Christmas Poem Selection # 16

ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?

Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat

MY VERY WORST CHRISTMAS EVER

My very worst Christmas ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
For hours of innocent ex-box fun

CRIMBLETIDE

I really love Crimbletide
It makes me all warm inside
And the joy I cannot hide
For the season of Crimbletide

TO ALL OF YOU, FROM ALL OF US

I have to say
Without ado
It’s time to say
To all of you
From all of us
Merry Christmas

PERSISTENT AND DISRUPTIVE WINDS

Persistent and disruptive winds,
There seems to be no doubts,
Are predicted after Christmas
And it will probably be the Sprouts

A VEGETARIAN CHRISTMAS

Do you want to celebrate?
A vegetarian Christmas
Then here you are
Have a freshly strained
Vegetable every day
With the advent colander

THE COUNCIL CHRISTMAS TREE

The council Christmas tree is dressed
And the lights were switched on in June
But don’t get yourself unduly distressed
With energy saving lights it’s not too soon
Because you must switch them on remember
So they are warmed up by December

THE WEATHER MAY BE DREARY

The weather may be dreary
My bones maybe weary
I may walk with heavy step
I may be lacking in pep
But when Christmas arrives
My spirit soon revives

IT LIFTS THE HEART AND SOUL

It lifts the heart and soul
Even when doing chores
What the yearlong drains
The festive season restores

THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON

Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe

BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR

Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released

CHRISTMAS IS A SPECIAL TIME

Christmas is a special time
When wishes can come true
But if you find they don’t
You can still make believe
That she is in love with you

SEASONS COME AND GO

Seasons come and go, but
For me the festive season
Is the most special of all
It refreshes and restores
Simply put, it invigorates
And sets me up once again
For the coming year ahead

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 2

My worst Christmas present ever
Was when I got an empty carton
All dog-eared and flattened out
Really tatty and really not fun

When I complained to my dad
And declared it worse than socks
He said I should be more grateful
To receive my very own ex-box

To make things so much worse
My dad thought it was quite nifty
If you then spun the box around
To make an ex-box 360

WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES

When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope

Christmas Poem Selection # 15

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Christmas outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

IT’S NOT EVERYONE’S IDEAL

It’s not everyone’s ideal
Not their cup of tea
Or glass of mulled wine
But it is for me
Christmas is special
A wonderful heartfelt time
When deep felt feelings
Of happiness and joy
Rise to the surface
Like bubbles in champagne

THE WARM GLOW

In the warm glow
Of the log fire blazing
The fresh trimmed tree
Just looks amazing

As we sit together
In the quiet glow
I yearn to say
How much I love you so

The depth of my love
Is truly amazing
And just one coy glance
Sets my passions blazing

So on Christmas Eve
In the quiet glow
I think it’s time
For you to know
Just how much
I love you so

ADIOS FRIEND

My Christmas wish for you,
My friend is a simple one
Have a happy time in the cold
I’m jetting off to the sun

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH

We listen at 3pm on Christmas day
To hear what the Queen has to say
While for those of a Republican bent
An alternative is just a click away

SOAP TRADITION

Christmas is all about traditions
But they evolve across the years
Some fall from favour all together
Then new ones seem to appear

This is certainly the case
Of one of the more recent traditions
To the familiar Christmas fare
The TV soaps festive additions

This is when the tired old plot line
That’s simmered away since June
Suddenly explodes in your face
And not a moment too soon

A QUIET MAGIC DESCENDS

Oh how a quiet magic descends
Upon the streets on Christmas day
As it’s the one day of the year
The shops are closed all day

CHRISTMAS DAY FOR THE POOR

Christmas day for the poor,
Hold very little surprise
For them it’s just another day
In a sparkling disguise

CHRISTMAS IS OUR FAVOURITE CELEBRATION

Christmas is our favourite celebration
In fact it is the most special occasion
A time to express what is in our hearts
The moment the festive season starts
For we have the most heartfelt wish
For those whose love we truly cherish.

IT’S SUCH A MILD CHRISTMAS

It’s such a mild Christmas
All the birds are singing noisily
Normally in December
They’re all frozen to a tree
MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 1

My worst Christmas present ever
I thought I would be lucky to receive
It was big and so full of possibilities
But it really flattered to deceive

Beneath the coloured paper
That hinted at hidden promise
It turned out to be a cardboard box
Containing only emptiness

My mum was watching me intently
And my disappointment hurt her
My cheapskate dad then told me
It was an Action Man deserter

ARE YOU SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER?

Are you Santa’s little helper?
Well you’re a proper little belter
I love the little pixie boots
And the red velvet dress really suits
The Santa hat looks very smart
The stripy stockings stir the heart
And I’d like to see your garters
But give me a kiss for starters

CANDY CANES, CINNAMON AND GINGER

Candy Canes,
Cinnamon and Ginger
Are some of my favourite
Christmas things
Especially when
They’re only wearing
Christmas Stockings
And Popcorn Strings

A SNOWMANS TALE

When I was very little
My dad and his brother
Built a huge snowman
Bigger than any other

He was as tall as Dad
And was round and fat
It had coal for eyes
And a big black hat

A scarf about its neck
For sartorial style
A large carrot nose
And a twig for a smile

Knobbly stick arms
With gloves at the end
A belt around its girth
Like a cummerbund

I loved that snowman
Standing so very tall
Until the eventual thaw
And I watched him fall

MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR

My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away

Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 5

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Christmas Knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars?
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Christmas honey

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Because Daddy
Has just worked
A 14 hour day
And now has to drive
300 miles of Christmas traffic
To spend another bloody Christmas
At Grandma Browns
House of doom
So he is not in the mood
For any of your shit

CHRISTMAS TURKEY

Laid naked on the kitchen table
White flesh from leg to breast
A Christmas bird to be enjoyed
My table was truly blessed

I set about the job in hand
Getting the bird prepared
And by using all my expertise
No effort at all was spared

Having greased the old bird well
The meaty legs spread wide
And I began to stuff the bird
I was really in my stride

When the bird had been well stuffed
It lay resting on the cooker
Smelling of sage and onion
The bird really was a looker

Then I looked up at the kitchen clock
Panic filled me and I began to fret
I shouted to my wife “quick put you pants on”
Ii haven’t prepared the turkey yet

SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

I’ve bought a special gift
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean

