Christmas Movie Reviews # 3

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER - SANTA WHO?

Santa Claus (Leslie Nielsen) takes a recreational flight on the sleight one night and ends up accidentally falling out.
As a result of the fall he is left suffering with amnesia, but as he was dressed in his red suit as Santa Claire Dreyer (Robyn Lively) got him a job in a department store grotto while hard bitten newsman Peter Albright (Steven Eckholdt) tries to find out who he is.
But it takes the innocence of a small child, Claire’s son Zack (Max Morrow) to save Santa and Christmas.
Leslie Nielsen is wonderful as the confused Santa in a very entertaining Christmas tale.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER - A PERFECT CHRISTMAS

Holly Maddux (Claire Coffee) is an advertising executive in New York and dreams of the perfect life, the perfect job, and of course, the perfect man to perfectly sweep her off her feet.
Then one day she comes around after a fall in the street to find the "perfect man" standing over her. And the perfect hunky gentleman helped her up and she hit it off with her new beau immediately.
However Holly soon begins to discover that the pressure to be perfect all the time is not at all as great as she expected.
And perfect Bo (Ryan McPartlin) is nothing more than a mannequin who has come to life and it takes time for her to realise that perfection is much closer to hand than she thought in the shape of photographer Milo Ames (Jeff Ward) and the real love that's been waiting for her all along.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER - A CHRISTMAS ROMANCE

Julia Stonecypher (Olivia Newton-John) is a widowed mother with financial woes who lives on her husband’s farm with her children Emily Rose (Stephanie Sawyer) and Deenie (Chloe Lattanzi).
Just before Christmas in the teeth of a snowstorm, Brian Harding (Gregory Harrison) arrives at the farm to serve a foreclosure notice.
Despite her anger towards the man Julia must come to his aid when he crashes his car in the snow and hits his head.
An uncomfortable atmosphere ensue but as it’s a Christmas story there is a happy ending just around the corner.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER - IF YOU BELIEVE

Susan Stone (Ally Walker) is a proper Bah! Humbug! Character.
She is a young but jaded book editor who has lost the passion and drive that defined her and the girl of her childhood has been replaced by one who is consumed with self-doubt in her abilities.
Susan has all but given up on happiness and is on the verge of losing her job and is fast becoming persona non grata with her only remaining family.
Then out of nowhere, a cheerful, carefree, full of life seven-year-old girl named Suzie (Hayden Panettiere), surprises Susan at her apartment.
As the story unfolds it turns out that little Suzie is the embodiment of Susan's inner child.
She is the Susan she once was all those years ago and she was there to help the lost adult Susan rediscover and recapture the love of life that she had once had but somewhere along the line had lost.
But it is a new author Thom Weller (Tom Amandes) who truly redeems the modern-day Ebenezer Scrooge.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A BRIDE FOR CHRISTMAS

Jessie Patterston (Arielle Kebbel) is on her third fiancé and is about to tie the knot, but despite her white gown and a chapel full of guests waiting for her grand entrance, she gets cold feet again and bypasses the altar and goes out of the back door.
No one is happy, especially not her fiancé Mike (Sage Brocklebank) or her sister and business partner Vivian (Kimberly Sustad)
It was the right choice for her though, because she realized it wasn't true love she felt for him so she vowed to concentrate on her job and her volunteer work at an animal shelter.
Meanwhile, Aiden (Andrew K. Walker) is having a card game with three of his male, married friends. As the only bachelor present and seemingly a confirmed one, he takes on a bet from the others.
It involved getting a woman to say "yes" to his proposal of marriage before Christmas Day.
Obviously the first lovely lady that Aiden casts a serious eye on is Jessie while he is at an art gallery.
But Jessie has sworn off serious relationships until she finds the one but the charming albeit chronically single Aiden comes along and from then on they have a connection and become closer and closer despite Mike’s efforts to break them up but obviously love will out.
This is a lovely Christmas movie and is a must see for romcom fans.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A CHRISTMAS KISS

