ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS SWEATER?
Are you wearing a Christmas sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
It’s not that I like novelty knitwear
But I can ogle your chest and you won’t care
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 5
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up and say something shocking
“How about I slip down your chimney,
After midnight and fill your stocking”
ARE YOU WEARING BLUE TINSEL?
Are you wearing blue tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Not a festive hue and yet
You have it amidst the curls
So is it a statement or was it
The only colour you could get
A BLONDE GIFT
Bimbette got a new scarf for Christmas
But in the New Year she exchanged it
The store took it back without a quibble
Even though she said it was too tight a fit
DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY
During the Christmas holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast
I AM A MAN OF SIMPLE TASTES
I am a man of simple tastes
But obviously there’s a twist
So all I want for Christmas
Is Santa’s naughty girl list
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU
All I want for Christmas is you
Let me make this perfectly clear
All I want for Christmas is you
To be trampled by a herd of reindeer
EVERYONE KEPT SAYING I SHOULD DECK THE HALLS
Everyone kept saying I should Deck the Halls
There is even a Christmas song about it
So I acted when the opportunity came along
And you know Mr and Mrs Hall didn’t like it a bit
SANTA CLAUS LOVES CHRISTMAS
Santa Claus loves Christmas
It’s his favourite time by far
And that’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are
SANTA ASKED ABIGAIL
Santa asked as a little girl climbed onto his lap,
"And what would you like for Christmas Abigail?"
The child stared at him open mouthed with horror
And then she snapped "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO
The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus
Friday, 17 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 5
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Thursday, 16 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 3
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?
Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?
BAD SANTA # 3
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia
ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?
Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?
BAD SANTA # 3
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia
ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?
Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?
I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM
I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint
DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY
Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly
DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL
Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas
THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed
WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart
Labels:
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Saturday, 11 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 4
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?
Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present
BAD SANTA # 4
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?
Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard
MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED
Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh
I EAT EVERYTHING
I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present
BAD SANTA # 4
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?
I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY
I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang
A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR
A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss
ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?
Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard
MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED
Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh
I EAT EVERYTHING
I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice
NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH
Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutinous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings
Labels:
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Friday, 10 March 2017
Christmas 2016 # 2
AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME
As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work
AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD
At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present
But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas
SHINY RED BAUBLES
Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason
WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF
We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection
INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY
Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer
FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER
For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts
I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS
I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries
WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?
“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”
WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’
JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN
Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.
SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET
Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls
THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY
The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast
DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”
As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work
AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD
At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present
But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas
SHINY RED BAUBLES
Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason
WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF
We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection
INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY
Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer
FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER
For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts
I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS
I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries
WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?
“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”
WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’
JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN
Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.
SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET
Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls
THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY
The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says it’s
Because the Star is in the Yeast
DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”
Labels:
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Evergreens,
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Saturday, 4 March 2017
Christmas 2015 # 2
ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?
Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
BAD SANTA # 2
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney
ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE
The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?
Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red
BAD SANTA # 2
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney
ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?
Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer
SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER
"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"
THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE
The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?
Labels:
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Monday, 27 February 2017
Christmas 2016 # 1
WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?
Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet
I REMEMBER THE TIME
I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause
FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE
Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year
I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES
I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day
CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!
Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!
REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT
Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it
IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY
In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you
CHRISTMAS PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents
FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve
A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE
A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1
That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays
WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS
When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason
I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT
I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow
Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet
I REMEMBER THE TIME
I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause
FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE
Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year
I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES
I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day
CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!
Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!
REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT
Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it
IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY
In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you
CHRISTMAS PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents
FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve
A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE
A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1
That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays
WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS
When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason
I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT
I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow
Labels:
Advent,
Carols,
Christmas,
Christmas Tree,
Evergreens,
Folklore,
Gifts,
Greetings,
Humour,
Nativity,
New Year,
Saint Nicholas,
Santa,
Stockings,
Tradition,
Various,
Xmas
Saturday, 25 February 2017
Christmas 2015 # 1
ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?
Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise
BAD SANTA # 1
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1
Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek
ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?
Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED
The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true
Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise
BAD SANTA # 1
Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list
UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1
You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door
CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”
LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1
Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek
ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?
Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl
WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1
When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh
YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1
You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer
FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY
Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale
THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED
The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true
Labels:
Advent,
Carols,
Christmas,
Christmas Tree,
Evergreens,
Folklore,
Gifts,
Greetings,
Humour,
Nativity,
New Year,
Saint Nicholas,
Santa,
Stockings,
Tradition,
Various,
Xmas
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