CHRISTMAS GOOSE

At Christmas time
I do like a goose
It is my one weakness
And I offer no excuse

Though it does depend
Of course on the bird
To say any different
Would be quite absurd

The quality of goose
That you are executing
Is directly related
To the bird you are goosing

EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS

Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho

SANTA’S R & R

When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave

His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return

In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor

Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”

PARTY CLAUS

What does Santa do after Christmas?
Well if you want to know the truth
He parties hard with Mrs. Claus
Til they melt the snow off the roof

FATHER AND CHRISTMAS

What do a Christmas tree
And a priest have in comparison?
The answer is simple to see
Their balls are just for decoration

EMPTYING SANTA’S SACK

One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high
A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky
He has lost his job and his wife has left him
And the size of his overdraft is quite grim
Finishing his rant to god he shuts his eyes
Then he leaves a note saying his good-byes
He walks up to the edge ready to jump off
He stops when behind him he hears a cough
Father Christmas asks him "are you ok?"
And the man tells him the details of his day
He again walks to the edge of the rooftop
Then Father Christmas shouts, "please stop!"
“It’s Christmas so I’ll give three gifts to you
And I will have a small task for you to do”
Santa Claus says, “let me help you please”
The poor man is in such despair so he agrees
"That would be wonderful thanks,” he said
Father Christmas told him what was ahead
Firstly go home to your wife who is there
Waiting dressed in her sexiest underwear
Longing for you and begging forgiveness
She wants only you and your fond caress
And as for the recent loss of her affection
She will have absolutely no recollection
Secondly go into work after the holiday
Sit at your desk and work the same way
Your salary will have been well increased
Nobody remembers your employment ceased
Thirdly when you check your bank account
And you will be in credit by a large amount
The man is thrilled "oh thank you, thank you!"
Then said, “what is it that you want me to do?"
“Drop your trousers and then bend down”
The man is unsure agrees but wears a frown
Santa Claus gave him a brutal buggering
Leaving the poor man with eyes watering
Afterwards Santa asked, “how old are you?”
The man replied “actually I’m forty two”
“Your too old to believe in me by quite a bit”
Said the fat gay bastard in the Santa outfit

A HAND FOR SANTA

On Christmas Eve
Don’t lay awake in bed
All you naughty girls
Blonde, brunette or red
For instead of presents
You may get a shock instead
You may catch Santa
Dressed in his suit of red
Emptying his sack
At the end of your bed

CHIMNEY NOOK

The next time you complain
At the lack of Christmas nookey
Spare a thought for old St Nick
And have a little sympathy
For he only comes but once a year
And then he’s up a chimney

A CHRISTMAS WISH

On a Christmas Eve at midnight
When I got into bed
I lay upon my pillow
And there beside my head
Was Santa with his trousers off
And this is what he said
Happy Christmas little girl
I’ve unwrapped this gift for you
So take this gift with pleasure
To make your wish come true
Because Santa comes but once a year
And tonight he comes with you

SNOW SHOW

A weather man predicted snow
But he didn’t get it right
So the female anchor on the show
Asked to our delight
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches!
You promised me last night?"

ARE YOU WEARING XMAS TIGHTS?

Are you wearing Xmas tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with a festive motif
What a Christmas this will be

Christmas Poem Selection # 14

ARE YOU WEARING ELFIN EARS?

Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingely dell
With all the woodland creatures
ELF PRINCESS

I will be your elf princess
And I will be forever yours
So put on the red suit
And be my Santa Claus

WHAT WOULD I WISH FOR?

If I had a Christmas wish
What would I wish for?
Well that’s a good question
I’m not really sure
I'd wish for peace in the world
Yes I think that would do
No I’m only kidding
I would wish for you

FLAWLESS

You are fat and round
And your trousers are tight
Your nose is quite red
And your beard is white
Now all of the above
Might be considered flaws
But they’re not to me
As you are my Santa Claus

PANTER CLAUS

We’ll have a quiet night in
So let the festivities begin
I think it really is a thriller
To have you as a stocking filler
Do you think it shocking?
To want you in my stocking
But I’ll fill you with joy
If you’ll be my sex toy
I can be your secret Santa
You can be my sultry panter
A bit of festive rough and tumble
Ok then just a quick fumble
I thought you’d be up for a goose
They all said you were loose
Then you’re not a sure thing?
And you don’t swing?
No please don’t go home yet
I’m the best offer you’ll get
Sod it another quiet night in
Let the celibacies begin

THE FESTIVE INTERVAL

When celebrating
The festive interval
Please refrain from calling it
The winterval

SCROOGE LIKE

They say the perfect Christmas
Is blessed with family and friends
I say the fewer the better
Otherwise the present buying never ends

A SIMPLE GIFT

I’m hoping that this Christmas
I will get what I desire
I’m not that easy to please
I don’t ridiculously aspire

I don’t want the moon and stars
Or diamonds or pearls
Some perfume or cosmetics will do
I’m not one of those greedy girls

I just want something for me
Just a small thing, for me this year
But as always it will be something
For the house from IKEA

SHOPS IN THE HIGH STREET

Shops in the high street
Are full to overflowing
With irate customers
Franticly to-ing and fro-ing

The shopkeeper delights
While prices are rocketing
Happy in the knowledge
Of the profits he’s pocketing

And in his smug contentment
He rubs his hands with glee
“Merry Christmas you mugs
And a prosperous new year, for me”

RUSH AND SCURRY

Hurry, hurry shopping in Surrey
Hurry, hurry, rush and scurry
Worry, worry, fresh snow flurry
Hurry Murray rush and scurry
Let’s get home and have a curry

CHRISTMAS EVE AT THE HOSTELRY

The local hostelries are full
As they approach the brink
And raise their glasses high
For yet another festive drink
The season roundly toasted
Measured by each glasses chink
The next morning’s celebration
Will be a silent one I think

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing it for a reason?
Is it because of the festive season?
You won’t be kissed under the mistletoe
Because you’re wearing it too low

IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE

If you put Candy canes on the tree
And Popcorn on strings
Then let me give the kind of advice
That experience brings
Don’t pack them away after the
Bell of New Year rings
Otherwise next year they will be
Seriously unsavory things

IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE

In the Christmas village
At the North Pole
There is much excitement
Being kept under control
As there is to be an election
For every Elf and Troll
Votes can of course be cast
At the North Poll

WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES

We all played Charades
At the in laws on Boxing Day
My wife’s Uncle Jack
Really went for it I must say
We were really impressed
By his energetic display
It was ten minutes before we knew
His heart had given way

Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 4

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas socks?
Beneath your skirt it’s hard to see
And gives me pause to think
How high they go above the knee

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

All year long I fancied Lucy
But she turned out to be fickle
So I thought I’d drown my sorrows
And have a few festive tipples
But I ended up in a cupboard
With a girl with hairy nipples

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

Amidst the preparations
For the up coming festivities
There has been a lot of demand
On the Church amenities

For those of us involved
In pulling the Christmas peel
Found the time to practise
Was far less than ideal

I found it difficult to fit it in
Around work and family needs
And often practised alone
At a very late hour indeed

One night it all got too much
The final straw I can’t remember
But as a result I decided to tie
The bell rope around my member

I don’t know why it was
That I succumbed to the pressure
But I was discovered
And I was tolled off by the vicar

RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT

Rudolph has been grounded
And severely reprimanded
The cause is his nocturnal activity
During the season of the nativity
Donner has been knocked up
And Vixen is a favourite tup
There are many more names
Who’ve played his reindeer games
He is insatiable, even the boys
Have fallen victim of his joys
Now Santa has had enough
Since he mounted Billy Goat Gruff

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9

Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games

So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again

But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie

MY EVERGREENS

Oh Holly and my Ivy
Of all the girls I’ve known
When they dress in the Santa gear
They really ring my bell

CHRISTMAS SPICE

Christmas time is very nice
But if I might offer some advice
You can add a spot of yuletide spice
If you indulge in a little festive vice

TIED UP WITH TINSEL

Have a little yuletide fun
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel

I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR

I saw a figure
On the stair
Wearing red velvet
Trimmed with fur

It was Santa Claus
In my view
With long white beard
And hat askew

But not a Santa
Of familiar build
And no sack was apparent
Generously filled

I thought the figure
To my surprise
Was rather pleasing
To the eyes

And curiously aroused
At the view
Of Santa
In red stiletto shoes

At that moment
At the top of the stair
The coat fell open
And I do declare

This sight of Santa
Left me aghast
Wearing black stockings
And leather Basque

The white beard
Fell to the floor
And then I understood
What I saw

Santa hadn’t brought me
A gift in a sack
Santa was the present
For me to unwrap

FAIRY ON THE TREE

Fairy, fairy on the tree
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum

HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS

I must definitely make sure
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull

SANTA AND ELFIE

Santa and Elfie
Were caught in the buff
At it in the grotto,
Santa and his bit of stuff
The store manager
Decided to get tough
And sacked them
Saying enough was enough
Now Santa’s not jolly
In fact he’s quite gruff
As Santa’s little helper
Is now up the duff

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS TIGHTS?

Are you wearing Christmas tights?
Adorned with a festive motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with Christmas motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief

Christmas Poem Selection # 13

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Santa outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The boots and beard and hat
And padding to make you look fat
I didn’t believe in Santa anymore
Now I see you and I think phwor

I HATE JANUARY

I hate January
January I do not enjoy
It has no pleasure
It has no joy

Christmas is over
All the money has gone
5 weeks till payday
January is wrong

I love December
December has it all
December is the time
To have a ball

In fact December
Has too much fun
And not enough time
To get it all done

The Festivities
Leave us in a daze
There is too much
For 31 days

So the solution
Is a simple one
I can’t believe
It hasn’t been done

Get rid of January
No one likes it
Have two Decembers
Then everything will fit

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble

AFTER THREE WEEKS OR SO

After three weeks or so
Working in the grotto
It begins to take its toll
On the poor old soul
Sitting on his great chair
Pretending to care
As all the girls and boys
Plead for various toys
Kids of every shape and size
Looking for a prize
Clambering on his knee
Wriggling with glee
Until the poor old chap
Suffers from Santa lap

THE OFFICE PARTY

The office party
Was relief from the slog
When you spent your time
Hitting the nog
And hanging by the mistletoe
Hoping for a snog

I DON’T NEED THE FINEST GIFT

I don’t need the finest gift
I don’t need a Christmas wish
Because I’m already blessed
With a special Christmas dish

AT THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS BINGE

Well at the end of the year
Its managements’ biggest fear
That staff should infringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

After spiking the fruit punch
In the canteen after lunch
Their totally off their hinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The amount of alcohol downed
As many a sorrow was drowned
Made the accountant whinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The extent of the revelling
Was quite frankly bedevilling
Enough for his beard to singe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The things that a little party ho
Did beneath the mistletoe
Would make a puritan cringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

Karen from reception bless her
Botox-ed her face with vodka
With a catering syringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The level of fraternization
Was quite a revelation
And caused a few backs to twinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

You may well be forgiven
After the events which had arisen
That it was the lunatic fringe
At their annual Christmas Binge

Next day when the party was over
Everyone suffered from a hangover
And all took on an earthy tinge
The day after the Christmas binge

MY GIFT IS A SPECIAL LOVE

My gift is a special love
That lasts the whole year through
So if I had a Christmas wish
I would still wish for you

A SPRIG OF MISTLETOE

There hangs a sprig of Mistletoe
The first of the season I’ve seen
Its berries glowing like pearls
Amongst the tiny leaves of green

And below stands sweet Emily
Where hangs the Mistletoe above
Tied with red ribbon to the beam
And I claim a kiss from the girl I love

MY COMFORT AND SUCCOUR

Have a lovely Christmas
My companion and confident
My friend of friends,
My comfort and succour
Have a lovely Christmas
Soother of my soul
You are everything to me
Except my lover
Have a lovely Christmas
Occupant of my heart
My comfort and succour
My secret love

A WASTED WISH

Why would I make a Christmas Wish?
And hope that it would come true,
What on earth could I ever wish for?
That would be a tenth as good as you

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - FROSTY

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Frosty’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The carrot faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Frosty
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS

The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem

NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES

When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree

Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 3

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Christmas hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?

DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA

Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball

Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat

If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation

A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?

IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

It was in the belfry
On Christmas Eve
High in the tower
I tried to retrieve
A poor little kitten
Who was stuck
When suddenly
The bell was struck
I lost my footing
And began to fall
I thought this is
The end of it all
So I had onto grab
Or surely die
My Ding dong
Merrily on high

EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY

Everyone is so happy
Damn them all to hell
But I drank too much last night
And today I feel unwell

The cheerful souls
Can’t abide to see a frown
And want me to turn
My frown upside down

At first I decided
That I would merely scoff
But it didn’t work
So I told them to piss off

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole

ARE YOU WEARING REINDEER ANTLERS?