Wendy Walton (Laura Breckenridge) is the best designer in Boston, unfortunately nobody knows it yet.
So in the hope of kick-starting her career, she left work as the set designer with the local theatre to take a job as an assistant to Priscilla Hall (Elisabeth Röhm), the most prestigious designer in the city, she is however also the biggest bitch in the city and works Wendy around the clock.
And it was on one such occasion at Ms Hall’s apartment building that Wendy found herself trapped in an elevator late one night with an incredibly handsome stranger.
Where she and the mystery man share an impulsive, romantic, life-changing kiss before the doors opened and Wendy ran out, leaving him in her wake.
But after the spontaneous kiss, the struggling designer unwittingly ends up falling in love with the boyfriend of her demanding boss Adam Hughes (Brendan Fehr) a wealthy philanthropist.
She discovers his identity when she answers the door to him at her boss’s apartment, he however does not recognize her, which made things even more awkward for her when Priscila assigns her to decorate his house for a big party at Christmas.
And as Christmas approached the two of them spent more and more time together and Wendy realized she was falling in love with him.
Meanwhile her boss was not only expecting him to propose to her she was actively scheming to ensure it happened, so where would that leave Wendy?

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE CHRISTMAS SECRET

Christine Eisley (Bethany Joy Lenz) is a single mom struggling as her life is falling apart.
Her ex-husband Brad (Greyston Holt) won’t pay her child support but is petitioning for custody of the children, Zach (William Ainscough) and Haylie (Jaeda Lily Miller),
On top of which they are being evicted from their home before Christmas and her car is on its last legs.
One day she witnessed an accident and saved a woman’s life by performing CPR and her reward was to lose her job for being late to work.
But when one door closes another opens up and she quickly found another job at Betty’s Bakery, and Betty (Nicola Cavendish) turns out to be a great friend and more.
Fortunately Christine finds a magical family heirloom that leads to love in the form of Jason (John Reardon) and general good fortune during Christmas.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THREE WISE WOMEN

One Christmas a young girl, Ellie (Lauren Coe) witnesses her father having an affair and discovers her boyfriend with another girl on the same night and in her anger and frustration she declares she will never love anybody ever again.
As a result, her guardian angel Tom (Hugh O'Connor) is forced to abandon her.
16 years later the young vivacious Ellie has aged into Liz (Amy Huberman) a successful, thirty-something doctor, driven and cold, who is about to marry a man of similar disposition and doesn't fully realize she is settling for less than she deserves.
Arc Angel Green (John Rhys Davies) reassigns Tom and gives him a second chance as her guardian angel to guide her back to the person she should have become.
Unable to speak to her directly he travels through time and enlists the help of young Ellie and the sad, lonely older woman Beth (Fionnula Flanagan) to steer her in the right direction and to the right man.
It’s a lovely Christmas Tale and just the kind of thing we expect from Hallmark.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER - A DIFFERENT KIND OF CHRISTMAS

It’s the summer and there’s a new Santa in town (Bruce Kirby) and everyone seems to be happy about it with the possible exception of city attorney of Elizabeth Gates (Shelley Long).
But her son Tommy (Nathan Lawrence) is a regular visitor to the street where Santa had turned his home into a kind of year-round Santa Claus castle where children of all ages could come to see the wonderful presents and no child would leave without a gift.
But Elizabeth steps in to make him stop his “commercial' enterprise” in an area zoned for private homes.
Journalist Frank Mallory (Barry Bostwick) is assigned to write a piece about Santa’s philanthropic generosity and the City Attorney’s public action against Santa but he soon discovers she knows more about Santa than she wants to admit.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – MISTLETOE OVER MANHATTAN

Workaholic Santa Claus (Mairtin O’Carrigan) was exhausted and overwhelmed with the demands of modern children and his wife Rebecca (Tedde Moore) sensed her husband was losing his Christmas spirit.
So believing she can help him recapture his bliss Mrs Clause secretly heads to the one place she knows that the spirit of Christmas must still exist, New York City, which was where she first fell in love with her husband Nick.
However New York was a very different place to the one she remembered and she was beginning to have doubts herself until in a crowded diner, Rebecca befriends a caring cop Joe (Greg Bryk), who was worried about her.
He reveals to her that he and his wife Lucy (Tricia Helfer) were in the middle of a divorce. Rebecca sensed that Joe was still very much in love with his wife, and agreed to work temporarily as the family’s nanny until Christmas.
Rebecca’s hope was that by healing Joe and Lucy’s family, she would show Santa that Christmas miracles are still possible and his job was as valuable as ever.

