34 I HEARD THE BELLS ON CHRISTMAS DAY

I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day
Music by Johnny Marks
Lyrics written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

CHRISTMAS GREEN

The Christmas green
Festively untypical
It’s just a club moss
With creeping stems
Similar to ferns
With erect branches
It has no scarlet hues
Nor star shaped flowers
It’s quite unremarkably
Just another evergreen

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 19

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favourites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my nineteenth selection.

In Dulci Jubilo
Music by Mike Oldfield, Lyrics by M. Oldfield / W. Murray

Good Christian men, rejoice,
With heart and soul, and voice;
Give ye heed to what we say:
Jesus Christ is born to-day;
Ox and ass before him bow,
And he is in the manger now.
Christ is born to-day!
Christ is born to-day!
Good Christian men, rejoice,

With heart and soul, and voice;
Now ye hear of endless bliss:
Jesus Christ was born for this!
He hath oped the heavenly door,
And man is blessed evermore.
Christ was born for this!
Christ was born for this!
Good Christian men, rejoice,

With heart and soul, and voice;
Now ye need not fear the grave:
Jesus Christ was born to save!
Calls you one and calls you all
To gain his everlasting hall.
Christ was born to save!
Christ was born to save!

WHEN MY LITTLE DOG’S SETTLE DOWN

When my little dog’s settle down
On Christmas Eve amidst the snores
The little doggies dream like a child
And they dream about Santa Paws

Christmas Selection Box # 14

THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS

To some people
They can cause distress
But there is a sentiment
I‘d like to express
Sprouts are for life
Not just for Christmas

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – THE ROCKING CAROL

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, just you stick,
We will lend you man made fabric,
We wont rock you, rock you, rock you,
We wont rock you, as were not qualified

THE BEST CHRISTMAS STORIES – CHRISTMAS NOVELLA # 3

The Cricket on the Hearth. A Fairy Tale of Home
The Cricket on the Hearth. A Fairy Tale of Home was the third of the Christmas novella written by Charles Dickens and published in 1845
The Cricket of the story constantly chirps on the hearth and acts as the Peerybingles family guardian angel.
At the start of the tale a mysterious elderly stranger comes to visit and takes up lodging at Peerybingle's house for a few days.
The villain of the piece is the miser Tackleton who is on the eve of marrying Edward Plummer's sweetheart, May.
Edward having gone off to South America and was believed to be dead leaving May at the mercy of Tackleton who she did not love.
During the course of the story the miser does his best to cause mischief but in the end, the mysterious lodger is revealed to be none other than Edward who has returned home in disguise.
And in the best traditions of dickens all ends well.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 11

Twas the night before Christmas
And all around the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a peasant

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE CHRISTMAS CHOIR

Three weeks before Christmas, workaholic accountant Peter Brockman (Jason Gedrick) is dumped by his fiancée, Jill Crosby (Cindy Sampson), because of his non participation in their lives.
He metaphorically drowns his sorrows, drinking a soda, in a piano bar and gets talking with the lounge's "volunteer" pianist and singer Bob (Tyrone Benskin) who plays for tips.
They discuss their love of music and forgotten dreams of youth.
Bob invited Peter to his home for dinner with his family, but his home turned out to be a homeless shelter run by Sister Agatha (Rhea Perlman) and his family were a group of homeless men.
After being introduced to Bobs “family” a jam session ensued.
His visit to the home served as an epiphany and he suggested they form a choir in order that the men could raise a little extra pocket money for the holidays.
The choir faced many obstacles along the way and there were many ups and downs.
Alongside his work with the choir he also met Marilyn (Marianne Farley) who worked in the subway kiosk and a relationship develops between them and she is also instrumental in reconciling Peter with his alcoholic father Henry Brockman (Michael Sarrazin).
This is a very nice Holiday tale which is based on a true story and is most enjoyable.

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1

Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 33 AWAY IN A MANGER

Away In a Manger
Music written by James R. Murray 1887
Lyrics unknown

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head.
The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay,
The little Lord Jesus asleep in the hay.
The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes,
But little Lord Jesus no crying he makes.
I love Thee, Lord Jesus, look down from the sky
And stay by my side until morning is nigh.
Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever, and love me, I pray.
Bless all the dear children in thy tender care,
And fit us in heaven, to live with Thee there.

ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?

Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 18

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favourites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my Eighteenth selection.

Merry Christmas Everybody
Music & lyrics by Noddy Holder and Jim Lea
Performed by Slade

Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall?
It's the time that every Santa has a ball
Does he ride a red nosed reindeer?
Does a 'ton up' on his sleigh
Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?