Are you wearing Reindeer antlers?
Well not the most original twist
You’ve been making rather merry
More Christmas spirit than you could resist
What exactly am I suggesting?
A little too much wine would be the gist
What makes me think that?
Well I’ll tell you if you insist
Apart from the slurred speech
You are walking with a starboard list
And your antlers sit in disarray
So that’s how I know you’re pissed

Christmas Poem Selection # 12

ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?

Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do

NOW THAT IT'S CHRISTMAS # 2

Now that it's Christmas
It makes me kind of glum
To do all the things
I used to do with mum
But when I feel her beside me
Then I don’t feel so glum

IT ISN’T SUPPED WITH ENDLESS BEERS

The magic of Christmas
Isn’t supped with endless beers
Nor is it to be expressed
Within vociferous cheers
The magic of Christmas
As through all the years
Is to be found in the company
Of your nears and dears

IF I GREW A BEARD OF WHITE

If I grew a beard of white
On the off chance that I might
Have a chance to advance my cause
By appearing to you as Santa Claus
And you would have you tell to me
As you sat upon my knee
What it is that you most desire
And to what hopes you most aspire
And if those secrets you told to me
You might find them beneath your tree

WE WENT TO A FAIRY TALE PARTY

We went to a fairy tale party
Which I thought was crappy
I ended up feeling grumpy
While my wife was feeling happy

THE LAST REINDEER

A reindeer walked into a pub,
And ordered a pint of beer.
The barman pulled a pint
And gave it to the reindeer,

The reindeer took the drink
And handed over a ten
He checked his change
Then he checked it again

The barman then said
"You’re the first reindeer
I think I’m right in saying
That we've had in here."

He delivered to the barman
A look, barely disguised
“To be honest at these prices
I'm really not surprised”

CHRISTMAS TRIMMINGS

Christmas planning is essential
Or else the festive ambience suffers
And you will not easily be forgiven
If you forget the stocking stuffer’s

BELLS AND SMELLS

Bells and smells
Bells and smells
Christmas all the way
Oh what fun it is to sing
Of the holy Christmas day

FAIRY TALE STATISTIC

Here’s a Statistic
That’s really crappy
6 out of 7 dwarves
Really aren’t Happy

LITTLE BOXES

Little parcels by the fireside
Little parcels wrapped in pretty paper
Little parcels by the fireside
Little labels all the same

There's a round one and a square one
And a long one and a squishy one,
And they're all wrapped in pretty paper
Little labels all the same

And the people in their houses
All sit beside the Christmas tree
And one un-wraps a pretty parcel
Then the others do the same

So the round one and the square one
And the long one and the squishy one,
That were all wrapped in pretty paper
Christmas presents is the name

GLIDING IN DESCENT

Gliding in descent
On gossamer wings
The angel of the lord
Rejoicing sings
A child is born
The king of kings

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH

Christmas day just after Lunch
My family, being a fun loving bunch
Engage enthusiastically one and all
In parlour games to enthral
At first the alcohol fuelled the fun
And a good time was had by everyone
However as the day wore on
With all self-control long gone
The games degenerate into farce
As an opponent is knocked on his arse
And the afternoon ends in tears
As it has done across the years
And dad makes his annual decree
“Games are forthwith banned” said he

MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR

My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - SANTA

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 2

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas stockings?
Beneath your long red coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Christmas
For a certain horny old goat

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace

So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it

WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO

The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus

THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH

There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows

HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE

He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night

SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN

So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur

RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER

Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farse
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS

The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE

The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho

IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS

When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS CHRISTMAS

If only your left leg was Christmas
And your right leg was New Year’s Day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS THANKSGIVING

If only your left leg was Thanksgiving
And your right leg was Christmas day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays

YOU ARE A NAUGHTY LITTLE ELF

You are a naughty little Elf
Do you behave yourself?
By the look upon your face
You’re no stranger to disgrace
So it is my Christmas wish
To share a Christmas kiss
So climb upon me knee
And you will quickly see
I have that special touch
That you’ll like very much
When I curl your toes
Inside your ho ho hose

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?

Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl

Christmas Poem Selection # 11

ARE YOU WEARING A SPRIG OF MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing a sprig of mistletoe?
Are you hoping to meet a beau?
And kiss him passionately in the snow
An embrace to leave you all aglow
Is that why you wear the mistletoe?

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and simply ask her
“If she would like to meet
Santa's little helper?”

RUDOLF’S LOW SELF ESTEEM

Rudolf suffered
From low self esteem
Due to the red nose
It would seem

It rendered him useless
As a parcel carrier
So Santa made a call
To a reindeer whisperer

NOW THAT IT'S CHRISTMAS # 1

Now that it's Christmas
It makes me kind of sad
To do all the things
I used to do with Dad
But when I feel him beside me
Then I don’t feel so bad

JOY BRINGER, TOY BRINGER

Joy bringer
Toy bringer
He’s the real McCoy
For every girl and boy

NOT A THRIFT GIVER

Not a thrift giver
But a gift giver
Santa will forever
Have love to deliver

THIS IS OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS

This is our first Christmas
As husband and wife
The very first Christmas
Of our married life
This is our first Christmas
Together in our house
The very first Christmas
With my very own spouse

PUT ASIDE YOUR SADNESS

Put aside your sadness
Lose yourself in the madness
That is Christmas,
Come spend it with us
Come and you will see
That with cherished company
The season will be a little brighter
And the weight on your heart a little lighter

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF

Santa and his little Elf
Have been dismissed
For activities undertaken
When they were pissed
That got both of them
Put on the naughty list

HANDLE MUM WITH CARE

Mum gets really stressed out at Christmas
And you upset her if you dare
Because the result could be that you will
Be hung from the chimney with care

CHRISTMAS MANIA

Uncle John has mental health issues
And he doesn’t do well with stress
So normally come Christmas time
He has to board the bi-polar express

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?

Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise

I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

I went out Christmas shopping
But I didn’t get very far
Before I got caught shoplifting
As I stole an advent calendar
The shopkeeper had me arrested
Because of my larcenous ways
And for stealing an advent calendar
I got twenty five days

CRACKERS, FRUITCAKE AND NUTS

Crackers, fruitcake and nuts
They mean Christmas to me
Although to be honest, they
Could also describe my family

WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME

When Santa returned home
To have his tea
His wife was there
Waiting apprehensively
“There was a phone call for you”
Said Mrs. C
“It was a little garbled
And made no sense to me
Something about Saville
And Operation Yew tree”

Christmas Poem Selection # 10

ARE YOU WEARING PLAITS?