Christmas Poem Selection # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA HAT?

Are you wearing a Santa hat?
A festive little “tit for tat”
Well it really does suit
In fact you look very cute
Are you wearing it for fun?
Or do you have it set at anyone?
I think it looks very twee
I wish you were wearing it for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

YOU’RE MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my very own Christmas delight.
Please stay with me tonight

REMEMBRANCE SHINES

Remembrance shines most
Bright, like the Christmas candle light,
During the Christmas rite

KEEP THE SPIRIT

Try to keep the spirit
Of Christmas true in your heart
Every day of the year

CHRISTMAS WISHES JUST FOR YOU

Christmas wishes just for you
Sent with love, tried and true
I send you love, I send you cheer,
I just wish we weren’t apart this year

MARIE CHRISTMAS

Marie Christmas
Loved the season
And she loved it
For a special reason

For it was the time
She would see her beau
As he flew his sleigh
Going ho ho ho

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

CHRISTMAS FELICITATIONS

Merry Christmas,
Good will to all men,
The festive season
Is with us once again,

The special holy day
Is growing very near
So Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year

COLD CHRISTMAS

I can’t believe you did it
How typically bold
Dumping me at Christmas
How awfully cold

Still on the bright side
I won’t have to strain and heave
Rushing to find a gift
For you on Christmas Eve

I won’t spend the season
Living like a monk
I’ll be very merry
If not drunk as a skunk

But I can’t believe you did it
It’s a really shitty thing to do
Dumping me at Christmas
How typical of you

It’s probably for the best
So I won’t shed a tear
Have a merry Christmas
And a really shit New Year

CHRISTMAS CARD SELECTION

I bought a bumper selection
Of Christmas cards today
One hundred assorted cards
A real bargain I would say

But not a shepherd or angel
Nor a stable, a star or a king
Not a holy word of praise
No Jesus, no God not a thing

I told my wife of my disgust
She said not to make a fuss
But they had managed to take
Christ out of Christmas

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Festive Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
It’s an interesting design you chose
I particularly like Rudolph’s nose

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1

Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season

GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT

Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even

SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG

Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley

Christmas Carols and Songs # 1

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 45 THE SUSSEX CAROL (ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT ALL CHRISTIANS SING)

The Sussex Carol (On Christmas Night All Christians Sing)
English traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

On Christmas night all Christians sing
To hear the news the angels bring
On Christmas night all Christians sing
To hear the news the angels bring
News of great joy, news of great mirth
News of our merciful King's birth
Then why should men on earth be so sad
Since our Redeemer made us glad
Then why should men on earth be so sad
Since our Redeemer made us glad
When from our sin He set us free
All for to gain our liberty
When sin departs before His grace
Then life and health come in its place
When sin departs before His grace
Then life and health come in its place
Angels and men with joy may sing
All for to see the newborn King
All out of darkness we have light
Which made the angels sing this night
All out of darkness we have light
Which made the angels sing this night

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 36 COOL YULE

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my thirty sixth selection.

“Cool Yule”
Written by Steve Allen
Performed by Louis Armstrong

From Coney Island to The Sunset Strip
Somebody's gonna make a happy trip
Tonight, while the moon is bright
He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys
To give the groanies of the girls and boys
So dig, Santa comes on big
He'll come a callin' when the snow's the most
When all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast
And you gonna flip when Old Saint Nick
[Incomprehensible] a lick on the peppermint stick
He'll come a flyin' from a higher place
And fill the stocking by the fireplace
So you'll have a yule that's cool
Yeah, from Coney Island to The Sunset Strip
Somebody's gonna make a happy trip
Tonight, while the moon is bright
He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys
To give the groanies of the girls and boys
So dig, Santa comes on big
Come a callin' when the snow's the most
Cats are sleepin' warm as toast
And you gonna flip when the Old Saint Nick
[Incomprehensible] a lick on the peppermint stick
He'll come a flyin' from the higher place
Fill the stockings by the fireplace
So you'll have a yule that's cool
Have a yule that's cool
Yeah, cool yule

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 40 ROCKING CAROL

Rocking Carol
Czech traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir
We will lend a coat of fur
We will rock you, rock you, rock you
We will rock you, rock you, rock you
See the fur to keep you warm
Snugly round your tiny form.
Mary's little baby, sleep, sweetly sleep
Sleep in comfort, slumber deep
We will rock you, rock you, rock you
We will rock you, rock you, rock you
We will serve you all we can
Darling, darling little man.