Chorus:
So here it is merry Christmas
Everybody's having fun
Look to the future now
It's only just begun
Are you waiting for the family to arrive?
Are you sure you got the room to spare inside?
Does your granny always tell ya that the old songs are the best?
Then she's up and rock 'n' rollin' with the rest

Chorus:
So here it is merry Christmas
Everybody's having fun
Look to the future now
It's only just begun
What will your daddy do
When he sees your Mama kissin' Santa Claus?
Ah ah
Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall?
Are you hoping that the snow will start to fall?
Do you ride on down the hillside in a buggy you have made?
When you land upon your head then you've been slayed

Chorus (3x)
So here it is merry Christmas
Everybody's having fun
Look to the future now
It's only just begun

CHRISTMAS FLOWER

The Christmas flower
Festively untypical
Having poisonous milk
And being tropical
But scarlet petal-like leaves
Make them appear more topical

Christmas Selection Box # 13

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOODWILL TO ALL MEN

“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all men”
Does that irritate you?
I’m not alone then
The men have done nothing,
Remember
Since the final BBQ
Back in September
It’s the mums
Who spend the whole of December
With everything to do
And everything to remember
While they sit
TV remote in hand drinking beer
Where is the mums well deserved
Christmas cheer
Why can’t we sit down?
On our overworked bums
“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all mums”

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY - AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger
No crib for a bed …
The little Lord Jesus
Lay down his sweet head
I don’t think it matters
How gently you sing
Social services don’t care
For this kind of thing

THE BEST CHRISTMAS STORIES – CHRISTMAS NOVELLA # 2

The Chimes: A Goblin Story of Some Bells that Rang an Old Year Out and a New Year In
The Chimes: A Goblin Story of Some Bells that Rang an Old Year Out and a New Year In, by Charles Dickens was published in 1844 and was the second in his series of "Christmas books":
The chimes are the old bells in the church on whose steps the principle character, Trotty Veck, plies his trade.
During the course of the story Trotty loses his faith in man's destiny to improve and as a result the bells call to him in the night and he feels compelled to climb the bell tower.
Once in the bell chamber the spirits of the bells and their goblin attendants reprimand him and tell him that he actually fell to his death on his climb up.
He is then forced to watch a series of visions of his daughter Meg and those closest to him and finds himself helpless to intervene.
The final vision was of his daughter Meg poised to jump into the river whereupon he cries out that he has learned his lesson and finds himself able to touch her and prevent her from jumping.
With the conclusion of that vision Trotty finds himself awakening at home as the bells ring in the New Year as if from a vivid dream.
The book concludes with the customary happy ending.

ON THE EVE OF THE SPECIAL DAY # 2

On the eve of the special day
As the fire burns in the grate
I long for eternal goodwill
And an end to eternal hate

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE MARCH SISTERS AT CHRISTMAS

Having long been a fan of Louisa May Alcott's classic “Little Women”, I approached this modern retelling of the tale with some trepidation.
But the March Sisters at Christmas is a pleasantly surprising adaptation and has been brought to modern times quite sympathetically.
In order to keep the family home from being sold, the four very modern March sisters, Jo (Julie Marie Berman), Meg (Kaitlin Doubleday), Beth (Melissa Farman) and Amy (Molly Kunz) must tackle home improvement on their own while their romantic entanglements involving the boy next door Teddy Lawrence (Justin Bruening), an old flame John Brooke (Charlie Hofheimer) and a new acquaintance Marcus Baer (Mark Famiglietti) become a distraction.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE ONE I LOVE # 2

Though my love for Christ is boundless
On Christmas day I cannot be untrue
For my love for you is over flowing
And he must share my heart with you

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 28 THE FRIENDLY BEASTS

The Friendly Beasts
Old English Christmas Carol writer unknown

Jesus our brother, kind and good
Was humbly born in a stable rude
And the friendly beasts around Him stood
Jesus our brother, kind and good.

"I," said the donkey, shaggy and brown,
"I carried His mother up hill and down;
I carried her safely to Bethlehem town."
"I," said the donkey, shaggy and brown.

"I," said the cow, all white and red
"I gave Him my manger for a bed;
I gave Him my hay to pillow His head."
"I," said the cow, all white and red.

"I," said the sheep with curly horn,
"I gave Him my wool for His blanket warm;
He wore my coat on Christmas morn."
"I," said the sheep with curly horn.

"I," said the dove from the rafters high,
"Cooed Him to sleep that He should not cry;
We cooed Him to sleep, my mate and I."
"I," said the dove from the rafters high.

"I," said the camel, yellow and black,
"Over the desert, upon my back,
I brought Him a gift in the Wise Men's pack."
"I," said the camel, yellow and black.