Are you wearing plaits?
Seriously though are you
You’re going to wear plaits
To the annual Christmas do

And dressed as a milk maid
Perhaps Scandinavian born
You look like you’re dressed
For 1970s porn

BOXING DAY MORNING

If you wake up and feel like hell,
And if you really feel quite unwell
Then that is the best way for you to tell
That you really did Christmas well

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY

Well I think it has happened
It is my darkest fear
Christmas is getting earlier
Each and every year

When I was at the mall today
I heard Bing Crosby croon
“White Christmas”
And it’s still only June

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

This is the happy season
Of peace and goodwill
And joy to the world
Let good rule over ill
Merry Christmas world
From here to Brazil
Joy to the entire world
For peace is Gods will

CHRISTMAS OVER INDULGENCE

There isn’t any doubt or question
What caused this awful indigestion?
It wasn’t the five course lunch
Or all the sweets we had to munch
It wasn’t the Lager the Stout or the Shandy
It wasn’t the Wine the Scotch or the Brandy
No the culprit with out any doubts
Was the obligatory spoonful of sprouts

BY CAR, BY PLANE, BY TRAIN

They make the journey each year
By car, by plane, by train,
Travelling across the miles
To spend Christmas at home again

I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS

I can’t wait until Christmas
I just want to let you know
You have all my love
This Christmas tied up with a bow

BLESSED IS THE HOLY SEASON

Blessed is the holy season
Jesus Christ is the reason
Let the garlands be unfurled
For a gift of love unto the world

WHEN THE GIFTS HAVE ALL BEEN OPENED

When the gifts have all been opened
And the season starts to wane
When December days have passed by
And a New Year starts again
Let’s pack away the decorations
But let the love and peace remain

THE CROWDS ARE BUSTLING

The crowds are bustling
On the busy Christmas streets
The throng is blustering
In search of Christmas treats
Tills are ringing out their Christmas song
In the markets and the shopping mall
Everyone gets a piece of the action
Street traders, vendors, buskers and all

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
I hear the bell chimes
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The best of all times
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The old and the new
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas to you

ALL ACROSS THIS COUNTRY

All across this country
All across this land
All across the world
His route is carefully planned

To keep ahead of the sun
To miss the no fly zones
Avoid the passenger planes
And steer clear of traffic cones

He must carefully time his mission
To a schedule carefully trialled
To ensure its full success
And not disappoint a single child

ARE YOU WEARING MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing Mistletoe?
I don’t mind kissing you below
Your little sprig of mistletoe
But you’re wearing it quite low

I LOVE THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS

I love the smells of Christmas
Like Cinnamon and Ginger
Roasted chestnuts piping hot

Gluhwein and Pine needles
So I feel sorry for the snowmen
As they can only smell carrot

CHRISTMAS

Christ the lord
Holy birth in Bethlehem
Regal child in David’s city
Infant of God
Sent from heaven above
To die for us
Messiah in a manger
Angelic miracle
Saviour of man

WE HAVE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WINE

We have the same Christmas wine
Every year on Christmas day
“I don't want any Brussels sprouts”
The family all shrilly say

Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 1

BAD SANTA # 1

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKS?

Are you wearing Christmas knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Christmas knickers
What wonderful Christmas fare

MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED

Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh

SNOWMAN

What a lovely snowman
Big and round and tall
There isn’t anything I like better
Really nothing at all
It’s the first thing I look for
As soon as the snow falls
It’s definitely a snowman
See it has “Snow balls”

THE BIG FELLA’S R & R

After circumnavigating the globe
Staring at the back end of Prancer
Santa Claus really looks forward
To watching a north pole dancer

SANTA CLAUS IS IN TROUBLE

Santa Claus is in trouble
He’s been up to his old tricks again
When the Christmas fairy was found
Licking his candy cane

I EAT EVERYTHING

I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice

SANTA’S HELPER

Santa has helpers at Christmas
To get him through the season
Then he rests pretty much until Easter
He claims fatigue is the reason
And he is unable to fulfil his duties
Satisfying his cute little yelper
So he bought Mrs Claus a new toy
To make his neglected wife purr
It came with plenty of batteries
It’s known as Santa Big helper

THE BIG FELLA’S R & R AGAIN

After circumnavigating the globe
The reins of his sleigh in his hand
The only thought on his mind
Is his wife’s winter wonderland

WANTED: SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

It wasn’t efficiency
Santa wanted from his helper
He preferred them to be
A barker and a yelper
But then the vacancy was for
Santa’s slutty little helper

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 3

I've always loved my Santa
But you might find this shocking
I’ve never loved him more
Than when his hand is on my stocking

I SAW SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT

I saw Santa Claus last night
Messing with a ho ho ho
When he was kissing her
Underneath the camel toe

RUBY THE RED NOSED BIMBO

Ruby the red nosed bimbo
Had a very strawberry nose
And if you ever saw her
You would even say it glows

All of the other bimbos
Used to laugh and call her names.
They never let poor Ruby
Join in any bimbo games.

Then one lonely Christmas Eve
Someone came to play:
Ruby with your nose so bright
Let me grab your tits tonight

Then all the fellas loved her
As they shouted out with glee,
Ruby the red-nosed bimbo
You can now go down on me!

ARE YOU WEARING TINSEL?

Are you wearing tinsel?
Draped about your figure
Like a festive feather boa
Just covering your treasure
How seductive you appear
A little package of pleasure
You dance and prance
So full of vim and vigour
Now let me pull the tinsel
Then you can pull my trigger

Christmas Poem Selection # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA HAT?