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 37 WHEN CHRISTMAS COMES TO TOWN

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my thirty seventh selection.

“When Christmas Comes to Town”
Written by Glen Ballard and Alan Silvestri
Performed by Matthew Hall and Meagan Moore

La La La La La La
La La La La La
La La La La La
I'm wishing on a star
And trying to believe
That even though its far
He'll find me Christmas Eve
I guess that Santa's busy
Cause he never comes around
I think of him
When Christmas comes to town
The best time of the year
When everyone comes home
With all this Christmas cheer
Its hard to be alone
Putting up the Christmas tree
With friends who come around
Its so much fun
When Christmas comes to town
Presents for the children
Wrapped in red and green
All the things Ive heard about
But never really seen
No one will be sleeping on the night of Christmas Eve
Hoping Santas on his way
Presents for the children
Wrapped in red and green
All the things Ive heard about
But never really seen
No one will be sleeping on the night of Christmas Eve
Hoping Santas on his way
When Santas sleigh bells ring
I listen all around
The herald angels sing
I never hear a sound
And all the dreams of children
Once lost will now be found
Thats all I want when Christmas comes to town
Thats all I want when Christmas comes to town

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 41 SANS DAY CAROL

Sans Day Carol
English (Cornish) traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

Now the holly bears a berry as white as the milk,
And Mary bore Jesus, all wrapped up in silk:
And Mary bore Jesus our Saviour for to be,
And the first tree in the greenwood, it was the holly.
Holly! Holly!
And the first tree in the greenwood, it was the holly!
Now the holly bears a berry as green as the grass,
And Mary bore Jesus, who died on the cross:
Now the holly bears a berry as black as the coal,
And Mary bore Jesus, who died for us all:
Now the holly bears a berry, as blood is it red,
Then trust we our Saviour, who rose from the dead:

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 38 HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS (RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE)

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my thirty eighth selection.

“Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane)”
Written by Gene Autry and Oakley Haldeman
Performed by Bing Crosby and The Andrews Sisters

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane,
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
Pullin' on the reins.
Bells are ringin', children singin',
All is merry and bright.
Hang your stockings and say your prayers,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane,
He's got a bag that's filled with toys
For boys and girls again.
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
Oh what a beautiful sight,
Jump in bed, and cover your head,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane,
He'll come around when chimes ring out,
It's Christmas time again.
Peace on earth will come to all,
If we just follow the light,
Let's give thanks to the Lord above
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane,
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
Pullin' on the reins.
Bells are ringin', children singin',
All is merry and bright,
So jump in bed, and cover your head,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Peace on earth will come to all,
If we just follow the light,
So let's give thanks to the Lord above
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight,
Let's give thanks to the Lord above
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 49 THERE IS NO ROSE

"There Is No Rose"
Written by Benjamin Britten

There is no rose of such virtue,
as is the rose that bare Jesu.
There is no rose of such virtue,
as is the rose that bare Jesu.
Alleluia.
There is no rose of such virtue,
as is the rose that bare Jesu.
For in this rose contained
was heaven and earth in little space.
Resmiranda.
(Wondrous thing)
There is no rose of such virtue,
as is the rose that bare Jesu.
For by that rose we may well see
that he is God in persons three.
Pariforma.
(One in form)
There is no rose of such virtue,
as is the rose that bare Jesu.
The angels sungen the shepherds to:
Gloria in excelsis Deo.
(Glory to God in the highest)
Gaudeamus.
(Let us rejoice)
There is no rose of such virtue,
as is the rose that bare Jesu.
Leave all this worldly mirth
and follow we this joyful birth.
Transeamus.
(Let us cross over)
There is no rose of such virtue,
as is the rose that bare Jesu.

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 39 FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my thirty ninth selection.

“Frosty the Snowman”
Written by Steve Nelson and Jack Rollins
Performed by Perry Como

Frosty the Snowman, was a jolly happy soul,
With a corn cob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made of coal.

Frosty the Snowman, is a fairytale, they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know he came to life one day.

There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found,

For when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around!