Thus every beast by some good spell
In the stable dark was glad to tell
Of the gift he gave Emmanuel,
The gift he gave Emmanuel.

LISTEN ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

On Christmas morning
While tree tops still glisten
If you stop opening presents
And take a moment to listen

You will hear a sound
Unmistakable, clear and true
The sound of Love
Will be in the room with you

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 17

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favourites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my seventeenth selection.

“All I Want For Christmas Is You” written by Mariah Carey and performed by The Puppini Sisters

All I Want For Christmas Is You –
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is...
You

DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA

Against my better judgement
I took my young son to the store
And we queued up for an hour
So he could see Santa Claus

The grotto was cheap and nasty
It was a terrible site to behold
I thought the whole thing a rip off
And my son thought he was too old

Santa’s little helper was pregnant
The head Elf was high as a kite
But I thought if we stayed in line
Every thing would turn out alright

Well he climbed onto Santa’s lap
To tell him his Christmas wish
But Santa smelled of whisky
And his trousers smelled of piss

It was about making memories
Well, according to my wife
But instead of a memorable visit
I think we scarred him for life

Christmas Selection Box # 12

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.
- Stuff that cant we get the bus?

THE BEST CHRISTMAS STORIES – CHRISTMAS NOVELLA # 1

A Christmas Carol
A Christmas Carol was the first of the Christmas novellas by Charles Dickens, first published on 19 December 1843.
It’s the oft told story of the sour and miserly Ebenezer Scrooge's route to redemption through the supernatural visits from Jacob Marley and the Ghosts of Christmas’s Past, Present, and Yet to Come.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 191

Christmas is coming,
The stores are getting fat
But no one has put a penny
In this old mans hat;
There’s not a single penny,
Or a ha'penny to be seen,
I hate Christmas shoppers
They’re so bloody mean

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – SANTA BABY

Mary Class (Jenny McCarthy) is a highly successful business executive - who just happens to be the daughter of Santa Claus (George Wendt).
But when her father falls ill, Mary returns to the North Pole and the life she left behind to take over from her Dad and implement her innovative ideas for running Christmas.
While she’s there she is reunited with her high school sweetheart Luke Jessup (Ivan Sergei) and their feelings are rekindled but when she’s put in charge of Christmas and starts implementing her modern idea’s things get out of hand and even threatens Christmas itself.

WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings
Of Orient are
- not part of a meritocracy

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 27 STAR CAROL

Star Carol Written By John Rutter

Sing this night, for a boy is born in Bethlehem,
Christ our Lord in a lowly manger lies;
Bring your gifts, come and worship at his cradle,
Hurry to Bethlehem and see the son of Mary!

See his star shining bright
In the sky this Christmas Night!
Follow me joyfully;
Hurry to Bethlehem and see the son of Mary!

Angels bright, come from heaven’s highest glory,
Bear the news with its message of good cheer:
“Sing, rejoice, for a King is come to save us,
Hurry to Bethlehem and see the son of Mary!”

Let us pay our homage at the manger,
Sing his praise on this joyful Christmas Night;
Christ is come, bringing promises of salvation;
Hurry to Bethlehem and see the son of Mary!

CANDLELIGHT

Across the distant lonely miles
There stands my love
With comrades brave
Who stands beneath a Christmas sky
Singing carols just as I
Familiar carols
And sentiments we share.
Of course it’s Christmas,
That makes me wish you near
And makes me wipe away a tear
I pray to God to keep you safe
To wrap you in his loving light
Now the bells of Christmas fill the air
And I think of my love standing there
Underneath the Christmas sky.
In the church I keep a candle lit
That will burn while we’re apart
And my undying love for him
Will keep burning in my heart

ANOTHER OLD FOLKS CHRISTMAS PARTY

Another old folks Christmas party
Old friends well met, hail and hearty
Thoughts of the past would produce a tear
But a shared memory brought some cheer
And while remembering the good old days
A glass they would all gladly raise

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 16

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my sixteenth selection.

"Mele Kalikimaka (The Hawaiian Christmas Song)"
Written by Robert Alex Anderson Performed by KT Tunstall

Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say
On a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day
That's the island greeting that we send to you
From the land where palm trees sway
Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright
The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night
Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way
To say "Merry Christmas to you."

Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say
On a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day
That's the island greeting that we send to you
From the land where palm trees sway
Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright
The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night
Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way
To say "Merry Christmas to you."

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC)

Candles burn on advent crown,
Holly boughs are cut,
Red ribbon binds the wreath, and
Incense fragrances the air
Spices make the senses tingle
Treats await the patient lip, as
Merriment is close at hand,
Anticipation keenly felt, as the
Special day grows near