Are you wearing a Santa hat?
A festive little “tit for tat”
Well it really does suit
In fact you look very cute
Are you wearing it for fun?
Or do you have it set at anyone?
I think it looks very twee
I wish you were wearing it for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

YOU’RE MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my very own Christmas delight.
Please stay with me tonight

REMEMBRANCE SHINES

Remembrance shines most
Bright, like the Christmas candle light,
During the Christmas rite

KEEP THE SPIRIT

Try to keep the spirit
Of Christmas true in your heart
Every day of the year

CHRISTMAS WISHES JUST FOR YOU

Christmas wishes just for you
Sent with love, tried and true
I send you love, I send you cheer,
I just wish we weren’t apart this year

MARIE CHRISTMAS

Marie Christmas
Loved the season
And she loved it
For a special reason

For it was the time
She would see her beau
As he flew his sleigh
Going ho ho ho

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

CHRISTMAS FELICITATIONS

Merry Christmas,
Good will to all men,
The festive season
Is with us once again,

The special holy day
Is growing very near
So Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year

COLD CHRISTMAS

I can’t believe you did it
How typically bold
Dumping me at Christmas
How awfully cold

Still on the bright side
I won’t have to strain and heave
Rushing to find a gift
For you on Christmas Eve

I won’t spend the season
Living like a monk
I’ll be very merry
If not drunk as a skunk

But I can’t believe you did it
It’s a really shitty thing to do
Dumping me at Christmas
How typical of you

It’s probably for the best
So I won’t shed a tear
Have a merry Christmas
And a really shit New Year

CHRISTMAS CARD SELECTION

I bought a bumper selection
Of Christmas cards today
One hundred assorted cards
A real bargain I would say

But not a shepherd or angel
Nor a stable, a star or a king
Not a holy word of praise
No Jesus, no God not a thing

I told my wife of my disgust
She said not to make a fuss
But they had managed to take
Christ out of Christmas

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1

Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season

GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT

Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even

SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG

Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley

Christmas Poem Selection # 8

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA SUIT?

Are you wearing a Santa Suit?
I have to say you do look cute
I wonder if there might just be
A little room in there for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

NEW BABY AT CHRISTMAS

Oh how our hearts melted
When you were born
A gift to us from God
Given on Christmas morn

STALKS AND STEMS

On a bed of haulm
In a stable bare
The son off God
Is laying there

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas
Married Santa Claus
She had some concerns
And decided to take pause
To discuss a pre-nup
Within the current laws
She was not concerned
With any character flaws
She just wanted the security
Of a get out Claus

THEY ARE THE THREE KINGS

There are three things
That Christmas brings
They are the three kings

Trimming and dec-king
Gratefully than-king,
And memory ma-king,

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

I DON’T WANT TO WISH YOU

I don’t want to wish you
A happy holiday
No that I will not say

I’m not going to wish you
A happy yuletide
No that I will not abide

I’m not going to wish you
A happy festive period,
No and the reasons are myriad

I’m not going to wish you
A happy winter festival
No, that isn’t suitable

I’m going to wish to you
A very happy Christmas
So have a very Happy Christmas

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

My Christmas gift to you
Is not wrapped up in coloured paper,
Tied with ribbon and bows
And hidden beneath the tree
It’s visible for all to see
It is written on my face
Like ink on parchment
It spills out from my heart
Like boiling milk from a pan
It emanates from my every pore
And surrounds us all
My Christmas gift to you
Is my never ending love

PS – there are gifts under the tree as well

A CHRISTMAS DREAM

It was just another dream
That I awoke from that morn
It was a very familiar dream
A regular one rather well worn

The theme was the same as usual
The dream was all about you
Just another stupid dream
That will never come true

But it wasn’t exactly the same
It was a variation on a theme
This time it had changed
It was a Christmas dream

But this time it felt so real
Will it ever come true?
This Christmas dream of mine
About spending Christmas with you

CHRISTMAS IS THE PERFECT TIME

Christmas is the perfect time
For the perfect Christmas rhyme
So when the bells of Christmas chime
Have the happiest Christmas time

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table

DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis

I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH

I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas

Christmas Poem Selection # 7

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing it for a reason?
That outfit for the Christmas season
Yes it does come around very soon
But you do realise that it’s only June

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 13

Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling

IT’S ALL DOWN TO YOU

It’s all down to you
You are the number one
Thanks for everything
For another job well done
You’re the best of the best
Happy Christmas Mum

WITHOUT SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

Without Santa’s little helper
Christmas would be very hard
I don’t think I could do Christmas
Without my credit card

A WINTER BLUNDERLAND

Door bells ring, are you listening,
In the street, snow is glistening,
Out in the night,
There’s a hideous sight
Your mother in her winter underwear

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?

What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
“Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance”

CHRISTMAS SWEATER

My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell

For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater

I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate

It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it

She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate

She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto

ITS NOT THAT I’M ANTI SOCIAL

I won’t come to the pub
Thank you all the same
Not in celebration
No thanks I will refrain

I will go to church
Thank you all the same
To celebrate the day
That the Lord came

UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

Don’t worry that the little ones
Will be up at the crack of dawn
It is worth it to see the simple joy
In their eyes on Christmas morn

SOMETHING MAGICAL IS HAPPENING

Something magical is happening
Can you feel it?
Something special is on its way
You all love it

Christmas is coming and hearts
Are full to brimming
Because Christmas is abiding love
With all the trimmings

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care

SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC

So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus

AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH

After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasn’t milk and cookies
That made Santa’s taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Claus’s
Freshly made Crisp Cringle

THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD

There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad

Christmas Poem Selection # 6

ARE YOU WEARING ELFISH EARS?

Are you wearing elfish ears?
It’s a very interesting feature
Though more appropriate
On a woodland creature
And not really suitable
For one in your position
You are let me remind you
The leader of the opposition

SAD CHRISTMAS

There is a pain in my chest
Where my heart used to be
There are tears in my eyes
That are blinding me
Let the season pass
Without my participation
Christmas won't be merry
Is my sad anticipation

CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

She likes surprises
And at Christmas even more
So I do what I can
To give her surprises galore

Each year it gets harder
But I do what I can
This year I will tell her
I haven’t always been a man

THE SALVATION ARMY BELLS

The sound of Christmas really tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army bells
Calling out into the dark
Calling out to the heart
Ringing out in the throng
Singing out a heralding song
Give a little, not a lot
Give a little for their lot
They have little, but are not less
Give your coins and let them bless
A tale of generosity tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army’s bells

THE GLAD THE MAD AND THE BAD

Well it’s that time of year again
The time when we feign gladness
When we all get caught up
In the annual collective madness
The time of year when we pretend
The world is not full of badness

THE GIFT OF GIVING

Gift giving
Is in itself a gift
Get it right
And watch spirits lift
Get it wrong
And they’ll be miffed
And undoubtedly
You’ll get short shrift
It isn’t in every one
Not everyone is able
So be warned
As you wrap and label
That a turkey
May not be confined to the table