Oh, Frosty, the Snowman, was alive as he could be;
and the children say he could laugh and play,
just the same as you and me.

Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
look at Frosty go.

Thumpety thump, thump, thumpety thump, thump,
over the hills of snow.

Frosty the Snowman, knew the sun was hot that day,
so he said, "Let's run, and we'll have some fun now, before I melt away."

Down to the village, with a broomstick in his hand,
Running here and there, all around the square,
sayin', "Catch me if you can."

He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop;

and only paused a moment, when he heard him holler, "Stop!"

For Frosty, the Snowman, had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye, sayin' "Don't cry, I'll be back again some day."

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 51 A VIRGIN UNSPOTTED (A VIRGIN MOST PURE)

"A Virgin Unspotted" ("A Virgin Most Pure")
English Traditional

A virgin unspotted, the prophet foretold,
Should bring forth a Savior, which now we behold,
To be our Redeemer from death, hell, and sin,
Which Adam’s transgression had wrappèd us in.
Aye and therefore be merry, set sorrow aside,
Christ Jesus our Savior was born on this tide.
At Bethlehem city in Jewry it was
That Joseph and Mary together did pass,
All for to be taxèd with many one moe [sic],
Great Caesar commanded the same should be so.
Refrain
But when they had entered the city so fair,
A number of people so mighty was there,
That Joseph and Mary, whose substance was small,
Could find in the inn there no lodging at all.
Refrain
Then were they constrained in a stable to lie,
Where horses and asses they used for to tie;
Their lodging so simple they took it no scorn,
But against the next morning our Savior was born.
Refrain
The King of all kings to this world being brought,
Small store of fine linen to wrap Him was sought,
But when she had swaddled her young Son so sweet,
Within an ox manger she laid Him to sleep.
Refrain
Then God sent an angel from Heaven so high,
To certain poor shepherds in fields where they lie,
And bade them no longer in sorrow to stay,
Because that our Savior was born on this day.
Refrain
Then presently after the shepherds did spy
Vast numbers of angels to stand in the sky;
They joyfully talkèd and sweetly did sing,
To God be all glory, our heavenly King.
Refrain
To teach us humility all this was done,
And learn we from thence haughty pride for to shun:
A manger His cradle who came from above,
The great God of mercy, of peace and of love.
Refrain

Christmas Poem Selection # 8

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA SUIT?

Are you wearing a Santa Suit?
I have to say you do look cute
I wonder if there might just be
A little room in there for me

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

NEW BABY AT CHRISTMAS

Oh how our hearts melted
When you were born
A gift to us from God
Given on Christmas morn

STALKS AND STEMS

On a bed of haulm
In a stable bare
The son off God
Is laying there

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas
Married Santa Claus
She had some concerns
And decided to take pause
To discuss a pre-nup
Within the current laws
She was not concerned
With any character flaws
She just wanted the security
Of a get out Claus

THEY ARE THE THREE KINGS

There are three things
That Christmas brings
They are the three kings

Trimming and dec-king
Gratefully than-king,
And memory ma-king,

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

I DON’T WANT TO WISH YOU

I don’t want to wish you
A happy holiday
No that I will not say

I’m not going to wish you
A happy yuletide
No that I will not abide

I’m not going to wish you
A happy festive period,
No and the reasons are myriad

I’m not going to wish you
A happy winter festival
No, that isn’t suitable

I’m going to wish to you
A very happy Christmas
So have a very Happy Christmas

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

My Christmas gift to you
Is not wrapped up in coloured paper,
Tied with ribbon and bows
And hidden beneath the tree
It’s visible for all to see
It is written on my face
Like ink on parchment
It spills out from my heart
Like boiling milk from a pan
It emanates from my every pore
And surrounds us all
My Christmas gift to you
Is my never ending love

PS – there are gifts under the tree as well

A CHRISTMAS DREAM

It was just another dream
That I awoke from that morn
It was a very familiar dream
A regular one rather well worn

The theme was the same as usual
The dream was all about you
Just another stupid dream
That will never come true

But it wasn’t exactly the same
It was a variation on a theme
This time it had changed
It was a Christmas dream

But this time it felt so real
Will it ever come true?
This Christmas dream of mine
About spending Christmas with you

CHRISTMAS IS THE PERFECT TIME

Christmas is the perfect time
For the perfect Christmas rhyme
So when the bells of Christmas chime
Have the happiest Christmas time