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Christmas spirit,
No matter what you might think
Doesn’t come in a bottle
It isn’t a drink
It cannot be supped
But can be consumed
But its presence
Cannot be presumed
It must be cherished
Where it is found
Respectfully nurtured
And then spread around

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 2

The best Christmas actor of all time
Will this one isn’t actually very
But she sounds like she should be
And so the winner is Holly Berry

CHRISTMAS FERN

Christmas ferns
Abundant and evergreen
With Pinnate leaves
In lance-shaped fronds
Dense clusters of
Featherlike leaflets
In wide display
Decorate the
Christmas landscape
Of North America

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
LET’S RAISE A GLASS TO MUM # 1

Let’s raise a glass to Mum
And I speak for us all when I say
You have triumphed once again
In your quiet efficient way
You have managed to conjure up
Another perfect Christmas day

ON A STILL CLEAR NIGHT

The shepherds rested in the firelight
When they were woken on a still clear night
By heavens choir hastening them
To go forth unto Bethlehem
The heavenly choir
Sang of Gods desire
To give the world his son
His one and only one
The choir continued to sing
And announced the birth of a king

MERRY, MERRY

The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”

A WINTER WONDERLAND

My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging in your winter underwear

OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER

Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team

Christmas Poem Selection # 5

ARE YOU WEARING A BUNCH OF MISTLETOE?

Are you wearing a bunch of mistletoe?
Well you certainly mean business
Isn’t that overkill? “Less is more” after all
But you know what you’re doing I guess
Are you aiming at a particular beau?
Do you have a target in mind?
Or are you more indiscriminate
Scattergun like or something of the kind
Oh so there is an object of your affections
Is it perhaps someone that I know?
It’s someone I know very well indeed?
I still don’t know the identity of your beau
It’s me? I’m the one you desire?
You want to kiss me beneath the mistletoe?

THE TREE OF EVERGREEN

A top the tree of evergreen
See the star of Christmas sit
While scattered on its boughs
The coloured lights are lit

On the branches baubles hang
Glorious globes of glass delight
Candy canes and little gifts
And silver tinsel twinkling bright

And below the tree of evergreen
Adorned in festive dress
Sits the pile of Christmas gifts
Awaited with eagerness

I WOULD GIVE TO YOU ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I would give to you
On Christmas morning
The gift of love
Contained within my heart
So I could deliver it
And to show good faith
I would wrap it in my soul
Then you would have the best of me
For with no heart and soul
I am but an empty shell
So I would give you that as well
And then you would have all of me

CHRISTMAS IS A GIFT

Christmas is a gift
A gift to the world
Of infinite grace
A special gift
Of redemption for all
Don’t cast it aside

CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

Celebrate Christmas
With Christ, in his house
With his love in your heart
You can’t celebrate him
In a pub, or in gluttony and avarice
At the shopping mall

LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS

I want you with me at Christmas
I want you to be at home
And I know it’s not possible
But I just don’t want to be alone

MISSING YOU

We want you home at Christmas
We want you to spend it with us
But we understand the reason why
And we promise to try not to cry
We will spend Christmas on our own
Until you come marching safely home

THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS

When first you hear
A seasonal refrain
You know its time
To climb the ladder again
Up to the attic
Amongst the dust
To find the box
That is a must.
Where your heart will lift
At its very sight
And when in hand
You’ll grip it tight
Such is its precious nature
A box of magic
Of which its loss
Would be so tragic
For so special are
The boxes contents
Because this box
Contains the ornaments
That will grace the tree
And each trinket and angel
Every bell and bauble
Has a special tale to tell
For every ornament
That hangs upon the tree
Holds its own
Christmas memory

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 4

So we could go Christmas shopping
I kept the kids home from school today
Because if I’d gone on my own
I’d have gotten the wrong sizes, so hey

THE BEST CHRISTMAS ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 1

The best Christmas actor of all time
Is a character actor so sublime
And there can only be one winner
And that would be Yule Brynner

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
You can’t open a single door

CHRISTINGLE MINGLE

It is the season that makes my senses tingle
The time of year when the sleigh bells jingle
And we come together for the Christingle mingle
When the Clauses and the Grinch’s intermingle
And happy clappy’s and traditionalists comingle
As we celebrate the service of Christingle

OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING

Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near, we’re near another Christmas tide

So come ye back to us on Christmas Evening
When all the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa Claus, you know we love you so

HER WASSAIL

She would sing for her supper
And wail for her wassail
To get her turkey dinner
And a pint of Christmas ale

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TOP?

Are you wearing a Christmas Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

Christmas Poem Selection # 4

ARE YOU WEARING AN ELF OUTFIT?

Are you wearing an elf outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
Pixie boots and a floppy hat
The green tights and all that
If you come to the grotto with me
You can call me Santa and sit on my knee

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 3

I kept Billie home from school
For Christmas shopping
Doing it during school time
When the malls are empty

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 17

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell

JW ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a Jehovah’s Witness
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

WHEN CHRISTMAS WEARS ITS TINSELLED GOWN

When Christmas wears its tinselled gown
Joy fills the streets around the town
We must banish those who wear a frown
As we celebrate the King with the holy crown

CHRISTMAS GATEAU

It is time for me to make
My most special Christmas cake
The only thing you need to start
Is the most joyous open heart
Then add by the pound
All the love that can be found
Humble ingredients like
Thankfulness and Gratitude
Lashings of positive attitude
Laced with Christmas cheer
And a cup of Christmas beer
An abundance of good wishes
With lots of hugs and kisses
Not forgetting laughter and fun
Enough to serve everyone
And to complete my Gateau
I garnish with sprigs of mistletoe

BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas Eve so off you go
Start brandishing your mistletoe
March off purposely through the snow
To find yourself a Christmas ho

MISSING EVERYONE

I miss everyone so much, that I fear
I’ll dampen everyone’s Christmas cheer
Then your emailed movie clip appears
And when I’ve wiped away my misty tears
The long miles seem to disappear
And feel more like you are all near
So I put away my lonely fears
Have another glass that cheers
And I’ll see you all on New Years

FILL MY CUP WITH CHEER

Fill my cup with cheer
Dear Lord
But let me be merry
And not drunk
Let me be a companion
And not a burden
Let me be happy
But not foolish
Let me know
When its time to go
And deliver me
Safely to my door

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS DRESS?

Are you wearing a Christmas Dress?
The big red ribbon is particularly pleasant
I’m itching to pull at that bow
So when do I get to open my present

MY SISTER WAS AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS

My sister was afraid of Santa Claus
The thought of him made her sick
The rest of us all loved him to bits
But she was clearly Claus-trophobic

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA BRINGS

Do you know what Santa brings naughty
Boys and girls so they are not excluded?
It’s not coal anymore so don’t think that
It batteries, labelled "toy not included"

WALNUTS IN WINTER

Walnuts in winter
Along with filberts, almonds
And fleshy Brazils

YOUNG LOVERS CUDDLE

Young lovers cuddle
Listening to carols sung
While the Yule log burns

SNOWDROPS IN WINTER

Snowdrops in winter
Mother Nature’s heralds
Of the coming spring

Christmas Poem Selection # 3

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing Christmas slippers?
They look very cute it must be said
But I think they’d look much cuter
If I was to see them under my bed

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 2

Cinnamon
Hot Chocolate
Rum Cakes
Icing
Stollen
Turkey
Mulled wine
Apple cider
Stuffing

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 16

Twas the night before Christmas and every abode
Was shrouded in silence all down the road
But no house was empty, they were all in their homes
They were hiding from carollers from St Jerome’s

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 2

When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to ballroom dance
Going quick quick slow
Then he dances backwards
And he goes oh oh oh

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 332

Flour of England, fruit of Spain,
Met together in a shower of rain;
Let’s make Christmas pudding again

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

New Year’s resolutions are just
Lies that we tell one another
And are something that go in
One year and out the other

IF YOU’RE A TAKE THAT FAN

If you’re a Take That fan
Then Christmas could be shocking
If you’re expecting to find
An Orange in your stocking

RUDOLPH WAS SO OBNOXIOUS

Rudolph was so obnoxious that the
Other reindeer threatened to strike
He was really very unpopular and they
Thought he was RUDE-olph more like

ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a green Christmas outfit?
You look very beautiful in it
In fact you look very cute
In your Santa’s little helper suit
A Christmas hat sits atop your curls
In a way only suited to girls
A beautiful green velvet dress
And white fur trim to impress
Striped woollen legs of green and white
Are they stocking or tights?
Stockings would be in reason
More in keeping with the season
But I would not disparage woolly tights
They too have their own delights
Come and help me trim the tree
And say you dressed this way for me?

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 2

I kept Lily home from school
For Christmas shopping
Because it’s the very best time

To get all the presents on the list
Especially when you believe
That shoplifting isn’t a crime

I JUST OPENED MY PRESENT

My old aunt just popped round
With a Christmas gift for me
It wasn’t what I was expecting
It was a tweedy dye Mankini

“I hope it’s the one you wanted”
I didn’t know what to say really
I couldn’t understand it
I asked for a CD by Mancini

WHEN RUDOLPH ARRIVED

When Rudolph arrived
Cupid was so pleased
It meant the other reindeer
Had someone new to tease

I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS

I am blessed with Friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
But when mixed together
And yuletide is upon us
They become without doubt
The fruit cake of Christmas

A PERFECT GIFT

I just bought my wife a new fridge
I’ve just been online and paid for it
I’m so excited I can’t wait to see
Her face light up when she opens it

CHRISTMAS COMPLIMENT

As I was basting the bird
A thought, to me occurred
It was only at this time of peace
That Turkey and Greece,
As with hot fat you smother,
Compliment each other

Christmas Poem Selection # 2

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 15

Twas the night before Christmas and thru the bungalow
Not a creature was stirring in the fireside glow
They’d all been evacuated because of the flood
And the living room floor was all covered in mud

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHRISTMAS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a red Christmas outfit?
You look very beautiful in it
In fact you look very cute
In your Santa’s little helper suit
A Christmas hat sits atop your curls
In a way only suited to girls
A beautiful red velvet dress
And white fur trim to impress
Striped woollen legs of red and white
Are they stocking or tights?
Stockings would be in reason
More in keeping with the season
But I would not disparage woolly tights
They too have their own delights
Come and help me trim the tree
And say you dressed this way for me?

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 1

I kept the kids home from school
For the big Christmas shop
Because during school time
You rush round without a stop

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS ANKLE SOCKS?

Are you wearing Christmas ankle socks?
I’ve often pictured them on you
And you don’t need anything else
Just wearing the socks will do

FOR STRESS FREE SHOPPING

For stress free shopping
Follow this golden rule
And get all of it done
While the kids are at school

PICKUP # 6

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Can I have your picture?”
You ask to establish a premise
“So I can show Santa Claus
What I want for Christmas?”

WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 1

When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to tend his garden
With his Hoe Hoe Hoe

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 250

Little Robin Redbreast sat upon a tree
He makes a pretty picture doesn’t he?
Little Robin Redbreast in the winter hard
He makes a pretty picture on a Christmas card

THEY WON’T BE PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS

They won’t be playing musical chairs
In palaces or Royal homes
Prince Charles prefers to play a variant
Called Game of Thrones

A PRESS RELEASE FROM SANTA CLAUS STATED

A press release from Santa Claus stated
That the Poles reputation had been blighted
So Mobile phones were banned, the number
Of indecent Elfie’s was the reason cited

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC) # 1

Crackers
Holly
Ribbons
Ivy
Stars
Tinsel
Mistletoe
Angels
Stockings

SNOW BLIND

Since the snow began to fall
My wife has done nothing at all
But stare blankly through the window
As the snow lays snow on snow
If it continues in this way
We shall have a white Christmas day
But my wife stares through the glass
As the snow falls thick and fast
Sadly if it gets any worse out side
I'll have to let her come inside

BLESSED DAY

It was the day when Jesus Christ was born
That long, long ago first Christmas Morn,
The child whose coming had been foretold
A child more precious than diamonds or gold
God’s great gift to us on that blessed day
That most glorious first Christmas day

MY GOOSE WAS COOKED

On Christmas morning
Into the kitchen I snook
And as my wife cooked the Goose
I goosed the cook

A TIME OF MIRACLES

The cynics say of miracles
That they are a scarce commodity,
If they happen at all
But to my mind
There is nothing more miraculous
Than the birth of a child
It may be the most common placed
Of miracles
But it is miraculous
Nonetheless

THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST

The pipes of Christmas past
Carry with every merry blast
Seasonal joy, when they play
Their tunes of Christmas day