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Christmas Jumper?
Well its contents look rather bumper
The flashing lights I should mention
Are not needed to attract my attention

WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table

DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis

I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH

I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas

I Think I Kissed a Ladyboy One Christmas

I Think I Kissed a Ladyboy One Christmas (Part One)

It was Christmas 1975 and we had just returned to work after having had our Christmas lunch at the pub.
Although in truth calling it Christmas lunch was perhaps a bit of a stretch and “Christmas Lunch” makes it sound grander that it actually was.
In the 1970s pub grub was very unsophisticated fare and invariably consisted of Chicken in a Basket or a Ploughman’s.
The more up market establishments might well offer Scampi in a Basket and a selection of Ploughman’s including a variety of cheeses as alternatives to the norm.
The Pig and Whistle however was not an up market establishment in any way shape or form and offered Chicken in a Basket or cheddar cheese Ploughman’s.
However in addition to that as it was Christmas you got a Mince Pie as well.
So after our “Christmas Lunch” we all arrived back at work with some of our number much the worse for drink.
I myself had perhaps over indulged to a small degree with an unspecified number of Light and Bitters so as a consequence I was wearing beer goggles and even scabby Carole was looking passable.
So was Wonky Wendy, so called because she had a wonky eye.
Wendy had one eye that looked at you while the other one was looking for you.
Ok I admit “Wonky” wasn't a very imaginative nickname but there you have it, it was the 70s and we were simple folk.
Well anyway through beer goggles even she looked quite appetising.
Another of the girls I wouldn’t normally have looked at twice was Pat Warner.
Although she had nice eyes and a pretty smile, other than that she was a plain looking girl about a year younger than me.
Over the previous year Pat had made no secret of the fact that she fancied me.
I on the other hand did not fancy her and not because she was plain or because she was stick thin and featureless or because she was ginger the truth was she just didn’t do it for me.
But that was without the benefit of alcohol fuelled lust.

On returning to the factory we continued the party in the canteen,
My tipple of choice from what was available was Light Ale while for Pat it was Port and Lemon and that day we both necked a few.
And with every bottle of beer I drank Pat was getting prettier and prettier.
It reached a point that when she went off to the loo I followed a few minutes later and intercepted her as she returned and took her in the rubber room.
No not that kind of rubber, it was the room where the rubber bands were sorted and counted.
It was a small room about 20’ square with glass on two sides but with the lights off it was dark enough in the shadows for what I had in mind.
As soon as the door closed behind us though she was all over me like a rash and her tongue was in my mouth like an Excocet, and her hand went straight to my fly.
"Blimey you're keen" I thought to myself
I thought I had better join in quick and yanked her blouse from the waist band of her skirt and partly unbuttoned it before going in search of her tits.
When I found them, such as they were, I made a startling discovery.

I Think I Kissed a Ladyboy One Christmas (Part Two)

When I got my hand on her breast I made a startling discovery and no, it wasn’t anything to do with Scaramanga.
What I found was something altogether different.
Now I was just a callow youth and I wasn’t hugely experienced in the ways of the world.
But I had had sufficient experience of breasts to know that nipples shouldn’t be hairy.
“This needs further investigation” I thought and proceeded to complete the unbuttoning of the blouse.
Then I steered her gently around so the light fell across her exposed breast.
I broke away from her mouth and let her tongue my ear instead while I looked down at her tiny breast surmounted with a perfectly formed swollen nipple surrounded by two inch long curly ginger hairs.
“That can’t be right” I thought
But a moment later Pat wrestled my old chap from my jeans and began tugging on it.
This distracted me from the hairy nipple as with my penis in her had she got my full attention so my hand abandoned her hairy tit and headed south.
I got my hand up her skirt easy enough and was attempting to get it into her knickers when she said
“No” and pushed my hand away
I kissed her again and after a few moments I tried once more,
I even managed to get my fingertips beneath the elastic of her knicker leg that time before she stopped me again.
“I said no” she reaffirmed
“Why not?” I asked
“Because you have a girlfriend” she replied
Well I don’t mind telling you I thought it was a bit indelicate of her to mention that I had a girlfriend as she was in a darkened room with me and she had my old chap in her hand.
I was about to point out the hypocrisy of her position when the door flew open.
“Aye, aye” Shaft said
Shaft was the foreman, his real name was Ted but his nickname was Shaft not because he was black but because he was shafting Beryl from picking.
I did the gentlemanly thing and positioned myself between Ted and Pat so she could redress herself.
It also enabled me to force my stubborn erection back into my jeans which it seemed reluctant to do, he had come out to party and didn’t want to go home early before he had.
“I’ve just come for my coat” Ted said with a chuckle
He took his coat off the peg
“Carry on” he said and closed the door.
I would have liked to carry on but Pat wasn’t going to let me carry on as far as I wanted to so we went back to the party and that was that.

I never had another close encounter with Pat and in the light of the hairy nipples I had no desire to as in the sober light of day I didn’t fancy her.
Also I never ever encountered any other hairy breasted women over the years.

It was many years after the Christmas grope in the Rubber Room that doubts entered my mind that it was anything other than what it appeared.
Which first surfaced after I watched a documentary about Ladyboy’s.
You have to remember we were very naïve back then in the 70s and we had never heard of Ladyboy’s.
We weren’t complete yokels though we had heard of homosexuals though no one I knew had ever met one.
I always assumed that Pat was short for Patricia but after the documentary I wasn’t so sure.
We tended to take things at face value back then but if I had managed to gain entry into Pat’s knickers I would have known for sure if she was fish or fowl.

An Unentertaining Christmas

Since the advent of Cable and Satellite the quality of the entertainment seems to diminish as each Christmas passes.
It used to be bad enough in the old days when there were only three channels to fill.
Now we allegedly have more choice than we have ever had, although I think the reality is that we merely have more channels.
The terrestrial channels can’t compete and to be honest don’t even try any more to offer anything that we might consider to be of acceptable quality.
Year after year all five channels are packed with a mixture of repeats and things which should never be seen again.
Take this Christmas just gone, I can’t think of one single stand out program that appeared on the terrestrial channels.
To be truthful it doesn’t have to be the latest Christmas schedule as every one is the same.
The Great Escape, Tom Browns schooldays, Mr Chips and the obligatory Sound of Music.
However there are sometimes a selection of new dramas though quite honestly they do flatter to deceive.
I remember one holiday season several years ago one of the offerings was something called Uncle Adolph.
God alone knows what they were thinking.
Ken Stott had the lead role, although he was more reminiscent of Groucho Marx than the Fuhrer and at one point good old incestuous Uncle Adolph was sat knocking out a tune on the piano to impress his pretty young niece and I genuinely thought he was going to burst into a chorus of “Springtime for Hitler”.
To be quite honest the play couldn’t have been anymore ludicrous if he had.
I do still get my bumper Christmas edition of the Radio Times every year and open it with real hope that this year will be better than the one before, but alas.

The Silver Tinsel Tree

Being born in the late fifties I have few recollections of that austere decade, almost all of my earliest memories are from the brasher, brighter and less restrained sixties.
As a result my early memories of Christmas are of a bright and sparkly time when paper chains and the watery colours of paper stars, bells and balls were being replaced by foil and tinsel.
Hence the Silver Tinsel Christmas Tree, looking back it was a quite unspectacular specimen of a tree compared to what’s on offer nowadays, but we loved it.
It stood less than 5 feet tall with its fold down tinsel covered wire branches tipped with red beads to symbolise berries.
However by the time Dad had worked his not inconsiderable magic and covered it with every size, shape and shade of bauble, glass birds with feathered tails, lantern lights, strands of brightly coloured tinsel, chocolate treats and tiny crackers lain on the branches it was transformed and was absolutely stunning,
It was the only tree I ever knew until my teenage years came to an end when in the mid-seventies I suggested we have a real tree just for a change.
I would never have suggested it if I had realised that it would signal the death knell of the Silver Tinsel Tree as the following year it was replaced by a green plastic tree more akin to those of today.
After my Dad died a few years later the task of decorating the tree fell to me I realised sadly that I hadn’t inherited his tree dressing skill and was never able to equal him.
I came close one year, in 1983 but I think in the end I merely flattered to deceive, the task has fallen to my wife for the past 24 years, she makes a far better fist of it then I ever could.
Whether she possesses the necessary skill to transform a Silver Tinsel Tree however we will never know.